She called him Daddy

BLT tucked the little ones in tonight, and TNT looked up at him with half closed eyes, and in a shy sleepy voice she said, "I love you... night night daddy..."

BLT looked up at me and he had tears in his eyes. 

I think she was testing it out to see how it felt.  Several days ago she asked me what she should call BLT now that we were going to be getting married, and I told her that she should call him whatever feels right.  I told her to continue to call him BLT if she wants to, that there are no rules about this type of thing.

I think it's sweet, and I know BLT liked it. I have no idea if she'll will continue to call him daddy, or dad... or just go back to BLT.  It will be interesting to see what she decides.

That "Love" word

I wonder sometimes if  saying something too much takes away it's power.  Words like love and hate are thrown around as though they have no meaning. 

I find that I say all the time, "I love those shoes" or "I am so in love with this cake".  Does it take away from it's strength then when I tell BLT or my children that I love them?  Surely what I feel for my kids and the man I'm sharing my life with is much deeper than the appreciation I have for cake or footwear!

The same goes for the word Hate.  There is only one person I hate.  There is only one person who's ever done my children and I so much harm, physically and emotionally that he instantly gets nothing but venom and disgust from me.  I don't want to lump any other person or thing in the same category as that worthless piece of crap.

I think I need to be more mindful of the words I say.  I feel like I need to choose more carefully so that when I say "I love you" it has real meaning.

I know you hear me... but are you listening?

Sometimes I think listening is a lost art form.  I know people hear me, but it seems that they only hear a part of what I'm saying.  Or they assume facts that I've never shared or said.  Or they plain old ignore what I've said.  Mostly these days it's my kids... and lets be honest that's what kids, especially teens, do.  I get that.  It doesn't make it any less annoying though.

BLT and I run into this.  He's not trying to be malicious.  I know this, but it's one of those annoying communication issues between men and women.  In an attempt to be supportive, and because he loves me, he says things like, "I think you're perfect just the way you are."  He doesn't hear ME and absorb what I'm feeling when I say, "I'm unhappy with the the way that I am.  I want to be healthier.  I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy."   His answer is always, "You are sexy"  but it's not about how he perceives me.  It's about how I feel in my own skin.  It's how I feel when were intimate. It's the image I see in the mirror each day.

I've run into this a LOT with my former in-laws.  They assume things I haven't said.  They don't hear the kids and I when we say that we don't want my X in our lives.  They don't hear me when I say that the kids and I are finally happy, that we truly are at home here in this small town, loving our house and the family we've turned into with BLT.  They hear what they want. They focus on the minutia and miss the big picture. 

Maybe that's just communication in general?  Maybe I'm expecting too much?  Maybe I'm not being clear? George Bernard Shaw once said that the biggest problem with communication was the impression that it has it taken place.  I think he's onto something there.

Conversations with the kid...

Inspired by QT Mama, I bring you "Conversations With The Kid".  A collection of recent conversations with my 8 year old.

TNT:  Grandma... is Papa or BLT here tonight?

Grandma:  No honey, it's just us girls tonight

TNT: COOL... we can watch movies, hang out in in our underwear... *giggle* AND GET TATTOOS!
*******************************

TNT: Mommy I don't want to eat the tomatoes, I don't like them.

Mom:  Come on, they're good for you...  They'll make your boobies grow!

TNT: I don't want boobies... I just want nipples!
********************************

BLT:  Come here and brush your hair, you look like a little hobo!

TNT: I'm not a Hobo.  I'm Home Free
*********************************

Lady in the grocery store:  Oh what a cute stuffed kitty you have there!

TNT:  Don't stare at her, she's going Comando today!!


Yes folks... my kid is weird.

Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...

This is one I'll never understand.  A few people in my life are going through this same thing.  A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship.  This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear.  Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.

Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation.  For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best.  He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't.  Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together.  She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible.  I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.

My X decided we were getting divorced.  I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact!  Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together.  When I refused he got...well, crazy.  At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me?  I don't love you.  I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together."  His reply?  "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built."  NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.

Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us?  Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things?  I personally don't get it at all.  I want to be wanted.  I need to be wanted.  

I've been ignored and it feels terrible.  And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed.  I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive.  My ego couldn't handle it.

