Keeping a secret is hard.

I finally told BLT about the surprise bachelor party I arranged for him.  It's a month earlier than I anticipated telling him - but it was still a great surprise.

One evening last week I was obsessing about the friend in the previous post who isn't coming to my bridal shower because she can't rock the boat at home.  BLT's take on it is that yes, it's upsetting, but in all honesty I should be really happy that I have friends willing to throw me a shower at all.  He said, not unkindly or with spite, "Hey doll, I'm not even having a bachelor party. All my friends are two states away, and I'm not pissed about it." And I could tell he wasn't mad, but there was a little wistful quality of regret in his voice.

It was REALLY hard not to spill the beans right there and tell him.  But I smiled sympathetically and nodded and we moved on with the conversation. I have been keeping this secret since December or January when I first decided I wanted to try and work out a surprise bachelor party for him.  I purchased his plane tickets back in January, and I got the ball rolling by contacting friends and his dad and putting the party planning in their hands.

I talked to my mom later that week and she recommended I finally tell BLT about his party.  She had several good points. 1. This way BLT can contact Fraggle's grandparents and arrange a visit while he's down there.  2. He can get his paycheck early and have spending money. 3. He can be a part of the planning to make sure that anyone I don't know, who is important to him, can attend.  and last but not least, I don't take the chance of someone else spoiling the surprise before I can tell him. 

So the other day at work I called him over and gave him the printed itinerary.  I fessed up about all my scheming and the plans I know of that are in the works.  He was very surprised.  It was awesome if I do say so myself.

Whewww... I'm glad it's out in the open now! I know his buddies are going to take care of him! I told them all I don't want any details.  It was my job to get him down there, and it's their job to make sure he comes home hung over!  Heh...  All I told BLT was that there was one rule; Don't bring home anything you plan on having for the rest of your life...  he laughed at me, but he's knows exactly what I'm saying!

His Reasoning

BLT was getting ready to head out of town.  There's a huge racing industry show in Florida we attend each year, and we've been invited to participate in a televised commercial segment of the show.  This is an amazing opportunity for our growing little company. 

BLT was given the OK by the boss lady to purchase a new pair of shoes, some slacks, and get a hair cut on the company card.  He went out on Tuesday and got himself all cleaned up.  Wheww boy, does that man shine when he's all spit and polished.  I asked him how come he got all sexy right before he was leaving me for a week.

His Oh So Male answer was, "So you'll be horny and rub your boobs all over me when I get back!"  Well... okay...  you smooth talker....

Cause I'm cool like that

Groupon had a deal for beer tasting.  BLT and I really don't indulge in too many date nights or extras in regards to entertainment - not with five kids to support!  So I knew that this would be right up his alley.

I decided to go for it since it's only 15.00.

For our next date night we'll be going to a local brewery where we will each get to sample five different beers, share an order of pomme fritte or nachos, take home two "collector" pilsner glasses and a 22 oz custom brewed bottle of their ale.

Now I'll be honest, I don't like too many types of beer.  I really enjoy a nice light beer with a citrus kick to it - like Blue Moon.  Otherwise I'm not a huge fan.  BLT on the other hand digs himself a good beer... dark, amber, pale, import...  he appreciates them all. So I knew he would really love this.  I figure he can drink the samples I don't like and and I'll drive home!  Win-Win!

Cause that's the cool kinda Fiance' that I am!  Date night baby... bring it on!

Do you see what I see?

I think it's funny that BLT doesn't realize how yummy he is.  I tell him all the time and he always says, "thank God you think so baby" with a little chuckle.

I mean really?  He doesn't know?  Or maybe he's just being modest?  Everything about him turns me on. From the way he looks to the timber of his voice.  Our conversation, his sense of humor, oh, and that tasty tat on his bicept *swoon*. 

I just dig him...

It's the little things

I think it's the little things that make up a good relationship.  My X was good at grand gestures.  Over the top displays of expensive gifts or trips... or whatever was easy and impressive.  He excelled at looking generous while actually exerting no forethought and very little work. 

But when it came to the day to day things he was a wreck.  He didn't seem to understand that I didn't want a new diamond bracelet - I wanted someone to help me with our four kids.  I didn't need a new, bigger house.  I needed respect. 

