Thank God I Have a Job!

I'm not only coming from an economical standpoint either.  Of course in this economy most people who have a job are thankful for it...  This is about how much I enjoy coming to work.  I realize that I was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with my four kids for 12 years, but I thank God on a regular basis that I have a job now.  I love the schedule.  I love the responsibility.  I love the security of earning my own pay check.  I love getting to spend time with grown up people.  Working with my family is fun!

The last couple years I was home I used to joke with Ethel that I was going to light my hair on fire and run up and down my road just for something new to do.  Your house can only get so clean...  you can only attend so many PTA functions.   You can only watch so much home decorating television. At least that was the case for me.  I loved the time I could spend with my kids - hell it was even worth being married to that ass of an X I had to dedicate those years to my kids.  And I'll be honest, I really do feel like I was good at it.

I managed a large house hold pretty damn well.  I participated in my kid's schools, and we had a lot of fun! 

However I'll can't see myself ever willingly going back to being a stay at home mom.  Even if BLT and I got married and he earned the kind of money that made it possible.  I don't want to be financially dependant on anyone ever again.  I don't want to give up the social interaction, the mental stimulation, and the pleasant routine that going to work each day provides.

It's a balancing act of course.  Learning to work full time and keep my house up to the standards I'm comfortable with was a learning experience.  But in a good way I think.   Moving to the tiny town we live in certainly has helped.  There aren't a lot of the distractions available to us that some people probably deal with.   We cook our meals at home because it's less expensive, but also because we have extremely limited options near us.  We use Netflix and watch movies together at home, we walk to the library, or the store, or to friends houses because we have that option and we enjoy spending time together.  All that time at home means we make doing chores a routine. 

It's about priorities too.  I want a career AND a nice house to live in, and I feel like I've gotten that for myself. I feel really settled and blessed in that regard.  Life is good.   You can't ask for much more than that!

Okay... I regularly ask for a tree to fall on my X... but other than THAT I have what I need!

I miss him

BLT has been gone two days now on a business trip. He will not be returning until Sunday. As silly as it sounds, I miss him terribly. I feel like a little part of myself is missing.

For the entire length of my marriage I carried the burden of the house, the kids, the bills, the auto maintenance, the pets, the yard work, and the misc. familial obligations like birthday parties and sending holiday cards. Eventually I couldn't carry that burden any longer. I vowed I wouldn't put myself in that position ever again.

It's been seven months since BLT moved in with the kids and I. Since that very first moment life has been better. Days don't feel as long, and troubles don't weigh as heavy on my mind. He helps me with kids, he cleans up the house without any nagging on my part - simply because he notices that something needs to be done. He is considerate, he is pro-active, shoot he's an actual, self sufficient grown up!

I know I'm strong enough to do this whole parenting thing on my own - but I've come to realize that I just don't want to. Especially not since I've gotten a taste of how good life can be when you have a partner beside you who supports you in all the right ways.

Hurry home baby!

Simple Pleasures

A hot shower, home made Sheppard's pie for dinner, a soft kiss on my neck from the man I love, a good book, warm flannel pajamas, and tired muscles from a good workout.

Simple pleasures.

The past couple of weeks have been really emotional. Really hard. I get caught up sometimes in this big ocean of anger, guilt, and stress that I'm swimming in and I lose focus on the small things that give me such pleasure.

I don't want anyone, especially my kids and BLT, to think that I don't recognize or appreciate my blessings. I do, I honestly and truly do. If there is anything the past year has taught me it's that "things' are transitory and unimportant. I had a 400K dollar home. I had new cars, fancy vacations, expensive jewelry - even a housekeeper for awhile. None of it made me happy.

Now I have my little blue cottage, my kids, the love of a good man, and a job I'm proud of. I have the support and love of family and friends and I'm surrounded only by the things that are near and dear to my heart.

Vintage table clothes, a comfy garage sale chair, jeans that fit just right, Chef's chocolate chip cookies. Simple pleasures and someone to share them with. That's all I really need.

Making a house a home...

BLT and I spent the weekend putting wood laminate flooring in TNT and Monkey Pants' bedroom. Last weekend Ethel and I pulled up the carpet and pad. Then I painted the room two different colors.

This weekend it's the wood flooring. Next weekend hopefully it's changing out the ugly light fixtures to something fun, to be followed by handmade curtains for the three windows with some matching bed pillows.

The last job I have for this room is going to require the use of a carpenter/handyman I know. There is no closet in this room and with two, eventually three young ones in that big ol' room a closet is a necessity. Once that's done it's onto one of my many other projects for this little blue cottage.

