It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I'm THAT Auntie!

Yep, I'm THAT Auntie.  The kind that spoils your kid and sends them home.  The one that feeds them candy and chocolate milk, lets them stay up late watching Disney movies, orders pizza, and sings Katie Perry songs with them at the top of her lungs while we make chocolate chip pancakes!

No lie... my nieces love me! The three year old calls me Auntie Num-Nums. 

For my oldest niece's 12th birthday I decided that a little kid torture would be fun!  Her mom told me she needed minutes for her cell phone.  I bought a Verizon Card and wrapped it in paper, and then cardboard, and more paper, and then some corrugate, then a couple boxes, and more layers of gift wrap. 

12 layers deep!  The outside box was huge - about  3 foot square.  Every couple of layers there was a note "not done yet", "keep going", "do you feel the love?"   LOL... all the grown ups were cracking up, and she was shooting me looks that said, "YOU ARE TOTALLY NUTS!!"  It was wonderful.

The kids and I also made her a dozen candy flowers inside a candy vase.  Everything was edible and very, very cute.  She loved it!

So after sugaring her up sufficiently I went home and left my Sister In Law to deal with the messy parenting part.  Whooo Yahhh - I love love love being an Auntie.   Of course when my SIL does the same for my kids I think, for just a brief second, that payback is a bitch.  But hey...  it's our job to spoil them.  Moms and Dad's get to do the serious stuff!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Life gets in the way of all my plans

I'm sure you understand what I mean!  Isn't that the case for everyone? At least for those of us who are not independently wealthy, living a life of ease?  Where oh where is that nanny? Has anyone seen my Chef?

I was hoping to update my blog several times over the past few weeks, and each time I sat down I was inundated with things to do - wedding things, kid things, work commitments, emails, Christmas projects... you name it.

Now it's nearly Christmas, and I'm getting ready to head out of town to celebrate with BLT's family.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping, and packing to get gifts send UPS to the future in-laws.  Once that was accomplished I needed to focus on my niece's 12th birthday, as well as my annual holiday cookie party.

I love this time of year, but occasionally I have to remind myself that these things are supposed to be fun - they aren't supposed to be stressful.  I have to sit back, take a breath, and let some things go.  I tend to aim for perfection and beat myself up if we don't fit in every event, every party, every tradition.  As the kids have gotten older I've found it harder and harder to keep up.  This year all that stress was multiplied by the knowledge that upon our return in January we will be facing a visit from our GAL to do a home study and discuss my X with the children. She's trying to determine what their interest is in seeing him, and whether or not they are emotionally ready for that to happen.  It's an incredibly stressful idea - the thought that someone is coming into your home to interview your children, poke around, and make judgements on your abilities. 

I had wanted to go to Zoo Lights.  I wanted to get holiday portraits taken. I wanted to bring cookie baskets to our fire house. I wanted to make Christmas cards. None of those things were accomplished.  Hell, I only got a Christmas tree put up on the 16th because the Cookie Party was happening that weekend and I wanted the house to look somewhat festive! At this point I'm going to be rushing like mad for the next two days to get the four kids hair cut (to avoid looking like small homeless people when we are introduced to BLT's extended family for the first time) to finish up the laundry and pack up our bags, to deliver the idiot dogs to Ethel for doggy-sitting, packing up the car, and cleaning out the fridge so we don't leave food to go bad for the next couple weeks.

I did manage to get my snow tires installed, and get the kids to bathe the rotten dogs - which I know Ethel appreciates! 

So it appears that the Nanny has permanently run off with the Chef - so I better get to that long "to do" list before I end up even farther behind!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Lost and Found

In the past few weeks I have misplaced and/or just flat out lost...

My Kindle
My Favorite Purse
My Left Jogging Shoe
My Phone Charger
My Green Travel Mug Lid

I have found...

My Kindle
My Favorite Purse (The Kindle was Inside)
My Stack of Birthday Cards I Bought To Mail Out (didn't even know those were lost)
My Favorite Perfume For Sale.. I thought it was discontinued
The Perfect Bridesmaid Shoes

That darn phone charger and coffee lid are problematic to be sure though... and I'm really sure my jogging shoe just got shoved to the deep dark reaches under my bed.  I'll have to send a small child under there to root it out!

I am more than a bit worried however that they'll finally find my vibrator I lost six months or so ago.  After a rather fun evening with BLT that sucker has not been seen again, and I think in the heat of  the moment it fell off and then under the bed,  but I've wiggled under there as far as I can and I haven't been able to see it. 

Dang it... neither the jogging shoes, nor my toy were inexpensive...  They better turn up!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Not Feelin' that Christmas Spirit

I'm not upset.  I'm not depressed, or feeling negatively in any way about the holidays - I'm just overwhelmingly busy.  Usually I'm one of those obnoxiously happy holiday partakers who decorates her house to the nines.  The tree is up the weekend of Thanksgiving, and I've got holly hung by the front the door, stockings near the mantle, cheesy patterned Santa and reindeer pillows on the couch, a collection of nut crackers on display, and our advent calender ticking off the days towards Christmas.

This year?  Nothing yet.  We are taking the kids south to see BLT's family during Christmas, so we're leaving on the 22nd and don't plan on coming home until the new year.  I'm just not overly excited about hauling all the decorations out for two weeks of enjoyment. I even borrowed a fake tree so I don't have a fire hazard here in my living room while we are away... but it's still sitting in it's box in the middle of the floor.

I'm busy as hell at work, and I have to get all the holiday gifts wrapped ASAP and mailed down to the family so that the kids can open them Christmas morning.  I need to do laundry and pack, finish up my baking for my annual cookie exchange, figure out what to do for BLT's birthday - it's in December as well - along with your average host of holiday obligations. 

It's all fun, and I'm not Bah Humbugging any of it... but damn I'm tired.  I just don't feel like decorating this year....

Friday, December 2, 2011

His Reasoning

BLT was getting ready to head out of town.  There's a huge racing industry show in Florida we attend each year, and we've been invited to participate in a televised commercial segment of the show.  This is an amazing opportunity for our growing little company. 

BLT was given the OK by the boss lady to purchase a new pair of shoes, some slacks, and get a hair cut on the company card.  He went out on Tuesday and got himself all cleaned up.  Wheww boy, does that man shine when he's all spit and polished.  I asked him how come he got all sexy right before he was leaving me for a week.

His Oh So Male answer was, "So you'll be horny and rub your boobs all over me when I get back!"  Well... okay...  you smooth talker....

Thursday, December 1, 2011


I decided I did not have time to post a daily, "Thankful For" list.  Let's be honest, I can hardly find the time to come and post every couple of weeks.   I do however want to officially post the things that I've been blessed with this year.  I think it's important to recognize your gifts, big and small, and to acknowledge them.

Since there are thirty days in November, I'll put my top thirty blessings here, in particular order...
1. My Children
2. BLT's Love
3. My Parents Still Being Alive
4. Living in A Small Town
5. My Vintage Style Schwinn
6. Generous Landlords
7. Good Teachers
8. An Excellent Lawyer
9. Good Health
10. A Dependable Vehicle
11. Rainy Days
12. My Kindle
13. Ethel
14. Long, Slow Kisses
15. Lazy Sunday's
16. Snow Tires
17. Banana Bread
18. Handmade Gifts
19. A Kitchen with Three Ovens (yep... I'm so lucky!)
20. Being Able to Pay My Bills (even if it's just barely)
21. Faith That Everything Happens For a Reason
22. Good Friends
23. A Diligent G.A.L
24. Smart Children Who Excel in School
25. My Perfect Bed
26. Netflix
27. Wedding Plans Coming Together
28. An Excellent Job
29. Medical Insurance
30. Daisies and Tulips

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Oh those wacky kids...

Having four kids in the house makes for a fun, but wildly busy and rowdy household.  About ten days ago my poor Monkey Pants had to be knocked out and have a bunch of dental work done.  One of the things they had to do was pull out both of the bottom front baby teeth.  The adult teeth had grown in behind them, a la shark style, and those little baby teeth were not coming out on their own...  so now Money Pants has a lisp.  LOL, it's the cutest thing ever.  "Momma, I love you thith muth"  Who wouldn't melt when they heard that?

A couple days ago Ethel's littlest one says to me, "Auntie, I love you."  and I tell her I love her more.  She replies, "I love you one hundred and fourteen pounds" and I say "Well that's exactly how much I weigh!" I think I actually heard Ethel snort from the kitchen while she tried to hold in the gaffaw...   shoosh you evil woman!

Last weekend my two nieces, ages four and five, spent the night.  This made six little ones in my house ranging in age from four to fourteen.  One of the wee ones found an old bell in the toy box.  At seven AM on Sunday it sounded like the Salvation Army had invaded.  OIY was that obnoxious!  Good thing they're adorably cute or I would have beaten someone with that darn bell!

My two youngest came to work with me last Friday since there was no school.  This is one of the benefits of working for your parent's company...  they let me bring the kids to crash on the couch if they're sick, or if there isn't any school for the day.  During lunch they were in the kitchen eating soup I made while leaning over the garbage can.  My mother asks them why they are leaning over the trash instead of sitting down at the table.  TNT replies, "Cause we're Hobos and we found this soup in the garbage.  Next we're gonna find CANDY!"  oooohhh kaaaay....  that kid is a weird one.  And what nine year old wants to make believe play at being a "hobo" anyway? Maybe we watched a little too much of the Occupy Wall Street news on the TV!