BLT on the other hand is all about the little things.  It's just in his nature.  He is considerate.  He is hard working.  He listens.  It's the way he always places his hand on the small of my back when we're out together... it's comforting.  It's the way he carries all my stuff out to the car for me in the morning, or scrapes the frost off my windows before he leaves for work.  It's that he knows what my favorite band is, or what movie I will like on TV.  He gets me... he knows my moods. 

Life is made up of millions of little moments, and all those little things add up to so much more than an occasional lavish gift with no forethought put into it.  It's a sweet kiss goodnight, or a warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning.  It's reading different books and telling each other all about them.  It having someone to hold you at night and listening to their heart beat as you fall asleep.  It's about laughing and joking, and staying up all night talking about your future.  It's about the way he'll order dessert and split it with you just because he knows you want some and don't want to feel guilty about it.

I could live the whole rest of my life without another piece of fancy jewelry, or a luxury vacation.... but I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to a life without BLT.  My life is so much better with him in it.

She called him Daddy

BLT tucked the little ones in tonight, and TNT looked up at him with half closed eyes, and in a shy sleepy voice she said, "I love you... night night daddy..."

BLT looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. 

I think she was testing it out to see how it felt.  Several days ago she asked me what she should call BLT now that we were going to be getting married, and I told her that she should call him whatever feels right.  I told her to continue to call him BLT if she wants to, that there are no rules about this type of thing.

I think it's sweet, and I know BLT liked it. I have no idea if she'll will continue to call him daddy, or dad... or just go back to BLT.  It will be interesting to see what she decides.

Happiness, Take II

This weekend will be BLT and my second anniversary. 

Wow - two years and he's still here?  I jokingly asked him if he realized I had FOUR kids... that none of them really belonged to the neighbors even if they did spend half their time over there! He said he was aware... so what can I do? The damn fool, LOL!

I think my oldest, Chef, summed it up well.  Chef and I went for a walk last week and during a semi serious conversation where Chef asked me why I had stayed married to the X for so many years when he wasn't nice to us (wow, was that a hard one to put into words... sometimes I don't know myself.  That was a pretty deep, honest conversation to have with your teenager)  Shortly after that conversation Chef said, "BLT must REALLY love you mom, cause uh.. well we're just a lot."  lol... Chef didn't elaborate on what we (the four kids and I) were a lot of.  I think it's just that we're a lot of everything in general!  LOL... a lot of noise, expense, emotions and work.  We're a lot of energy and on occasion having so many females in one house means we are a lot of drama.  Yep we're "a lot" to be sure.

So here we are... two years after starting our relationship, over seven years as friends.  I can't think of anywhere else I would want to be, or anyone else I would want to be with.  I'm very lucky to have a second chance at happiness.

Lovers, Liars and Lawyers

Well I've been a busy girl...

As you read in my previous post my Mother's day pretty much sucked ass.  There's no other way to put it.  My kids were...well they were kids. They don't have their own money, they don't drive, and nobody was around to remind them it was Mother's Day.  BLT didn't mean any disrespect, and once he realized my feelings were hurt he felt like a jerk.  He told me that he remembered his mother, and even my mother- but he's never had a girlfriend who was a mother.  He said, "I'm an ass, I didn't even think about you that way and I dropped the ball." Being gone three days prior to Mother's day on a business trip didn't help any.

He offered to take me to dinner and a movie - and I'll cash in when we get paid again in another week.  So in the end no harm, no foul...I'll survive.  Plus he felt so bad we had the most amazing make up sex EVAH! Whoo hoo, I'm talkin' bone melting hot.  Dang that man of mine can turn on the tasty charm when he's motivated!

A couple days later I had an unpleasant surprise.  I was served papers by my X's scummy lawyer. He's hauling me into court demanding shared custody and get this... he wants child support FROM ME!!!  Oh ya, someone is smokin' crack in that camp.  It is a 33 page motion full of lies, excuses, and bullshit.  There is no other way to put it.  Ethel read it all and I swear she nearly gagged on some of the crap he was shoveling.  It's pathetic.

There were ridiculous stipulations about me being cooperative in his efforts to get the kids passports (uhhh... NO you are not taking my kids out of the country Capt. Crazy Pants!) and about me giving up the rights provided in my Restraining Order and providing him with my home address and phone numbers so that he could have access to the kids.  Again I said, "hell to the no...but thanks!"