I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse.  I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!"  is the best way to reach either of them.  And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth!  So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.

That's all I've got to offer.

Feeling Vulnerable

I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him.  If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.

I dislike this feeling.  Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days.  I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about." 

HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it.  It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep.  What if he fell in love with someone else?  What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip?  What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?

Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources.  I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night.  I was physically and emotionally damaged.  If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car. 

The idea of being back in that place is very scary.  I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT.  I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future.  I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever.  I just feel like I need some kind of  insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps.  I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.

Mostly I think I need time.  Time to finish healing.  Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail.  Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.

I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up.  Either one would work okay for me.

How does he know?

I'm not sure how BLT knows, without me telling him, what I need.  I am a complicated female and yet in some ways I'm not. I don't understand how to play games so I don't bother trying.  I don't want to expend the energy to lie, so I refuse to do so.  I tend to ask for exactly what I want, and I abhor passive aggressiveness.

Most of the time I'm not a "make love to me gently" kind of girl.  I need a certain level of intensity, roughness, and aggression to get off.  I refuse to be your mommy in bed.  If you can't figure it out then I have no time for you.  Does that make me a bitch?  I sincerely hope not, I'm just not interested in participating in a training seminar when I'm desperately striving for a bone melting orgasm (or three).

That being said, after BLT has been out of town (he's been in TN on business for four days and is finally home!)  I need that reconnection.  I need to be held close. I want to take my time, and be made love to.  Somehow he just knew.  I've never said these words out loud - and yet he gives me exactly what I need.  He says the right words.  He takes his time showing me exactly how he feels about me.  Words, touches, sighs, kisses...  perfection. Damn I missed that man.

Nobody else gets me like that.  I've never asked him... but I sincerely hope that I do the same for him.  I try to read his moods, and his body language.  I try to listen to all the things he's telling me with his actions and his words both.  Maybe that's all it is?  Maybe the key is to develop the ability to listen to what the other person is telling us even if they aren't speaking? 

Raising Teenagers

Raising teens, and tweens is such a joy...  and yes, I'm being sarcastic.

My oldest is just being a pain in the ass.  The conversation we had tonight was long, and loud.  I ended up taking her cell phone away.  While I'm holding it a text comes through from a friend.  Not really thinking about it I look down...

BOOM baby, just a whole lotta ugliness unleashed about what a horrible mom I am. How much she hates BLT and I, and how we have no right to tell her what to do, and all I should be worried about is that she gets straight A's so I should just butt out of her life.  Lovely...

After a while I went back down to her room. I told her:  "I love you, unconditionally. But I will not be abused.  I will not let you talk to me like this, or treat me like garbage. I did not have children so that I could be your slave.  I have expectations of you that you WILL meet.  You WILL change your attitude, and you will treat everyone in household with respect.  Otherwise I will drive you to school, pick you up in the afternoon and you will have absolutely no life other than school, chores, and homework.  You WILL participate in this family, and you WILL be a good role model for the younger kids. If you ever talk to me like that again you'll be grounded so long that you'll have grey hair before you see your friends again."

I told her that I'm it.  I'm the only parent she has.  I'm the one that works to feed her.  I'm the one that supports her. I'm the one that loves her unconditionally.  I'm the one who wants what's best for her.  I'm the one who sacrifices for her....  out there, in the real world, nobody gives a rats ass about your issues.  They want to know what you can do for THEM, not the other way around.  I told her that there is a statute of limitations on teenage moodiness and she's just about reached it.  After that people stop overlooking your bad behavior as an indicator of teenage angst, and then you know what you are?  You're just a bitch... and you don't want to be that kind of girl.  You don't really want to be an eye rolling, dismissive, rude, judgemental, pain in every one's ass... because that's not who you really are. 

Her answer was that she doesn't try to be rude.  My answer?  Well you sure as heck aren't trying NOT to be rude now are you... so how about we go at this from another angle.  For the foreseeable future you try NOT to be rude and we'll see how that works.

God help me...  I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated. I'm at my wits end.  I just want to understand what's going on with that kid.

A Wise Man Once Told Me...

A very wise man recently told me that "No" is a complete sentence.

I'm going to remember that.  I'm going to practice saying it.