I can't even explain how nice it was to do a home improvement job with BLT. He was calm, patient, worked with a sense of humor I found refreshing, and best of all he told me when I was nit-picking and being bitchy. I know it sounds weird, but I love that he's secure enough in "us" that he can tell me when I'm out of line and I need to just step back and stop being a bitch.

I know I get stressed when a project doesn't go exactly right...and in a house that is 90 years old there is never going to be anything that goes as planned, lol, I need to just accept that one right now or I'll make myself and everyone else nuts! BLT, in his infinate understanding of what makes me tick kissed me and told me to chill out or he wasn't going to be able to help me finish the job. I needed to hear it. I don't always realize - mid hissy fit - that I'm being unpleasant. It takes someone to lovingly put it into perspective for me, and he does that without any blame or unneccesary critisism.

So... job nearly done. There are some really complicated cuts necessary for the last row since the walls in this old place are not anywhere close to level or square! The handyman I mentioned will come in and finish that last row, as well as instal the moulding - again, lots of odd angles and little nitches so I'm going to have a professional take care of that part to save myself the time, money, and aggrivation of doing it myself.... sometimes you should just know when to cut your losses and call in the professionals - know what I mean?

A girl has to meet her own needs on occasion.

For those of you whose mind resides in the gutter, no, I don't mean getting myself off. Although, let's be honest, sometimes it's just what you need. No fuss, and no egos to stroke. I'm not opposed to pleasuring myself, but if BLT is around I readily admit that I'm a fan of the manly bits and LOVE LOVE LOVE me some good old fashioned man lovin'.

What I mean are my other needs in life. Exercise, a well deserved pat on the back, a delicious meal. I gave myself all three today. I went for a two + mile run, did a weight circuit and walked home. I did a little happy dance and bought myself a new book online as a "yay me" gift. I made a delish Mexican feast and enjoyed every bite! Then I gave myself the gift of not being such a control freak. I walked away and let the kids clean the kitchen.

Will it be perfect? No. Will they forget to do something? Likely. Will I survive? Certainly. I'm trying to give myself a break. I'm trying to accept that with four kids my house doesn't have to be picture perfect.

I've worked hard, exercised hard, ate a great meal, rewarded myself with something I love and left my able children to deal with one of my least favorite responsibilities. It's been a good day. Maybe my need to run, mentioned in yesterday's post, is just me needing to let go of some of my perceived responsibilities?

Maybe I just need to take care of a few of my own basic needs, and let the kids and BLT meet a few more of their own? As much as I want to be Super Woman sometimes, I would much rather be more relaxed, more fun... more the true self I remember being when I was younger and less burdened by the weight of my world.

I'm not sure how successful I'll be, but I'll keep trying. Sometimes I think it's just a part of my nature to be a little controlling. But I'll be honest, I would much rather be happy than in control all the time.

There are days I want to run away from home...

It's not even that anything is particularly wrong. I'm just feeling this amazing pull to RUN. Run away, avoid reality and responsibility. Skip work, pack a bag and just disappear.

I don't want to tell anyone where I'm going, and I don't know where I would go anyway. Just fill up my gas tank and drive until I find someplace with no phone, no television.

No dishes, no sick kids, no dogs to feed, no bills to pay, no laundry, no bill collectors, no X, no ringing telephones.

Someplace warm. Someplace quiet. Someplace I can peel off all my dried up layers and lay raw and exposed to the warm air. Someplace I can just THINK or better yet, STOP THINKING. Stop worrying about money, the kids, the X, BLT, work, my parents, my BFF, my pathetic bank account, my uncolored roots and unmanicured nails.

Someplace I can just cry and not worry that it will upset the kids, or make BLT think there is something wrong. There isn't anything wrong between us.

I won't run... because I'm not a runner. I stuck it out 15 years with a man I didn't love because that's what I do. I stick... I make do. I cope and I tough it out.

And I love my kids. I love my job. I love BLT and my parents and even my semi-retarded dogs. I love the town I live in and the friends whom I'm blessed to have in my life.

But I'll dream, and I wonder, and I'll close my eyes and fight against that need to run. Because as good as running would feel - I know, deep down, that it doesn't hold a candle to making love to BLT late at night. To cooking dinner together and eating as a family outside on the patio with the kids. While it might feel good in the moment, in the long run I would hate myself and I would miss out on so many beautiful moments.

So instead of running away from home I'm running towards it. I know, in time this feeling will pass.

