Life gets in the way of all my plans

I'm sure you understand what I mean!  Isn't that the case for everyone? At least for those of us who are not independently wealthy, living a life of ease?  Where oh where is that nanny? Has anyone seen my Chef?

I was hoping to update my blog several times over the past few weeks, and each time I sat down I was inundated with things to do - wedding things, kid things, work commitments, emails, Christmas projects... you name it.

Now it's nearly Christmas, and I'm getting ready to head out of town to celebrate with BLT's family.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping, and packing to get gifts send UPS to the future in-laws.  Once that was accomplished I needed to focus on my niece's 12th birthday, as well as my annual holiday cookie party.

I love this time of year, but occasionally I have to remind myself that these things are supposed to be fun - they aren't supposed to be stressful.  I have to sit back, take a breath, and let some things go.  I tend to aim for perfection and beat myself up if we don't fit in every event, every party, every tradition.  As the kids have gotten older I've found it harder and harder to keep up.  This year all that stress was multiplied by the knowledge that upon our return in January we will be facing a visit from our GAL to do a home study and discuss my X with the children. She's trying to determine what their interest is in seeing him, and whether or not they are emotionally ready for that to happen.  It's an incredibly stressful idea - the thought that someone is coming into your home to interview your children, poke around, and make judgements on your abilities. 

I had wanted to go to Zoo Lights.  I wanted to get holiday portraits taken. I wanted to bring cookie baskets to our fire house. I wanted to make Christmas cards. None of those things were accomplished.  Hell, I only got a Christmas tree put up on the 16th because the Cookie Party was happening that weekend and I wanted the house to look somewhat festive! At this point I'm going to be rushing like mad for the next two days to get the four kids hair cut (to avoid looking like small homeless people when we are introduced to BLT's extended family for the first time) to finish up the laundry and pack up our bags, to deliver the idiot dogs to Ethel for doggy-sitting, packing up the car, and cleaning out the fridge so we don't leave food to go bad for the next couple weeks.

I did manage to get my snow tires installed, and get the kids to bathe the rotten dogs - which I know Ethel appreciates! 

So it appears that the Nanny has permanently run off with the Chef - so I better get to that long "to do" list before I end up even farther behind!

Not Feelin' that Christmas Spirit

I'm not upset.  I'm not depressed, or feeling negatively in any way about the holidays - I'm just overwhelmingly busy.  Usually I'm one of those obnoxiously happy holiday partakers who decorates her house to the nines.  The tree is up the weekend of Thanksgiving, and I've got holly hung by the front the door, stockings near the mantle, cheesy patterned Santa and reindeer pillows on the couch, a collection of nut crackers on display, and our advent calender ticking off the days towards Christmas.

This year?  Nothing yet.  We are taking the kids south to see BLT's family during Christmas, so we're leaving on the 22nd and don't plan on coming home until the new year.  I'm just not overly excited about hauling all the decorations out for two weeks of enjoyment. I even borrowed a fake tree so I don't have a fire hazard here in my living room while we are away... but it's still sitting in it's box in the middle of the floor.

I'm busy as hell at work, and I have to get all the holiday gifts wrapped ASAP and mailed down to the family so that the kids can open them Christmas morning.  I need to do laundry and pack, finish up my baking for my annual cookie exchange, figure out what to do for BLT's birthday - it's in December as well - along with your average host of holiday obligations. 

It's all fun, and I'm not Bah Humbugging any of it... but damn I'm tired.  I just don't feel like decorating this year....

Whore-a-Ween Strikes Again!

I both love and hate this time of year.  Halloween is my favorite holiday, but the older my kids get the more stressful it is to shop for Halloween costumes.

The girls costumes that will fit my kids are... hmmm... shall we say it bluntly?  WHOREISH!  For the love of God people, we live in the Pacific Northwest.  In October it's freaking cold as a well digger's ass.  Not to mention I simply refuse to send my kids out dressed as: Sexy Kitty, Sexy Witch, Naughty Nurse... or the generic slut costume du jour "Miss Behavin'"  *gag*

It's always a fight.  The girls see something that appeals to them and I get to be the bad guy.  Especially with Lady Bug.  That girl is sweet, and I adore her, but her tact and taste level are still in the development stage if you get what I'm saying?! 

