It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

So much good stuff...

I got the house! I sign papers tomorrow and get my keys. Ethel and a few other good friends will help me move this weekend. I'm SO Excited! To celebrate I went and bought us a new welcome mat for the front door. It's blue and has little birds on it... so cute!

BLT was offered the job and he took it. He'll be here in two and half weeks.

I got all light headed when I told him the news today. We're both so excited it's rediculous! He is turning in his two weeks notice in the morning when he goes into work. He has to tie up loose ends, get his stuff packed up and get his very fine tight ass up here to keep me warm at night!

So many amazing, welcome changes happening all at the same time, I can't wait to get movin' on with my happy little life. I am having a house warming party to celebrate!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Patience? I aint gots none!

I'm playing the waiting game. All these great things are on the verge of happening for me...I just have to be patient and let them all play out as they will. I'm possibly the most impatient person alive, I know this about myself. It's one of my issues that I struggle with on a regular basis. So I think I'm a little hard to live with these days. I apologize family and friends, I'm honestly not trying to be difficult and weird.

I want what I want, yesterday please!

I'm waiting to get the signed papers from X. I'm waiting to get the papers to sign for my lovely cottage so I can move it. I'm waiting to see when BLT will be able to come up here and be with me. I'm waiting to see if TNT will respond well to her new ADHD meds, and if life will be easier together. I'm waiting for the amazing Farm Chicks Show in June that Ethel and I will be going to.

On the BLT front there's been a recent, exciting development. My family owns a business, and they've asked to see BLT's resume. When he came up last month he went to work with me for the day, and he liked it. He would love to leave the company he's currently working for, and learn a trade skill that will enable him to have a different type of career. Plus we can afford to pay him a little more, he would have weekends off, and well, to be honest, I think he's hoping I'll sexually harass him at work...just a bit! :)

So anyway, he's sending in his resume tomorrow morning to the big boss man (my dad) and he'll make a decision as to whether or not he wants to do a phone interview with BLT or not after he calls his references and checks him out. I'm thinking it's going to work out, they would work well together. Plus we desperately need help, full time strong manly man type help.

SOOOO... waiting, waiting, waiting. And trying not to make everyone around me nuts while I do it. I need to learn to meditate or something. Not sure it would help though. I think being an impatient ass is part of my particular charm! LOL!

Friday, April 23, 2010

I found my "forever house"

I have the most lovely story to tell you...

Once upon a time there was a young girl. She dreamed of her fairytale cottage. It would be blue and white. It would have a picket fence, a fire place, a vintage claw-foot bathtub, french doors that open onto a garden full of flowers, hardwood floors, and vintage glass knobs on the wood cabinets.

That girl grew up, she had babies, she bought her first house, and her second, and her third. Each house was nice...but it was never her dream cottage. Never a flower garden, nor a set of French doors to be had.

That woman gave up a lot of herself over the years. She let someone else determine her worth. She grew to not like herself very much, one by one she forgot about her dreams, but never forgot about that blue cottage. One day, many many years later that girl found herself alone. Now a single mother with four children she thought she would never be able to have that dream cottage of her own.

One sunny day this woman goes for a jog and like a vision from the past she sees her perfect house, her sweet baby blue and white bungalow. It's exists...and it's for sale. With a sad and heavy heart she realizes that some other person would soon buy that lovely home, for surely there is no way a single mother of four can afford to purchase it on her own.

For several months she jogs past that house every day, wishing, dreaming, and hoping that some day in the future it will come up for sale again and she'll be in a position to buy it. Spring rolls around and the woman needs to move her children from the tiny duplex they are living in.

She calls on every rental in town that she can afford, but each one is already leased out. There is only one rental left in town and it's several hundred dollars out of her budget. On a whim, with no real hope that it's an option, the woman calls the last listing. She speaks to the homeowner who describes the home - it would be perfect for her and her children. The woman asks if there is any negotiation room in the rental price. She explains that she is a single mom without any child support. The home owner was also a single mother, the homeowner says she'll lower to rent to what the woman can afford...what a blessing!!!