Support... I has it...

In several ways I'm feeling quite supported these days;

1. My parents are going to help me make ends meet since DHSH cut off all my benefits. This is financial support they really can't afford to give, but they're going to tighten their own budget up and between us we'll make it work.

2. My Weight Watchers meeting got canceled as of tonight. Our tiny town doesn't have enough members to make it worth it, so they gave us some bullshit line about needing more support and merging meeting places. The closest meeting to me is now an hour drive each way. My mother didn't blink. She said we will figure it out and that it's more time to spend together! She knows this is important to me so she's willing to make that sacrifice with me.

3. BLT stuck up for my kids big time tonight. Someone from a local church came by the house while we were gone. They hit my kids up for a "donation" and my 2 oldest children, feeling pressured and not knowing what else to do gave them the money they had. The group left a video for the kids to watch about their mission / religion and all that. BLT used the information on the video to contact the church and inform them in no uncertain terms that it is completely inappropriate to take money from 11 and 13 year olds. He told them that they were not welcome near our home again, and if they come back we'll call the police. I mean honestly ... What kind of grown adult takes money from a child?

4. I had a good boob day. I'm normally a "barely B" cup. For one week a month I go up one full cup size and I actually have cleavage! I strap these little apples into one of my A cup bras and BOOM BABY - where's my v-neck sweater?

5. My oldest made dinner for all of us tonight. She did laundry, cleaned up, and ended up making some amazing roasted pork and rice pilaf. She's such a blessing!

My Do Nothing Weekend

I've decided I'm doing nothing productive this weekend. I've spent every single day,even the weekends doing something ever since BLT moved in a couple months ago. We've done housework, yard work, gone into the office, hosted dinners, entertained family. We've babysat nieces, ran a thousand errands, taxied kids to hell and back, and I am completely, and totally exhausted.

I've been running on empty for days - forcing myself out of bed. Moving slow, feeling weak, and desperately in need of some extra sleep and relaxation.

So my yard that needs maintenance can wait.

My laundry can wait.

The removal of wallpaper, and repainting the bathroom can wait.

I'm not running anyone to the mall, the movies, to friends, or to the lake.

I'm not cleaning house, cooking elaborate meals, going out with friends, or going into work.

I'm going to lay here. I'm going to read my favorite blogs and decorating magazines. I'm going to take a long bath, and work up the energy to play Little Big Planet. I MAY decide to get dressed, but it's unlikely.

I'm not going to answer my phone, my email, or check my text message.

I think I'll start right now with a morning nap in the sun....

I'm Growing...

BTL asked me if he could hang a framed concert poster in our bedroom. It's one of his favorite things. A vintage Bowie poster he's had forever.

The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"

The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"

It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.

Baby steps.... baby steps....

This and That

1. I pulled down all the wallpaper in the kitchen and painted it Dragon's Breath. Which is actually a lovely mossy green. Not too much blue, not too much yellow. Almost like vintage Jadeite glassware. I love it.

2. I forgot to pull up my long hair...and while the color is fantastic on the wall my Dragon's Breath green locks are not so cute. Lesson learned!

3. Four days until my BLT arrives. I'm full of nervous energy and excitement. I have a to-do list a mile long and I doubt I'll get to it all before he arrives, but at least I'm too busy to sit and fixate on his arrival. Last time he came I had so much nervous energy I ironed my king sized sheets. It took me two hours, lol.

4. I love me some Netflix... that is all... I just simply lurv it.

5. Damn I need to see my waxer. I have an appt. for Wednesday, but really... I'm in a bad way. Gooooonie Goo Goo... not attractive!

6. I dozed in bed the other morning watching a Blue Jay in the tree outside my bedroom window and I realized I feel content. It's been so long since I was simply content with my life that I had to think about it a minute. It was an "ah haaaa...I remember this feeling! I like this feeling!" sort of moment. I'm looking forward to having more of them. I have faith that my future days will bring more contentment and less conflict.

I found my "forever house"

I have the most lovely story to tell you...

Once upon a time there was a young girl. She dreamed of her fairytale cottage. It would be blue and white. It would have a picket fence, a fire place, a vintage claw-foot bathtub, french doors that open onto a garden full of flowers, hardwood floors, and vintage glass knobs on the wood cabinets.

That girl grew up, she had babies, she bought her first house, and her second, and her third. Each house was nice...but it was never her dream cottage. Never a flower garden, nor a set of French doors to be had.

