I was talking to my mom today and she said, "Ever since X brought that gun to your house you live in the one percent." I had to think about it for a minute, but she's right. I go through life now expecting the rare, the unforeseen, the weird accidental mishap.
A situation recently came up where a friend was trying to work out what do with their kiddo(s) while they went out on a late date. The original idea was to leave the teen home alone. Most likely everything would be just fine. Realistically I understand this. However I started to worry. Then my mind went to all the "what ifs" that could happen. And being me, I had to say something. I just couldn't let it go.
What if there was a fire, not even at their place... but next door?
What if she had to be evacuated for a gas leak, or some other area disaster?
What if the dog got out and the kiddo had to try and chase her down when it was dark and a busy body neighbor saw, and then called the police to complain?
What if there was a prowler or someone decided to mess with the vehicle left there?
What if, after the fact the kid was sort of bragging to friends about getting to be home alone and a concerned parent decides to pass judgement and make trouble? Or if the child says something in ear shot of a teacher who does the same?
Two years ago I lived in the 99%... I always thought these things happen to other people. I never had encountered any kind of significant violence at the hands of someone I trusted. I hadn't ever really been surprised by someones choices and behavior. Then my estranged husband brought a gun to my house. He did something I would have never expected.
My mother, Ethel, and my sister in law were all telling me to get a restraining order. I heard, "most likely nothing will ever happen, but you need to be safe and cautious. You need to take care of yourself." I didn't listen.
The 1% chance that my X would lose it came to pass. And now, as a result, I find myself living in that one percent. I find myself going to worse case scenario. If I have a quarter of a tank of gas and I run into traffic I start to feel all panicked and convince myself that I'll run out of gas out of cell phone range.
If the dog throws up I start thinking it's going into liver failure. If I smell smoke I think fire... never burned popcorn....I understand why, I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm not proud of it. It's certainly not something I enjoy.
I see a self help book in my future...
Showing posts with label Emotional Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotional Stuff. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Half Truth Lies
A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies. - Tennyson
When you love someone you hate to see them hurting. Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life. Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering.
Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that. She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.
He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years. When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry. She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again. She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy. She believed.... and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change. She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too. But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him. Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies. More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.
And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen. An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE! Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue. Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control. She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him. Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify. She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends. Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you? I personally don't think so.
I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married. There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation. So she tries not to make waves. I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.
Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it. I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex. I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did. Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred. What I keep asking her is "why"?
What did he do that was so loving? Did he cherish you? Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things?
If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding. I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion. I could help her end this cycle of grief. I WANT to understand. I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.
I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.
When you love someone you hate to see them hurting. Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life. Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering.
Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that. She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.
He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years. When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry. She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again. She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy. She believed.... and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change. She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too. But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him. Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies. More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.
And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen. An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE! Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue. Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control. She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him. Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify. She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends. Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you? I personally don't think so.
I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married. There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation. So she tries not to make waves. I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.
Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it. I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex. I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did. Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred. What I keep asking her is "why"?
What did he do that was so loving? Did he cherish you? Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things?
If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding. I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion. I could help her end this cycle of grief. I WANT to understand. I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.
I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.
Monday, August 8, 2011
So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.
Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago. Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head. See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily. Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.
But alas... no. Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here) see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist. Everything is about her. Her feelings. The work she does, the ways she suffers. That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."
So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out.
*****************************
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess. It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?
How exactly would you like me to suffer? What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation? Did I terrorize your son with a gun? No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain. Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?
So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do. PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper. Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?
Lets see... what else have we got?
Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation... no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?
So where are we? Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares... and those are just the biggies. There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I. There was a difficult job change. There is the daily struggle to parent four kids. There are questions to which I may never have answers.
So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma? Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state? Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?
Because, as far as I can tell... beyond everything else I listed, just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough. Now I'm getting on with my life. I don't care to placate you any longer. I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues. I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.
I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists. It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye. No it's not me... it's you. I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends. Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow. I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.
With my head held high,
Lucy
*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better.... I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***
But alas... no. Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here) see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist. Everything is about her. Her feelings. The work she does, the ways she suffers. That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."
So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out.
*****************************
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess. It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?
How exactly would you like me to suffer? What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation? Did I terrorize your son with a gun? No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain. Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?
So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do. PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper. Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?
Lets see... what else have we got?
Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation... no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?
So where are we? Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares... and those are just the biggies. There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I. There was a difficult job change. There is the daily struggle to parent four kids. There are questions to which I may never have answers.
So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma? Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state? Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?
Because, as far as I can tell... beyond everything else I listed, just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough. Now I'm getting on with my life. I don't care to placate you any longer. I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues. I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.
I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists. It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye. No it's not me... it's you. I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends. Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow. I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.
With my head held high,
Lucy
*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better.... I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Passive Aggressive Is Just Gross..
Wrong, bad, icky, sick, and oh so very Douche-Waffle-Ly
It appears that Ethel's soon to be- sort of is - future ex-husband is back to his old tricks. I'm not even sure it's conscious. I think being passive aggressive is how he's learned to treat her, and how he's managed to get what he needs or wants from those around him.
That being said... damn that is REALLY f'ing annoying!! His newest move is more of the begging and "why won't you promise to let me back into your life, because it's not about what YOU need it's about what I WANT!?" that he's been famous for lately. But he's added a new trick into his repertoire of manipulation. See Mr. Fred and Ms. Ethel are both participants in a message board/forum/online support group for people and their spouses who struggled with Sexual Addiction. Well Mr. Fred has used this forum to push his agenda in a not so subtle fashion and for the most part Ethel has chosen to ignore his pointed jabs, pushing, and obvious attempts to persuade her to take him back.
Instead she focused on herself, her online journaling, and reading/participating in the forums when it was applicable to her. Well she recently posted on her personal online journal about a relationship she's having and Mr. Fred just can't seem to realize that it's not about HIM anymore. She's traveling her own path now, independent from him and his many, varied issues.
Recently Mr. Fred made a very obvious attempt to make Ethel feel guilty by posting that he's leaving the forum because what he's reading is "just too painful" for him. Okay, that's your prerogative. Why do you have to be a drama llama and make a big post about it? Both of you have only been participants in the forum for 2-3 months... you don't have any long term friends or anyone that you have to explain yourself to. Why not just decided that for your own personal well being it's time to stop reading and move on? Oh ya... that's right... that's not how emotionally abusive and manipulative people operate. See it's not about you leaving or staying, it's about getting any kind of attention from Ethel that you can... it's about attempting to make her feel guilty for YOUR CHOICE to remove yourself from the support group instead of simply not reading her private journal.
Once again though he's the victim.... and really, I've been his friend for more than 15 years and I care about him, but this whole passive aggressive thing is so very... VERY... unattractive. He's got to stop.
Be strong Ethel... Lucy Loves You!