When the homeowner gives the woman the address the woman starts to shake. Her hands get sweaty and she gets light headed. It's the blue cottage!! The homeowner is stuck with two morgages, and she's willing to rent long term to the right family. She agrees to let the woman come and see the home that evening. They do a walk through and agree that on Monday the homeowner will email the woman a rental application, and if a long term lease works out, she will SELL the woman that house on a rent to own basis!!

The woman meets the homeowner for a tour. She opens the gate at the picket fence. She pauses on the thresh hold, spying the fire place, the gleaming hardwood floors, and the glass knobs on the maple kitchen cabinets. She feels a tear fall when she opens the French doors and sees the pond and gardens out back. Her heart starts to thump in her chest when she opens the bathroom door and a vintage claw foot tub is waiting there like an old friend.

The woman thanks the homeowner and practically skips back to the dingy, tiny two bedroom duplex they've been living in to tell her children that Mommy found a forever home. A nest of their very own they can fill with flowers and love, and happy memories.

The five of them hug, they cry a little, they celebrate with ice cream for dinner. The woman can hardly wait for Monday to sign the lease and get the keys to her dream come true.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ready to Make My Move

I'm going to start looking for a new place to rent. The girls and I can't take much more of this tiny place with crazy neighbors. It's worked, and it's sure better than a camper trailer - but the kids are starting to snark at each other and get on everyone's nerves. Four kids in one room is just not working.

I called on three places today. There is VERY little to rent in the tiny town I live in. And of what there is, half is out of my price range.

I'm hoping one of these three will pan out. One is a small house. One is a mobile home. One is a townhouse.

The house is my first preference because we would have a yard for the doggies, it's not in a mobile home park, and we wouldn't share a wall.

Only one bathroom...but that's workable.

Wish me luck!! I'm really hoping one of them calls me back tomorrow.

Monday, April 19, 2010

My Baby is Broken!!

Lady Bug fell down and broke her wrist last night. Poor kiddo. She said it hurt and she wanted to use the heating pad. This morning she got up and it's twice normal size, so off to the emergency clinic we went in a jiffy.

They can't cast it, due to the swelling. So for now it's in a special brace and a sling.

Don't you hate it when your wee ones are hurting? :(

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Trying not to get my hopes up...

A couple nights ago BLT and I had another one of our long talks. We came to the conclusion that it would likely be about six months before he could move up here. Having to wait for a transfer, and since he's loosing his rental he'll have to sign a lease on an apt. most likely that is a minimum of six months.

Neither one of us was thrilled with the idea, but we agreed that our relationship is worth the wait to be together more permanently, and we would just struggle through it.

Then today...

BLT went in to talk to his manager. He asked for a few minutes of his time early in the day. His manager got busy and couldn't talk to him until right before BLT was ready to leave for the day.

He explained about me being up here and asked what it would take for a transfer... his boss said; "man we've been waiting for this, lol, we saw your girl at the Christmas party!" hehe... he tossed that little ego boost in there just for me I'm sure, silly man.

Anyway the short version is that all BLT has to do is let him know what stores he's interested in (which he will do on Wednesday when he goes into work), and his boss will get the ball moving, he figures it won't be but a month or two at the most if BLT can get ready to go that soon!!! His boss told him how much he would be missed, because he's pretty much their most dependable "go to" guy, and they're sorry to see him go, but they'll give him a great reference and make sure they get the transfer all set up when he's ready for it!

He talked to his family, they'll let him stay with them in their spare room for a month or two if need be rather than getting stuck in a lease!

I don't want to get my hopes up. It's still in the planning stages, early baby steps and all that. But there is a part of me that wants him close so bad I can't help but feel that little flutter of excitement in my belly!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Single Mom Sexy?

Inspired by several posts over the past few weeks from some of my favorite bloggers, like this one from Canadian Bald Guy I'd like to take a moment to work out some stuff in my head in regards to my own, burgeoning sexuality. Feel free to hide your eyes or simply stop reading if you have no desire to know about my sex life... ya I'm talking to you Ethel. You won't hurt my feelings if this makes you uncomfortable.

For the first time in my life I feel sexy. I feel desired, I feel powerful in bed. I know that my BLT wants me. ME. And not because I'm there, or I'm convenient... because I'm not. I'm nearly 1000 miles away - and yet I know, deep down that I'm the only one that makes him feel like he does when we're together.