When did Halloween become about wearing plunging necklines and micro mini skirts with fish net hosiery?  And why the hell does every single costume come with fish net pantyhose anyway?  What about "Angel", "Cheerleader", "Ghost", or "Fairy" dictates hooker-esque leg wear?

YIKES...  this momma can't take much more....  I'm getting some sheets and they all get to be Casper the Friendly Ghost whether they like it or not!  Anyone got a spare Burkah or two they want to loan me?

How about this...

My personal opinion on Valentine's Day is that I would MUCH rather have someone who is nice to me in little, sweet ways all the time than someone who waits and lets me know they love me once a year. Like some expensive piece of jewelry shaped like a heart makes up for all the times you said mean things, didn't follow through with your promises, and in general let me down.

My former husband was great at big, lavish, ass-kissing gestures once or twice a year.  I guess he figured that was enough to keep him out of the dog house.  Well it wasn't.  Because you see the thing is he treated me like crap the rest of the year.  He made these lavish gestures like diamond bracelets and then if I wasn't appreciative in the way he thought I should be, or if I didn't gush he would get mad.  Gifts ALWAYS had strings attached, and towards the end of our marriage it got to the point where I didn't ask for anything - then I just told him NOT to give me gifts because I didn't like the games that came along with them.

Things with BLT are so different.  I doubt he's gotten me anything for Valentines Day - he's been working a ton (and remember we work together so it's not like I don't know where he is all week LOL), and then he left and will be out of town on Monday.  Honestly I am totally, 100% okay with that.  He's staying home next week to take care of me after a minor surgical procedure.  He is so kind in so many little ways on a daily basis that I don't feel the need for a token to prove it.

So I say the hell with this supposed "holiday".  How about this... lets all spend the whole year making our significant others feel loved and appreciated and tell the jewelers and the chocolatiers to kiss our butts on February 14th!

It was easier and harder than I thought it would be, the 13 hour drive, and other fun stuff.

I dropped the kids off at my in-laws house on Christmas day.  It was harder than I thought it would be. My cousins didn't even come out to say hello.  My in laws didn't help unload the car - they made it very apparent that I wasn't wanted there.  Every single person I would call "family" for the past 15 years, excluding my parents and BLT, were in that house opening gifts, having the traditional stockings and nerf "war" I had always participated in...  and I wasn't welcome.  My own brother was there and he didn't even call me or talk to me on Christmas day.  I cried all the way home.  I was depressed and stayed in bed for most of the day.  BLT napped and in general tried to leave me alone in my misery. I assumed this whole thing would only last 3-4 hours....  7 hours later I still didn't have my kids back home.  So I've already decided we're not doing that again next year.  I'm sorry, but I was miserable, and it's not okay with me that they expect to have the kids for the entire day - I missed out on the whole Christmas day with them, so next year I'll avoid all this stress and drama and make other arrangements!  On the plus side my former Mother In Law - Drama Momma didn't pull any inappropriate stunts and kids had a good time.

Finally I was able to go get them around seven at night and things started to improve.  We packed the car up and headed south to stay with BLT's family for a week.

We got up at 3 am, loaded up the kids and the car and headed south.  13 hours later we had driven through every possible weather condition known to man including winds that felt like a damn hurricane blowing the car all over the road, blinding snow, hail, bright sunshine, and a patch of fog as thick as potato soup.  BUT...we arrived!  Now we get to relax for the next four days with his family before heading home for the New Year. 

Blue puppy was a raging success!  Monkey Pants looked at me and said, "I TOLD you Santa was magic!!"  All the extra effort was definitely worth every minute!

I decided to give BLT his ring in private after the kids opened all their gifts and we were able to get a few minutes alone. I explained my worries and he was very sweet about the whole thing.  He loves the ring.  He showed it off to his family and he's been wearing it ever since.  I'm really happy he likes it - and he completely understands the spirit in which it was intended - so all my anxiety was for nothing...as usual!

Happy Holidays dear friends and readers.  I hope the next week is fun, relaxing, and enjoyable for all! No more posts from me until I get back home.  I'm spending time with my man, my kids, and new friends and family.

New Traditions

Things change.  Change isn't always bad, but it can be hard.  This will be the first year in my children's entire lives that they haven't spent Christmas Eve with their Great Grandparents... my X's family... for Christmas Eve. 