I'm going to give myself permission to NOT elaborate, explain, defend, or feel guilty for the use of this very important sentence. Especially when dealing with my former in-laws.  MOST especially when I'm responding to my ex husband through my lawyer.

It's kind of scary... but I think I can do it!

Controling the Anxiety, Standing Up For Myself, and Not Making Plans

I've had several pretty massive panic attacks lately. I've also had several smaller, more easily controlled bouts of anxiety as well. I'm working on removing the things from my life that cause those anxious feelings, and dealing with the ones that I can't remove. What causes me the most stress is finding myself in situations where I don't have control, especially in regards to my former husband's family. I don't know what information they are funnelling to him and/or his bulldog lawyers. I can't handle having them minimize my feelings or what the kids are going through. Dealing with them at all is a huge trigger for me.


To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.


As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.


I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.


Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."


Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.

I have my first counseling appt. tomorrow

I wont go so far as to say that I'm dreading my appointment tomorrow, but in no way could I say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really good at expressing my feelings, especially in the company of strangers... at least not when I have to look at them. Talking about my fears, and revealing my insecurities to someone else makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I guess that's why I like blogging so much. It's fairly anonymous, and I don't have to look anyone in the eye or deal with uncomfortable stretches of silence.

On some level I feel silly that I can't deal with this on my own. It's not like I was beaten up on a daily basis, or chained to a wall and starved of human companionship. My counselor specializes in PTSD related to domestic violence - and I'm sure she is used to dealing with cases of women who have been truly, horrifically abused by their spouses. What I had was a single episode, and as traumatic as it was it was a single day... a moment in time. I feel weak for not being able to get over it and move on with my life.

What's odd is that I would never judge anyone else for getting counseling if they felt they needed it - and yet I'm embarrassed to be going myself. I don't want to tell anyone outside of my immediate family. I feel as though I'll be judged and found lacking, or that somehow I'll disappoint someone.

I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow night.

PTSD and My Mommy Made Me Do It...

Some of you, my dear readers and friends have mentioned that I might be suffering from some type of PTSD.

My most disruptive symptoms are: Nightmares, Frequent upsetting memories, Strong feelings of distress when reminded of the event, Irregular / fast heart rate, shaking and sweating when recalling details of the event, Difficulty falling and staying asleep, Having outbursts of anger at inappropriate times, Crying out of the blue at random times, Being hyper-focused on "fixing" things or on issues related to the court case/divorce/event, and Feelings of being totally alone and that nobody really understands what I'm going through.

Several of these are listed as classic symptoms of PTSD.

As the X's release date inches closer the children and I are all having a harder and harder time dealing with what happened and all of the changes we've had to go through since. I found a way for the kids to get free or at the least very low cost mental health counseling. Their first appointment isn't until the first week of October, but at least we are on the books and they'll be able to work through some of their fear and issues before his release if they can fit them in a few times before March.

After my break down on Friday my parents have decided...okay, my MOTHER has decided that I too need some kind of counseling. I personally think I've done very well. This was only my second real break down in a year, and the first one was actually during our separation, before he came to my house with a gun to shoot me.

My mother thinks all this "keeping it together" is really just me internalizing and trying to bury all the fear and memories of what happened. She's afraid at some point I'm going to just crack and really lose it. She called a victims advocacy group and figured out a way for me to start seeing a counselor as well. My first four visits are free, and then the advocacy group with pay 80% of the cost after that so that I can continue to get help (if need be) up until the time of his release. There is a free support group meeting each week after his release that I may or may not qualify for, to be determined by the Dr. after we have a few sessions.

I'm really not comfortable with this. I don't want to discuss it anymore. In a way I just want to forget that it even happened, but I can't. Every day there is some new disaster to deal with; lawyers - restraining orders - bill collectors - the kids fears. Something that brings it all back up over and over.

I really feel like being able to post my thoughts and fears here, in a fairly anonymous way is helping more than anything else. Just having a place to vent my frustrations relieves more pressure than anything else. It's MUCH harder and scarier to share my feelings, my guilt, my worries, and my fears aloud to someone else.

Men are so much simpler creatures

I honestly believe that. I think men have simpler needs and are better about asking for what they want. As a little girl we're taught to be nice, to consider other people's feelings. We are groomed from a young age to be nurturers and peace keepers.

