It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Things I've learned this week

This was a ... hmm...  odd week.  Odd sums it up.  It was stressful, and busy, and we've all been a bit cranky.  We've had some personnel changes at work that were difficult, and we're all pulling a few extra hours to cover our collective asses.

This week I've learned the following:

1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it.  It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure.  The maternal unit, however, is more creative.  She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds. 
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them.  No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em.  Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.

*Sigh...*  So that was my week. 

Tell me what YOU learned this week!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Think Before You Act

Something came to light this past week that just took my breath away.  Someone I would normally describe as intelligent did something so stupid, so thoughtless, so Fing asinine that I have no words. My trust in this person's common sense is just destroyed.

What this person did puts others in danger and it's... well... it's purely out of selfishness.  With a smidge of self indulgence and a sprinkling of retardation thrown in.  It's immature, reckless, and wrong.

I don't know how to go forward from here.  I'm not in a position to say anything to this person, but DAYUM I'm bad at keeping my mouth shut.  Shocking I know...

I seriously need to kick someones ass.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

It's the little things

I think it's the little things that make up a good relationship.  My X was good at grand gestures.  Over the top displays of expensive gifts or trips... or whatever was easy and impressive.  He excelled at looking generous while actually exerting no forethought and very little work. 

But when it came to the day to day things he was a wreck.  He didn't seem to understand that I didn't want a new diamond bracelet - I wanted someone to help me with our four kids.  I didn't need a new, bigger house.  I needed respect. 

BLT on the other hand is all about the little things.  It's just in his nature.  He is considerate.  He is hard working.  He listens.  It's the way he always places his hand on the small of my back when we're out together... it's comforting.  It's the way he carries all my stuff out to the car for me in the morning, or scrapes the frost off my windows before he leaves for work.  It's that he knows what my favorite band is, or what movie I will like on TV.  He gets me... he knows my moods. 

Life is made up of millions of little moments, and all those little things add up to so much more than an occasional lavish gift with no forethought put into it.  It's a sweet kiss goodnight, or a warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning.  It's reading different books and telling each other all about them.  It having someone to hold you at night and listening to their heart beat as you fall asleep.  It's about laughing and joking, and staying up all night talking about your future.  It's about the way he'll order dessert and split it with you just because he knows you want some and don't want to feel guilty about it.

I could live the whole rest of my life without another piece of fancy jewelry, or a luxury vacation.... but I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to a life without BLT.  My life is so much better with him in it.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

She called him Daddy

BLT tucked the little ones in tonight, and TNT looked up at him with half closed eyes, and in a shy sleepy voice she said, "I love you... night night daddy..."

BLT looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. 

I think she was testing it out to see how it felt.  Several days ago she asked me what she should call BLT now that we were going to be getting married, and I told her that she should call him whatever feels right.  I told her to continue to call him BLT if she wants to, that there are no rules about this type of thing.

I think it's sweet, and I know BLT liked it. I have no idea if she'll will continue to call him daddy, or dad... or just go back to BLT.  It will be interesting to see what she decides.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Let's Gather Round the Ol' Campfire!

I'm excited! We are heading out camping with the kids for the very first time.  It should be fun! I really hope they like it, because it's something BLT and I want to do on a regular basis, and listening to whining, disgruntled kids is about as much fun as sticking  a spork in your own eye!

So we've packed our cooler, rolled up our sleeping bags, and borrowed a tent from Ethel.

What a good friend Ethel is too, she agreed to watch my two idiot dogs for the weekend, boy oh boy do I owe her one now!

Wish us luck and fair weather!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Good News / Bad New... Court Edition!

Let's start with the good news.  I'm doing a victory dance here - a Jig of Joy, maybe even a little Hula of Happiness!  I went to court yesterday, and it really went about as well as could be expected!  The judge saw right through all the lies, and excuses. She did not believe for one second that my X is a victim in any way.