My youngest has a birthday on Thanksgiving day this year.  She's decided we need ice cream cake.  I better get on that! That poor kid needs a real party with some friends, and party games.  Having her birthday on Thanksgiving makes it really hard because nobody can ever come.  Maybe I should take her ice skating with a few friends the following week - that would be fun! Either way I have to come up with some way to celebrate her birthday with all the family there for Thanksgiving as well.  Maybe I'll decorate up a little "birthday girl" table with streamers and some birthday balloons in the corner. Then I'll put her wrapped presents there and when everyone arrives we'll sing a little happy birthday and let her blow out the candle on her own personal ice cream cake.  I'll make up some goodie bags for the kids and they can go off and play while we finish preparing dinner.   I'm liking this plan....  oh ETHEL...  HELP!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Are you proud of yourself?

When vising with the GAL last week I was presented with this question.  Stated very straight forwardly...

"Are you proud of yourself?"

For a moment there I just looked at Dr. Britt with what I can only assume was a bewildered look on my face.  You see we were about 2/3 of the way through our two hour meeting and I had confessed through her probing questions about the terrible mistake I made getting and staying married to an emotionally abusive man.  I had also been very honest about the affair I had two weeks before the X and I decided to get divorced.  I had told her that after my X brought that gun to my house my children and I were essentially homeless, living off the generosity of my parents and Ethel's family. 

My answer was, "No - I'm not proud of myself.  Mostly I feel foolish, and weak. I know I didn't handle things the best way possible at the end of my marriage and my children and I all suffered horribly."

Dr. Britt cut me off there and said, "No, I mean... you SHOULD be proud of yourself.  You survived  something really terrible and traumatic, and you've come out at the end of all this doing really well for yourself.  Your kids are, from everything I can gather, healthy and happy and well adjusted.  You didn't let this define you or stop you. You went on with life and built something really good for yourself and your kids.  So I ask you again.... Are you proud of yourself?"

And you know what...  I AM!  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF, MY FAMILY, MY KIDS, AND MY LIFE! know it feels pretty damn amazing to say that out loud.  I don't think I've ever done that before.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Long Time No Post, GAL Meeting, and Catch Up

I think I was hiding for a little while there.  I've been a bit more stressed out than normal and I kind of crawled into a little hole and hid for a week or two.  Buuuuuut.... I'm back and feeling all chipper  not entirely insane so I figured I would blog a little and work out some of the random crap floating around in my semi full noggin.

I do have to confess that I injured poor Ethel.  Last Monday I slammed the car door on her hand and busted open her finger.  It bleed EVERYWHERE.  I have no idea why she puts up with me, I swear.  Poor girl! Go ahead, I deserve a small amount of verbal flogging for being a klutz!

Also last week I  met with our GAL - I shall call her Dr. Britt.  Not because she's British mind you, but because it sort of relates to her name and she is a Dr of the PhD variety...and I just kinda dig it.  So Dr. Britt and I get together via phone the final week in October.  I had sent in 1/2 of the required payment to her and hadn't heard anything, so I called and introduced myself.  We had a short, but pleasant conversation and she forwarded some paperwork onto me by email.  I filled in out within 24 hours and emailed it back to her.  I followed up a few days later with an email letting her know when to expect the final half of the payment.  Shortly there after my X's evil lawyer calls and accuses me of standing in the way of the reunification process and actually said, "My client has behaved PERFECTLY and your client is obstructing his attempts at establishing visitation by refusing to work with the GAL.  She better get into compliance immediately or... insert random scary legal threats here"  So my lawyer contacted Dr. Britt and asked if I had been in contact and where we were in the process.  Dr. Britt replied via email that at that time I was the only one she had heard from, I was the only one who had completed my parenting worksheet, and I was the only one who had paid.  SO SUCK THAT YOU "PERFECTLY BEHAVED" JACK WAGON!  grrrr... sorry for the anger there, but jeez I hate being accused of standing in the way or being somehow responsible for his failures.  I don't need to stand in his way - he does a good enough job of screwing up on all his crazy own!

Well last week it was time for our face-to-face meeting.  It was nice to hear before hand that Dr. Britt realized this wasn't about me at all, and that interviewing me and meeting with the kids was just a formality - and that her primary job is to establish what my X's mental condition is currently and what kind of therapy, DV treatment, and possible parenting classes he will have to submit to prior to establishing some kind of reunification plan and monitored visitation set up.   So we met for two hours and discussed my history with my ex, our current living situation and  how the kids are doing.  We talked a bit about my plans for the future, and what I would need to see from the X in order to feel safe.  It was a really good meeting.  It felt amazing to hear her say that she thinks I'm a good mom, and that I'm doing a good job. 

Lots of stuff going on this week as well.  I'm heading to court on Thursday to try and get the kid's Restraining Order renewed against the X.  He is, of course, fighting it - so there have been legal shenanigans a plenty from his camp.  That's a whole post all on it's own.  The amount of absolute bull crap being flung over the fence from Capt. Crazy and his team of Legal Hooligans is freaking amazing.  Blatant, and bold lies even when we've presented the court with proof otherwise - and he clings to those crazy stories for all he's worth.  It's just laughable to some extent - but scary too.  I think he actually believes his own lies.  He's convinced himself really and truly that he's some kind of victim of the system and an evil ex wife who masterfully has manipulated police, judges, lawyers, therapists, and the family court system to screw him over.   None of this guarantees that I'll get my motion passed and get a 3rd restraining order though - so I'm trying not to focus on the "what if" scenarios too much or I'll devolve into a blubbering pile of anxiety and stress. 

This week is also my birthday.  I'm somewhere past 35 now and not yet 40.  It's pretty hideous actually, and I plan on ignoring the day as much as possible.  Although my wonderful parents did bless me with the gift of a shiny new 12 quart, restaurant quality stock pot.  I'm stoked to make some home made chili or maybe chicken and dumplings for everyone soon!

Also this week are four parent/teacher conferences, and lots of kid "stuff" going on. I think I need a vacation people!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Today I am thankful for my family who always makes me laugh.

As they are my family, I realize that tomorrow I may not feel this way! So for today I'll live in this moment . :)

Friday, October 28, 2011

Thank God I Have a Job!

I'm not only coming from an economical standpoint either.  Of course in this economy most people who have a job are thankful for it...  This is about how much I enjoy coming to work.  I realize that I was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with my four kids for 12 years, but I thank God on a regular basis that I have a job now.  I love the schedule.  I love the responsibility.  I love the security of earning my own pay check.  I love getting to spend time with grown up people.  Working with my family is fun!

The last couple years I was home I used to joke with Ethel that I was going to light my hair on fire and run up and down my road just for something new to do.  Your house can only get so clean...  you can only attend so many PTA functions.   You can only watch so much home decorating television. At least that was the case for me.  I loved the time I could spend with my kids - hell it was even worth being married to that ass of an X I had to dedicate those years to my kids.  And I'll be honest, I really do feel like I was good at it.

I managed a large house hold pretty damn well.  I participated in my kid's schools, and we had a lot of fun! 

However I'll can't see myself ever willingly going back to being a stay at home mom.  Even if BLT and I got married and he earned the kind of money that made it possible.  I don't want to be financially dependant on anyone ever again.  I don't want to give up the social interaction, the mental stimulation, and the pleasant routine that going to work each day provides.

It's a balancing act of course.  Learning to work full time and keep my house up to the standards I'm comfortable with was a learning experience.  But in a good way I think.   Moving to the tiny town we live in certainly has helped.  There aren't a lot of the distractions available to us that some people probably deal with.   We cook our meals at home because it's less expensive, but also because we have extremely limited options near us.  We use Netflix and watch movies together at home, we walk to the library, or the store, or to friends houses because we have that option and we enjoy spending time together.  All that time at home means we make doing chores a routine. 

It's about priorities too.  I want a career AND a nice house to live in, and I feel like I've gotten that for myself. I feel really settled and blessed in that regard.  Life is good.   You can't ask for much more than that!

Okay... I regularly ask for a tree to fall on my X... but other than THAT I have what I need!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

God I can be a judgemental ass sometimes

I have a confession to make. I can really be a judgemental jackass sometimes. I don't mean to, and when I catch myself doing it I try to step back and look at my judgements/assumptions/feelings more critically and kindly.  Sometimes I fail though...  it's a flaw I'm working on.

Case in point.  TNT has made a friend I'll call Baby.  Baby and her younger sister seem quite nice, very pleasant kids and they've been over before for play dates.   TNT and Monkey Pants have been to their house for play dates.  I've met Baby's mom on several occasions- and here the judgemental part of me rears it's ugly head.

See Baby's mom has facial piercings, crazy, perpetually disheveled hair, and neck tattoos.  I have no moral objection to any of these things - but I admit the pierced tongue, eyebrow, and lip really creep me out, I just REALLY dislike facial piercings.  *shudder*  The whole package just screams to me, "I MAKE BAD CHOICES!"  Baby's mom is very pleasant though.... she seems friendly and is kind to my kids.  But she gives off  haphazard party girl vibe that makes me leery.... 