You can't fake that. When he looked in my eyes while we were making love and told me that it hadn't ever been this intense with anyone else, and I understood because I felt exactly the same way, it was intoxicating. Sex with BLT is always intense. From the very first time we were together it's been a whole new experience for me.

Sex with my X was at best, nice. It was comfortable, it was convenient. I shrugged off my lack of desire or my inability (frequently) to have an orgasm and chalked it up to motherhood, or hormones, or stress. All of which are a factor I'm sure. But what I realize now, is that I had no desire for my X, and I did not feel desired as a woman in return. I got married because I was in love with the idea of family and home and permanence. I moved around a lot and had a chaotic, non-traditional family life when I was growing up. At 19 I craved comfort, children, roots. Which is all great...if you choose the right person to plant down those roots with. I did not. I married the first guy I really dated, because he was in love with me. I thought that was enough.

I was horribly wrong.

At the age of 35 I'm finally growing into my sexuality. I'm discovering what I want, what I need, what my boundaries are - and I feel so safe and so desired with BLT that I'm willing to push those boundaries and see where it takes us. In other words, I'm having the most stunning, open, exciting, intense sex of my life.

I hate to keep comparing - but those are the frames of reference I have to draw from right now. When I would try and tell my X what I wanted or needed I was shot down, or ignored. Even after 15+ years together I didn't feel like I could talk openly about my desires with him. There was a level of embarrassment that just shouldn't be there between lovers, much less between a couple married for 10+ years. I realize now that we were not compatible in a lot of ways. I need that heat, the intensity, aggression and power and fire. My X preferred things slow, comfortable. He liked to do the exact same things in the exact same a recipe for banana bread or something. He also needed CONSTANT ego stroking. He wasn't a confidant man, and no matter how many times I told him to take what he wanted, he was the kind that would rather whine about not getting enough sex. I told him flat out once, "I have four kids...I'm not going to be your mommy in the bedroom. Man up and be a little more aggressive please." He wasn't interested.

I become totally uninterested in pretending any more at that point. Shortly after that we started sleeping in separate rooms, or I came to bed hours after I knew he was asleep.

With BLT on the other hand everything he does turns me on. The way he'll run his hand down my back. The way he looks at me, like he wants to eat me alive. His smell, his taste, his lips. The deep, husky sound of his voice when he calls me sleepy, and I know exactly where the call will lead... god I live for those calls between our weekends together. Maybe it's the long distance, infrequent sex thing. Maybe it's the chemistry. Maybe it's both.

I think one of the things that is so incredible about my relationship with BLT is that we're so open. I feel no shame, nor any embarrassment when we talk about what we want when we make love. He is so straight forward with me, and in turn I know I could tell him anything and we could discuss it, or act upon it, without fear or condemnation. It's so liberating, and it really does make me feel powerful and vixen-ish.

I think my recently discovered sensuality must give off some kind of vibe. I find myself attracting far more attention these days than I ever have in my life. I can feel men's eyes on me when we go out. Not every man in the room, of course not, but now and then I can just tell. I check over my shoulder and some man will be looking at me in a primal sort of way that says, "I would love to drag you back to my man cave...ugg ugg" and it's flattering. It's a totally new sensation for me.

BLT seems to notice it. At a holiday party we were at he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "every man here is wondering how I got so look amazing tonight baby." That little bit of validation was intoxicating. We managed to make it a whole half hour longer at the party before we raced home to be alone. It's ridiculous how crazy in love I am with that man....and the fact that I can't even compare this need I have for him to the old cliche' "like a horny teenager" because I never, in all my previous years, felt a desire or a need like this one. And the sexual curiosity and enthusiasm of youth is so're just horny, plain and simple. No, this is a specific and very direct need that only one person call fulfill.

It scares me how much I want him. How much I feel like I need him. I've never needed anyone before, not like this. This relationship has had so many firsts for me, this being a very lovely one. Even if we never were able to be together for the long run, I can't regret what he's taught me about myself. What we've discovered together, and who I am now because of it.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Things I learned this week

Just some little kernels of knowledge to pass on....