"Don't make waves."
"Play by the rules"
"Don't be demanding"

Last year I was the queen of "Don't Make Waves" during my separation I agreed to move away from my family and my comfort zone to make it easier on the X to commute to work - as he was still the primary bread winner. I didn't want to make a fuss and I figured I could find work anywhere. I spend weeks separating out and packing up our belongings into boxes marked HIS and HERS. I killed myself for weeks and he didn't pack a single box. I let him bully me into having a say on where I would live, I let him threaten to take my children away, I let him manipulate me even when I knew he was following me and scary cyber-stalking behavior was going on. When the X started talking about dreaming of killing me I was told by my friends and family to get a restraining order. I was told by HIS therapist that it would make things worse...so I didn't do it... and we see how that worked out for me.

Why was I so intent on being the good girl? Why couldn't I stand up for myself, take care of my needs and tell him to go screw himself? Why would I let myself be bullied, harassed, and threatened into behaving as someone else wished? Why was I so weak?

It seems that we have a whole different set of rules for men. Growing up little boys are encouraged to be competitive and even a mild amount of regulated aggression is smiled upon. Boys are told to be leaders and to speak up.

"Don't take crap from anybody"
"Don't be a baby"
"Go get em' Tiger!"

I heard a female comedian once talk about what men need to be happy. Something along the lines of beer, boobies, and a full belly. Simple wishes. They dream of finding a woman who wants to cook them dinner and jump their bones when they're done. Can it really be that basic?

A male friend once told me that if his woman had sex with him on a semi regular basis then he felt pretty damn good about himself and he assumed their relationship was on track. If she had sex with him frequently then he knew he was a total stud. If she cooked for him, didn't nag him too much about the toilet seat, and knew how to not talk his ear off while he watched t.v. then she's probably going to be his wife someday. Simple wishes.

Women - myself included - need validation. We need to talk about our feelings, we need to feel connected. We want romance apart from sex. We want him to WANT to spend time with us, to like our friends, to hold us when we cry for no apparent reason. We are complicated.

How do we meet in the middle? How do we manage to get our complicated emotional needs met and not suffocate the man we love? How do we feel sexy, powerful, cherished, nurturing, and independent all at the same time?

How do I make sure, every day, that he knows I love him. I love him with a deep and passionate love that's new and scary for me. I love him with a comfortable, easy, gentle love that's soothing to my damaged soul? How do I ask for what I need so that I in turn know, on a daily basis, that he loves me truly and deeply as well?

Sometimes, "I love you" doesn't say enough... What are the words? Or do I, as my friend implied, accept the fact that since I fill his belly, and warm his bed on a nightly basis he's content? Is looking for something deeper a wasted effort?

I think this love business should come with an owner's manual. There are so very many ways to screw it up. One thing I do know - I'm done with not asking for what I want. I'm done allowing ANYONE to bully me. I won't keep the peace at the sake of my own sanity. This past year has taught me a lot - especially about myself. What I can survive. Whom I can depend on. What I need to be happy. These are hard learned lessons.

Whatever you say can, and will, be used against you...

Pariah: Adj. 1. An Outcast 2. A person to be avoided 3. Your former daughter in law who has moved on with her life and is living with a man other than your son.

Yep - that about covers it. Since informing my former in-laws that BLT and I are seriously involved and living together I have not heard a word from them. Seeing as how my former father in law / uncle was in constant communication up until this point it's a noticeable difference.

Monkey Pants' tuition for Kindergarten was past due, so I made a friendly "hey, in case you didn't know" telephone call and left them a message. They chose not to call back. I did receive a check in the mail - no note attached or anything. I'm being avoided - and you know what? It's FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC!!

Since I've already pissed them off it won't get any worse when they find out that I talked to my lawyer yesterday and we are going forward with requesting the judge extend the no contact order for the children for another year. It expires soon, and B.S.C (Bat Shit Crazy) ex husband wrote the children letters stating that he was working on getting permission for them to visit him. ARE YOU NUTS? Rhetorical question of course. There is no way I'm standing by and letting my four young children visit him in prison. No way, No how, Never going to happen.