She told my X that he doesn't get to disappear from the children's life for two years, and then just expect to walk back into it without any sort of gradual reintroduction.  She agrees with my insistence that he needs a mental health evaluation by a clinical therapist with a PhD and experience in Domestic Violence treatment.  She mandated that he have therapy, parenting classes, and a batterers treatment program BEFORE he even gets to the point where he can have monitored visitation.  She expressed concern that he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was wrong, that he commited domestic violence, and that he has damaged my children.  She seemed to understand that as of yesterday he still wasn't accepting any responsibility for his actions, and until he got some help he wasn't going to get access to my children.

The X asked for the following things:
* Residential visitation in his home - DENIED
* Visitation, In his mothers home. Monitored by his Mother - DENIED
* No post conviction requirements, such as therapy or parenting classes - DENIED
* The right to have our phone numbers, address, emails and other contact information - DENIED
* The right to claim the kids as deductions on his taxes (even though he has yet to pay a penny in child support for two years!) - DENIED
* Removal of the Order of Protection on the children - DENIED
*Shared decision making for the children - DENIED

What he did get is the following:
* The ability to start writing his children letters - sent to their therapist for her review, and potential editing before they read them.
* A reduction in child support.  She reduced the payment by 14.00 per month.  He's paying a pittance as it is - only 100.00 more per month than Ethel's brother pays for his single child, and we have four children! For a man so desperate to see his kids he's sure doing everything within his power to avoid supporting them.
* The judge is making me pay 1/2 of the fee for the Guardian ad Lidem and for 1/2 of his monitored visitation!  Why the hell I have to pay half of the fee for HIS visitation and monitoring...when he's the dangerous one who screwed up and went to jail is beyond me!

So that's the long and the short of it.  For the most part I got everything I wanted.  The kids are safe, the re-introduction will be slow and gradual, and monitored in a professional facility by trained personnel.  He will have to pass a Psych evaluation and take some much needed classes.  And most importantly, a Guardian ad Lidem is appointed to help investigate and determine what is in the best interest of my kids. 

It REALLY sucks that I have to come up with money to pay for half of the GAL and monitoring... especially when I didn't do anything wrong, but if it keeps the kids safe then I don't care if I have to do bikini car washes, scrub toilets, or scoop dog crap in the park to make the 3,000.00 bucks to pay for it.  I'll figure it out. 

BLT and I decided to scale way back on the wedding plans and use that money instead to help pay for the GAL.  It means no fancy triple cheesecakes (we will likely do a simple home made cake), no full plated dinner (appetizers and cocktails instead) and sorry family, but no open bar!  I'm going to wait until Easter time and hopefully get the 3 little girls discounted Easter Dresses instead of fancy flower girl dresses.  I am considering taking back my wedding dress too...  it's a silly expense, and I don't need to spend money on a dress. I'll make my invites, and we won't have a photographer.  I'll ask our guests to bring their digital cameras and just email us all the photos they take. 

We've also decided that a honeymoon isn't an option.  Maybe later in the year we can get away for a day or two once the kids are out of school for the summer.  I was thinking that we could keep an eye out for some kind of airline / hotel deal someplace close by for just a weekend, or even drive out of town and find a lovely little bed and breakfast to snuggle into for a few days.  Either way... we're patient!

Speaking of money - when it rains it pours it seems.  Yesterday when I woke up we found that someone smashed out the window in my car and stole a purse I didn't realize got left inside.  Add to that, the dentist just called me.  They apparently mis-quoted and billed me incorrectly and I owe them an additional 383.00 for some dental work I had done last week. 

LOL...could anyone else possibly need money from me right now?  Likely... but they'll just have to stand in line and wait their turn!  I remember a saying I once heard someone say about money.  "Spend it on what brings you joy, because you can't take it with you when you die!"  Nothing gives me more joy and peace than knowing my kids are safe.

BLT and I will still get our happily ever after - it will just be on a smaller scale.  This will leave us some money to put towards making sure we get the best GAL possible and make sure the kids are taken care of.  I have faith that it will all work out in the end.   I mean honestly... we've made it this far.  The rest of this should be smooth sailing!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fool me once...