It appears that Ethel's soon to be- sort of is - future ex-husband is back to his old tricks. I'm not even sure it's conscious. I think being passive aggressive is how he's learned to treat her, and how he's managed to get what he needs or wants from those around him.
That being said... damn that is REALLY f'ing annoying!! His newest move is more of the begging and "why won't you promise to let me back into your life, because it's not about what YOU need it's about what I WANT!?" that he's been famous for lately. But he's added a new trick into his repertoire of manipulation. See Mr. Fred and Ms. Ethel are both participants in a message board/forum/online support group for people and their spouses who struggled with Sexual Addiction. Well Mr. Fred has used this forum to push his agenda in a not so subtle fashion and for the most part Ethel has chosen to ignore his pointed jabs, pushing, and obvious attempts to persuade her to take him back.
Instead she focused on herself, her online journaling, and reading/participating in the forums when it was applicable to her. Well she recently posted on her personal online journal about a relationship she's having and Mr. Fred just can't seem to realize that it's not about HIM anymore. She's traveling her own path now, independent from him and his many, varied issues.
Recently Mr. Fred made a very obvious attempt to make Ethel feel guilty by posting that he's leaving the forum because what he's reading is "just too painful" for him. Okay, that's your prerogative. Why do you have to be a drama llama and make a big post about it? Both of you have only been participants in the forum for 2-3 months... you don't have any long term friends or anyone that you have to explain yourself to. Why not just decided that for your own personal well being it's time to stop reading and move on? Oh ya... that's right... that's not how emotionally abusive and manipulative people operate. See it's not about you leaving or staying, it's about getting any kind of attention from Ethel that you can... it's about attempting to make her feel guilty for YOUR CHOICE to remove yourself from the support group instead of simply not reading her private journal.
Once again though he's the victim.... and really, I've been his friend for more than 15 years and I care about him, but this whole passive aggressive thing is so very... VERY... unattractive. He's got to stop.
Be strong Ethel... Lucy Loves You!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Little Annoyances
I'm having one of those weeks where everything annoys me. In no particular order I am irritated as hell by:
My X
My Former In Laws
The Cost of Gas
My Financial Worries
My Landlords Raising My Rent 200.00 per month
The Royal Wedding (I just couldn't care less and I'm tired of seeing it all over the TV)
My BFF's soon to be Ex Husband... man he's high on the list actually...
My Slow Weight Loss (I'm fairly close to my goal weight and it's coming off slower than I would like)
My Idiot Dogs
My X - ya he was already mentioned, but damn he irritates me so much I have to give him another slot on the list.
Add to all of this I have insomnia and my boobs are SUPER sore this week. I have no idea why, but I want to crawl out of my skin. The girls be hurtin! I'm sure it's a combo of stress and hormones.
I'm sure all of this annoyance will pass. It always does. I tend not to hold onto things for too long. Until it does pass however I highly recommend that everyone just avoid me like the plague. I'm really cranky and I have the distinct impression that I have no sense of humor at the moment. My poor kids... and BLT too. They are all just giving me a wide berth this week.
My X
My Former In Laws
The Cost of Gas
My Financial Worries
My Landlords Raising My Rent 200.00 per month
The Royal Wedding (I just couldn't care less and I'm tired of seeing it all over the TV)
My BFF's soon to be Ex Husband... man he's high on the list actually...
My Slow Weight Loss (I'm fairly close to my goal weight and it's coming off slower than I would like)
My Idiot Dogs
My X - ya he was already mentioned, but damn he irritates me so much I have to give him another slot on the list.
Add to all of this I have insomnia and my boobs are SUPER sore this week. I have no idea why, but I want to crawl out of my skin. The girls be hurtin! I'm sure it's a combo of stress and hormones.
I'm sure all of this annoyance will pass. It always does. I tend not to hold onto things for too long. Until it does pass however I highly recommend that everyone just avoid me like the plague. I'm really cranky and I have the distinct impression that I have no sense of humor at the moment. My poor kids... and BLT too. They are all just giving me a wide berth this week.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A Letter to Ethel...
My dearest best friend. I am afraid. The recent events between you and Fred frighten me. I'm worried about so many things, it's hard to figure out where your issues start and mine end. It's all mixed up in my head... his issues, your issues. I know your husband is not the same person as the man I was married to... but I see so many similarities it's just scary. I want to fly instantly into protection mode.
I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.
I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.
I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.
I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.
I'm scared of making it worse.
I'm scared of change.
Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.
I love you,
Lucy
I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.
I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.
I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.
I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.
I'm scared of making it worse.
I'm scared of change.
Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.
I love you,
Lucy
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...
This is one I'll never understand. A few people in my life are going through this same thing. A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship. This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear. Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.
Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation. For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best. He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't. Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together. She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible. I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.
My X decided we were getting divorced. I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact! Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together. When I refused he got...well, crazy. At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me? I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together." His reply? "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built." NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.
Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us? Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things? I personally don't get it at all. I want to be wanted. I need to be wanted.
I've been ignored and it feels terrible. And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed. I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive. My ego couldn't handle it.
I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse. I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!" is the best way to reach either of them. And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth! So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.
That's all I've got to offer.
Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation. For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best. He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't. Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together. She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible. I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.
My X decided we were getting divorced. I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact! Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together. When I refused he got...well, crazy. At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me? I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together." His reply? "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built." NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.
Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us? Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things? I personally don't get it at all. I want to be wanted. I need to be wanted.
I've been ignored and it feels terrible. And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed. I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive. My ego couldn't handle it.
I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse. I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!" is the best way to reach either of them. And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth! So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.
That's all I've got to offer.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Coffee, Cake, and Clarity...
Okay, it was actually Coffee, PIE and Clarity - but I just dig repetitive sounds so there ya go!
I met with Ethel on Friday night for some coffee and pie and conversation. I'm trying hard to be a good friend to both her and Fred, her Mister, but it's a tenuous place to be at. It's also really hard for me to understand all the dynamics of what's going on. I also just don't do the "lie to make you feel better" kind of thing. It's just not me. If you ask for my input you'll get it. Not to be cruel - I just don't think real friends lie to each other, even if it's something you don't really want to hear.
Ethel found out that Fred is, once again...or perhaps better described as STILL, telling lies and doing shady things behind her back. He always has an excuse. He always denies and deflects, and hides what's really going on - and in the past it's always worked. For whatever reason Ethel decided she wanted to salvage her marriage. She forgave. She overlooked the obvious. She made excuses to herself and others. She went to counseling. She bought self help books. She allowed herself to be bullied. She prayed, and cried, and wrote about her feelings on her blog.