Last time I dropped her girls off at her house there was a big ol' Vodka bottle propping up the garage door. first thought...  "lush".  Not nice, I know I know.  I backtracked and had a little talking to with myself, "hey listen, I have no idea how long they had that bottle, if it was a gift, or from a big celebration.  Don't be so quick to judge. I have no proof she drinks too much!"

On another occasion TNT was invited to stay for dinner, and when  I picked her up she mentioned casually that they had noodles.  "oh Spaghetti, or Lasagna or something like that?" I ask.  "No, just noodles and salt, sometimes at the end of the month they don't have much food in their house."   Certainly not a crime, we struggle here too, to be honest, and frequently we resort to inexpensive dinners once a week of scrambled eggs and toast, or soup and biscuits.   But the last time I was over there they had a brand new flat screen TV on the wall...  do you hear the judgemental voice I'm trying to control?  I really am trying.  It's not my business how they spend their money, but Vodka and TV's seem odd choices if you're eating plain noodles - know what I mean?

So I've promised myself that I'm going to continue to be polite, and the kids like each other so there is no reason why they can't play together.  However if money is that tight I can't let my kids eat over at her house.... they need to use their resources for their own three kids. That's only fair and right. I won't make a big deal about it, I'll just make sure if she's invited that we have something else we have to do.  That way nobody has any hurt feelings.  

In an effort to help out a little I am taking a winter coat over that my 12 year old out grew. It's too big for TNT, and Baby is much taller and broader - so while it's going to be a size or two too big I think she'll be able to use it. It's a very good quality coat. 

I am going to refuse to let my inner cynic convince me that there is something wrong here unless or until I have all the facts.  I mean, I know I'm making judgements based on appearances, and on only having a small amount of interaction with this family.  That's growth right?  Being aware of my own short coming and acting differently?

Growth...  I'm working on it....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Protests, Pre-teens, and Permission Slips

Just a few random thoughts for today...

1. I don't really have a desire to discuss politics here, but I will share that after Therapy on Tuesday night Chef and I passed three lonely little Protesters outside a tiny branch of US Bank in a residential neighborhood.  One was clearly drunk, one was looking bored, and one was yelling angry Anti-Wall Street rhetoric.  My 14 year old asks why they were there.  We had a brief discussion about the issues at hand and protesting in general.  Chef, in the very matter of fact way she sees the world says, "So somehow drinking in front of a closed bank at nine o'clock at night is going to get you a job?  What is wrong with people... go home...  Oh, and why was his sign so ugly? I mean, he obviously has time on his hands. Couldn't he make a nicer sign?" 

I guess when you're 14 the aesthetics of your message are as important as the message itself, *giggle*  and she does have a bit of a point.  Manning a protest of three (well really 2 and a half since the one dude was so obviously more interested in whatever was in the brown paper bottle he was swiggin' than the injustices of the world) outside a teeny tiny bank in the middle of nowhere isn't going to accomplish much.

2.  I got a call at work today.  It was a cacophony of screaming and squealing.  See... Thing 1 had hidden a book from Thing 2.  Thing 2 wanted said book, as well as to raid Thing 1's herb supply.  Why?  Well obviously is was because Thing 2 intended to perform some kind of magical spell...  ??.... confused? Yes I was too.  Thing 1 apparently tackled Thing 2 during the whole bizarre exchange and embarrassed Thing 2 in front of a friend. 

My answer... "Are you on fire? No... okay.  Are you being abducted?  No... well that's good.   Now go do your homework. Stay out of the freaking Oregano, clean your room, and when that's done you can log onto Netflix and find some movie with teen aged vampires sucking on each other. Don't call me back unless it's an actual emergency.  LOOOOOVE YOU!!!"

3. Can someone explain to me why my four kids wait until I'm leaving for work to all bombard me with papers to sign?  I ask the night before.  I swear I do, and nobody needs me for anything.  But by the light of day - and at the point that my car is started and I've got one foot out the door - suddenly everyone need a permission slip to go to the petting zoo, their reading log signed, or a note to excuse them from swimming because my teen aged daughter is under the impression that tampons are the work of the devil. 

Some days I just wonder if I'm the only one with a life like this....

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Just one more time?

No... Yes... NO... YES... *sigh*

I have a horrible case of baby fever. I know that I won't have any more kids, but I swear my ovaries quiver every time a friend shows off their newest baby dressed like a Lima bean or a sock monkey for Halloween.

Just passing the layette section in Target makes me all wistful. I've played the "What would BLT and my baby look like?" game in my head. I ask myself, what would it be like to have the father if my newborn actually want to hold their child, or bathe their baby...or just be there in the delivery room and not be a useless sack of distraction?

It doesn't help that a friend just announced she's pregnant. I thought my social group had passed the age of baby showers and birth stories, but here two of my friends are expecting and another two have children under the age if one.

Inside my head I hear a voice say; "See I'm not too old. 37 year olds have babies all the time!"

Then I hear; "Jackass, you're not married, you're broke, you have 5 kids between the two of you to raise, you're broke, you have a psychotic ex husband trying to take your kids, you work 50+ hours a week to support yourself, you are too old, and did I mention....YOU ARE BROKE!"

So I accept all over again that my baby days are done. No more tiny fingers wrapped around my pinky, no more nursing baby at my breast, no more tiny cloth diapers.

Then some excited friend shows off their newest set of Little Timmy Learned To Eat His Toes photos... I swear to god I'm going to have to close down my Facebook account until this passes.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Getting out of my own head.

I saw a quote today that said something about not being able to move onto the next chapter in your life if you are constantly re-reading the previous chapter. It was worded all eloquently of course, and I just butchered it I'm sure, but you get the idea.

This really spoke to me today. I'm dealing with more legal issues relating to my X, the GAL contacted me and I'm finishing up some parenting questionnaires, and I had to give a fairly detailed listing of the ways I believe I was abused during my 14 Year marriage.

There's nothing like seeing all the ways you've been treated like crap (in chronological order no less so you can ask yourself over and over, "why the hell didn't I leave then? Or then? Or THEN?" to really make a girl feel good about herself. The result of dredging up all these bad memories was a massive, midnight panic attack.

I was in that sleepy place in between being asleep and fully awake. I must have been dreaming or remembering the really bad times because suddenly I couldn't breath... I shot up and was gasping for breath and shaking all over.

I had so much adrenaline rushing through me I felt like my skin was crawling. Poor BLT was rudely woken from a sound sleep as well with all my gasping and thrashing around.

I need to find a way out of this mess inside my head. It's not fair to BLT or the kids for me to waste all this energy on an abusive POS like my X. I owe myself better than this ugliness I can't shake, and I know I've worked too hard to let him have this kind of control and influence on me. I know all this... So why am I stuck in this "chapter"?

I honestly think its because I keep getting drug back to that time when things were so bad by all these legal manipulations on the part of my X. It's not bad enough to be victimized once, you have to keep reliving the worst night of your life over and over. Every statement to the police, the lawyers, each court declaration and to the GAL. Each time I have to renew our restraining orders and justify why I am still afraid of him, or meet with a therapist, and even the questions from curious friends and family feels like you're picking at a barely healed scab.

I guess I will have to be more patient. I think I'm going to have to keep fighting through all this anxiety until we are done with some of the legal fallout. I need to focus on the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel... All of this has to wind down at some point right?

Monday, October 10, 2011

Too Heavy to Carry, Too Heavy to Put Down...

I'm really struggling right now. I'm exhausted emotionally, financially depleted, and sick with worry and anxiety.

My lawyer sent a letter on Friday stating that she will drop my case if I don't get $7800.00 to her by the end of the month. Where am I supposed to get that kind of cash?

My X has made it clear that he intends to litigate to the fullest extent possible - he doesn't care if it screws over the kids, just as long as I suffer in the process. My current council does not want to keep accepting small payments, she wants payment in full for past services and an additional 2K as a new retainer.

If I loose legal representation I'll get screwed royally in court. His dirty lawyer has tried so many sneaky, shady maneuvers that my lawyer caught and deflected. Things I would have no idea how to handle. I can't face them alone in court and my X is determined to get out of Child Support and gain custody of my kids.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten much since Friday, and I have constant nausea. Ethel summed it up perfectly; "your burden is too heavy to carry, and too heavy to put down".

This is my kid's safety at stake... My financial future is already destroyed. The only thing I'll fight with him over are my children and I'm goin' down swingin'!!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I like me

For the most part I like myself... Not all my physical "parts" so much, but who I am as a whole.

I really like my nails though... They grow so nicely! Don't they look purdy?

I'll just have to keep working on accepting the rest of me.

Whore-a-Ween Strikes Again!

I both love and hate this time of year.  Halloween is my favorite holiday, but the older my kids get the more stressful it is to shop for Halloween costumes.

The girls costumes that will fit my kids are... hmmm... shall we say it bluntly?  WHOREISH!  For the love of God people, we live in the Pacific Northwest.  In October it's freaking cold as a well digger's ass.  Not to mention I simply refuse to send my kids out dressed as: Sexy Kitty, Sexy Witch, Naughty Nurse... or the generic slut costume du jour "Miss Behavin'"  *gag*

It's always a fight.  The girls see something that appeals to them and I get to be the bad guy.  Especially with Lady Bug.  That girl is sweet, and I adore her, but her tact and taste level are still in the development stage if you get what I'm saying?! 