I know it's always been their tradition, but I allowed them to go last year and I was miserable.  I can't stand being away from my kids on the Holidays, and well... I'm being selfish this year.  I'm having my parents over for holiday meal tonight - the first time I've spent the actual holiday with them in over 15 years,  and I'm keeping the kids here to spend the evening with us.

We'll eat, open gifts with the Grandparents, and then set out cookies for Santa and shuffle everyone off to bed after we watch a holiday movie.

Once the kids are all asleep BLT and I will fill stockings and set out Santa Gifts.  We'll nibble the cookies and drink the milk, and try to get a few hours of sleep before the kids get up at the crack of dawn, as kids tend to do on Christmas morning.

It might not be what we're used to doing... but I'm excited to spend Christmas Eve with my girls in our own house, together with BLT.  Sometimes change is good. 

Merry Christmas to everyone who stops by to read my simple words. I appreciate each and every comment, and if anything I've ever written has either helped someone else, or made someone feel less alone; shoot even if something here made you see things in a new light then I feel very blessed.  Have a safe and happy holiday season - I hope you're all surrounded by love and warmth and family.

Blue Puppy Success

I'll have to post a picture when I can get a good one.  The puppy turned out perfectly!

Two adults, one bottle of blue dye, a hair dryer, and 45 minutes later... voila....  a perfectly baby blue Go Go Puppy for my Monkey Pants.

She will be the MOST excited little girl on Christmas morning!

Rethinking his Christmas Gift

I'm seriously rethinking one of the gifts I got for BLT.  I bought him a ring.  When I saw it my only thought was that it looks very much like the watch he picked out for himself.  It's made of Tungsten, which is supposed to be harder and more scratch resistant than Silver or Titanium even, so he can wear it at work. It has a center ring of black carbon that looks so cool.  It's very masculine and fashionable.

I just thought it was a really attractive piece of men's jewelry that he could wear on his off hand and it would look great with his watch....   but I don't want him thinking it means something other than that, or that it's some kind of passive aggressive non-verbal expectation for him to buy me a similar type of gift.

Honestly, I have gift "issues" related to my disastrous previous holidays and birthdays with my ex husband.  I have all this anxiety about whether or not he'll like it, or if there are expectations about how much we should have or shouldn't have spent?  What if I spent way more than he did, or vice-versa, and the other person feels awkward afterwards?

In my past, gifts were tools of manipulation. Used to "buy" desired behaviors or withheld to punish.  There were expectations and strings attached to EVERYTHING.  He would give me a trip to Vegas with my best friend but then for months afterward would tell me I was a selfish person and a horrible mother for going.  He would give me a gift certificate to a salon and then complain about having to watch the children so that I could use it, so it would sit useless until it expired. Then there was the banner year that he gave me a bathroom scale for Christmas... I had just had a baby in November...

Mostly we just didn't exchange gifts.  We had gotten to the point in our marriage that we bought things for the children and then just bought something for the house that everyone could use - like a TV or a Wii or something like that.  It was just easier that way and less stressful.

But now, BLT and I are starting our own traditions, and we're celebrating holidays doing things our own way.  This means I don't know what to expect. I don't know what his expectations are...  I don't want to either disappoint him or make him uncomfortable either.  UGH... I hate this... 

So I've pulled the ring out from under the tree... I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not.  I just don't know what to do.

The things we'll do for our children...

I prepped the kids for at least two weeks before we went to see Santa on Friday night.  I thought I knew what they would ask the big guy to bring them.  See - I made the mistake of setting it up so that each year the kids asked Santa for the one thing they wanted most, and I made sure they got it.  In the past it's always been easy to obtain items for the most part.

This year the Chef asked for art supplies.  Lady Bug wants an electric guitar.  TNT took my suggestion and asked Santa for a surprise ( because "Santa" found a screaming deal on a huge, soft Teddy Bear so this works perfectly).  Last but not least was Monkey Pants who was saying for weeks, and being encouraged by mommy, to ask for a Silvermist Doll - said Silvermist doll being already purchased and well hidden. 

The kids hop up on Santa's lap and sure enough - "art supplies please", "an electric guitar would rock!", "I love you Santa, bring me a surprise!" and then it's Monkey Pants' turn.  What does the kid ask for?  "Santa, I was really good so I want a Go Go Walking Puppy, a blue one!"