That woman gave up a lot of herself over the years. She let someone else determine her worth. She grew to not like herself very much, one by one she forgot about her dreams, but never forgot about that blue cottage. One day, many many years later that girl found herself alone. Now a single mother with four children she thought she would never be able to have that dream cottage of her own.

One sunny day this woman goes for a jog and like a vision from the past she sees her perfect house, her sweet baby blue and white bungalow. It's exists...and it's for sale. With a sad and heavy heart she realizes that some other person would soon buy that lovely home, for surely there is no way a single mother of four can afford to purchase it on her own.

For several months she jogs past that house every day, wishing, dreaming, and hoping that some day in the future it will come up for sale again and she'll be in a position to buy it. Spring rolls around and the woman needs to move her children from the tiny duplex they are living in.

She calls on every rental in town that she can afford, but each one is already leased out. There is only one rental left in town and it's several hundred dollars out of her budget. On a whim, with no real hope that it's an option, the woman calls the last listing. She speaks to the homeowner who describes the home - it would be perfect for her and her children. The woman asks if there is any negotiation room in the rental price. She explains that she is a single mom without any child support. The home owner was also a single mother, the homeowner says she'll lower to rent to what the woman can afford...what a blessing!!!

When the homeowner gives the woman the address the woman starts to shake. Her hands get sweaty and she gets light headed. It's the blue cottage!! The homeowner is stuck with two morgages, and she's willing to rent long term to the right family. She agrees to let the woman come and see the home that evening. They do a walk through and agree that on Monday the homeowner will email the woman a rental application, and if a long term lease works out, she will SELL the woman that house on a rent to own basis!!

The woman meets the homeowner for a tour. She opens the gate at the picket fence. She pauses on the thresh hold, spying the fire place, the gleaming hardwood floors, and the glass knobs on the maple kitchen cabinets. She feels a tear fall when she opens the French doors and sees the pond and gardens out back. Her heart starts to thump in her chest when she opens the bathroom door and a vintage claw foot tub is waiting there like an old friend.

The woman thanks the homeowner and practically skips back to the dingy, tiny two bedroom duplex they've been living in to tell her children that Mommy found a forever home. A nest of their very own they can fill with flowers and love, and happy memories.

The five of them hug, they cry a little, they celebrate with ice cream for dinner. The woman can hardly wait for Monday to sign the lease and get the keys to her dream come true.

Distance and Acceptance

There had been this odd sort of emotional distance between BLT and I the past week. There's has also been distance with the girls since Easter Sunday, both with me, and with each other. It's been tense in the L.O.M household.

BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.

BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.

I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.

We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.

I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".

Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.

The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.

For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.

This is the type of Sunday I remember

Today wasn't perfection or anything, but it was the first weekend since August that I felt was normal. It was as close as we've gotten in the past several months to a normal, stress free, drama free family Sunday.

We all over slept to begin with. Something I never do. I have a very hard time sleeping in general. I fell asleep some time after 3am, and I was dead to the world until 11 am. 8 whole hours is double what I normally get, and I'm a light sleeper too.... not today. I was in a coma, dead to the world until I woke up.

We walked to the video store to return a movie, then over to the park. It was cool out, but we had fun playing on the big toy, playing with the dogs, jogging a little bit around the paths. Then we took the dogs home and walked back to the video store to pick up Planet 51 we had on reserve. Back home for sub sandwiches for dinner, our movie, and then we played a couple games of Clue.

Laundry, and getting ready for school the next day, then bed for the kiddies. All in all, very normal. Normal feels amazing after all the upheaval and craziness we've had in the past 7 months. Normal feels like a gift.

Control Freak

There are certain areas of my life where I am, admitedly, a wee bit of a control freak. And by wee bit I mean huge (of course).

I think it's because I have a total lack of control in several areas of my life. I can't control when the X is released from prison. I can't control my financial situation, and the struggles I'm having due to the divorce. I can't control if the X is going to violate my Restraining Order and try to hurt me. I can't control the distance between the BLT and I, and I can't even really control whether my relationship with the BLT will last. I can't control that all my kids have to share one small bedroom or that they don't love where we live.

What I can control is the order of my closets, the tidyness of my pantry. I can alphabetize my dvd's, I can pay my bills on time (those I can afford to pay!) I can fold my towels into precise thirds and make three very even stacks. I can make my bed each morning and clean my room each evening so that when come home at night I have a peacefull oasis to retreat into. I can control those small areas of my life, and by doing so I feel calmer, safer, less frantic.