1. Do not ever, EVER, try to run four miles in a thong. Just don't.

2. Grown women should not wear any of the following: Betty Boop apparel, sparkly red "Dorothy" shoes, over sized hair bows, bedazzled blazers, or pants with appliqued pink flamingos on them. Yes, I saw all of these in the past week or so...and yes, each one was horrifying. I repeat, Just Don't Do It.

3. Big girls excel at Roller Derby. Hip-Check anyone?

4. I am not a nice person when you take away my sugar. I hope my children and co-workers survive the 2 week low carb/low sugar diet I'm on to kick start my metabolism and try to shed some of this last 10 lbs. If nobody hears from me for a few days I'm sure someone bonked me on the head and stuffed me in the trunk of my car.

5. Don't borrow a 10 year olds iPod to use when you run unless you really love hearing every Hannah Montana song ever recorded, and few renditions of those songs by the Chipmunks just for good measure. This technique will however increase your run speed since you desperately want to get home and make it stop!!

6. Sometimes when you ask for help you actually get it. Who knew?!

7. Yes, one person may have the power to royally fuck up your life....but another person, with three little words, "I love you", can make it all feel right again.

8. Sometimes children see a situation so clearly, and accept it as such in an uncomplicated way. Things we adults have to muck up and complicate with ulterior motives, second guesses, and our own personal baggage. I want to be more like my children sometimes.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

When you can't do a thing to help... that sucks....

I'm running into this situation a lot lately. Someone I love will be in pain, or have some kind of need and I am totally, 100% unable to do a damn thing to help.

Lady Bug, the third of my four kids is hurting so very much. She's desperate for word from her father, but with the no contact order in place she won't be hearing from him for awhile. I know she's sad, I know she's missing him (God only knows why) and I would ease her pain if I could. But that's not within my power at the moment.

My bestest buddy and right hand girl Ethel and her hubs Fred are having marital issues, as well as very serious financial issues. Once again, I am powerless to offer anything of value to ease their struggles. If I had the money I would give it to them in a heart beat, but I am just barely able to keep clothes on my kids backs and food in their bellies. Were it not for the financial support I get from my family when they can I would be in trouble of my own. Ethel and Fred's car was repo'ed this morning... an embarrassing and sobering result of some poor financial decisions/layoffs etc. and sadly I can do Nada, zip, zilch to ease their struggles.

My BLT lost a good friend, and his rental all in the same month. He's recovering from the loss of his friend - but I really wish I had been there when he needed me. Another casualty of the long distance relationship. He's having trouble finding a place he can afford to rent on his own, it's VERY expensive where he lives. What I wish he would say is, "oh hell with it, I've packed my truck Doll and I'm headed north... let's make this happen!" But it's not going to work out that way, I know that.... and I can't be there once again to help him pack, or move, or just for moral support.

All in all I feel like a little bit of a failure in the mother, friend, lover department these days. I'm just not good for much other than a hug and an open ear to vent to.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I was Ninja Kissed!

Seriously...kinda out of the blue a guy laid one on me. He was pretty cute, but WAY too young, as in "once I'm done playing with your nice young manly bits I'll tuck you in and read you a bed time story before I turn on the night light" kinda young.

Okay not THAT young...but at least 10 years younger than I am... I would estimate no more than about 23.

I went to the Roller Derby on Saturday. I know, I know, what great story doesn't start with the sentence, "so I'm at the roller derby..."? Anyway, there I am rooting for the Throttle Rockets, hehehe, and a group of three young guys asks if the seats next to me are available. My group shifts down and they sit.

They were fun, and the couple behind me from Australia was hysterical, and we're all drinking beer and having a good time. We decide to take some group photos and BAM, the before mentioned young cutie turns and plants one on me - tongue and all.

Shocked the shit out of me!

Then the funny stuff went down, lol. He looks at my left hand

Cutie: "I see you're not married"
Me: "most definitely NOT"
Cutie: "ahhh divorced...nice..."

At this point I decide to play with the poor dear just a bit... I know it's not nice....