So now we are - once again at a Cafe late in the evening while I hear Ethel say that she knows her marriage is sick and she doesn't have it in her to fight anymore. She's doesn't care enough to keep hurting, and she wants to get a separation. But it's still there... this guilt, this co-dependence that makes her want to please him, to tell him that they might be able to work it out with space and time. Just hearing her say, "I just don't know what I want. Maybe in a year or two I would be willing to let him back into my life but I doubt it." is kind of horrifying to be honest. How in the hell can you consider letting someone who treats you like this have any part in your life? How do you not hate, with every breath, someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally abused you, physically intimidated you, made you doubt your value and your appeal? How do you still have room in your heart for that person? It sounds warped to me. I want to be a good friend and I want to be supportive, but I'm just not able to comprehend it on any level. Those are not behaviors you would accept from a co-worker, casual friend, or distant relative...but you'll accept it from the person that stood before family, friends, and god and promised to love, cherish, and honor you? What???
I want her to know her value. I want both of them to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and to be good examples to their kids. I want happiness for both of them. I just have NO faith that they can do that together as a couple. Whatever his issues are, plus whatever her issues are equal one giant dysfunctional mess.
I'm worried. I've actually been up several nights worrying about her safety - physical and emotional. Mr Fred declares that he finally understands how she feels. Now he wants to work on their marriage. Now that Ethel told him he has to move out in two weeks, and now that she isn't crying anymore, or telling him she wants to work on this... NOW he decides he can't do this alone. He's in desperation mode. Desperate people do unpredictable things. He refuses to believe it's too late. He can't see that he's caused so much damage. I've tried explaining this - as kindly as possible, while being totally honest with him. But he doesn't hear it yet. He's not at that place yet, and he might not be for a really long time.
That leaves Ethel and Fred stuck in the same house together until they have the money for him to move out. That means that Ethel is under constant stress and pressure from Fred to "try again". That means that there is a very good chance (looking at their history together) that Ethel will give in to her co-dependency and let Fred stay. I honestly think it's 50/50 as to whether or not she'll really make him move out, much less follow through with a separation and not let him beg his way back into the house in a short period of time. They've ridden this twisted little carousel ride before and she didn't follow through - and here they are again.
I wish life weren't so confusing and messy. I wish I had the ability to make this easier on all of them - especially their kids. It has to be confusing to have dad move out, come right back, have all this stress in the house, then move back out again.... It's hard on all of them and I'm pretty much powerless to make it any better.
This whole thing just sucks ass.
I met with Ethel on Friday night for some coffee and pie and conversation. I'm trying hard to be a good friend to both her and Fred, her Mister, but it's a tenuous place to be at. It's also really hard for me to understand all the dynamics of what's going on. I also just don't do the "lie to make you feel better" kind of thing. It's just not me. If you ask for my input you'll get it. Not to be cruel - I just don't think real friends lie to each other, even if it's something you don't really want to hear.
Ethel found out that Fred is, once again...or perhaps better described as STILL, telling lies and doing shady things behind her back. He always has an excuse. He always denies and deflects, and hides what's really going on - and in the past it's always worked. For whatever reason Ethel decided she wanted to salvage her marriage. She forgave. She overlooked the obvious. She made excuses to herself and others. She went to counseling. She bought self help books. She allowed herself to be bullied. She prayed, and cried, and wrote about her feelings on her blog.
So now we are - once again at a Cafe late in the evening while I hear Ethel say that she knows her marriage is sick and she doesn't have it in her to fight anymore. She's doesn't care enough to keep hurting, and she wants to get a separation. But it's still there... this guilt, this co-dependence that makes her want to please him, to tell him that they might be able to work it out with space and time. Just hearing her say, "I just don't know what I want. Maybe in a year or two I would be willing to let him back into my life but I doubt it." is kind of horrifying to be honest. How in the hell can you consider letting someone who treats you like this have any part in your life? How do you not hate, with every breath, someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally abused you, physically intimidated you, made you doubt your value and your appeal? How do you still have room in your heart for that person? It sounds warped to me. I want to be a good friend and I want to be supportive, but I'm just not able to comprehend it on any level. Those are not behaviors you would accept from a co-worker, casual friend, or distant relative...but you'll accept it from the person that stood before family, friends, and god and promised to love, cherish, and honor you? What???
I want her to know her value. I want both of them to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and to be good examples to their kids. I want happiness for both of them. I just have NO faith that they can do that together as a couple. Whatever his issues are, plus whatever her issues are equal one giant dysfunctional mess.
I'm worried. I've actually been up several nights worrying about her safety - physical and emotional. Mr Fred declares that he finally understands how she feels. Now he wants to work on their marriage. Now that Ethel told him he has to move out in two weeks, and now that she isn't crying anymore, or telling him she wants to work on this... NOW he decides he can't do this alone. He's in desperation mode. Desperate people do unpredictable things. He refuses to believe it's too late. He can't see that he's caused so much damage. I've tried explaining this - as kindly as possible, while being totally honest with him. But he doesn't hear it yet. He's not at that place yet, and he might not be for a really long time.
That leaves Ethel and Fred stuck in the same house together until they have the money for him to move out. That means that Ethel is under constant stress and pressure from Fred to "try again". That means that there is a very good chance (looking at their history together) that Ethel will give in to her co-dependency and let Fred stay. I honestly think it's 50/50 as to whether or not she'll really make him move out, much less follow through with a separation and not let him beg his way back into the house in a short period of time. They've ridden this twisted little carousel ride before and she didn't follow through - and here they are again.
I wish life weren't so confusing and messy. I wish I had the ability to make this easier on all of them - especially their kids. It has to be confusing to have dad move out, come right back, have all this stress in the house, then move back out again.... It's hard on all of them and I'm pretty much powerless to make it any better.
This whole thing just sucks ass.
Monday, February 14, 2011
How does he know?
I'm not sure how BLT knows, without me telling him, what I need. I am a complicated female and yet in some ways I'm not. I don't understand how to play games so I don't bother trying. I don't want to expend the energy to lie, so I refuse to do so. I tend to ask for exactly what I want, and I abhor passive aggressiveness.
Most of the time I'm not a "make love to me gently" kind of girl. I need a certain level of intensity, roughness, and aggression to get off. I refuse to be your mommy in bed. If you can't figure it out then I have no time for you. Does that make me a bitch? I sincerely hope not, I'm just not interested in participating in a training seminar when I'm desperately striving for a bone melting orgasm (or three).
That being said, after BLT has been out of town (he's been in TN on business for four days and is finally home!) I need that reconnection. I need to be held close. I want to take my time, and be made love to. Somehow he just knew. I've never said these words out loud - and yet he gives me exactly what I need. He says the right words. He takes his time showing me exactly how he feels about me. Words, touches, sighs, kisses... perfection. Damn I missed that man.
Nobody else gets me like that. I've never asked him... but I sincerely hope that I do the same for him. I try to read his moods, and his body language. I try to listen to all the things he's telling me with his actions and his words both. Maybe that's all it is? Maybe the key is to develop the ability to listen to what the other person is telling us even if they aren't speaking?
