Inspired by several posts over the past few weeks from some of my favorite bloggers, like this one from Canadian Bald Guy I'd like to take a moment to work out some stuff in my head in regards to my own, burgeoning sexuality. Feel free to hide your eyes or simply stop reading if you have no desire to know about my sex life... ya I'm talking to you Ethel. You won't hurt my feelings if this makes you uncomfortable.
For the first time in my life I feel sexy. I feel desired, I feel powerful in bed. I know that my BLT wants me. ME. And not because I'm there, or I'm convenient... because I'm not. I'm nearly 1000 miles away - and yet I know, deep down that I'm the only one that makes him feel like he does when we're together.
You can't fake that. When he looked in my eyes while we were making love and told me that it hadn't ever been this intense with anyone else, and I understood because I felt exactly the same way, it was intoxicating. Sex with BLT is always intense. From the very first time we were together it's been a whole new experience for me.
Sex with my X was at best, nice. It was comfortable, it was convenient. I shrugged off my lack of desire or my inability (frequently) to have an orgasm and chalked it up to motherhood, or hormones, or stress. All of which are a factor I'm sure. But what I realize now, is that I had no desire for my X, and I did not feel desired as a woman in return. I got married because I was in love with the idea of family and home and permanence. I moved around a lot and had a chaotic, non-traditional family life when I was growing up. At 19 I craved comfort, children, roots. Which is all great...if you choose the right person to plant down those roots with. I did not. I married the first guy I really dated, because he was in love with me. I thought that was enough.
I was horribly wrong.
At the age of 35 I'm finally growing into my sexuality. I'm discovering what I want, what I need, what my boundaries are - and I feel so safe and so desired with BLT that I'm willing to push those boundaries and see where it takes us. In other words, I'm having the most stunning, open, exciting, intense sex of my life.
I hate to keep comparing - but those are the frames of reference I have to draw from right now. When I would try and tell my X what I wanted or needed I was shot down, or ignored. Even after 15+ years together I didn't feel like I could talk openly about my desires with him. There was a level of embarrassment that just shouldn't be there between lovers, much less between a couple married for 10+ years. I realize now that we were not compatible in a lot of ways. I need that heat, the intensity, aggression and power and fire. My X preferred things slow, comfortable. He liked to do the exact same things in the exact same order...like a recipe for banana bread or something. He also needed CONSTANT ego stroking. He wasn't a confidant man, and no matter how many times I told him to take what he wanted, he was the kind that would rather whine about not getting enough sex. I told him flat out once, "I have four kids...I'm not going to be your mommy in the bedroom. Man up and be a little more aggressive please." He wasn't interested.
I become totally uninterested in pretending any more at that point. Shortly after that we started sleeping in separate rooms, or I came to bed hours after I knew he was asleep.
With BLT on the other hand everything he does turns me on. The way he'll run his hand down my back. The way he looks at me, like he wants to eat me alive. His smell, his taste, his lips. The deep, husky sound of his voice when he calls me sleepy, and I know exactly where the call will lead... god I live for those calls between our weekends together. Maybe it's the long distance, infrequent sex thing. Maybe it's the chemistry. Maybe it's both.
I think one of the things that is so incredible about my relationship with BLT is that we're so open. I feel no shame, nor any embarrassment when we talk about what we want when we make love. He is so straight forward with me, and in turn I know I could tell him anything and we could discuss it, or act upon it, without fear or condemnation. It's so liberating, and it really does make me feel powerful and vixen-ish.
I think my recently discovered sensuality must give off some kind of vibe. I find myself attracting far more attention these days than I ever have in my life. I can feel men's eyes on me when we go out. Not every man in the room, of course not, but now and then I can just tell. I check over my shoulder and some man will be looking at me in a primal sort of way that says, "I would love to drag you back to my man cave...ugg ugg" and it's flattering. It's a totally new sensation for me.
BLT seems to notice it. At a holiday party we were at he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "every man here is wondering how I got so lucky...you look amazing tonight baby." That little bit of validation was intoxicating. We managed to make it a whole half hour longer at the party before we raced home to be alone. It's ridiculous how crazy in love I am with that man....and the fact that I can't even compare this need I have for him to the old cliche' "like a horny teenager" because I never, in all my previous years, felt a desire or a need like this one. And the sexual curiosity and enthusiasm of youth is so generic....you're just horny, plain and simple. No, this is a specific and very direct need that only one person call fulfill.
It scares me how much I want him. How much I feel like I need him. I've never needed anyone before, not like this. This relationship has had so many firsts for me, this being a very lovely one. Even if we never were able to be together for the long run, I can't regret what he's taught me about myself. What we've discovered together, and who I am now because of it.