I was especially fond of the two pages of rambling poor me story line that detailed how he was a victim, and since his release he's bonded with his grandfather over the death of his grandmother, and how their mutual grief and loss of beloved spouses resonates within his soul.  I would like to mention that his grandparents dislike him greatly and I've been assured by my former Father In Law that this is still the case.

So anyway, it's back to court we go.  He - with a box of tissues and a barrel of lies.  Me, armed with 911 tapes, police reports, declarations by family members, friends, therapists, and medical records.  I feel secure in my position that he won't get what he wants.  But I don't have the money to fight the good fight for long so I really hope he doesn't drag this out.  Of that I have no faith at all. 

I do worry about the uber liberal retards in the family court system though.  This state has this moronic statute that basically says that parents have a right be a part of their kids lives as long as there is only a minimal amount of harm caused.  You know, it's okay to mess up your kids... just a little...  as long as it salvages a bad parents rights.  We wouldn't want to trample on that drug dealing, meth head, hooker mom's right to influence her young children now would we?  Or in my X's case - we wouldn't want to get in the way of an irresponsible, absent, half crazy, abusive gun toting a-hole's attempts to emotionally manipulate his children in order to punish his ex-wife would we?  *sigh*

I'm going to have to just admit that I don't have control here. I can prepare the best I can.  I can arm myself with facts and depositions.  I can even bring in specialists and doctors.  But in the end it will be up the judge and I have to have faith that the judge is not going to put my kids lives in danger.  I have to have faith in that or I'll never make it through all this without loosing my mind.

I know you hear me... but are you listening?

Sometimes I think listening is a lost art form.  I know people hear me, but it seems that they only hear a part of what I'm saying.  Or they assume facts that I've never shared or said.  Or they plain old ignore what I've said.  Mostly these days it's my kids... and lets be honest that's what kids, especially teens, do.  I get that.  It doesn't make it any less annoying though.

BLT and I run into this.  He's not trying to be malicious.  I know this, but it's one of those annoying communication issues between men and women.  In an attempt to be supportive, and because he loves me, he says things like, "I think you're perfect just the way you are."  He doesn't hear ME and absorb what I'm feeling when I say, "I'm unhappy with the the way that I am.  I want to be healthier.  I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy."   His answer is always, "You are sexy"  but it's not about how he perceives me.  It's about how I feel in my own skin.  It's how I feel when were intimate. It's the image I see in the mirror each day.

I've run into this a LOT with my former in-laws.  They assume things I haven't said.  They don't hear the kids and I when we say that we don't want my X in our lives.  They don't hear me when I say that the kids and I are finally happy, that we truly are at home here in this small town, loving our house and the family we've turned into with BLT.  They hear what they want. They focus on the minutia and miss the big picture. 

Maybe that's just communication in general?  Maybe I'm expecting too much?  Maybe I'm not being clear? George Bernard Shaw once said that the biggest problem with communication was the impression that it has it taken place.  I think he's onto something there.

Feeling Vulnerable

I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him.  If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.

I dislike this feeling.  Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days.  I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about." 

HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it.  It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep.  What if he fell in love with someone else?  What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip?  What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?

Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources.  I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night.  I was physically and emotionally damaged.  If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car. 

The idea of being back in that place is very scary.  I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT.  I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future.  I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever.  I just feel like I need some kind of  insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps.  I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.

Mostly I think I need time.  Time to finish healing.  Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail.  Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.

I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up.  Either one would work okay for me.

A Real Man...

A real man will hold your hand in public, even if you're not looking your best.

A real man will help you clean vomit off the floor when your kids get sick - even when they aren't his kids.

A real man knows how to laugh at himself.

A real man pushes you to do things that scare you when he knows its in your best interest.

A real man will help comfort a small child who just found out their grandmother died.

I will NEVER take my man for granted.  Today he held my hand.  Today he laughed at himself.  Today he held my baby and dried her tears when she found out her Great Grandmother passed away. 

Today I fell in love with him all over again.

Love Is...

Love is finding that special person who thinks your quirks are endearing instead of irritating as hell.

I found him...

He loves the matching bra and panties.  He appreciates the order of my closets.  He laughs about my food issues. He tells me my shoes are sexy. He loads the dishwasher the way I like.  He smiles and looks the other way when I refold the towels, and he ALWAYS closes the closet door for me now without me having to ask. 

How does he know?