Most of the time I'm not a "make love to me gently" kind of girl. I need a certain level of intensity, roughness, and aggression to get off. I refuse to be your mommy in bed. If you can't figure it out then I have no time for you. Does that make me a bitch? I sincerely hope not, I'm just not interested in participating in a training seminar when I'm desperately striving for a bone melting orgasm (or three).
That being said, after BLT has been out of town (he's been in TN on business for four days and is finally home!) I need that reconnection. I need to be held close. I want to take my time, and be made love to. Somehow he just knew. I've never said these words out loud - and yet he gives me exactly what I need. He says the right words. He takes his time showing me exactly how he feels about me. Words, touches, sighs, kisses... perfection. Damn I missed that man.
Nobody else gets me like that. I've never asked him... but I sincerely hope that I do the same for him. I try to read his moods, and his body language. I try to listen to all the things he's telling me with his actions and his words both. Maybe that's all it is? Maybe the key is to develop the ability to listen to what the other person is telling us even if they aren't speaking?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Gonna have to let it go...
** Ethel this post is about you and Fred, and is not meant to be hurtful, but I'll give you heads up that I'm expressing some honest emotion here, so feel free to skip it if you would like. I won't be offended and neither should you as I'm just musing here and working things out in my head. **
______________________________________________________
I've had a lot of issues rumbling around inside my head in the past twenty-four hours. It appears that Ethel's husband, Fred, has decided to unfriend me in Facebook. Apparently he feels like we're no longer friends. After nearly 20 years we're not friends? Because why? Because I don't agree with his choices and behavior? I understand that as friends, as humans, we don't always agree... we don't always understand each other and we are not always going to get along. That doesn't mean I would force him out of my life. Why? Well because I don't think it's reasonable or mature. Why does this bother me? Should it matter? How does or doesn't this effect my relationship with Ethel?
One part of me says that you just don't do this. You just don't alienate the closest friend of your spouse. Especially when the general opinion of you over the past six months is that you're a disrespectful, bullying jerk who's treated your wife like crap.. I mean really... is alienating me the best way to make yourself appear more understanding and reasonable? Me thinks not. Another part of me feels like it's his right to be friends, in real life and via social media with whomever he wants.
I am not one of those friends that will lie to you, or pat you on the back and say, "oh gee it's okay if you've had emotional affairs. It's alright if you've lied to your wife over and over and spent years being selfish and disrespectful. No problem buddy...as long as you say you won't do it again, all is well." I will be honest with you if I think you've been mistreating my friend. However I AM the kind of friend who believes that actions speak louder than words, and that redemption is possible if you want it hard enough. I AM the kind of friend who will allow you to come to my home for Thanksgiving dinner, even when you've been hurting my friend because it's in the best interest of your kids...and because in all honesty she chose you, for some reason she wants you, and because you guys are a family.
I let him come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I bought a gift card for him for Christmas and sent it home with Ethel (he was at work) so that he didn't feel as though I was upset with him and feel left out. I have not yelled, been rude, nor have I expressed any of my private opinions to him. In fact, since Ethel came clean about letting him move back home after she kicked him out I haven't said one word about him one way or another.
Ethel and Fred have to figure out their own relationship. It's none of my business. My goal is for Ethel to be happy, to be healthy, and to be treated with respect. I don't ask for details because it doesn't matter what I think. Ethel chose him, and some part of their relationship obviously works for her - and that's all that matters.
So why the hell does her husband have to treat me so rudely? After almost 20 years he has the nerve to think we're not friends because I didn't lie to him and blow sunshine up his ass when he was behaving so poorly? What right does he have to be offended because I reacted in a negative way to HIS behavior and choices? I mean really? You make horrible choices that hurt the people around you and then you get offended when someone doesn't just roll over like an obedient dog and lavish you with praise and forgiveness because you convince your wife to take you back?
How will this effect my relationship with Ethel? As it is I was horribly uncomfortable on Saturday when we spent the day carpooling to a friends party and back. Obviously if her husband has decided we're no longer on speaking terms then I can't, and won't, ask about what's going on between them. If we're not friends then I'm not welcome in their home, and in turn they won't feel comfortable coming to mine...so where does that leave us? This is all ridiculous beyond belief. All these years of friendship tossed aside like so much trash... and for what?
I'm honestly not sure where we go from here... I can't explain how hurt my feelings are. I assumed that with enough time he would redeem himself in my eyes when I saw him making an effort to treat Ethel with love, respect, and kindness. Now? I don't know where we stand or what will happen. It's not like Ethel is going to choose our friendship over her husband. I totally would never expect that. I'm so conflicted about this.
______________________________________________________
I've had a lot of issues rumbling around inside my head in the past twenty-four hours. It appears that Ethel's husband, Fred, has decided to unfriend me in Facebook. Apparently he feels like we're no longer friends. After nearly 20 years we're not friends? Because why? Because I don't agree with his choices and behavior? I understand that as friends, as humans, we don't always agree... we don't always understand each other and we are not always going to get along. That doesn't mean I would force him out of my life. Why? Well because I don't think it's reasonable or mature. Why does this bother me? Should it matter? How does or doesn't this effect my relationship with Ethel?
One part of me says that you just don't do this. You just don't alienate the closest friend of your spouse. Especially when the general opinion of you over the past six months is that you're a disrespectful, bullying jerk who's treated your wife like crap.. I mean really... is alienating me the best way to make yourself appear more understanding and reasonable? Me thinks not. Another part of me feels like it's his right to be friends, in real life and via social media with whomever he wants.
I am not one of those friends that will lie to you, or pat you on the back and say, "oh gee it's okay if you've had emotional affairs. It's alright if you've lied to your wife over and over and spent years being selfish and disrespectful. No problem buddy...as long as you say you won't do it again, all is well." I will be honest with you if I think you've been mistreating my friend. However I AM the kind of friend who believes that actions speak louder than words, and that redemption is possible if you want it hard enough. I AM the kind of friend who will allow you to come to my home for Thanksgiving dinner, even when you've been hurting my friend because it's in the best interest of your kids...and because in all honesty she chose you, for some reason she wants you, and because you guys are a family.
I let him come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I bought a gift card for him for Christmas and sent it home with Ethel (he was at work) so that he didn't feel as though I was upset with him and feel left out. I have not yelled, been rude, nor have I expressed any of my private opinions to him. In fact, since Ethel came clean about letting him move back home after she kicked him out I haven't said one word about him one way or another.
Ethel and Fred have to figure out their own relationship. It's none of my business. My goal is for Ethel to be happy, to be healthy, and to be treated with respect. I don't ask for details because it doesn't matter what I think. Ethel chose him, and some part of their relationship obviously works for her - and that's all that matters.