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  I have nobody to blame for my current predicament except myself.  See, someone I trusted lied to me. They had the best of intentions at the time, and I would like to think they honestly believed what they were saying... but when push came to shove they caved under pressure and sided with my X instead of doing what is right and standing firm. And by going back on their word to me they've put my kids in danger.

I should have known better.  This person did this once before. They laid out an edict that said, "I don't support him, I won't let him live in my house unless he does X, Y, and Z... etc and so forth." But when the time came they didn't keep their word.  They caved...  standing firm was too hard in the face of my ex and all my former in laws (and their money).

Knowing this I let this person back into my life... I listened to their promises.  I believed them. I shared and was honest and vulnerable with them, and I made declarations to the court in a legally binding statement because of the information this person gave me... and now I look like a liar.  I look like a fool.  I look like the kind of person that makes up things.  I look like a flake.

I am hurt and I feel betrayed, not only by this person - but by myself as well.  I didn't listen to my little inner voice that was shouting "don't trust... don't believe."  I'm very scared of going to court tomorrow.  I haven't seen my ex since that night when he brought the gun to my house. I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  I'm afraid if things don't go our way that my girls will feel like I let them down. I feel like we've lost another member of our family to this disaster - because, no matter what the outcome is I'll never be able to trust this person again.  I'll never let them close to us again.  There's too much at stake.

And worse of all... I feel like my kids are in danger.  If my X has half a chance I absolutely believe that he'll make good on his threats to steal my children in order to punish me.

We will be in court at 1:30.  If you're so inclined, say a little prayer for my children and their safety and let the judge see all the lies and excuses for what they are.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Wedding Plans

As you all know, I have been married in the past.... BLT however has not.  He was, for the majority of his childhood a single child.  A wedding is a very important and much anticipated event for his family.  His step siblings are very close to both of us, and they too are incredibly excited for the wedding... so we're going to do it up right - well as nicely as possible with a limited budget, two full time jobs, one psychotic Ex dragging me into court, five kids to support, and out of state family to keep in mind.

My first wedding was designed, and lorded over by my former Mother In-Law.  I made little to no choices. She just sort of took over, and not knowing any better I let her. Plus she paid for all of it, so I didn't really have a choice.  This time I want to have my own fairytail, maybe not the traditional wedding ceremony... but something that I've had my own hand in. That being said, BLT wants the whole thing...Attendants, music, invitations, flowers, and an open bar! To that end I'm checking out a few locations to see if we can afford to have our wedding there.  It seems that around here there are very expensive locations for huge weddings over 150 guests or more.  Or there are elegant, intimate locations for weddings with 25 guests or fewer.  Finding anything in between has been problematic... and expensive. Money (apparently four kids still need to eat... even though Mommy has explained that she wants those lovely invitations! LOL) is always an issue around here.

In what seems like Deja Vu I'm sure, Ethel will be my maid of honor. My two oldest daughters will stand up with me.  Since the oldest daughter was in on the surprise proposal it only seems fitting, BLT asked her what she thought of the idea and they were in cahoots together the whole time! I promised Ethel that there will be no ugly bridesmaid dresses... in fact, other than requesting a color range I'm leaving the dress choice up to her.  We did joke about an orange dress with a giant lime green bow though. YIKES!

We are thinking of getting married in April if possible.  That's enough time to plan, save up money, get through the holidays, let family plan accordingly for traveling here from California, Hawaii, and Missouri, and it lets me take my time doing as much as possible to keep costs down.  I'll do all the flowers, favors, invitations, and decor myself. 

Since it's off season I'll be able to negotiate a better deal for the caterer and officiant, etc (or so all the bridal magazines claim)  Wish me luck.  I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment....

My first job is to find a spot to host this shin dig.  Then I will need a dress (not a white wedding dress for obvious reasons.. i.e. I'm OLD) I'm hoping for this misty grey strapless number I've found online.

All of this wedding planning has a extra bonus, it's keeping me too busy to think about our next court appearance in my X's attempt to prove me unfit and get custody of my children.   But that, my friends, is a whole different post for a different day.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I said Yes....