I'm not sure how BLT knows, without me telling him, what I need.  I am a complicated female and yet in some ways I'm not. I don't understand how to play games so I don't bother trying.  I don't want to expend the energy to lie, so I refuse to do so.  I tend to ask for exactly what I want, and I abhor passive aggressiveness.

Most of the time I'm not a "make love to me gently" kind of girl.  I need a certain level of intensity, roughness, and aggression to get off.  I refuse to be your mommy in bed.  If you can't figure it out then I have no time for you.  Does that make me a bitch?  I sincerely hope not, I'm just not interested in participating in a training seminar when I'm desperately striving for a bone melting orgasm (or three).

That being said, after BLT has been out of town (he's been in TN on business for four days and is finally home!)  I need that reconnection.  I need to be held close. I want to take my time, and be made love to.  Somehow he just knew.  I've never said these words out loud - and yet he gives me exactly what I need.  He says the right words.  He takes his time showing me exactly how he feels about me.  Words, touches, sighs, kisses...  perfection. Damn I missed that man.

Nobody else gets me like that.  I've never asked him... but I sincerely hope that I do the same for him.  I try to read his moods, and his body language.  I try to listen to all the things he's telling me with his actions and his words both.  Maybe that's all it is?  Maybe the key is to develop the ability to listen to what the other person is telling us even if they aren't speaking? 

Love Is...

Coming outside on an icy, frosty cold morning and finding your car windows already scraped clear for you....

I'll keep him!

The way he smells

It's uniquely him. 

It's woodsy, clean and subtle.

It makes me want to bury my nose in the crook of his neck.  To breath him in and taste the skin under his ear.

It lingers in the room when he leaves.

It stays on his pillow - which I sleep on when he's gone.

It stays on his shirts - which I wear when he's gone.

It lingers on my skin after we make love.  The smell of us together is the strongest aphrodisiac I've ever encountered.

Like a bee to honey...it draws me in and makes me hot and impatient.

Rethinking his Christmas Gift

I'm seriously rethinking one of the gifts I got for BLT.  I bought him a ring.  When I saw it my only thought was that it looks very much like the watch he picked out for himself.  It's made of Tungsten, which is supposed to be harder and more scratch resistant than Silver or Titanium even, so he can wear it at work. It has a center ring of black carbon that looks so cool.  It's very masculine and fashionable.

I just thought it was a really attractive piece of men's jewelry that he could wear on his off hand and it would look great with his watch....   but I don't want him thinking it means something other than that, or that it's some kind of passive aggressive non-verbal expectation for him to buy me a similar type of gift.

Honestly, I have gift "issues" related to my disastrous previous holidays and birthdays with my ex husband.  I have all this anxiety about whether or not he'll like it, or if there are expectations about how much we should have or shouldn't have spent?  What if I spent way more than he did, or vice-versa, and the other person feels awkward afterwards?

In my past, gifts were tools of manipulation. Used to "buy" desired behaviors or withheld to punish.  There were expectations and strings attached to EVERYTHING.  He would give me a trip to Vegas with my best friend but then for months afterward would tell me I was a selfish person and a horrible mother for going.  He would give me a gift certificate to a salon and then complain about having to watch the children so that I could use it, so it would sit useless until it expired. Then there was the banner year that he gave me a bathroom scale for Christmas... I had just had a baby in November...

Mostly we just didn't exchange gifts.  We had gotten to the point in our marriage that we bought things for the children and then just bought something for the house that everyone could use - like a TV or a Wii or something like that.  It was just easier that way and less stressful.

But now, BLT and I are starting our own traditions, and we're celebrating holidays doing things our own way.  This means I don't know what to expect. I don't know what his expectations are...  I don't want to either disappoint him or make him uncomfortable either.  UGH... I hate this... 

So I've pulled the ring out from under the tree... I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not.  I just don't know what to do.

He RAN to the store

BLT went to the store for lunch, and before he went he asked me if there was anything I wanted.  My reply was the standard, "just a Diet Coke please".

BLT took his car and went to the market and got his lunch. When he got home he said it was pouring outside and the roads were very slick and dangerous.

After about half an hour I asked about my soda.  He looks horrified. He had forgotten.

I told him it wasn't a big deal.  I put it out of my mind.

10 minutes later he comes over to my work station SOAKING wet, teeth chattering.  He had run, physically run, the 3 blocks and back in the pouring rain to get me a Diet Coke from the little market down the road from our office.