So why the hell does her husband have to treat me so rudely? After almost 20 years he has the nerve to think we're not friends because I didn't lie to him and blow sunshine up his ass when he was behaving so poorly? What right does he have to be offended because I reacted in a negative way to HIS behavior and choices? I mean really? You make horrible choices that hurt the people around you and then you get offended when someone doesn't just roll over like an obedient dog and lavish you with praise and forgiveness because you convince your wife to take you back?
How will this effect my relationship with Ethel? As it is I was horribly uncomfortable on Saturday when we spent the day carpooling to a friends party and back. Obviously if her husband has decided we're no longer on speaking terms then I can't, and won't, ask about what's going on between them. If we're not friends then I'm not welcome in their home, and in turn they won't feel comfortable coming to mine...so where does that leave us? This is all ridiculous beyond belief. All these years of friendship tossed aside like so much trash... and for what?
I'm honestly not sure where we go from here... I can't explain how hurt my feelings are. I assumed that with enough time he would redeem himself in my eyes when I saw him making an effort to treat Ethel with love, respect, and kindness. Now? I don't know where we stand or what will happen. It's not like Ethel is going to choose our friendship over her husband. I totally would never expect that. I'm so conflicted about this.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Broken Hearts and Bad Dreams
I'm broken hearted for my co-worker. Just a few days before Christmas her daughter was struck by a car while she was fleeing her abusive boyfriend. She was so severely injured they made the decision to take her off life support and donate her viable organs two days before Christmas. Her families generosity means that several other people got a second chance at life.
I can't imagine this kind of loss. Bea came into work for the first time since the accident and I've never seen a human grieve like this before. It's never been so close to me before - so palpable. The air around her is actually heavy, if that makes any sense - as though you can actually feel her pain and loss. You can almost close your eyes and smell it, taste it like bitter fruit in the back of your throat.
I wish I had the right kinds of words to offer comfort. I know that nothing I could say would help. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her that we love her.
Ever since I heard about the accident I've had bad dreams off and on about something happening to my kids. I can't imagine it... it really is the stuff of nightmares.
I can't imagine this kind of loss. Bea came into work for the first time since the accident and I've never seen a human grieve like this before. It's never been so close to me before - so palpable. The air around her is actually heavy, if that makes any sense - as though you can actually feel her pain and loss. You can almost close your eyes and smell it, taste it like bitter fruit in the back of your throat.
I wish I had the right kinds of words to offer comfort. I know that nothing I could say would help. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her that we love her.
Ever since I heard about the accident I've had bad dreams off and on about something happening to my kids. I can't imagine it... it really is the stuff of nightmares.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I'm a little pissed at the world
I'm a little annoyed today. What's the reason? I have no freakin' clue.
I'm antsy, anxious, cranky, and impatient today.
It's a good thing I'm a firm believer in my mother's favorite adage, "if you don't have anything nice to say, shut the hell up!"
So I'm grumbly and taxiturn and mostly silent today... really it's just better this way. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's hormones. Maybe its the cycle of moon or some other wird astrological bullshit. Maybe, every now and then we human beings just get fed up with all the noise and greediness around us from the other people who share this planet with us.
Whatever the reason I can't imagine it will last long. If I don't cheer up soon my parents or BLT will bonk me on the head and stuff my body in the trunk of my car.... and rightly so.... I don't even like me today!
*grumble*
*snark*
*roll eyes*
I'm antsy, anxious, cranky, and impatient today.
It's a good thing I'm a firm believer in my mother's favorite adage, "if you don't have anything nice to say, shut the hell up!"
So I'm grumbly and taxiturn and mostly silent today... really it's just better this way. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's hormones. Maybe its the cycle of moon or some other wird astrological bullshit. Maybe, every now and then we human beings just get fed up with all the noise and greediness around us from the other people who share this planet with us.
Whatever the reason I can't imagine it will last long. If I don't cheer up soon my parents or BLT will bonk me on the head and stuff my body in the trunk of my car.... and rightly so.... I don't even like me today!
*grumble*
*snark*
*roll eyes*
Monday, January 10, 2011
I guess I AM that kind of girl....
Several years ago, had you asked me to describe myself I would have told you that I'm rather unfeminine. I would have told you I don't cry...ever. I cried at my grandma's funeral, and then went about 8 years without shedding a tear. I would have told you I don't participate in public displays of affection, and that I detest pet names. I would have told you that I hate to snuggle. I would have made it very clear that I have no use for displays of excess emotion and I really don't know how to deal with them.
Fast forward three years....go through an affair and a separation. Get a job for the first time in 12 years. Survived having your ex husband try to kill you. Become nearly homeless if it weren't for the love and support of dear family and friends. Spend some time falling in love for the first time in your life. Spend some time being a single parent of four young children. Have your home foreclosed on and your credit destroyed. There is no way I could be the same person after all of that.
It hit me like lightening the other day. BLT asked me a question, "Hey babe can we..." and I replied, "of course my love." HUH? Pet names? Me? I AM that girl now. I am so very fundamentally different in my own eyes from the person I was a few years ago. I'm softer in a way. The thing I look forward to most is crawling into my bed at night and being held by him. We're always looking for moments to snatch a kiss or a cuddle. We walk hand in hand, we talk about our feelings and our dreams for the future.
I've cried more tears in the year and a half since my Ex brought that gun to my house than I've cried in my entire previous 30 odd years on this planet. I feel things very deeply now, and I know that part of that is the PTSD, the fear, and the resulting the frustration and the helplessness that this situation brought about. Part of it is feeling safe, and cherished though too. I don't carry around this weighty judgement and ridicule on my back any longer. I don't feel like I HAVE to be tough to get respect. I KNOW I'm respected.
It just hit me all at once that maybe I've always been this kind of woman...I just wasn't with the right kind of man who could bring out this softer side. Maybe it wasn't ME at all, but instead it was him, or at the very least the dynamic between us that made me so much less affectionate and emotional when I was married to my Ex.
I used to think people didn't change... and maybe our core values and personality traits don't. But I'm starting to believe that the people we surround ourselves with and the people we build a life with have a much greater impact on who we are and how we behave than I ever realized.
Fast forward three years....go through an affair and a separation. Get a job for the first time in 12 years. Survived having your ex husband try to kill you. Become nearly homeless if it weren't for the love and support of dear family and friends. Spend some time falling in love for the first time in your life. Spend some time being a single parent of four young children. Have your home foreclosed on and your credit destroyed. There is no way I could be the same person after all of that.
It hit me like lightening the other day. BLT asked me a question, "Hey babe can we..." and I replied, "of course my love." HUH? Pet names? Me? I AM that girl now. I am so very fundamentally different in my own eyes from the person I was a few years ago. I'm softer in a way. The thing I look forward to most is crawling into my bed at night and being held by him. We're always looking for moments to snatch a kiss or a cuddle. We walk hand in hand, we talk about our feelings and our dreams for the future.