Also - this would give us 7 months after his release to make sure he's going to any court ordered counseling, parole, whatever that might be required of him before he can petition the court for visitation. I think this is a good thing, he has to earn back the right to visit his kids - that's one of the consequences for his behavior. It's my job to make sure those children are protected and I will do that to the very best of my ability whether the in-laws like it or not.

So from here on out I figure it's truth time. No more avoiding them, no more discreet lies to try and salvage some king of relationship with them. I need to fully move on with my life, and that means being honest with myself and others. I don't need their approval or respect. I'll be cordial for the sake of the kids so that visits with the grandparents aren't too awkward, but that's it.

Whew...this is rather liberating! Now that they are avoiding me things are so much easier all around. This should have happened months ago!

He said, "You're going to marry me someday"

Someday, maybe... maybe not.

Is it terrible that he can say something like that to me and my first response is..."well MAYBE, maybe someday...."

He loves me. He's so confident in our future together. It's me that has all the fears and the trepidation in regards to marriage. I mean really - it's not that shocking considering the fact that it was only 11 months ago that my X went bat shit crazy and tried to shoot me.

I'm so happy with the way things are at the moment. It feels right. The kids are happy, I'm loved and feel safe and satisfied in the relationship we have exactly as it is. I don't want to screw that up. He's of the opinion that living together is trying to have your cake and eat it too, and that if I'm committed to him then he wants the whole enchilada - rings, vows, and all. He's willing to wait until I'm on board, but he's sure it's going to happen. How can he be so sure? What if we are a horrible married couple? What if we suddenly feel trapped? What if we get bored of each other or the sex starts to suck?

He's never been married. I don't think he realizes how much control and how much of your yourself you give up when you take that step. It's not about how much I love him - because that is not in doubt for me at all. It's about not loosing myself ever again. I did that once, and it was the worst feeling of my life.

He wants to give the kids a "real" family. I want to show them that you don't have to do something just because its conventional. He wants to know I'm committed to him. I want him to accept that I'm his - good times or bad and we don't need a piece of paper from the state to prove it. He wants to take care of me. I want him to know I'm strong and able of taking care of myself.

Is he unrealistic? Am I too pessimistic? Is there a way to meet in the middle? I can honestly say that this is the first time in my adult life I feel that I'm truly in love. And I love him for all the right reasons - not out of fear of being alone, or a desire to have someone take care of me. It's not about looking for the "American Dream" or feeling pressured in any way. It's about me loving the person that he is, loving who we are as a couple. It's the fact that I'm a better person when he's around. He grounds me, makes me feel calm. I'm a better mother to my girls. It's about our chemistry together - amazing sex, open communication, and finding someone who understands me.

So if that's the case, why am I afraid? Does it mean there's something wrong that I can't admit to myself? I can't figure out why the idea of marrying this AMAZING, loving, strong, sexy, talented, respectful, hard working man of my dreams scares the snot out of me!

I put on my big girl panties...

I did it. I put on my big girl panties, and made the call I have been dreading for months.

It would be far to simple to say that it was uncomfortable. To start with I'm on day three of a terrible stomach flu. In between bouts of violently throwing up I worked up the courage and made the call.

It was not well received. There were tears, there were inappropriate questions that I refused to answer.

I'm proud of myself. I stood up for myself and the girls and made sure that they knew the ONLY reason I even bothered to tell them was that I didn't want the girls to have to lie / mislead / avoid questions etc.

The first question they had was, "Is he a cop or something?" That struck me as odd, but I simply said no he wasn't. Then his mother asked; "So is he older than you... or your age?" I told her that BLT is younger than me by a few years. LOL, her reply was classic; "oh...REALLY?? Um well good for you then I guess."

About ten minutes after we hung up they called back and asked if this new significant other is, "that guy from California" apparently this information was necessary for them to determine how they were going to inform the X. One part of me wanted to tell them it was none of their business, but I figured I was already letting them know about the living situation, and they would find out soon enough so I told them that yes, my live in boyfriend is in fact "that guy from California".

This was what really tossed them over the edge. I don't think we'll be talking again any time soon. They both feel this is just too soon. They're hurt. WTF? How can two people totally outside of the situation be hurt by me moving on with my life? Get a grip... this has nothing to do with you two. Trust me, when I'm snuggled in bed at night in BLT's arms I'm certainly not thinking about my former in-laws!

