It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.





Friday, August 27, 2010

I've made a big decision.

I'm going to call my former in laws and tell them about BLT. I've been putting it off for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's none of their business. My private life should be none of their concern. Also I know that everything gets passed onto my X in prison. Will he start trying to make my life difficult? More lawyers? False claims filed with social services about abuse or neglect? His mother and step-father punishing my children emotionally? There are a lot of possibly unpleasant outcomes.

However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.

The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.

I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.

Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.

Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.

The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.

Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.

I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."

The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!

So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.

Wish me luck!

5 comments:

  1. I'm here for ya and wishing you strength and good luck on this.

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  2. Holy Hell Batman! I am so sorry that you are having to deal with an Ex-MIL like this.

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  3. Wow - this is a tough one. Good luck and keep us posted.

    *hugs*

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  4. Good luck! Hopefully it will go better than you expect.

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