It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Real Man...

A real man will hold your hand in public, even if you're not looking your best.

A real man will help you clean vomit off the floor when your kids get sick - even when they aren't his kids.

A real man knows how to laugh at himself.

A real man pushes you to do things that scare you when he knows its in your best interest.

A real man will help comfort a small child who just found out their grandmother died.

I will NEVER take my man for granted.  Today he held my hand.  Today he laughed at himself.  Today he held my baby and dried her tears when she found out her Great Grandmother passed away. 

Today I fell in love with him all over again.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

mZ E honored me with my first bloggy love award...

So thank you, thank you Miss mZ E for passing on the blog love!

The rules state that I share 7 things about myself... so here we go... These are random bits of Little Ol' Me:

1. I LOVE... I mean LOVE red velvet cake.  If you can add some white chocolate shavings to it I'll be your slave.

2.  I've always wanted to buy a vintage VW hippy van.  Teal or yellow if possible.  I want to drive it around and get my thrift on at flea markets, filling up my hippy van with vintage treasures.

3.  I really like to sleep in the sun... nude.  There is something amazing about feeling the sun's rays warming your entire body. 

4.  My all time favorite song is Brown Eyed Girl

5. The sexiest part of a man, in my opinion, has to be either his lips or the small of his back.  Two spots I find especially delicious.

6. I want to visit NYC more than any other place in the US.  I want to go in winter and ice skate in Rockafeller Center, I want to see the big Christmas Tree and eat a hot dog from a street vendor. I want to ride the subway and visit Times Square.

7.  If I could afford it I would have plastic surgery.  I want to have a tummy tuck (after four kids and loosing a bunch of weight I'm not happy with my stomach AT ALL.  If I could find a surgeon who would let me pay on the "forever payment plan" I would do it in a heart beat.  I would have this done for myself, as I think it would make me more secure in my body.

Now to pick some of my favorite bloggers to pass on the love to:

My girl Ethel at Good Girl, Bad Thoughts
Miss Sunshine at Sunshine on My Shoulder
Hawtie QT at The Adventures of QTMama
The Ever Wise T at Life As a Classroom
The adorable BobbiJanay at When Did I Go From a Kid To a Grownup?
The very interesting John at The Pain of Happiness
Bad-Ass Bikin over at Still Altering Habits

So there you go... some blog love for me.  Some silly facts you didn't know, and some blog loves in return for a few of my favorite writers.

Pass on the lovin' folks....

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear.  No parole.  No monitoring.  Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together.  I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside.  I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that.   I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep.  I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center.  The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack.  I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago.  I'm really afraid to, to be honest.  I'm afraid to look at those photos.  Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls.  I'm not running away.  I'm not hiding in my bed.  But I feel anything but fearless these days.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Love Is...

Love is finding that special person who thinks your quirks are endearing instead of irritating as hell.

I found him...

He loves the matching bra and panties.  He appreciates the order of my closets.  He laughs about my food issues. He tells me my shoes are sexy. He loads the dishwasher the way I like.  He smiles and looks the other way when I refold the towels, and he ALWAYS closes the closet door for me now without me having to ask. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Quirks... I has em...

I'll be honest- I am aware that I have, shall we say, Quirks. 

I can only stand one kind of hangers in my clothing closet.

All of my clothes are organized by color, tank tops followed by short sleeves, followed by long sleeves.  Anything out of place bugs the hell out of me.

When I load the dishwasher I separate all the silverware into their own areas of the basket.  Forks together, butter knives, small spoons, etc  I tell myself it's because it makes it easier to put it away when it's clean...but honestly I just like how orderly it looks.

My towels in the linen closet are folded with military precision (but I could care less about the sheets... weird I know)  It is one of the simple joys in Ethel's life to come and refold a few of my towels just to make me twitch.  I know, I know....  it's fun to mess with the anal retentive, I can't blame her. 

I have food texture issues.  I don't eat anything slimy.  No jello, no pudding, no cream pies etc.  I HATE anything squishy.  I don't eat seafood (allergies), I prefer all meat removed from the bone, I can't choke down iced or even room temperature coffee - it has to be very hot, and last but not least I detest cream sauces, tempura, white gravy, and cottage cheese.

The only part of my body that is ticklish is my back, it's also my biggest erogenous zone.  A finger lightly run up my spine makes me swoon.  A kiss on the shoulder blade and I'm all yours.  People have accidentally touched my back in a crowd and made me groan out loud (that can be embarrassing...)

I refuse to wear ugly shoes for comfort.  I would rather ache all day and wear cute shoes.  I'm very tall and I adore my stiletto heels.  I consider it my job as a woman to extend some effort to look nice for my man on a daily basis.  Vain?  Sure.  I'm okay with that.