When did Halloween become about wearing plunging necklines and micro mini skirts with fish net hosiery?  And why the hell does every single costume come with fish net pantyhose anyway?  What about "Angel", "Cheerleader", "Ghost", or "Fairy" dictates hooker-esque leg wear?

YIKES...  this momma can't take much more....  I'm getting some sheets and they all get to be Casper the Friendly Ghost whether they like it or not!  Anyone got a spare Burkah or two they want to loan me?

Friday, October 7, 2011

Girl Time

Good lordy did I need some grown up time.  With the help of some baby oil, a crow bar, and a prayer I wedged my ass into some leather pants and my cute red heels.  I was feeling pretty damn good about myself actually. 

I had such a great time with my girl friends.  We hit a piano bar where the drinks and food were good...but the piano player/comedian act was not so hot.  He's one of those older guys who isn't witty, isn't handsome, and isn't overly clever.  He tried too hard.  Plus - I just don't dig Neil Diamond.  BLECH!

We left there and decided to partake of the fun at a local casino.  Plenty of restaurants, dancing without any cover charge, several bars, a sweets shop, and some slot machines.  All in all fun was ours for the taking!

That is of course until I got home all hot and sweaty from dancing and had to try and peel those pants off.... lol... not to mention the little blisters on my toes from my dancin' shoes!  Ouch... but totally worth it :)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Living in the 1 %

I was talking to my mom today and she said, "Ever since X brought that gun to your house you live in the one percent."  I had to think about it for a minute, but she's right.  I go through life now expecting the rare, the unforeseen, the weird accidental mishap. 

A situation recently came up where a friend was trying to work out what do with their kiddo(s) while they went out on a late date.  The original idea was to leave the teen home alone.  Most likely everything would be just fine.  Realistically I understand this.  However I started to worry.  Then my mind went to all the "what ifs" that could happen. And being me, I had to say something.  I just couldn't let it go.

What if there was a fire, not even at their place... but next door?
What if she had to be evacuated for a gas leak, or some other area disaster?
What if the dog got out and the kiddo had to try and chase her down when it was dark and a busy body neighbor saw, and then called the police to complain?
What if there was a prowler or someone decided to mess with the vehicle left there?
What if, after the fact the kid was sort of bragging to friends about getting to be home alone and a concerned parent decides to pass judgement and make trouble?  Or if the child says something in ear shot of a teacher who does the same?

Two years ago I lived in the 99%... I always thought these things happen to other people.  I never had encountered any kind of significant violence at the hands of someone I trusted.  I hadn't ever really been surprised by someones choices and behavior.   Then my estranged husband brought a gun to my house.  He did something I would have never expected.

My mother, Ethel, and my sister in law were all telling me to get a restraining order.  I heard, "most likely nothing will ever happen, but you need to be safe and cautious.  You need to take care of yourself."  I didn't listen. 

The 1% chance that my X would lose it came to pass.  And now, as a result, I find myself living in that one percent.  I find myself going to worse case scenario.  If I have a quarter of a tank of gas and I run into traffic I start to feel all panicked and  convince myself that I'll run out of gas out of cell phone range.

If the dog throws up I start thinking it's going into liver failure.  If I smell smoke I think fire... never burned popcorn....I understand why, I just don't know how to deal with it.  I'm not proud of it.  It's certainly not something I enjoy. 

I see a self help book in my future...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Waiting for a call

I'm just sitting here waiting to hear from the Guardian Ad Lidem for my kids.  Two weeks ago she sent my lawyer an email stating that she would contact me by email.

A week after that I had not heard from her, so I mailed in the first 1/2 of my payment due to her, and I included all my contact information, and thanked her for accepting our case.

It been another full week and as of yet I've not spoken to her.   I know that she has all my contact information, and I imagine that when she wants to speak with me I'll hear from her.   I don't want to seem anxious or pushy so I don't call.  I don't want to appear as though I'm hiding something either - so I worry about not calling.

I am just not a patient person.  This whole thing is making me nuts. I want a resolution, or at the very least a plan to work towards a resolution.  It's been over two years of waiting to see what the X will do.  I'm out of patience.  I'm out of money.  I'm out of energy to deal with all this crap anymore, and most of all - I'm tired of my own story. 

Does that make any sense?

Friday, September 30, 2011

Gettin' Sweaty

I really need to focus more on my health and exercise habits.  I've gone back to Weight Watchers and I'm counting my points. I'm only drinking one soda a day... that darn Diet Coke is my one big vice.  I don't smoke, I rarely drink alcohol, I don't hook up with random men for anonymous sex... lol...   I pretty much have Diet Coke.  I do realize however that it's terrible for me and my budget so I'm trying to cut down.

On Tuesday I jogged just under 2 miles on the treadmill in 22 minutes, at lunch.   On Wednesday I walked 2.29 miles in about 30 minutes before heading home to make dinner.

So far, so good.

I might even get brave next week and replace the battery in my old bathroom scale.  I'm kind of afraid to find out how fat I've gotten.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Happy Birthday Chef!

Chef turns 14 today!  I don't allow my kids to read my blog, so Chef doesn't realize I'm on here sending Happy Birthday Wishes out to the blogisphere... but I am anyway.

Chef changed my world.  Becoming a mother for the first time was the singularly most amazing and scary experience of my life.  I love the person that she's become.  She has taught me patience and softness in ways only a child can.  She was the first person in my life who really needed me and who was totally dependant on me.

Happy Birthday baby...  I'm a better person  since I became your Mom.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Capt. Coo-Ka-Loo strikes again!

Today BLT said, "Well it appears that X is going to behave himself.  Maybe the worst is behind us." Why oh why didn't we knock on wood, toss salt over a shoulder... something to negate the joo joo we just unleashed?

 It wasn't more than an hour later that I got a call from my daycare provider.  It appears that X was upset by the bill he received for his half of the child care.

Somehow in the La La Land that X operates in he's decided that he should only pay 285.00 per month for two kids.  No idea where he pulled that number out of, but he decided that's his fair share and everyone else should just go along with it. His half of the bill for October is 315.00... yes folks, he's harassing someone over 30.00, what the hell is wrong with him? 

So instead of being rational and mature he starts to fixate...  then he starts to call.  Between the hours of 8 and 11:40 he called 7 times.  Who does that? He creeped out the poor girls at the center, and I feel terrible that my provider is feeling harassed. 

He didn't get the answer he wanted from the first two people he spoke with so he proceeded to call five more times and just hang up when the owner wasn't the one who answered.  They did the *69 thing, so they know it was him. Once the owner was available to call him back he makes vague references to having his lawyer deal with the "Icky Sticky Legal Issues" as he called them.  What is there to deal with? You owe half - no matter how much it is. Suck it up, and send the poor woman her payment.

The other issue at hand is the fact that on two occasions the provider has informed him that she does not want to deal with him directly. She told him once, and sent him a letter informing him that she chooses to only deal with him via email.   So he really does need to leave this poor woman alone.

For the love of baby Jesus... he can't even exhibit a little bit of self control when he knows that the GAL and therapists have his behavior under scrutiny.  Why can't he just behave himself?

Oh ya... because he's a freakin' whack job! Part man child, part deranged felon...  that's right....

Saturday, September 24, 2011



One good man for my dear friend Ethel.

The appropriate applicant will be moderately handsome in a rugged way.  No pretty boys need apply.  (Why moderately handsome? Because you can't be so hound dog homely her girly bits dry up at the sight of you, and not so drop dead gorgeous that you think your God's gift to vaginas everywhere)

He will also be honest, funny but not at the expense of others and not in any way that could be showcased on the TV show "Jack Ass".   This applicant will be gainfully employed, not living with his parents unless they are elderly and/or handicapped; because the former is creepy but the latter is sweet... understand the difference? Good!  He will know how to balance a check book, cook an edible meal, and understands the reason for separating the colors from the whites when doing laundry.

Mr. Perfect must have an appreciation for a lush female form. He must worship her petite "plush-ness" and love her just the way she is - and yet enjoy various recreational activities which will encourage her to maintain her path towards optimal health and happiness.

If you are between the ages of 32 - 45 and meet the above qualifications please apply in person with Lucy.  Gifts of chocolate and James Rollin's novels great appreciated, and flattery will get you everywhere.  Please provide proof of employment and a clean STD panel from your doctor.

No cross dressers, liars, nail biters, drug addicts, or anyone who knows all the words to any Counting Crows song need apply.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Lucy Left Alone...2.0

It seems as though it's my lot in life to have partners who travel.  Now BLT being away feels totally different than when my X traveled for work - but still, I feel a tad jealous to be honest.

On the outside I'm supportive.  I listen to the stories about the restaurants enjoyed, or the schmoozing and the night life activities that come along with business conventions, but deep down I want to shout, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FIVE COURSE GOURMET MEAL.... I MADE GRILLED CHEESE AND SOUP - AGAIN!  YOU WENT TO A CONCERT AND A BALL GAME. I SPENT FRIDAY NIGHT PICKING GUM OUT OF A 6 YEAR OLD'S HAIR!"