So it's done. I have no idea what kind of fall-out we're going to have. X may just haul me into court. He may file false claims with child protection services to cause trouble. He may decide to have me followed by private investigators...again... His mother was going to pay for Monkey Pants to go to full time Kindy this next year. I fully expect that to be cut off, I'm just hoping I can figure out a way to pay for it since she's already registered.

So once again, life is up in the air and I'm feeling on edge. I hate just waiting for the other shoe to drop. However I did what I felt was right, so I'm not going to second guess my decision or beat myself up for it. I'm glad they finally know and the kids no longer have to be secretive.

I've made a big decision.

I'm going to call my former in laws and tell them about BLT. I've been putting it off for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's none of their business. My private life should be none of their concern. Also I know that everything gets passed onto my X in prison. Will he start trying to make my life difficult? More lawyers? False claims filed with social services about abuse or neglect? His mother and step-father punishing my children emotionally? There are a lot of possibly unpleasant outcomes.

However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.

The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.

I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.

Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.

Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.

The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.

Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.

I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."

The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!

So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.

Wish me luck!

Being content with what is...

I would not describe myself as malcontent, but I will be honest and say that I need to practice being content with the life I have built. I need to focus on the positives and stop using phrases like, "except for" and "other than" when I'm describing my life.

I tend to focus on the negative, to get wrapped up in the minutia of day to day life and loose sight of all the fun, amazing, and beautiful things around me. While my blessings are many - so are my stresses, and frequently those things that stress me out seem to over shadow the good things. I don't know why I'm like this. I want to be a positive, happy, self actualized and fulfilled person, and I know that it starts with being aware of all the blessings in my life.

So in no particular order, here are the things that are currently making me happy:

I was able to pay all my bills this month and have a little left over for the savings account.
I have a man who loves me, and some day I might just be brave enough to marry him. If I'm not brave enough, then we'll have a hell of a time living in sin!
I have a great job with tons of personal freedom.
I have a beautiful home to live in. I might even be able to purchase this home in the future if I do things just right.
I have four happy, healthy, headstrong children.
I haven't lost a lick of weight, and even though I'm struggling my man tells me every single day that I'm beautiful and sexy and desirable.
I have true friends who accept me just as I am.
I have six months before the X is out of jail.

One of the things that causes me the most stress are my former in-laws. I'm going to have to draw a line in the sand and stand firm. I let them walk all over me, say things that upset me, and pressure me with money/withholding money for my children. I need to just learn to be firmer with them and stand up for myself. I need to remember those blessings I listed above and keep my in-laws at arms length.

I think that alone will go a long way to helping me feel more content and less stressed out on a daily basis.

Dear Former In-laws...

Dear former in-laws,

Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.

You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.

When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.

Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.

Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.

What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.

I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.

I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.

I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.

I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.

Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me

The art of small talk

I've come to the conclusion that I have to re-learn how to make small talk. All of my stories involve HIM. When BLT and I are sharing stories I have this uncomfortable awareness that after spending 18 years with my X I don't have anything to talk about that does not, in some way include him.

All of my vacations were with him. All of my friends are his former friends. All of my holidays involved him. All of my traditions. All of my successes and failures in some way involved the one person I would rather never see again. I've spent far too much time in the past year crying, and stressing, and talking about him, and about what he did to me. I don't want to give him that kind of influence in my life any longer.

I need to figure out how to share parts of myself without focusing on my X. I don't want to talk about him, I don't even want to think about him. This is just one more of those weird things about divorce that nobody talks about. I mean, how do you do it? How do you figure out what to share, what to keep to yourself, and what do you do with the uncomfortable silence when you realize you've got nothing to add to a conversation that doesn't start with, "when X and I went to ____" or "during the holidays X and I used to do such and such."?

And good lord, what do you do when your children want to talk about their father? Talk about uncomfortable. The other night at dinner the kids were asking who OJ Simpson was. We explained that he was a sports star who turned pseudo actor, who many people think killed his ex wife. At that point TNT said "oh like how my daddy tried to kill my mommy" It was absolutely silent. I had no idea what to say. I mean how does one recover and make polite chit chat after THAT?