I will only wear matching bra and pantie sets.  I only buy things in sets and will not mix and match.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE lingerie and take great pride in my pretty matching sets.  Like shoes... I just see no reason for any female under the age of 80 to wear cotton panties you can purchase in a bulk pack.  No way, never, uh uhhh  No self respecting woman should buy panties that come in a plastic package. There is something exquisitely feminine about opening that box and pulling aside the tissue to see your lacy bits of girlyness waiting for you.

Lastly... It's silly I know, but I can't sleep with the closet door open.  I don't care what anyone says, there are monsters in there....

So fess up... what are YOUR weird quirks? 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Healing from the Inside Out

I saw a show on t.v. last night that made me think.  Pssst...not ALL television rots your brain. This was a medical drama / solve the mystery / based on real events kinds of thing where a beautiful, young, up and coming model drops dead.  It's not until her autopsy that they find out she's riddled with disease.  What was perfect on the outside was full of rot and decay on the inside.

That's exactly what my marriage was like - Pretty on the outside.  It made me think about other marriages I've seen break up lately.  It's a perfect euphemism for the cancer that grows inside some relationships, and how insidiously it can spread.  You just never can tell what's really going on sometimes.  Ethel called me earlier in the week to tell me about a family member getting divorced.  This woman went to amazing lengths to have children - only to realize it's much harder than she anticipated.  She moved out of her house and will pay her husband child support while he becomes the full time parent...  WOW.  I just can't imagine ever making that choice. 

I'm sure there are many, varied issues going on that led to the divorce.  There always is.  It just seemed so out of the blue to people on the outside.

Which caused me to spend some time considering my own divorce, and the time since then I've spent trying to heal.  I think I've been going about this the wrong way...  I've always been highly aware of my "image" while I was married. It became very important to me to maintain the perception that everything was perfect.  That has followed me into this new phase of my life.  I've spent a lots of time and energy trying to make sure neighbors, friends, family, teachers, and former in laws see the "right things".  I've forced the kids to participate in events they didn't want to for appearances.  I've made mistakes and choices I'm not proud of to present the image of a happy, well adjusted, family.

I was going by the old saying, "Fake it till you make it." only it isn't working....  and if I was honest with myself up front I would have accepted that it's a bullshit excuse for not doing the hard work of dealing with our problems head on.

I think it's time to try a new tactic, I think it's time to start working from the INSIDE out.  I think the issues my oldest child and I are having partially result from not dealing with the anger, fear, and level of disrespect that was rampant in our home prior to the divorce.  I have to work on  all of these issues inside our house, and inside our relationship and ourselves and not worry about how it looks to outsiders. 

So our life isn't as pretty and glossy as it used to be - so what! At least we'll be healthy. In the end there is one universal truth...  Beauty fades, you can't maintain the image of perfection forever.  We can't pretend everything is okay if it's not.  I'm not willing to live a lie like that anymore.  I want better for myself and my kids.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

My First HNT....

I sent this photo to BLT this past weekend since he was out of town on business with the note, "the girls" and I miss you...

So, no laughing or I'll get a voodoo doll and poke pins in uncomfy places!!

So there we go... GULP.... my first HNT post!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Feeling the Need to Purge

I feel the need to clean up my house and get rid of some unwanted items.  I have no desire to go to all the trouble of holding a garage sale so off to the thrift it goes.

Maybe it's an early bit of Spring Fever striking, urging me towards spring cleaning and decluttering.  I'm down and out for the next couple days while I recover from a minor surgical procedure, and it's giving me plenty of time to look around and realize my little blue cottage is getting over full once again.

So away it goes. 

One thing being nearly homeless teaches you is that stuff just holds you back and causes anxiety.  How do I store it, clean it, maintain it, display it?  I think, that for a long time I collected and held onto "things" because I was trying to make myself happy by surrounding myself with pretty baubles, fancy clothes, and tidbits.  I was miserable at home so I filled my house up with "stuff" hoping it would bring me some happiness.

Now I'm very happy - and my desire to store and maintain anything non-essential is very limited.  I don't need things to make myself feel loved and comfortable, and therefore they need to go. 

I think I'll start with my closet and work my way from my room to the kids' - then to the main living area.  I love making a plan.  I love making a list and checking things off as I accomplish them.  As soon as I'm feeling better I'm going to start getting this little cottage in ship shape.

Monday, February 14, 2011

How does he know?

I'm not sure how BLT knows, without me telling him, what I need.  I am a complicated female and yet in some ways I'm not. I don't understand how to play games so I don't bother trying.  I don't want to expend the energy to lie, so I refuse to do so.  I tend to ask for exactly what I want, and I abhor passive aggressiveness.

Most of the time I'm not a "make love to me gently" kind of girl.  I need a certain level of intensity, roughness, and aggression to get off.  I refuse to be your mommy in bed.  If you can't figure it out then I have no time for you.  Does that make me a bitch?  I sincerely hope not, I'm just not interested in participating in a training seminar when I'm desperately striving for a bone melting orgasm (or three).