WHAT?  That wasn't the plan!  I've spent my allotted holiday budget and I certainly did not purchase a Go Go Walking Puppy! What's a mom to do?  Of course I go online and look for the Go Go puppy.  Target, Walmart, and Toys R Us all sold out.  Perseverance pays off however and I find one at a local Walmart store.

Well last night Monkey Pants informs me, very seriously, that she asked for a BLUE go go puppy, and that Santa is magic and can do anything.  GREAT... okay...  So here's my plan;  said Go Go puppy is going to be smuggled to work with mom on Friday after I drop the kids off at Daycare.  Grandma and I are going to get a misting bottle and some pretty blue Rit Dye.  We'll mist down the doggy and fluff with an ionic hair dryer on a cool setting.  Then a big blue satin ribbon tied around it's little electronic neck and Voila... Blue Go Go Walking Puppy.

Whew... the things we'll go through for our kids.  I'm bringing a teddy bear from the house this week to practice my misting technique on before I try my hand at coloring her Santa gift.  Wish me luck!

Just not feelin' it...

In the past I've been one to rush towards the holiday season with open arms. I was that annoyingly chipper woman with her tree up and her entire house decorated within a few days of Thanksgiving. I attended every craft bazaar I could find. I baked cookies and sang carols with the best of them.

This year I'm just not feelin' it. I've finished up my holiday shopping, but I just left the gifts in their bags and hid them up in the attic. I just can't get up any ambition. I have no desire to wrap gifts or put up a tree. I'm not in the mood for any of it.

It's not that I'm necessarily depressed, I just don't have any holiday spirit. I feel a little sad, but mostly frustrated. I'm upset with the In-Laws still and all our holiday traditions are in the toilet. Nothing is the same as it used to be... and I'm not sure what to do with ourselves.

Last year it had only been about 12 weeks since the incident happened and Christmas passed in a total blur. I don't even remember Christmas morning. I just got out of bed and tried it make it through the day. This year I'm present and I want to enjoy the holiday, I just need to figure out how to get myself into gear.

I guess the month is young...there's still time for the spirit of the season to inspire me.

Bigger Isn't Always Better

The joy of simplicity is a new lesson for me. In the past, I admit that I was a gluttonous consumer. I bought into the suburban ideal of bigger, better, fancier, and more expensive as the road to happiness.

I pushed my ex husband to buy bigger houses each time we had another child on the way. I was convinced we needed bigger cars, or better cars with more features. Somehow I thought if I lived in a "better" neighborhood, in a bigger house I would be happy. If I could have those cherry hardwood floors and granite counter tops I could feel satisfied. If I hosted Thanksgiving for 20 and bankrupted myself buying the perfect table ware and decorations then I would prove what a good wife and mother I was. I would be worthy... I would be lovable if I could be a cross between Martha Steward and Mary Poppins. I made napkin rings and place cards for goodness sake.

And you know what? I didn't feel more loved. I wasn't satisfied with my ginormous house that took forever to clean. I felt put out and exhausted, and mostly unappreciated.

This year I hosted a smaller dinner for my parents, Ethel's family, BLT, the kids and I. I used a table cloth and dishes I already had. I asked for help. I nixed the heels and fancy dress and chose instead to wear jeans and pulled my hair back in a pony tail. I laughed, I cried a little, I said a genuine prayer of gratitude for the people I love and for the blessings in my life. For the first time in longer than I can remember I felt HAPPY as I sat down to eat my Thanksgiving meal. I felt appreciated and loved.... and I didn't have to have a fancy house or new dishes, or handmade napkin rings to get it.

This lesson of simplicity and appreciation is a long time coming. I'm enjoying this new way of life.

Home with my Turkeys

We are hosting Thanksgiving dinner today at my house. I have all my most beloved with me; My kids, My Parents, BLT and Ethel.

I need nothing more than this.

I barely remember the holidays last year. Several months after the incident are just a blur. All I could do was get up, go to work, come home, eat, and pass out. I hid in sleep. I blocked out everything I just couldn't deal with. I was in and out of court, injured, unsure where we were going to live or how I was going to take care of four kids all alone. All I could do was survive and try to avoid making any major decisions.

This year I'm HERE, I'm present. I'm thankful and aware of my blessings.

I hope all of my loved ones, and friends - old and new - have a blessed holiday. I hope you're surrounded by those you love in the comfort of a warm home. And most of all I wish you all PIE... yummy, warm, ooey-gooey pie that makes your eyes roll back in your head it's so tasty!

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!