Me: "my X is in jail for trying to shoot me in the head"
Cutie: "shit...when does he get out?"
Me: "next year".
Cutie: "oh, plenty of time for fun then!"
Me: "I suppose there could be"

At this point Cutie is looking at the pictures on my camera to see if they got one when he was planting the lip lock on me. He sees a photo of my kids.

Cutie: "you have KIDS?" (he eyes me up and down)
Me: "yep, I have four of them"
Cutie: " (GULP) guess we're done kissin' then..."
Me: "yes we are"

LMAO!!! a little bit later he scootched back over by me and said, "hey I would totally have asked you for your number, cause you're HOT, but uh... four, I mean that's a lot of kids... "

I thanked him for the compliment and let him know the cute blond one row down and four seats over had been eyeing him all night, she was a much better bet. LOL....

About forty five minutes later Cutie was kicked out of the arena for being too loud and swearing (I'm not sure how that's possible at the Roller Derby of all places) and as he was leaving he's swearing a blue streak, removing his shirt, and waving it around like a total moron.

This is why I have an age requirement for all my playmates... lol... I prefer them a bit older and wiser thank you. I'm not interested in training, and even less so in mothering them, yuck.

That was absolutely a first for me. I have never had some unknown guy Ninja Kiss me out of the blue! I guess it does a girls ego good and all, but that poor kid had no chance in hell from the get go. My sweet, sexy BLT is all the MAN I need, and he's more than worth the wait. Sorry Cutie...better luck next time!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Perfect Timing

In so many little ways BLT and I are in perfect sync with each other. The only other person I have that with is Ethel. These two important people in my life seem to have this 6th sense when it comes to me.

They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.

Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.

Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.

All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.

I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."

Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.

Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Distance and Acceptance

There had been this odd sort of emotional distance between BLT and I the past week. There's has also been distance with the girls since Easter Sunday, both with me, and with each other. It's been tense in the L.O.M household.

BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.

BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.

I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.

We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.

I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".

Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.

The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.

For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Cutting Ties

When do you say enough is enough and sever ties with members of your X's family? I don't want to do this, but it may become necessary for the emotional well being of my children.

My X's mother is an enabler to say the least. He's the way he is because, in part, of the way she lives and breaths to do for him. Cooking and cleaning and being a virtual slave to him as a child.... and as an adult she would still buy his clothes, pay his bills, and excuse his bad behavior. She never has, and never will, expect him to take responsibility for his actions.

I've given her fair warning that I do not want her discussing the children's' father with them. Do not tell them what it's like for him in prison. Do not discuss his struggles, or anything else that will hurt or confuse them. They are so shell shocked from all of this. At least two of them miss him - Lady Bug especially. They are scared for him. Not a single day goes by that they don't think about where he his, his actions that got him there...not a single day. I would bet my life on it.

Today, Easter Sunday of all days, she tells the children that their father called and was crying because he misses them so much. That he's scared and sad, etc. etc. They do not need to hear that. They are confused, feeling anger and then guilt at the same time.

Lady bug retreated to the back of the house, hid away, refused to eat, refused to interact and was in a very blue mood after that. I can't have them upsetting her like that. It's not fair. It's not kind, and it's very avoidable.

It's not like we can pretend it didn't happen... but we don't have to remind them. We can focus on the positive. We can avoid hurting them, by avoiding the topic whenever possible. I don't want this to be the focus of their lives for the next year. Let's discuss school, friends, hobbies, movies they've seen, the books they are reading, plans for summer vacation, favorite foods... ANYTHING but their father in prison.

I gave my former Father in Law a final warning. I will not allow them to put my children through this again. I'm willing to give second chances - but at some point I'll have to say that it is in my children's best interest not to spend time with their paternal grandparents.

I don't want to do that. They love their grandma and poppa very deeply - and they've lost so much. Home, school, friends, stability, father, full time stay at home mother, belongings and material possessions. I don't want to start taking away their extended family. But I truly believe it's my job as their mother to protect them.

I'm really torn on this one. There is only so much forgiveness I can dish out.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The voice inside my head...

We all have one at some point in our lives. That nagging annoying little voice of doubt. The one that says, "you aren't worth it." "You aren't pretty enough." "He doesn't really want you, he got smart and moved on."