That being said, after BLT has been out of town (he's been in TN on business for four days and is finally home!)  I need that reconnection.  I need to be held close. I want to take my time, and be made love to.  Somehow he just knew.  I've never said these words out loud - and yet he gives me exactly what I need.  He says the right words.  He takes his time showing me exactly how he feels about me.  Words, touches, sighs, kisses...  perfection. Damn I missed that man.

Nobody else gets me like that.  I've never asked him... but I sincerely hope that I do the same for him.  I try to read his moods, and his body language.  I try to listen to all the things he's telling me with his actions and his words both.  Maybe that's all it is?  Maybe the key is to develop the ability to listen to what the other person is telling us even if they aren't speaking? 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

How about this...

My personal opinion on Valentine's Day is that I would MUCH rather have someone who is nice to me in little, sweet ways all the time than someone who waits and lets me know they love me once a year. Like some expensive piece of jewelry shaped like a heart makes up for all the times you said mean things, didn't follow through with your promises, and in general let me down.

My former husband was great at big, lavish, ass-kissing gestures once or twice a year.  I guess he figured that was enough to keep him out of the dog house.  Well it wasn't.  Because you see the thing is he treated me like crap the rest of the year.  He made these lavish gestures like diamond bracelets and then if I wasn't appreciative in the way he thought I should be, or if I didn't gush he would get mad.  Gifts ALWAYS had strings attached, and towards the end of our marriage it got to the point where I didn't ask for anything - then I just told him NOT to give me gifts because I didn't like the games that came along with them.

Things with BLT are so different.  I doubt he's gotten me anything for Valentines Day - he's been working a ton (and remember we work together so it's not like I don't know where he is all week LOL), and then he left and will be out of town on Monday.  Honestly I am totally, 100% okay with that.  He's staying home next week to take care of me after a minor surgical procedure.  He is so kind in so many little ways on a daily basis that I don't feel the need for a token to prove it.

So I say the hell with this supposed "holiday".  How about this... lets all spend the whole year making our significant others feel loved and appreciated and tell the jewelers and the chocolatiers to kiss our butts on February 14th!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Love Is...

Coming outside on an icy, frosty cold morning and finding your car windows already scraped clear for you....

I'll keep him!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Raising Teenagers

Raising teens, and tweens is such a joy...  and yes, I'm being sarcastic.

My oldest is just being a pain in the ass.  The conversation we had tonight was long, and loud.  I ended up taking her cell phone away.  While I'm holding it a text comes through from a friend.  Not really thinking about it I look down...

BOOM baby, just a whole lotta ugliness unleashed about what a horrible mom I am. How much she hates BLT and I, and how we have no right to tell her what to do, and all I should be worried about is that she gets straight A's so I should just butt out of her life.  Lovely...

After a while I went back down to her room. I told her:  "I love you, unconditionally. But I will not be abused.  I will not let you talk to me like this, or treat me like garbage. I did not have children so that I could be your slave.  I have expectations of you that you WILL meet.  You WILL change your attitude, and you will treat everyone in household with respect.  Otherwise I will drive you to school, pick you up in the afternoon and you will have absolutely no life other than school, chores, and homework.  You WILL participate in this family, and you WILL be a good role model for the younger kids. If you ever talk to me like that again you'll be grounded so long that you'll have grey hair before you see your friends again."

I told her that I'm it.  I'm the only parent she has.  I'm the one that works to feed her.  I'm the one that supports her. I'm the one that loves her unconditionally.  I'm the one who wants what's best for her.  I'm the one who sacrifices for her....  out there, in the real world, nobody gives a rats ass about your issues.  They want to know what you can do for THEM, not the other way around.  I told her that there is a statute of limitations on teenage moodiness and she's just about reached it.  After that people stop overlooking your bad behavior as an indicator of teenage angst, and then you know what you are?  You're just a bitch... and you don't want to be that kind of girl.  You don't really want to be an eye rolling, dismissive, rude, judgemental, pain in every one's ass... because that's not who you really are. 

Her answer was that she doesn't try to be rude.  My answer?  Well you sure as heck aren't trying NOT to be rude now are you... so how about we go at this from another angle.  For the foreseeable future you try NOT to be rude and we'll see how that works.

God help me...  I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated. I'm at my wits end.  I just want to understand what's going on with that kid.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I Highly Recommend...

JimmyJane massage candle, Bourbon scent. 

It's divine, melts to the perfect temperature, doesn't smell to "girly", in fact it smells sexy as hell, and it has a burn time of over 30 hours per candle!

BLT and I are thoroughly enjoying a kid free weekend.  As he will be out of town on Valentines Day I decided to surprise him with  a weekend of adult pleasures.  After a trip to our local adult store we're both very pleased with this purchase.

If you're looking for a great Valentine's gift I highly recommend one of these.  Either for the Missus or the Mister it's a very sweet, thoughtful, sexy gift... especially when it comes with the massage!