It was dangerous to drive, so he ran to the store for me.  When I asked him why he would do such a thing all he said was, "you ask very little from anyone but you go out of your way for everyone."

That may be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I thought we already dealt with this issue...

The past three days my TNT has had a REALLY hard time at the day care center. Her teacher said she was weepy, and anti-social. TNT is normally very social, but the past few days she has refused to participate and spent the whole time (two days in a row) crying and hiding. Then Monkey Pants, being protective of her sister, got into the act too.

I sat TNT down tonight for a long talk to get to the bottom of this behavior. It turns out that TNT and Monkey Pants decided that BLT left and would never come back. She said, "BLT left and HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!" Monkey pants said, "I miss his hugs, I'm sad."

You see, when my X lost his mind and brought that gun to my house he first tucked the kids into bed at his house, and then he never came back. He was arrested after a six hour stand off with the police, and they haven't heard from or seen him since - as he is now a guest of the state.

In their world, when someone leaves while you're asleep they just don't come back. BLT had to leave for the airport at 4:00 am, so they woke up to his absence. Instead of talking to me about it TNT got sad and then defiant. I didn't put the two together instantly because we spent months working on their separation issues. It took a long time to convince them that I would ALWAYS come back, no matter what. I thought we had worked through those fears, but apparently there are still some lingering doubts in their mind, or some fear of being abandoned.

BLT called tonight, and after I described her behavior, and what she said to me he asked to talk to both of them - he assured them that he was coming home. He told them that he missed them. It was like all the sadness just disappeared in an instant. Tonight they are painting pictures and so much more settled and content.

Apparently I'm not the only one missing him.

I miss him

BLT has been gone two days now on a business trip. He will not be returning until Sunday. As silly as it sounds, I miss him terribly. I feel like a little part of myself is missing.

For the entire length of my marriage I carried the burden of the house, the kids, the bills, the auto maintenance, the pets, the yard work, and the misc. familial obligations like birthday parties and sending holiday cards. Eventually I couldn't carry that burden any longer. I vowed I wouldn't put myself in that position ever again.

It's been seven months since BLT moved in with the kids and I. Since that very first moment life has been better. Days don't feel as long, and troubles don't weigh as heavy on my mind. He helps me with kids, he cleans up the house without any nagging on my part - simply because he notices that something needs to be done. He is considerate, he is pro-active, shoot he's an actual, self sufficient grown up!

I know I'm strong enough to do this whole parenting thing on my own - but I've come to realize that I just don't want to. Especially not since I've gotten a taste of how good life can be when you have a partner beside you who supports you in all the right ways.

Hurry home baby!

Happy Birthday to Moi

Today is my birthday. I spent it getting my depo shot (a good thing), getting the day off work (no power, so a good and a bad thing), getting my shoulder looked at (painful, but good), and getting my tetanus and flu shots (bad, but for a good cause)

When I came home my children had cleaned the house.. LOVE IT. BLT had made...what else, BLT sandwiches for dinner. Chef made my favorite dark chocolate cup cakes with cream cheese frosting.

BLT also had a picture to show me. It's my gift - which won't arrive for another few days due to bad weather in my area. It's an adorable Pink and White vintage style Schwinn bicycle. He is also going to let me pick out my favorite helmet and a basket for the front of my bike. I'll be able to ride the couple of blocks to the market each day, and all around my sweet little town on sunny days :) BLT said he planned on getting the same bike, but in black and red once it's available this spring. Then we can ride around town together - I think that's sweet.

I admit I was surprised by the gift, it's sweet and wonderful and something I've wanted for several years. However I'll be honest, it wasn't what I thought he was going to give me.

He's made a big deal lately about wanting us to get married. He said I would never guess what he planned on giving me, and he made it a point to bring my daughter to help pick it out.... so I thought there might be something round and gold coming my way.

I know it was ridiculous. I know that he loves me. I know that we've only been together for a little over a year and living together for 6 months. And I know that deep down I'm a little disappointed.

It's silly... I'm in no hurry to get remarried. I'm happy with life as it is. But I also know that I love the idea of "forever" with him... someday. So I'm being an idiot, and I can't let on that I'm disappointed. The birthday gift he picked out is very "me" and I love it.

Thank you to all my face book friends for the birthday wishes. It was very sweet and much appreciated!