Does that make me a bad person?  I hope not, I know it sounds petty so I bite my tongue, smile, nod, and listen.

When I was married my X traveled Monday - Friday, came home long enough to do his laundry, complain about things I hadn't managed to get done while I was raising the children essentially alone, nag at me about our non-existent sex life, ignore us for awhile and play World of Warcraft, and then repack his clean skivvies and take off for another round of meetings and expensive hotels.  I can't remember a single time he ever called to check in on us.  He just assumed I had everything under control - and for the most part I did.  It burned me though to hear him describe how exhausting his job was, and how horrible it was to be away from home so much.  What a freaking phony!

I know it's not all glamorous.  I know that it's exhausting sometimes having to be on your A-Game when you're not sleeping well, or you're traveling while not feeling great.  And I know, at least for BLT he does genuinely miss the kids and I when he's away.  But even knowing all that I would love, just once to trade places.  I would love to only be responsible for dressing myself for a week.  I would like to be the one in the hotel room with clean sheets, a never ending supply of hot water for the shower, and a newspaper at the door each morning.  I would like to be the one ordering meals in restaurants instead of cooking.  I would like to be the one who has an excuse to dress in something nicer than my ratty jeans and bleached out David Bowie concert tee.  I want someone else to stay home alone with the kids - to go to work all day long, come home at night and make dinner, help with homework, referee arguments, play taxi driver, get everything ready for the next day and then be there to listen to my funny stories about the people I met or the places I ate at.

BLT will be home from another trip in about four hours... and of course I'm looking forward to his return.  I miss him very much when he's away - something totally new for me.  When my X traveled it was more of a relief.  Our marriage was in the toilet and when he was around it was even more stressful.  So I'll do my hair, put on a clean shirt, dig the graphite and grime out from under my nails and get my game face on...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I ordered invitations!

I'm just doing a little happy dance here.  I was able to go to and order my wedding invitations, save-the-date cards, and RSVP cards.  I designed them myself, and I'll get them printed and shipped to me including the envelopes all for less than a hundred bucks! With my squeaky tight wedding budget it's a huge weight off my shoulders to have these come under budget. (It's the only thing so far that hasn't cost me more than I planned for, lol!)

They aren't fancy, or multi-layered, or printed on ritzy paper... but none of the people I love enough to invite to my wedding will care.  It's a small ceremony, and the Historic Inn we're getting married at only holds 50 people.  We are only inviting our nearest and dearest loved ones to celebrate our special day with us.

I'm pretty excited to get my hands on them and see them in person!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Smithsonian Magazine Free Museum Day

Ohh... hurry, hurry... click on this link right now and get your FREE tickets for 2 for your local Smithsonian Magazine museum.  Put in your zip code or state and it will give you a list of participating Museums in your area.  Both my local Art Museum and the Museum of Glass I've been dying to visit are accepting these tickets!

Saturday, September 24th you can get into one of your local museums for free, art, science and children museums included!

BLT is out of town and doesn't know that we have a date on Saturday! 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

An old man smell...

As we are leaving the in laws house on Sunday Lady Bug and I both step in dog pooh... lovely...

Of course I'm several blocks down the road before we are all gagging and checking our shoes.  We find the culprits and get the shoes scrapped off in the grass, but the smell lingered and was HORRID.

My oldest says, "Mom, your car smells like crap"  over and over - making really dramatic gagging noises and faces.  Unable to take any more I pull over at a little pharmacy run in.  I grab the first air freshener I lay my hands on.

It was a black and yellow hibiscus flower and it was called, "Midnight Oasis" or something like that.  In case you were wondering - Midnight Oasis smells like funky old man's cologne.

It only took two or three minutes before the oldest pipes up from the backseat again; "Great... now your car smells like an old guy crapped his pants."

This time the gagging and faces were being made by myself.  *Sigh...*

Thanks kid....

Monday, September 12, 2011

Cause I'm cool like that

Groupon had a deal for beer tasting.  BLT and I really don't indulge in too many date nights or extras in regards to entertainment - not with five kids to support!  So I knew that this would be right up his alley.

I decided to go for it since it's only 15.00.

For our next date night we'll be going to a local brewery where we will each get to sample five different beers, share an order of pomme fritte or nachos, take home two "collector" pilsner glasses and a 22 oz custom brewed bottle of their ale.

Now I'll be honest, I don't like too many types of beer.  I really enjoy a nice light beer with a citrus kick to it - like Blue Moon.  Otherwise I'm not a huge fan.  BLT on the other hand digs himself a good beer... dark, amber, pale, import...  he appreciates them all. So I knew he would really love this.  I figure he can drink the samples I don't like and and I'll drive home!  Win-Win!

Cause that's the cool kinda Fiance' that I am!  Date night baby... bring it on!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Now that's just F-U-N-N-Y

My mother placed an online order with Walmart for Equate Stop Smoking Lozenges.

What showed up was Extenze Male Enhancement pills.

My dad opened the package for her and gave her the "stink eye" as he asked what the hell she ordered THAT for?! 

My mom and I had to pick ourselves up off the floor we were laughing so hard. 

My poor dad... no sympathy at all from us...  Hehe.

My mom sends an email to Walmart Customer Service that says:

In regards to the order I recently placed:  I ordered Equate Stop Smoking Lozenges.  What I received today was Extenze Male Enhancement Pills.  While I'm sure this will help certain cravings - these pills will not, in fact, curb what ails me.  As a 55 year old woman I don't believe I have a need for this item.  Can you please help me return this erroneous shipment?

HAHAHAHAHA...  again, I laughed hard enough to nearly pee.   Oh lordy sometimes life is just FUNNY!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Do you see what I see?

I think it's funny that BLT doesn't realize how yummy he is.  I tell him all the time and he always says, "thank God you think so baby" with a little chuckle.

I mean really?  He doesn't know?  Or maybe he's just being modest?  Everything about him turns me on. From the way he looks to the timber of his voice.  Our conversation, his sense of humor, oh, and that tasty tat on his bicept *swoon*. 

I just dig him...

Friday, September 9, 2011

FALLing in Love!

Oh it's my favorite time of the year!  I love everything about Autumn. 

My birthday is this season, as are three of my four kids!

I love cold misty mornings, and clear afternoons.  I love the colors - my favorite color is red, followed closely by yellow and chocolate brown so Ohh Laa Laa I adore Autumn themed decor.  I have a vast collection of warm fuzzy sweaters I can't wait to dig out.

I love... love... and I repeat love snuggling on the couch on a rainy weekend day with my kids reading books and drinking hot apple cider.  I have a vast number of fuzzy, warm, comfy, and hand made blankets - so there are plenty to go around!

I love the schedule that being back in school provides.  I like hearing how excited they are at the end of the school day to sit around the dinner table and play the "1 thing that I learned today" game. 

My all time favorite holiday is Halloween!  Yes, I am the adult who wears a costume, and I decorate my whole house up! I love everything about handing out treats and taking pictures of the kids in costume. I love the spooky movies on t.v. - but more the cute, cheesy, or just slightly spooky ones. I hate slasher films... yuck!

I love planting mums by my front door, and taking walks in the rain around my little town.

I wait all year long for the Fair to come to town.  We have one of the countries top ten largest (I think we're number 3) state fairs.  It's all about the food, the rides, the shows, the people watching.  The crafts and the animal exhibits.  I like the games you can never win, and the face painting.  I love the vendors and the live music!  I like to go twice - once with the kids to focus on the rides and all the fun stuff they like to do, and then once - as a date night to soak in the unique food, the vendors, and see the fairgrounds bathed in the neon glow of twinkling lights. 

Then there is the baking and Thanksgiving...  two more fantastic reasons to love Autumn.  Really I can't think of a single bad thing.  Sure there is rain - but I live in the Pacific Northwest.... there's always rain!  Sure it gets dark outside sooner, that's just one more reason to stay inside with the kids and play card games!  Sure it's starting to get cold outside,  but that just means more cute sweaters and boots!

So what's your favorite season?  Or your favorite part of Autumn?  Anyone else out there just dying to rake leaves, or am I the only crazy one?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Definition of Crazy

I read a quote somewhere about how the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If that's true then my X is CRRRRAAAAZZZZY.  Oh yes, most certainly bonkers, nuts, whacked, psycho, fruity.... pick your favorite term.

He can't seem to figure out that not doing what the judge requires of you doesn't impress anyone.  He can't seem to get it through his thick skull that the only person he's screwing over is himself.  He spends all his time trying to find new ways to avoid having a mental evaluation by the GAL, and to cost me more money at the same time, and he's spent zero time doing the things required of him to see the kids.

So what's the real priority here?  I think it's plain to see that it's not reconnecting with your children.  It's all about punishing me in whatever way you can, and in general avoiding all responsibility while continuing to play the victim.

Good lord.... it's been over twice as long as the judge allowed for the GAL to be appointed and he's still causing delays and refusing to abide by her ruling in regards to his mental evaluations.  And he still seems to think that all these delays will some how ensure he looks better in the eyes of the court?  Huh?

Today my lawyer sent another firmly worded letter, sort of a "pooh or get off the pot" offer to sign the papers as we all originally agreed to back in June, or we will see you back in court on September 22nd.