I've cried more tears in the year and a half since my Ex brought that gun to my house than I've cried in my entire previous 30 odd years on this planet. I feel things very deeply now, and I know that part of that is the PTSD, the fear, and the resulting the frustration and the helplessness that this situation brought about. Part of it is feeling safe, and cherished though too. I don't carry around this weighty judgement and ridicule on my back any longer. I don't feel like I HAVE to be tough to get respect. I KNOW I'm respected.
It just hit me all at once that maybe I've always been this kind of woman...I just wasn't with the right kind of man who could bring out this softer side. Maybe it wasn't ME at all, but instead it was him, or at the very least the dynamic between us that made me so much less affectionate and emotional when I was married to my Ex.
I used to think people didn't change... and maybe our core values and personality traits don't. But I'm starting to believe that the people we surround ourselves with and the people we build a life with have a much greater impact on who we are and how we behave than I ever realized.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
I'm reading this book as a part of my therapy. In all honesty I started out doubting that this book really applied to me. You see I knew my X was mean to me. I recognized that he treated me very disrespectfully- but he didn't hit me. I didn't identify myself as a "victim" or an "abused woman".
Part of what I'm struggling with, emotionally, is that I feel this need to prove myself right or correct. I give detailed accounts and suffer a great deal of anxiety when I feel like people don't believe me - or if my version of events is questioned. I can't figure out why its so important for me, why I have a desperate need to be approved of and believed.... my Dr. believes it's a long standing issue developed from having to constantly stand my ground with my X and argue my worth in an effort to gain respect - which I never managed to achieve.
It's becoming clearer to me that manipulation and mental abuse is just as dangerous to a person's well being as physical abuse. If you suffer a bruise or a broken bone there are people all over the place who will encourage you to leave him - to offer support and assistance. When your abuser uses words, intimidation, financial pressures, and disrespect it's easily hidden and many will tell you to "work it out for the sake of the kids" or if he's truly manipulative he'll seem friendly and generous of spirit to those outside of his marriage and they simply won't believe he's capable of being abusive.
How many women hear "He's such a good father, you're so lucky" as though that's an excuse to bully, disrespect, and hurt you behind doors. One of the chapters in this book deals with the "good father" who is abusive to his wife - and how many of us will overlook our own hardships for the sake of our kids.... but it's all a big lie. Because a good father treats his wife with respect at all times. A good father is a partner and a supporter to showcase to his children how they should expect to be treated in their adult relationships. Plus, kids see and know more than we give them credit for. They wake up hearing angry voices at night, or catch glimpses of tears when we don't know they're looking. My X left my girls with a horrible example of how a man treats his children and his wife. All I can hope is that I do better by them in the future and I find a masculine roll model that shows them love, respect, patience, and strength at ALL times, not just when life is easy and there isn't any kind of stress or conflict.
I think BLT is that kind of man. All of the warning signs identified in this book are exact opposites of his daily behavior and choices. He's kind above all - even when other's aren't looking. He's mature, respectful, patient, generous with time and open to laugh - even at himself. He accepts responsibility for his actions and apologizes if he's in the wrong.
My goal is to identify how my behavior changed over the years in response to mental and emotional abuse, and then figure out WHY I do the things I do so that I don't repeat the mistakes I've made in the past. I think a large part of it is simply accepting that I was in fact mistreated, and then accepting my own value so that I don't allow myself to treated this way again.
Now if it were just that simple... but I'm trying. I'm growing. I'm learning.
Part of what I'm struggling with, emotionally, is that I feel this need to prove myself right or correct. I give detailed accounts and suffer a great deal of anxiety when I feel like people don't believe me - or if my version of events is questioned. I can't figure out why its so important for me, why I have a desperate need to be approved of and believed.... my Dr. believes it's a long standing issue developed from having to constantly stand my ground with my X and argue my worth in an effort to gain respect - which I never managed to achieve.
It's becoming clearer to me that manipulation and mental abuse is just as dangerous to a person's well being as physical abuse. If you suffer a bruise or a broken bone there are people all over the place who will encourage you to leave him - to offer support and assistance. When your abuser uses words, intimidation, financial pressures, and disrespect it's easily hidden and many will tell you to "work it out for the sake of the kids" or if he's truly manipulative he'll seem friendly and generous of spirit to those outside of his marriage and they simply won't believe he's capable of being abusive.
How many women hear "He's such a good father, you're so lucky" as though that's an excuse to bully, disrespect, and hurt you behind doors. One of the chapters in this book deals with the "good father" who is abusive to his wife - and how many of us will overlook our own hardships for the sake of our kids.... but it's all a big lie. Because a good father treats his wife with respect at all times. A good father is a partner and a supporter to showcase to his children how they should expect to be treated in their adult relationships. Plus, kids see and know more than we give them credit for. They wake up hearing angry voices at night, or catch glimpses of tears when we don't know they're looking. My X left my girls with a horrible example of how a man treats his children and his wife. All I can hope is that I do better by them in the future and I find a masculine roll model that shows them love, respect, patience, and strength at ALL times, not just when life is easy and there isn't any kind of stress or conflict.
I think BLT is that kind of man. All of the warning signs identified in this book are exact opposites of his daily behavior and choices. He's kind above all - even when other's aren't looking. He's mature, respectful, patient, generous with time and open to laugh - even at himself. He accepts responsibility for his actions and apologizes if he's in the wrong.
My goal is to identify how my behavior changed over the years in response to mental and emotional abuse, and then figure out WHY I do the things I do so that I don't repeat the mistakes I've made in the past. I think a large part of it is simply accepting that I was in fact mistreated, and then accepting my own value so that I don't allow myself to treated this way again.
Now if it were just that simple... but I'm trying. I'm growing. I'm learning.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Rethinking his Christmas Gift
I'm seriously rethinking one of the gifts I got for BLT. I bought him a ring. When I saw it my only thought was that it looks very much like the watch he picked out for himself. It's made of Tungsten, which is supposed to be harder and more scratch resistant than Silver or Titanium even, so he can wear it at work. It has a center ring of black carbon that looks so cool. It's very masculine and fashionable.
I just thought it was a really attractive piece of men's jewelry that he could wear on his off hand and it would look great with his watch.... but I don't want him thinking it means something other than that, or that it's some kind of passive aggressive non-verbal expectation for him to buy me a similar type of gift.
Honestly, I have gift "issues" related to my disastrous previous holidays and birthdays with my ex husband. I have all this anxiety about whether or not he'll like it, or if there are expectations about how much we should have or shouldn't have spent? What if I spent way more than he did, or vice-versa, and the other person feels awkward afterwards?
In my past, gifts were tools of manipulation. Used to "buy" desired behaviors or withheld to punish. There were expectations and strings attached to EVERYTHING. He would give me a trip to Vegas with my best friend but then for months afterward would tell me I was a selfish person and a horrible mother for going. He would give me a gift certificate to a salon and then complain about having to watch the children so that I could use it, so it would sit useless until it expired. Then there was the banner year that he gave me a bathroom scale for Christmas... I had just had a baby in November...
