It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Friday, February 26, 2010

A User Manual...

I wish I could type up a user manual for the BLT. A little list of the do's and don'ts I wish I had the guts, or the words, or the ability to express to him.

Here is a User Manual for your new 1970's model "L.O.M" (Little Ol' Me)

1. Your new LOM is all bark and no bite. Do not be put off by any ranting you may hear at other drivers, inconsiderate family members, and horrible waiters. She tends to make a bit of noise and then settle down as soon as it's out of her system.

2. Your LOM does NOT expect or want for you to solve all her problems. She tells you about her struggles because she trusts you. All she wants you to do is listen, and if she asks for your opinion give it to her honestly. She is not a child, she doesn't need a Knight in Shining Armor... she just wants a partner who will support her when she's having a hard time.

3. Your model of LOM is slightly neurotic. Yes she likes her movies alphabetized, yes she likes to color code her clothing in the closet and only uses one specific type of hanger. If you're going to be a part of her life, don't make fun of her for this, just accept it. In other areas of her life she's a total wreck and his gives her some sense of control and order. It makes her happy.

4. Your LOM has had a horrible, HORRIBLE, time with giving / receiving gifts in the past. She doesn't hold you to the same low standards, but gift giving makes her distinctly uncomfortable and she's not sure what the rules are, as you are her first boyfriend since she was in High School. Help her out, give her ideas. Be aware that she'll make mistakes. She wants the types of gifts from you that say you know who she is as a person. That you find her interesting, sexy, and fun. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GIVE YOUR L.O.M. PEACH BATH OR BODY PRODUCTS. It doesn't even really matter why...just don't do it.

4. Your LOM may come across as sexy and self confident, but inside she's shaking in her boots. She NEEDS to hear that you desire her. She needs you to reach out and hold her hand in public. She needs to know you think about her during the day. Tell her... show her... be present and verbal, because her X was neither of those things and she really needs that reassurance right now.

5. Your LOM is very bad at asking for help. She'll struggle, and suffer before she asks for help. Don't let her get away with this. If you know she needs you... step up. Be the man she needs in her life, the one who just gets done what needs to get done without having to be asked all the time, because she won't ask...she'll just seeth inside about it. Right or wrong, call it a design flaw if you want, that's just how this model of female works.

6. The following things will turn off your LOM faster than anything else: Whining about not getting enough sex. Tighty Whities. Cigarette Breath. Mean Drunks. Any porn featuring Ron Jeremy, and last but not least the scent of peach body products (see warning above)

7. It is the little things that matter most to your LOM. She was not treated with respect or much kindness in the past. Hold the door for her, make her dinner, mix her a CD for the car of music you know she loves, watch a movie with her and get her a bag of peanut m&m's. She does not respond as well to large, lavish gestures as she will to something personal and heartfelt.

8. Your LOM went for years without hearing she was beautiful or desirable. She is trying to discover that part of herself again, and hearing it from your lips sends a little thrill up her back. Tell her if you think she looks good, smells good, hell even if you just like the color of her shirt. She craves this reassurance from you.

9. This model of female is not your "typical" L.O.M. She does not love to shop and try on clothes, she doesn't love kittens and puppies, and more than anything she hates crying. The fact that she's willingly shed tears in front of you means that she has the highest level of trust in you. She doesn't cry often, and almost never in front of anyone. Don't make her regret opening up to you like that, or she'll never forgive either of you. Your LOM does not know how to be vulnerable, at least not very well. Help her to know it's okay for her to be soft, to not always have the answers, to cry, to hurt, to want, to fear, and to express it all to you if possible now and then.

10. Your Little Ol' Me wants to make you happy. She craves your laughter. She loves spoiling you in little ways and wants to do what she can to make you happy every day. Tell her what you need/want to be happy. Include her in your wishes, goals, and dreams. Let her in, let her love you

11. Your LOM has a high sex drive. Enjoy it. She wants new experiences with you, she needs you to tell her what you do and don't like. Silent sex turns her off immensely. Be vocal, be honest, be adventurous, and you'll both have a good time.

12. Last, but certainly not least... be patient with her. She's been through a LOT this past year. She feels unsteady sometimes. She worries about everything, she sleeps very little and works very hard. She wants you in her life more than anything, she just isn't very good at talking about her feelings. Don't let her shy away from the truth, make her be honest about her feelings.

So there it is in a nutshell. Now if the BLT just knew about this blog, or if somehow he could just absorb this from the atmosphere, that would be amazing. I don't have the guts to say this stuff out loud.

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