I have zero faith that he'll see the light and do what he's supposed to.... but I can pray for a miracle right?!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Back on the wagon

I jumped off the healthy eating band wagon with abandon this summer.  I over indulged, I declined to exercise... and the ol' pantaloons are T-I-G-H-T  (and not in that oh sexy baby way either....)

So it's back to counting my points and getting regular exercise.  The weather is beautiful and I have no excuse not to - especially with the wedding coming up this spring.

Yesterday I did really well.  I stayed below my calorie count and I got in an 80 minute, moderate paced walk while chatting with Ethel on the phone.

So far today... well I cheated and ate two oatmeal cookies.  BUT... I only had coffee for breakfast and I ate a moderate lunch so all is not lost.  Tonight I'll get out there for another nice long walk after dinner.  Oh speaking of dinner - we're having big green salads with spinach and egg, and yummy Greek yogurt dressing that's fairly low fat.  So I'll chalk this day up to "pretty good" and move on!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Fraggle Time

BLT went back home to visit his parents and spend time with Fraggle.  While he was there he had a long talk with the grandparents about Fraggle coming to stay with us for an extended visit.  He also made it clear that this was the first step towards her coming to live with us for good.

They were cooperative.  They were receptive.  They were actually really supportive!  YAY!!  We now have a plan.  Forward momentum feels SO good! They love Fraggle to death, but they are in their 60's raising a 3 year old.  It's exhausting!

BLT is starting school this month.  He's going to be taking some networking and computer classes at night so that he can more easily play "I.T." nerd here at work and maintain our network and website for us.  We won't be able to get down there for a visit for several months between school and trade shows.

In December BLT, all four of my girls and I will be going down to spend the week of Christmas with BLT's family.  When we come back we will bring Fraggle with us for the entire month of January!  We are all really excited!

In April Fraggle with have another extended visit with us after the wedding, and we will then decide the best way to transition her here with us full time at that point. 

I'm so happy that we're going to all be a family together.  Fraggle goes from being an only child to having four siblings.  She goes from living in a fairly quiet, adult only home with her grandparents to a busy household of kids and dogs too!  It's going to be a transition for everyone.... we know that.  Five kids is a lot of work.  But it's also a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of opportunity for growth for all of us.

Whew...  I heard a quote once; "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all."  That seems to apply here pretty damn well!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Funny Stuff

* This past week I took the kids for some Hillbilly Redneck (aka free) fun down by the river.  I tossed their life jackets on them and let them splash and play in the nice cold river near our house.  Once we were walking home my little Monkey Pants looked at me and said; "I would kiss you mommy but I have River Lips!"

* There are two bulldogs at work.  The younger of the two is shall we say "greeting" BLT with a nose right to the crotch.  Charming.   When he objects my oldest looks at BLT and says; "Hey she's just saying hello... now it's your turn.  Be polite and sniff her butt!"  I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud at BLT's horrified look.  Yep, that's one classy kid I've got there! 

* One of the fine men in my tiny town called me beautiful and offered to take me home last week.  When he smiled both of his teeth looked nice.  I was sure to send BLT a text message and let him know there was some competition for my affections.   He asked me if this fine fellow was an "Urban Camper"  lol...  nope.  Not homeless, just toothless.  Yeppers, that's my demographic.  The toothless single guys just love me.

* TNT's day care teacher is having a baby this Autumn.  She told TNT that she wouldn't be back to work after the baby was born and TNT looked her right in the eye and said; "Great... and I was just starting to like you too!"  ZOINKS.... guess we better work on that verbal filter. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What's His Motivation?

I've been thinking a lot about what my X's motivation is for the things that he does, and more so lately for the things that he doesn't do.

The family court judge told my X that he was supposed to write letters to the kids for 60 days. The goal of these letters (PLURAL) was to reintroduce himself to the children in a non threatening way, and to establish some level of communication.   He sent one letter.

The judge said that a GAL (Guardian Ad Lidem) was to be agreed upon and hired within 30 days, or the first available GAL who met specific criteria was to be hired.  It's been over 2 months and my X is still stalling, and arguing over who that GAL will be.  He is refusing to work with the GAL appointed by the court. He presented the option of a male GAL which just won't work. We present option 2 and he claims she's too expensive....  the man who hasn't had to pay a dime in child support in two years, who's legal bills are all paid for by his mommy, who lived with said Drama Momma once he got out of jail, and who's debts were cleared for him while he sat in jail so he could start fresh upon his release... ya, that guy is now complaining about having to pay half of the GAL fee. 

I'm responsible for paying the other half.  And raising the kids.  And paying for my therapy for what he did to us.  I'm the one drowning in debt and fielding calls from collection agents looking for money for the debts dumped in my lap by both the divorce and his incarceration.  Do you see me playing games with the GAL?  No.  Just the poor "victim" of an Ex-Husband I'm stuck with.

He says he wants to see his children.  He writes long weepy declarations to the court about how his children have been poisoned against him, and how he's harassed by my family and by myself.  He wears this mantle of victimization proudly and whines incessantly that he's financially strapped. 


I don't understand what he's trying to achieve.  If it was actually to see his kids wouldn't he be writing the letters, getting the court required therapy, and working like hell to get the GAL appointed?

If he was trying to save money wouldn't he avoid going back and forth to family court and dragging this out?

If he was trying to punish me wouldn't he realize that being in my life and in the kids life is the true punishment?  That by dragging this out we're all actually HAPPIER because we don't have to deal with him directly?

I hate not understanding what his goal is.  I don't know how to anticipate his next move.  I can't prepare myself  or my kids for whats to come, because I don't have any clue what he's trying to accomplish... and that makes me anxious.

Trying to understand the inner workings of a crazy man's mind is surely going to make me crazy too!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Being Lonely Is Not the Same As Being Alone

I get these peppy little messages from the "Universe" sent to my email every morning.  Just little blurbs to remind me to be thankful, to have faith in the greater good of people, or to believe in myself.  Positive affirmations I guess you could call them.

Well today's email contained a simple message that struck me quite deeply.  Just because one feels lonely does not mean that they are in fact alone. 

I had an Ah Ha moment.  One of the things my darling Ethel has been struggling with is loneliness, and the fear that she won't find someone to love her just the way that she is.  She is feeling lonely.... but all that means.... are you listening dear heart?  Yes YOU... the little blond one there with the funky vintage bracelet and the semi retarded Labrador...

I means that you're not paying attention to the people around you.  Your loneliness comes from a place of fear. It means that you're not taking advantage of all the people who love you, and support you.  You're not enjoying the company and companionship of the people in your life who enjoy YOU and want to participate in your life.  Just the way you are.  Every quirk, every self imagined "flaw", every strength (and there are many) and every beautiful thing that make you Ethel.

Because once you do... once you truly embrace all the love, friendship, compassion, and enjoyment of the people who choose to be in your life I can't imagine you'll have time for loneliness.  And once you've opened up your heart and fully accepted how amazing you are then love - TRUE, REAL, LASTING LOVE can also enter your world. 

Because really - until we love ourselves we aren't open to the love of someone else.  Until we know that we are worthy we don't command the kind of respect and affection we deserve.

It's easy to say.... and harder to do.  I know that.   But try and be kind and patient with yourself, and if you are feeling lonely remember to look around. There are quite a few of us who love you and want to spend time with you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Watching your parents get older

It's hard to watch your parents age.  I recently found a photograph of my parents from about 11 years ago.  My mom looks trim and her hair is solid black.  My dad is smiling, and he has my daughter on his shoulders.

My dad is living with Lupus.  Every day is a battle.  His kidney's don't work efficiently so his hands and feet get enormously swollen.  His face and tongue have areas of numbness.  He has to drink with a straw, and he won't eat in front of other people.  He recently went to his 40th year reunion and he was too embarrassed to have dinner at the restaurant with everyone else.  He waited and ate alone in his hotel room after the event.  It makes me sad to know he's self conscious.  It's hard to know he's in physical pain a lot.

My dad is a good man.  He's a hard working man.  Even with all of his health problems he works at our business six days a week to help ensure a good future for the kids and I.  He is acutely aware that one day I'll take over the business and that my ability to take care of my children is all wrapped up in the success of our business.

My mother is also struggling with severe health problems of her own.  This past weekend while my dad was at his reunion, BLT pitched in to watch all the kids so that I could stay out at my parents house with my mother.  She's had total knee reconstructions, a titanium rod and pins inserted in her spine, a blood clot in her lungs at one point, she's had more surgeries than anyone I know.  And now it appears as though she's got a herniated disc in her back and she can barely walk around with the aid of two canes.  She needs someone to help with the laundry, the cleaning, and to cook for her.  Not to mention they have two dogs that need care if my dad isn't around.

It's weird to me to think that in just over a decade my parents went from active, vivacious people who enjoyed RVing and camping to... well... old people.  

It scares me to think they they won't always be here.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I need them.  My kids need them. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Animal Hoarders

I've been watching Animal Hoarders on TV today.

Someone explain WTF is wrong with these people! 150 chickens living inside your house?  What?  I mean, the cats and dogs peeing all over the place are gross enough... but chickens? Really?

And here's another one that puzzles the hell out of me.  The family is all, "Dad can you please give up the chickens? Will you agree to find them homes?"  etc.  It is CRAZY behavior to have 150 chickens inside your house... Dad obviously can't be counted on to make a rational decision for himself.