Mostly we just didn't exchange gifts. We had gotten to the point in our marriage that we bought things for the children and then just bought something for the house that everyone could use - like a TV or a Wii or something like that. It was just easier that way and less stressful.
But now, BLT and I are starting our own traditions, and we're celebrating holidays doing things our own way. This means I don't know what to expect. I don't know what his expectations are... I don't want to either disappoint him or make him uncomfortable either. UGH... I hate this...
So I've pulled the ring out from under the tree... I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not. I just don't know what to do.
I just thought it was a really attractive piece of men's jewelry that he could wear on his off hand and it would look great with his watch.... but I don't want him thinking it means something other than that, or that it's some kind of passive aggressive non-verbal expectation for him to buy me a similar type of gift.
Honestly, I have gift "issues" related to my disastrous previous holidays and birthdays with my ex husband. I have all this anxiety about whether or not he'll like it, or if there are expectations about how much we should have or shouldn't have spent? What if I spent way more than he did, or vice-versa, and the other person feels awkward afterwards?
In my past, gifts were tools of manipulation. Used to "buy" desired behaviors or withheld to punish. There were expectations and strings attached to EVERYTHING. He would give me a trip to Vegas with my best friend but then for months afterward would tell me I was a selfish person and a horrible mother for going. He would give me a gift certificate to a salon and then complain about having to watch the children so that I could use it, so it would sit useless until it expired. Then there was the banner year that he gave me a bathroom scale for Christmas... I had just had a baby in November...
Mostly we just didn't exchange gifts. We had gotten to the point in our marriage that we bought things for the children and then just bought something for the house that everyone could use - like a TV or a Wii or something like that. It was just easier that way and less stressful.
But now, BLT and I are starting our own traditions, and we're celebrating holidays doing things our own way. This means I don't know what to expect. I don't know what his expectations are... I don't want to either disappoint him or make him uncomfortable either. UGH... I hate this...
So I've pulled the ring out from under the tree... I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not. I just don't know what to do.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I thought we already dealt with this issue...
The past three days my TNT has had a REALLY hard time at the day care center. Her teacher said she was weepy, and anti-social. TNT is normally very social, but the past few days she has refused to participate and spent the whole time (two days in a row) crying and hiding. Then Monkey Pants, being protective of her sister, got into the act too.
I sat TNT down tonight for a long talk to get to the bottom of this behavior. It turns out that TNT and Monkey Pants decided that BLT left and would never come back. She said, "BLT left and HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!" Monkey pants said, "I miss his hugs, I'm sad."
You see, when my X lost his mind and brought that gun to my house he first tucked the kids into bed at his house, and then he never came back. He was arrested after a six hour stand off with the police, and they haven't heard from or seen him since - as he is now a guest of the state.
In their world, when someone leaves while you're asleep they just don't come back. BLT had to leave for the airport at 4:00 am, so they woke up to his absence. Instead of talking to me about it TNT got sad and then defiant. I didn't put the two together instantly because we spent months working on their separation issues. It took a long time to convince them that I would ALWAYS come back, no matter what. I thought we had worked through those fears, but apparently there are still some lingering doubts in their mind, or some fear of being abandoned.
BLT called tonight, and after I described her behavior, and what she said to me he asked to talk to both of them - he assured them that he was coming home. He told them that he missed them. It was like all the sadness just disappeared in an instant. Tonight they are painting pictures and so much more settled and content.
Apparently I'm not the only one missing him.
I sat TNT down tonight for a long talk to get to the bottom of this behavior. It turns out that TNT and Monkey Pants decided that BLT left and would never come back. She said, "BLT left and HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!" Monkey pants said, "I miss his hugs, I'm sad."
You see, when my X lost his mind and brought that gun to my house he first tucked the kids into bed at his house, and then he never came back. He was arrested after a six hour stand off with the police, and they haven't heard from or seen him since - as he is now a guest of the state.
In their world, when someone leaves while you're asleep they just don't come back. BLT had to leave for the airport at 4:00 am, so they woke up to his absence. Instead of talking to me about it TNT got sad and then defiant. I didn't put the two together instantly because we spent months working on their separation issues. It took a long time to convince them that I would ALWAYS come back, no matter what. I thought we had worked through those fears, but apparently there are still some lingering doubts in their mind, or some fear of being abandoned.
BLT called tonight, and after I described her behavior, and what she said to me he asked to talk to both of them - he assured them that he was coming home. He told them that he missed them. It was like all the sadness just disappeared in an instant. Tonight they are painting pictures and so much more settled and content.
Apparently I'm not the only one missing him.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces (OFFICIAL VIDEO) HQ
This one is for you Ethel... listen with an open heart. I love me some you...
Friday, November 19, 2010
What do you love about me?
It's a question I've wanted to ask BLT for awhile now. What do you love about me, exactly?
He tells me that I treat him better than anyone else he's ever dated. Is that love? Or are you just appreciative because all your former girl friends have been less than stellar? I mean it has to be more than that if it's going to last.
He tells me all the time how hot I am. And not just in the heat of the moment, BLT excels at showing me how beautiful he finds me. Which of course I love to hear....I am a woman after all. But beauty fades, we all know that.
So other than being hot and kind what is it? What has convinced him that we can make it for the long haul? I mean, I know exactly why I love him. His sense of humor, his appreciation of the little things in life, the fact that he's one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He's a good friend, and he's kind to his siblings and parents. He is patient with my girls, and he knows how to mix having fun with being a good role model for them. He makes me feel sexy. He says he's sorry if he makes mistakes, and he's an amazing listener.
I feel like an ass if I come right out and ask him. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments - because that's not what it's about. I just want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I need to know that it's real.
Does that make me needy? Ugh, I HATE needy people and I don't want to be that person.
He tells me that I treat him better than anyone else he's ever dated. Is that love? Or are you just appreciative because all your former girl friends have been less than stellar? I mean it has to be more than that if it's going to last.
He tells me all the time how hot I am. And not just in the heat of the moment, BLT excels at showing me how beautiful he finds me. Which of course I love to hear....I am a woman after all. But beauty fades, we all know that.
So other than being hot and kind what is it? What has convinced him that we can make it for the long haul? I mean, I know exactly why I love him. His sense of humor, his appreciation of the little things in life, the fact that he's one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He's a good friend, and he's kind to his siblings and parents. He is patient with my girls, and he knows how to mix having fun with being a good role model for them. He makes me feel sexy. He says he's sorry if he makes mistakes, and he's an amazing listener.
I feel like an ass if I come right out and ask him. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments - because that's not what it's about. I just want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I need to know that it's real.
