Fool me once...

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  I have nobody to blame for my current predicament except myself.  See, someone I trusted lied to me. They had the best of intentions at the time, and I would like to think they honestly believed what they were saying... but when push came to shove they caved under pressure and sided with my X instead of doing what is right and standing firm. And by going back on their word to me they've put my kids in danger.

I should have known better.  This person did this once before. They laid out an edict that said, "I don't support him, I won't let him live in my house unless he does X, Y, and Z... etc and so forth." But when the time came they didn't keep their word.  They caved...  standing firm was too hard in the face of my ex and all my former in laws (and their money).

Knowing this I let this person back into my life... I listened to their promises.  I believed them. I shared and was honest and vulnerable with them, and I made declarations to the court in a legally binding statement because of the information this person gave me... and now I look like a liar.  I look like a fool.  I look like the kind of person that makes up things.  I look like a flake.

I am hurt and I feel betrayed, not only by this person - but by myself as well.  I didn't listen to my little inner voice that was shouting "don't trust... don't believe."  I'm very scared of going to court tomorrow.  I haven't seen my ex since that night when he brought the gun to my house. I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  I'm afraid if things don't go our way that my girls will feel like I let them down. I feel like we've lost another member of our family to this disaster - because, no matter what the outcome is I'll never be able to trust this person again.  I'll never let them close to us again.  There's too much at stake.

And worse of all... I feel like my kids are in danger.  If my X has half a chance I absolutely believe that he'll make good on his threats to steal my children in order to punish me.

We will be in court at 1:30.  If you're so inclined, say a little prayer for my children and their safety and let the judge see all the lies and excuses for what they are.

A Letter to Ethel...

My dearest best friend.  I am afraid.  The recent events between you and Fred frighten me.  I'm worried about so many things, it's hard to figure out where your issues start and mine end.  It's all mixed up in my head... his issues, your issues.  I know your husband is not the same person as the man I was married to... but I see so many similarities it's just scary.  I want to fly instantly into protection mode.

I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.

I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.

I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.

I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

I'm scared of making it worse.

I'm scared of change.

Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.

I love you,
Lucy