It was perfect... 
An overnight stay in a luxury hotel. A concert outdoors in the evening.  An exquisite dinner, and back in our suite a tender, sincere request to grow old with me and to make a family with my kids and I.  He picked out the perfect ring and it's exactly what I would choose for myself if I had every ring to choose from.

I cried...  I asked, "are you sure?"  and then when he was done laughing at me he gave me the sweetest kiss I've ever received.

How could I say no?  I love this amazing man.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Count on Me - for Ethel...

There are no other words... Count on me, cause I count on you...

Friday, July 8, 2011

Happiness, Take II

This weekend will be BLT and my second anniversary. 

Wow - two years and he's still here?  I jokingly asked him if he realized I had FOUR kids... that none of them really belonged to the neighbors even if they did spend half their time over there! He said he was aware... so what can I do? The damn fool, LOL!

I think my oldest, Chef, summed it up well.  Chef and I went for a walk last week and during a semi serious conversation where Chef asked me why I had stayed married to the X for so many years when he wasn't nice to us (wow, was that a hard one to put into words... sometimes I don't know myself.  That was a pretty deep, honest conversation to have with your teenager)  Shortly after that conversation Chef said, "BLT must REALLY love you mom, cause uh.. well we're just a lot."  lol... Chef didn't elaborate on what we (the four kids and I) were a lot of.  I think it's just that we're a lot of everything in general!  LOL... a lot of noise, expense, emotions and work.  We're a lot of energy and on occasion having so many females in one house means we are a lot of drama.  Yep we're "a lot" to be sure.

So here we are... two years after starting our relationship, over seven years as friends.  I can't think of anywhere else I would want to be, or anyone else I would want to be with.  I'm very lucky to have a second chance at happiness.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Girls will be girls

My oldest two girls both wanted to dye their hair.  I've been saying no for quite a while now, but I decided what the heck.

They want to express their individuality a bit...  so here we are.

One with dark cherry red/burgundy color all over and the other with bright fuchsia streaks in her dark hair. I don't love either one, but the girls seem excited about it.

And what the heck... It's only hair.  I did it for them myself so all it cost me was 20 bucks and a couple hours of my time tonight.  We had a few glitches, as I am not a trained hair stylist, but we figured it all out with a little patience and in the end, no harm - no foul.  Now lets see how long it lasts before they want something new. 

I may have started something here, girls can be fickle creatures...  but at least they're happy for now!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Shocking Truths

Several things lately have kind of shocked the crap out of me...

1.  It's so much easier to find people on the internet than one would think.  Find a FB page, or a twitter account, an email or even just have someone's personal information and BAM - I suddenly know more about you than you would like. I'm reading your personal thoughts, I'm finding out where you've been and what you've been doing. Considering my X's penchant for cyber stalking this just gives me the creeps.

2. People will say things on line that they would never say in person.  People will be ruder, more obnoxious, and in general over-share because they have the anonymity of the internet.

3. I should know this... and honestly, I should know better...  But number three is: Liars Lie.  They do it over and over. They do it even when they've been caught in the lie.  It's their "go to" problem solving skill. It's the way they avoid responsibility and accountability.  Don't EVER expect the truth from a liar. 

4. Nothing you own is worth what you think it is.  Not your house, not your car, not your most prized possessions. 

5. I should also know this... Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I forget this one often, but damn it's so true.  I like to call this the theory.  I actually went to ol' Wally World recently and saw this principle in action. 

Anything shock the hell out of you recently?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Zombie Toe

Double post...

I haz zombie toe of death. 

I dropped a log on my big toe (I was wearing flip flops) on Saturday and broke it. 

It is black, blue, and a lovely shade of lavender.

It hurts like hell.

I looks like hell.

I'm not happy.

From the corner of my eye...

From the corner of my eye I saw movement... I looked over my shoulder, and where once stood my little girl a nearly full grown woman looked back at me.

When did that happen?  It's a little distressing to be honest.

She's changed so much in the past two years.  If her father ever earns back the honor of being in her life he's got a huge surprise in store for him.

She isn't a little girl anymore.