Does that make me needy? Ugh, I HATE needy people and I don't want to be that person.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Happy Birthday to Moi
Today is my birthday. I spent it getting my depo shot (a good thing), getting the day off work (no power, so a good and a bad thing), getting my shoulder looked at (painful, but good), and getting my tetanus and flu shots (bad, but for a good cause)
When I came home my children had cleaned the house.. LOVE IT. BLT had made...what else, BLT sandwiches for dinner. Chef made my favorite dark chocolate cup cakes with cream cheese frosting.
BLT also had a picture to show me. It's my gift - which won't arrive for another few days due to bad weather in my area. It's an adorable Pink and White vintage style Schwinn bicycle. He is also going to let me pick out my favorite helmet and a basket for the front of my bike. I'll be able to ride the couple of blocks to the market each day, and all around my sweet little town on sunny days :) BLT said he planned on getting the same bike, but in black and red once it's available this spring. Then we can ride around town together - I think that's sweet.
I admit I was surprised by the gift, it's sweet and wonderful and something I've wanted for several years. However I'll be honest, it wasn't what I thought he was going to give me.
He's made a big deal lately about wanting us to get married. He said I would never guess what he planned on giving me, and he made it a point to bring my daughter to help pick it out.... so I thought there might be something round and gold coming my way.
I know it was ridiculous. I know that he loves me. I know that we've only been together for a little over a year and living together for 6 months. And I know that deep down I'm a little disappointed.
It's silly... I'm in no hurry to get remarried. I'm happy with life as it is. But I also know that I love the idea of "forever" with him... someday. So I'm being an idiot, and I can't let on that I'm disappointed. The birthday gift he picked out is very "me" and I love it.
Thank you to all my face book friends for the birthday wishes. It was very sweet and much appreciated!
When I came home my children had cleaned the house.. LOVE IT. BLT had made...what else, BLT sandwiches for dinner. Chef made my favorite dark chocolate cup cakes with cream cheese frosting.
BLT also had a picture to show me. It's my gift - which won't arrive for another few days due to bad weather in my area. It's an adorable Pink and White vintage style Schwinn bicycle. He is also going to let me pick out my favorite helmet and a basket for the front of my bike. I'll be able to ride the couple of blocks to the market each day, and all around my sweet little town on sunny days :) BLT said he planned on getting the same bike, but in black and red once it's available this spring. Then we can ride around town together - I think that's sweet.
I admit I was surprised by the gift, it's sweet and wonderful and something I've wanted for several years. However I'll be honest, it wasn't what I thought he was going to give me.
He's made a big deal lately about wanting us to get married. He said I would never guess what he planned on giving me, and he made it a point to bring my daughter to help pick it out.... so I thought there might be something round and gold coming my way.
I know it was ridiculous. I know that he loves me. I know that we've only been together for a little over a year and living together for 6 months. And I know that deep down I'm a little disappointed.
It's silly... I'm in no hurry to get remarried. I'm happy with life as it is. But I also know that I love the idea of "forever" with him... someday. So I'm being an idiot, and I can't let on that I'm disappointed. The birthday gift he picked out is very "me" and I love it.
Thank you to all my face book friends for the birthday wishes. It was very sweet and much appreciated!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Needing to feel safe.
Feeling safe is something you take for granted until that sense of security is taken away. The main reason I keep my name, home town, and my children's names anonymous is to have a sense of security. I don't share photos of what we look like or our home because, God forbid my X ever finds this blog I don't want to give too many clues as to our location.
That being said, I realize that at any point he can find me if he really wants to. Between the Internet and private detectives (which he had following me on at least one occasion I have proof of, and one more I'm sure of but have no evidence to substantiate my suspicions) Well I know there's no way that I'll ever be totally safe.
I've taken the steps to keep myself and the girls safe. My rental is set up for an Alarm system, I just have to call and have it set it. I've received my concealed carry permit, taken my shooting lessons faithfully and I feel confident that if I HAD to I could defend us. Very soon I'll be changing all my phone numbers - home, cell, kid's cell numbers. The police and schools have our new restraining orders. And lastly I've broken off contact with my former in-laws for now.
I'm not proud of the explosive way I blew up on the phone, but it's like all the anger, fear, pain, resentment, and maternal outrage just burst out of me all at once. Once I started I couldn't hold back, and everything I've wanted to say for over a year came out in a loud, ugly tirade. While I might not be proud of my behavior I do recognize that it's an important break for all of us. I can't handle the anxiety of dealing with my in-laws, AND with the X's upcoming release from Prison.
One of the things I love, love, love about my BLT is that I feel so safe when we're together. When he holds me and plays with my hair I feel like nothing could hurt the girls or I. When he says that he would move heaven and earth to keep us safe I believe him. I just hope it never comes to that.
The best gift in the world would be my X deciding he never wanted anything to do with me again. Since it's been over a year and per his last letter my kids he is still thinking about me every hour of every day - well I don't have a lot of faith in his self control or common sense.
I know that my anxiety will increase until the X is released from prison. I know that no matter what I do I'm going to have to keep working on controlling my stress responses, to keep talking and working through my fear. I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to BLT as well. I don't want to let my fears push him away when I need him the most.
That being said, I realize that at any point he can find me if he really wants to. Between the Internet and private detectives (which he had following me on at least one occasion I have proof of, and one more I'm sure of but have no evidence to substantiate my suspicions) Well I know there's no way that I'll ever be totally safe.
I've taken the steps to keep myself and the girls safe. My rental is set up for an Alarm system, I just have to call and have it set it. I've received my concealed carry permit, taken my shooting lessons faithfully and I feel confident that if I HAD to I could defend us. Very soon I'll be changing all my phone numbers - home, cell, kid's cell numbers. The police and schools have our new restraining orders. And lastly I've broken off contact with my former in-laws for now.
I'm not proud of the explosive way I blew up on the phone, but it's like all the anger, fear, pain, resentment, and maternal outrage just burst out of me all at once. Once I started I couldn't hold back, and everything I've wanted to say for over a year came out in a loud, ugly tirade. While I might not be proud of my behavior I do recognize that it's an important break for all of us. I can't handle the anxiety of dealing with my in-laws, AND with the X's upcoming release from Prison.
One of the things I love, love, love about my BLT is that I feel so safe when we're together. When he holds me and plays with my hair I feel like nothing could hurt the girls or I. When he says that he would move heaven and earth to keep us safe I believe him. I just hope it never comes to that.
The best gift in the world would be my X deciding he never wanted anything to do with me again. Since it's been over a year and per his last letter my kids he is still thinking about me every hour of every day - well I don't have a lot of faith in his self control or common sense.
I know that my anxiety will increase until the X is released from prison. I know that no matter what I do I'm going to have to keep working on controlling my stress responses, to keep talking and working through my fear. I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to BLT as well. I don't want to let my fears push him away when I need him the most.
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