It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I want him in my space.

The BLT called me just now. His request for time off was approved through work. He will be purchasing his plane ticket in the next day or two, he'll be here the third week of March.





This is big for me, huge actually. The idea is both scary and thrilling. On one level I really needed this from him. I needed him to take this step, to come to me instead of having me come to him again. I need to spend more than 48 hours with him.

I need to see him in my space - smell him on my pillow, to get an idea of what that is like. I've always been the guest, never the host. I've never had any other man in my personal space/bedroom other than my X. I want to make love to him in my own bed, make his breakfast in my kitchen, show him my town and where I work. I want to take him to my favorite restaurant, and show off the mountain view from my window over morning coffee. I want to share all these small unexplored parts of my life with him.

But at the same time I'm scared. His opinion of me means everything. On some level I don't want him to see where I live, how I'm struggling here in this very tiny little duplex. I'm embarrased that I can't do better for my girls on my own. If he were to be disappointed in me it would hurt like hell.

What if's start creeping in... What if he hates where I live? What if he hates my dogs? What if he's not comfortable here? What if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, What if he doesn't like what I cook him for dinner?

Do I pull out all the stops, hoping to impress? Or does that look silly and desperate?

Good God, did he have all these same worries when I came to him the first time? Or as a man, does his brain just work differently?

No matter how many "what if's" come knocking at my door, he's coming. He'll be here in a month... and ready or not, my heart just about beats out of my chest just thinking about it. In a good way, a tickly-nervous in the belly, anticipation sort of way.

I guess in a month we'll find out...


  1. I know it's hard...just try to let go of the "what ifs" and just enjoy everything. :-)

  2. I don't know if guys think of those things to be honest. I think he just wants to spend time with you.....easier said than done but try not to stress about being impressive. You have nothing to be ashamed of my friend. Enjoy his visit.