My method involves waiting until Dad leaves the house and then getting rid of all the freaking chickens! All I know is if he were my family he would have a clean house... and a freezer full of nuggets!

Monday, August 22, 2011


I'm not one to spend a lot of time thinking about the things I don't have.  I'm more of a "here and now" kinda girl.  That being said, I have a little wish list started of things I want for myself.  They aren't all things, some of them are experiences, or less tangible - more intrinsic type things.

I want to see NYC
I want to go on an Alaskan Cruise
I want to learn to cook authentic Italian food
I want to loose 15 lbs (hmmm... might be harder with that Italian food... lol)
I want to repair my credit and buy a house of my own
I want to see the Smithsonian
I want to take a photography class
I want to learn relaxation techniques and/or Yoga in an effort to manage my PTSD symptoms
I want to plant a vegetable garden
I want to have a hot tub

See... It's not a big list.  It's not a glamorous list.  It doesn't involve luxury vacations or fame and fortune.  It's simple things - but they are all things that feel very far away right now.  Due to time, energy, money, focus, lifestyle... so many reasons...  it just feels like all these things will be sitting on the back burner waiting for awhile.

I guess that's the good thing about dreams.  They don't have expiration dates.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

And that's what I pay her for!

Every now and then it surprises me just how damn freaking AMAZING my lawyer is.  My X just won't get on board with the GAL for the kids that was mandated by the family courts last month.

See, X was given 60 days to communicate with his kids via letters in order to introduce himself to them. After which he was supposed to meet with a GAL for a DV and Mental Evaluation, and a plan was to be developed after the GAL's investigation so that some monitored visitation could be established in a visitation center.  This is supposedly what he wants... but all he's done is be obstructive and defiant.

In the past 30 days there has been one letter sent to each child.  That's it.  He's objected (through his lawyer) to the GAL appointed by the judge.  Then he objected to both of the following GAL's we found who met the judges criteria. There is never any basis for his objection.  Just a flat refusal to sign the papers.

He recently sent a totally inappropriate choice to us, with a snotty little note from his lawyer that she was going on vacation so we should just "check Dr. D out and see when he can start."  Assuming of course that I would just fall in line with what he wants. Like I'm going to pay my lawyer to do HIS homework.  No thanks... plus this person doesn't meet the judges criteria of being an expert in Domestic Violence, and he's a male.  My four children if you haven't guessed by now are all female.  They went through a traumatic event at the hands of their own father.  They have male trust issues, especially the youngest and the oldest.  The fact that he doesn't understand this is further proof that he just doesn't accept the ramifications of his actions.

So my lawyer... being the kick ass legal bulldog that she is just sent him what is essentially a "shit or get off the pot" letter.  He has until the 26th of August to sign the papers appointing the GAL we've found that was approved by the courts - or we'll end up back in front of the judge.  He can explain to the commissioner why he's being such an ass.

It's just nice to know that she's taking care of business for me, and that she keeps the best interest of my kids in mind at all times.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Half Truth Lies

A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies. - Tennyson

When you love someone you hate to see them hurting.  Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life.  Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering. 

Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that.  She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.

He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years.  When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry.  She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again.  She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy.  She believed....  and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change.  She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too.  But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him.  Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies.  More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.

And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen.  An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE!  Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue.  Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control.  She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him.  Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify.  She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends.  Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you?  I personally don't think so.

I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married.  There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation.  So she tries not to make waves.  I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.

Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it.  I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex.  I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did.  Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred.  What I keep asking her is "why"? 

What did he do that was so loving?  Did he cherish you?  Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things? 

If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding.  I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion.  I could help her end this cycle of grief.  I WANT to understand.  I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.

I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

HCG Diet

I'm considering trying the HCG diet.  I need to do some more reasearch... anyone have any experiences they want to share?

I need to loose about 15 pounds before the wedding and I'm having a hell of a time doing it the old fashioned way so I need some assistance.

What do you guys think!?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Some People Have the DUM

Ethel and I were talking about online dating tonight.  I have never had this particular experience, and she has had some funny stories to share about ads she's seen or things she's heard of happening.  I guess one of the things that's an issue in the whole online dating world are the "scammers" as Ethel called them. People who claim to be from another country and they are looking for a way into the US. I bet it's just some sweaty dude in Chicago looking to rip off horny idiots with low self esteem and fat wallets.

I just have to ask... can a man (or woman, I guess it happens to them too) really believe that someone they've never met loves them?  I guess these women/men start a conversation and them try to develope a relationship with the goal of getting money.  It starts out all "We're soulmates..." and universally ends with "Send money to get me out of the country..." and of course these people are usually beautiful.  LOL, somehow ugly people manage to get out of Russia or Asia on their own just fine, it's only the beautiful, young, nubile people who need to be rescued!

LMAO... what kind of idiot falls for this? I mean seriously...I'm going to marry BLT and I would never ask him for money!

I guess there is a sucker born every minute!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Getting the kid to talk


I'm so damn frustrated with my oldest.  We've been working with a therapist for over a year and it's still like pulling teeth to get that kid to discuss anything related to feelings.

It's just so hard.  The therapist has made it clear that if Chef doesn't become more forthcoming there is no chance that Chef will get a choice in regards to visitation. Chef will be forced to spend time with X if there is no open dialogue to prove that there is trauma there that needs to be acknowleged and dealt with.

What am I going to do with this kid?  It's all, "I'm fine, and everything is okay. I don't want to talk about it." etc.  I feel like I can only push so hard before Chef will start to shut me out too.  I don't want that to happen.  We have a really good relationship, and I don't want to damage that.

This parenting thing is hard sometimes...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

ABC (stole that MeMe)

I took out questions that required a name be given as an answer for anonymity.

A – Age: 36
B – Bed size: King
C – Chore you hate: Laundry
D – Dinner: BBQed Pork Chops, Rice Pilaf and Sweet Corn
E – Essential start your day item: Hot Shower, Coffee... Morning Kiss
F – Favorite color: Red or Aqua
G – Gold or Silver: Silver
H – Height: 5’ 10"
I – Instruments you play(ed): Violin
J – Job title: Gasket Girl
K – Kids: 4
L – Living arrangements: Living in my cottage with BLT, four kids and two idiot dogs
M –  Music you love: Classic Rock and Country, Folk Songs from my childhood.  Pink and Prince.  I'm eclectic
N – Noise you hate: The 6 am knock on my door on the weekends... why can't my kids sleep in on Saturday just once?
O – Overnight hospital stay other than births: Car Accident, Kidney Infection, Asthma/Respiratory Infections, Gall Stones
P – Pet Peeve: Lazy People
R – Right or left handed: Right but I eat with my left. 
S – Siblings: Just 1, but we don't have a relationship right now.
T – Time you wake up: 6 am
U- Underwear:  I'm a pantie snob.  Bras and panties must match.  No cotton.  I prefer silky fabrics and dark colors. Boy short style are comfy, but I dig a sexy thong set with a push up bra.
V – Vegetable you dislike: Eggplant
W – Ways you run late: Forgetting my GPS, or I can't find the kids shoes, it's always the shoes.
X – X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, arm, foot, shoulder, lungs, ribs, tailbone, fingers,
Y – Yummy food you make: Home made pizza
Z – Zoo favorite: Otters and the Gibbons Monkeys.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lucy version 2.0

You know how some guys have a "type"?  Well my X has a's everything I'm not.  He told me a hundred times.  He likes em' tiny, blond, blue eyed, and a little on the wholesome side.  Reese Witherspoon with big tits is his ideal.  He even said on a few occasions that he was surprised he ever asked me out, that mostly he felt sorry for me, because I'm not his type. 

Once in the middle of having sex he looked down and me and said, "you know if you went tanning, and dyed your hair blond, and looked totally different you could be really hot."  He was confused by my instant, "get the hell off of me before I castrate you."  You see he had no clue why that was insulting.

So imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of his new live in girlfriend.  Yes people... the man who has only been out of jail for domestic violence with a gun for 3 months found some woman to move in with. And holy hell batman she has KIDS. Plural.   The man who intensly dislikes children, and didn't care enough about his own kids to be a part of their lives on any more than a very base level moved in with a woman who has 3 children.

I won't lie.  I looked her up on Facebook.  Oh Em Gee... it's a total mind fuck.  Excuse the foul language but it's totally deserving in this situation.

We have the same hair color and style.  We are the same height, in fact she's a bit taller according to former Father In Law.  She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am though... she's a larger version of me! We wear the same glasses.  We have the same college degree and career path.  We have the same favorite movie, favorite book/authors.  We both are runners.  We both have several kids.  We both have prominent chins with clefts in the center.

Holy crap people I'm not imagining it... Ethel saw it too.  HE'S REPLACED ME... WITH ME! LUCY VS. 2.0  I'm not sure who should be more creeped out.  Me, because even though I was never his ideal he went out and purposefully found someone as close to me as humanly possible? Or her... because she's his ex wife's doppleganger.  He met her online according to mutual family (they vollunteered this juicy tid bit in an effort to bait me or judge my reaction, I didn't ask where they met)  so that means that he had to wade through other options to purposefully chose my twin.