So for now, while I'm doing this whole mom thing alone, while I'm struggling in all these other areas of my life, I'm going to hold onto whatever shred of self control, financial control and environmental control I have.

It might seem silly...but it really does make me feel better.

I want him in my space.

The BLT called me just now. His request for time off was approved through work. He will be purchasing his plane ticket in the next day or two, he'll be here the third week of March.

HERE

WITH ME

IN MY SPACE

FOR A WHOLE WEEK

This is big for me, huge actually. The idea is both scary and thrilling. On one level I really needed this from him. I needed him to take this step, to come to me instead of having me come to him again. I need to spend more than 48 hours with him.

I need to see him in my space - smell him on my pillow, to get an idea of what that is like. I've always been the guest, never the host. I've never had any other man in my personal space/bedroom other than my X. I want to make love to him in my own bed, make his breakfast in my kitchen, show him my town and where I work. I want to take him to my favorite restaurant, and show off the mountain view from my window over morning coffee. I want to share all these small unexplored parts of my life with him.

But at the same time I'm scared. His opinion of me means everything. On some level I don't want him to see where I live, how I'm struggling here in this very tiny little duplex. I'm embarrased that I can't do better for my girls on my own. If he were to be disappointed in me it would hurt like hell.

What if's start creeping in... What if he hates where I live? What if he hates my dogs? What if he's not comfortable here? What if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, What if he doesn't like what I cook him for dinner?

Do I pull out all the stops, hoping to impress? Or does that look silly and desperate?

Good God, did he have all these same worries when I came to him the first time? Or as a man, does his brain just work differently?

No matter how many "what if's" come knocking at my door, he's coming. He'll be here in a month... and ready or not, my heart just about beats out of my chest just thinking about it. In a good way, a tickly-nervous in the belly, anticipation sort of way.

I guess in a month we'll find out...

Home Again, Home Again...

Whew, it's been a few days since I took time to write down my thoughts. Work is crazy... C-R-A-Z-Y busy. My whole body aches from packing, hauling, cutting, wrapping, and being a most excellent and multi talented employee. LOL, I've spent a lot of time out in the warehouse, and I actually like it. It's exhausting, but I like to stay busy and I can listen to the radio out there.

I went to visit my BLT last weekend. I cried when it was time to leave. I HATE crying in front of other people, but I just couldn't help it. I really have just gotten all stupid and in love with him, and I miss him so much when I leave. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he holds me at night while we sleep, I miss the fact that he totally gets my quirky sense of humor and he keeps me in stitches laughing so much. I like that he cooks for me, opens doors for me. I like that I make him happy. I like that I get HIS quirky sense of humor and I also keep him laughing his ass off all weekend, I like that when I'm there he can't take his eyes off me, and vice versa.

The leather pants and silk bustier combo was a hit. He pulls up at the airport and his mouth just falls open... then he gets this silly cheshire cat grin (like a little boy with a shiny new toy) and says, "holy shit baby, you look amazing!!" he just keeps staring at me the whole ride home. I felt very girly and my effort wasn't in vain. He showed his appreciation in my very favorite ways! I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

I haven't exercised in almost two weeks. I tried last week, I just got so busy working late and getting my stuff together for my weekend away that it fell to the wayside, and this week I'm working 12+ hour days - and honestly I just have ZERO ambition or energy when I get home. There is always next week!

And the crazy keeps on coming...

My neighbor is insane. A crazy boy child in a hairy man's body. Whenever he feels we are being too loud he resorts to pounding on the walls and stomping loudly up and down the hallway. Nuts-0 huh?

He also likes to wash and dry what sounds like landscape pavers after 11 pm at night. The same man that will curse at me and my children for watching TV at 9:3o pm on a Saturday night sees nothing wrong with doing laundry in the wee hours of the morning or singing to the Eagles at the top of his lungs. Now I have nothing against the Eagles... but really... at midnight?

We share a wall, I live in a duplex, there is going to be some cross over noise, I get that. I've never called the landlord and complained when Hillbilly Deluxe and his lady friend with tres' chic mullet start screaming at each other, or when they wash their little midnight load of rocks and gym socks, or when they park in my spot in front of my house. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let his rock-a-billy girlfiend (and I use the term "girl" lightly here...she's about fiftey years old) call my kids, "little f-ing brats" and scream at me.

We had another run in recently. I was taking my holiday decorations to the garage last night, and she's there, doing god knows what and she says, "what are you doing NOW?" in this pissy tone. I just smiled and told her I was looking for the kids drum and trumpets"

Maybe that'll give her something to worry about for a day or two.