The BLT is going through a lot right now. Moving to a new place 45 minutes from his current house, his good friend dieing suddenly and the following memorial services / plans, his daughter, our relationship... just a lot to deal with emotionally. He's been a little distant this week, uncommunicative. He's not responding to texts with anything more than a short one line response. I asked him to call me... nothing yet today. I poured out my heart in a very long email and he didn't write back. He called me later that night and basically said; "I feel the same way you do, I hear what you're saying and I want all the same things. But I need patience from you so that I can get things moving on this end. That will take time."

I have to accept that this is not a fundamental problem with me. It's not that he doesn't love me anymore. He had a funeral today, he has friends over and I'm sure they are consoling each other in their time of grief. I wish I was there, I wish I had the ability to be the one he leaned on and talked to today. But I can't be there. For all I know he went and got piss faced drunk with all his buddies after the service and they are busy crying in their beer... I mean, to be honest, that's exactly what I would do.

So there is this part of me, the rational part, that understands his lack of communication this week is not about me, not about our relationship, not about his love for me.

Then the voice chimes in, "Oh ya... so why did he get so distant the day after he left here? I bet he didn't really like your kids or your family. I bet he decided you are SO not worth moving two states away to be with. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you that he hates your tiny, crappy duplex, and the rain, and hasta la vista baby."

It's tragically bad timing, that his friend died right before he came out to see me. That he has all this heavy emotional crap running amok in his life right now, and that all this shit happens right after we have these deep talks and I introduce him to my family. It's not me... it's not us... it's him processing his grief and the changes he's going through.

So why can't the rational part of my brain beat the shit out of that snarky little voice and shut it up?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

On the topic of forgiveness

While reading my favorite blogs today I came across this post by T: The Quest for T: Reconciliation Day

It really got me thinking about the players in the little soap opera that has become my life. So many people have been effected. So many lives changed forever. There are several people I'm going to have to forgive, and come to terms with their decisions - starting with myself.

So here it is... I forgive myself. I accept that I made mistakes, that I wasn't honest - with myself or others. I take responsibility for getting involved with another man before my marriage was over. I admit that I knew my marriage was over years before I was brave enough to do something about it. I accept the disappointment I see in my parents' eyes and I forgive myself.

Now, the forgiveness of others is going to take some time. In no particular order I will work on forgiving:

My Former Mother In Law: For paying for his divorce lawyer. For paying for the X's defense lawyer. For being manipulative and emotionally needy. For putting her son before her grandchildren. For discussing the personal aspects of my divorce and my sexuality with other people. For invading my privacy.

My Former Father In Law: For being a rampant gossip, and for trying to share intimate details of my life with my parents of all people. For telling me that I needed to invest in a Nun Habit and a vibrator because no man will ever want me once he finds out I'm a single mom with four kids.

Good Time Friends: For disappearing when the going got tough. For saying they cared and wouldn't pick sides, and in lieu of taking sides they just drifted off onto the ether.

Convenient Christians: For pretending to care about my kids. For telling me that my marriage could be fixed if I prayed hard enough...and then once they heard about the gun "incident" having the balls to tell me to pray for the X's soul. Both the good time friends and convenient Christians who were nowhere to be found when my kids and I found ourselves essentially homeless.

The Land Lady: For being cold hearted and kicking us out when she knew what happened and that I couldn't pay the rent without child support. She gave me two weeks to move all my stuff out, and then kept the entire damage deposit even though I had only lived there 30 days.

Last, but most certainly not least...

X: For being a useless father, a crappy lover, a selfish and lazy husband. For tell all our personal business to anyone who would listen, friends, coworkers, neighbors, the Schwan's guy for craps sake. For cyber stalking, being a liar and a general nutcase. For being a control freak. For bringing a gun to my house, pointing it at my head and saying four horrifying words, "This Won't Take Long" For calling me a whore in front of our daughters. For telling our two impressionable pre-teens exactly how they should go about killing themselves if he didn't come home.

All of these people I think I can forgive with time.... with the exception of the X. I'm not sure his sins are forgivable. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to forgive him. The anger keeps me motivated, it keeps me focused, it gives me an outlet for my anger. I'm not ready to give that up yet... I'm not sure if I can.