Creeeeepy if you ask me....especially since his last letter about a year ago said, that he promised he would get back everything that was taken away from him. 

Good lord I wonder if that woman has any idea what she got herself into?

Monday, August 8, 2011

So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.

Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago.  Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head.  See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily.  Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.

But alas... no.  Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here)  see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist.  Everything is about her.  Her feelings.  The work she does, the ways she suffers.  That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out. 
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess.  It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven  to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?

How exactly would you like me to suffer?  What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation?  Did I terrorize your son with a gun?  No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain.  Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?

So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do.  PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper.  Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?

Lets see... what else have we got? 

Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation...  no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?

So where are we?  Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares...  and those are just the biggies.  There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I.  There was a difficult job change.  There is the daily struggle to parent four kids.  There are questions to which I may never have answers.

So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma?  Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state?  Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?

Because, as far as I can tell...  beyond everything else I listed,  just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough.  Now I'm getting on with my life.  I don't care to placate you any longer.  I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues.  I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.

I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists.  It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye.  No it's not me... it's you.  I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends.  Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.

With my head held high,

*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better....  I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***

Friday, August 5, 2011

Thank You Universe!

The entire world will be a richer place once you marry an amazing man and have a beautiful future and have your romantic love affair.

We knew this when we helped you pick your dreams.

So let's get cracking,
    The Universe

Friday, July 29, 2011

Things I've learned this week

This was a ... hmm...  odd week.  Odd sums it up.  It was stressful, and busy, and we've all been a bit cranky.  We've had some personnel changes at work that were difficult, and we're all pulling a few extra hours to cover our collective asses.

This week I've learned the following:

1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it.  It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure.  The maternal unit, however, is more creative.  She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds. 
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them.  No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em.  Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.

*Sigh...*  So that was my week. 

Tell me what YOU learned this week!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Think Before You Act

Something came to light this past week that just took my breath away.  Someone I would normally describe as intelligent did something so stupid, so thoughtless, so Fing asinine that I have no words. My trust in this person's common sense is just destroyed.

What this person did puts others in danger and it's... well... it's purely out of selfishness.  With a smidge of self indulgence and a sprinkling of retardation thrown in.  It's immature, reckless, and wrong.

I don't know how to go forward from here.  I'm not in a position to say anything to this person, but DAYUM I'm bad at keeping my mouth shut.  Shocking I know...

I seriously need to kick someones ass.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

It's the little things

I think it's the little things that make up a good relationship.  My X was good at grand gestures.  Over the top displays of expensive gifts or trips... or whatever was easy and impressive.  He excelled at looking generous while actually exerting no forethought and very little work. 

But when it came to the day to day things he was a wreck.  He didn't seem to understand that I didn't want a new diamond bracelet - I wanted someone to help me with our four kids.  I didn't need a new, bigger house.  I needed respect. 

BLT on the other hand is all about the little things.  It's just in his nature.  He is considerate.  He is hard working.  He listens.  It's the way he always places his hand on the small of my back when we're out together... it's comforting.  It's the way he carries all my stuff out to the car for me in the morning, or scrapes the frost off my windows before he leaves for work.  It's that he knows what my favorite band is, or what movie I will like on TV.  He gets me... he knows my moods. 

Life is made up of millions of little moments, and all those little things add up to so much more than an occasional lavish gift with no forethought put into it.  It's a sweet kiss goodnight, or a warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning.  It's reading different books and telling each other all about them.  It having someone to hold you at night and listening to their heart beat as you fall asleep.  It's about laughing and joking, and staying up all night talking about your future.  It's about the way he'll order dessert and split it with you just because he knows you want some and don't want to feel guilty about it.

I could live the whole rest of my life without another piece of fancy jewelry, or a luxury vacation.... but I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to a life without BLT.  My life is so much better with him in it.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

She called him Daddy

BLT tucked the little ones in tonight, and TNT looked up at him with half closed eyes, and in a shy sleepy voice she said, "I love you... night night daddy..."

BLT looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. 

I think she was testing it out to see how it felt.  Several days ago she asked me what she should call BLT now that we were going to be getting married, and I told her that she should call him whatever feels right.  I told her to continue to call him BLT if she wants to, that there are no rules about this type of thing.

I think it's sweet, and I know BLT liked it. I have no idea if she'll will continue to call him daddy, or dad... or just go back to BLT.  It will be interesting to see what she decides.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Let's Gather Round the Ol' Campfire!

I'm excited! We are heading out camping with the kids for the very first time.  It should be fun! I really hope they like it, because it's something BLT and I want to do on a regular basis, and listening to whining, disgruntled kids is about as much fun as sticking  a spork in your own eye!

So we've packed our cooler, rolled up our sleeping bags, and borrowed a tent from Ethel.

What a good friend Ethel is too, she agreed to watch my two idiot dogs for the weekend, boy oh boy do I owe her one now!

Wish us luck and fair weather!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Good News / Bad New... Court Edition!

Let's start with the good news.  I'm doing a victory dance here - a Jig of Joy, maybe even a little Hula of Happiness!  I went to court yesterday, and it really went about as well as could be expected!  The judge saw right through all the lies, and excuses. She did not believe for one second that my X is a victim in any way.

She told my X that he doesn't get to disappear from the children's life for two years, and then just expect to walk back into it without any sort of gradual reintroduction.  She agrees with my insistence that he needs a mental health evaluation by a clinical therapist with a PhD and experience in Domestic Violence treatment.  She mandated that he have therapy, parenting classes, and a batterers treatment program BEFORE he even gets to the point where he can have monitored visitation.  She expressed concern that he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was wrong, that he commited domestic violence, and that he has damaged my children.  She seemed to understand that as of yesterday he still wasn't accepting any responsibility for his actions, and until he got some help he wasn't going to get access to my children.

The X asked for the following things:
* Residential visitation in his home - DENIED
* Visitation, In his mothers home. Monitored by his Mother - DENIED
* No post conviction requirements, such as therapy or parenting classes - DENIED
* The right to have our phone numbers, address, emails and other contact information - DENIED
* The right to claim the kids as deductions on his taxes (even though he has yet to pay a penny in child support for two years!) - DENIED
* Removal of the Order of Protection on the children - DENIED
*Shared decision making for the children - DENIED

What he did get is the following:
* The ability to start writing his children letters - sent to their therapist for her review, and potential editing before they read them.
* A reduction in child support.  She reduced the payment by 14.00 per month.  He's paying a pittance as it is - only 100.00 more per month than Ethel's brother pays for his single child, and we have four children! For a man so desperate to see his kids he's sure doing everything within his power to avoid supporting them.
* The judge is making me pay 1/2 of the fee for the Guardian ad Lidem and for 1/2 of his monitored visitation!  Why the hell I have to pay half of the fee for HIS visitation and monitoring...when he's the dangerous one who screwed up and went to jail is beyond me!

So that's the long and the short of it.  For the most part I got everything I wanted.  The kids are safe, the re-introduction will be slow and gradual, and monitored in a professional facility by trained personnel.  He will have to pass a Psych evaluation and take some much needed classes.  And most importantly, a Guardian ad Lidem is appointed to help investigate and determine what is in the best interest of my kids. 

It REALLY sucks that I have to come up with money to pay for half of the GAL and monitoring... especially when I didn't do anything wrong, but if it keeps the kids safe then I don't care if I have to do bikini car washes, scrub toilets, or scoop dog crap in the park to make the 3,000.00 bucks to pay for it.  I'll figure it out. 

BLT and I decided to scale way back on the wedding plans and use that money instead to help pay for the GAL.  It means no fancy triple cheesecakes (we will likely do a simple home made cake), no full plated dinner (appetizers and cocktails instead) and sorry family, but no open bar!  I'm going to wait until Easter time and hopefully get the 3 little girls discounted Easter Dresses instead of fancy flower girl dresses.  I am considering taking back my wedding dress too...  it's a silly expense, and I don't need to spend money on a dress. I'll make my invites, and we won't have a photographer.  I'll ask our guests to bring their digital cameras and just email us all the photos they take. 

We've also decided that a honeymoon isn't an option.  Maybe later in the year we can get away for a day or two once the kids are out of school for the summer.  I was thinking that we could keep an eye out for some kind of airline / hotel deal someplace close by for just a weekend, or even drive out of town and find a lovely little bed and breakfast to snuggle into for a few days.  Either way... we're patient!

Speaking of money - when it rains it pours it seems.  Yesterday when I woke up we found that someone smashed out the window in my car and stole a purse I didn't realize got left inside.  Add to that, the dentist just called me.  They apparently mis-quoted and billed me incorrectly and I owe them an additional 383.00 for some dental work I had done last week. 

LOL...could anyone else possibly need money from me right now?  Likely... but they'll just have to stand in line and wait their turn!  I remember a saying I once heard someone say about money.  "Spend it on what brings you joy, because you can't take it with you when you die!"  Nothing gives me more joy and peace than knowing my kids are safe.

BLT and I will still get our happily ever after - it will just be on a smaller scale.  This will leave us some money to put towards making sure we get the best GAL possible and make sure the kids are taken care of.  I have faith that it will all work out in the end.   I mean honestly... we've made it this far.  The rest of this should be smooth sailing!