It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Bitter Divorcee Poetry

I'm having one of those weeks where I'm so pissed off at my Ex-Con loser of an Ex Husband. So in his honor I present Bitter Divorcee Poetry.

I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have a buzzard peck his eyes out tonight.

Or the ever classy;

Roses are Red
His eyes are blue
I hope he gets Herpies
And genital warts too.

Hey I claimed to be bitter, not that my poetry would be any good!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Disney Recap

Well we made it back safe and sound.  The weather held up for the first three days, but day four had record breaking rains, floods, and lightening storms.  We stayed the whole day in the parks, but it was wet, cold, and we all looked more than a little pathetic. It took three hours in the hotel clothes dryers to get our shoes dry enough to wear the next day. 

All in all it was a good trip.  We laughed, and the kids and I spent some much needed time together. Traveling with four children is a unique challenge.  We did pretty well, especially once I chilled out a bit and just decided to go with the flow, as the saying goes.  I had to relinquish a little control, and let thing happen in a more organic way.  It was impossible to stick to my "list" and I was making us all nuts so I had to just loosen up.  It was good for me - and the kids!

I packed my camera and took a few hundred shots - but I had the most fun with the video camera built into my iPhone.  I kinda have a love affair with my new phone anyway... but the ability to take video of the kids on the rides just rocks!

Plus BLT and I were able to be in frequent contact and I sent plenty of photos and video back to the grandparents too.  Speaking of grandparents - my mom and day paid for the kids to do one of those Character Breakfasts in Ariel's Grotto.  They LOVED it.  The meal was fantastic and there was lots of personal one on one time with the characters.  It was pretty fantastic!

I won't bore anyone with further details - I know looking at other people's vacation photos is about as exciting as watching paint dry, and hearing the minute details of said trip is even less thrilling! I'm happy to be home - even though work this week was exhausting  - and I have lots on my mind that I want to write about when I get back into the groove of things here at home.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

On our way!

Let the adventure begin! We are currently at the airport waiting for our flight. Being the anal retentive traveler that I am I woke everyone up at 3:30 this morning and made sure we were on the road within the hour. I failed to take into account that at that time of day there is no traffic! So we arrived at the airport three hours before our flight.

We made it through security in record time because they directed us to the Family Travel line instead of the hour long standard inspection line. So that means even with a bathroom break and a stop at Starbucks we have two hours until we take off.

The two little ones are already bored and making me nuts. Wish me luck, I may need it!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Disney Bound...

Only a couple more days and the kids and I will be in Disneyland!

Four kids and one mom in the happiest place on earth... yes...I packed Tylenol.  If I could get away with it I might pack Vodka!

I do have to admit though that I adore Disneyland.  I love the characters, the whimsy, the rides, the nostalgia, the shopping for things to bring home to my nieces and nephews, the food, the rides... and did I mention the rides? I just love the whole package.

Not to mention the sun!!  Oh Lord this pasty Irish lass is vitamin D deficient.  I need some fun in the sun in the worst way.  I keep checking the temperature to make sure it's still in the mid 70's.  The idea of a whole day out of the wet snow and rain I have been living in for several long months is enough to make me sigh out loud.

Wish me luck.  I have to finish packing and get everything ready. It's going to be a busy week!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Mmmm... Spuds....

Yesterday was my father's birthday dinner.  He said he didn't want anything too elaborate.

I decided to take a suggestion Ethel made a while ago and run with it.  I made up a baked potato bar.  I baked up about 16 nice large russet potatoes.  Then I set out steamed broccoli, different cheeses, butter, sour cream, chives, bacon bits, salsa, little sausage bits, and several other toppings. 

I also made a large green salad, set out some fresh berries and grapes, and served my dad's favorite seven layer dip and chips for an appetizer while I got dinner ready.

It was a hit.  He was a very happy man!  There was carrot cake for dessert, cards and gifts were opened, and BLT even got him a six pack of his favorite non-alcoholic beer (due to his Lupus meds my dad had to give up all alcohol... and he misses his beer.  We found him his favorite brand in a non alcoholic version!) to enjoy with dinner.

I think we all had a good time. My house is spic and span clean from the party prep, and I made one of the people I love most in the world very happy.  I'll call that a success!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Coffee, Cake, and Clarity...

Okay, it was actually Coffee, PIE and Clarity - but I just dig repetitive sounds so there ya go!

I met with Ethel on Friday night for some coffee and pie and conversation.  I'm trying hard to be a good friend to both her and Fred, her Mister, but it's a tenuous place to be at.  It's also really hard for me to understand all the dynamics of what's going on. I also just don't do the "lie to make you feel better" kind of thing. It's just not me.  If you ask for my input you'll get it.  Not to be cruel - I just don't think real friends lie to each other, even if it's something you don't really want to hear. 

Ethel found out that Fred is, once again...or perhaps better described as STILL, telling lies and doing shady things behind her back.  He always has an excuse.  He always denies and deflects, and hides what's really going on - and in the past it's always worked.  For whatever reason Ethel decided she wanted to salvage her marriage.  She forgave. She overlooked the obvious. She made excuses to herself and others. She went to counseling. She bought self help books.  She allowed herself to be bullied. She prayed, and cried, and wrote about her feelings on her blog.

So now we are - once again at a Cafe late in the evening while I hear Ethel say that she knows her marriage is sick and she doesn't have it in her to fight anymore.  She's doesn't care enough to keep hurting, and she wants to get a separation.  But it's still there... this guilt, this co-dependence that makes her want to please him, to tell him that they might be able to work it out with space and time.  Just hearing her say, "I just don't know what I want.  Maybe in a year or two I would be willing to let him back into my life but I doubt it."  is kind of horrifying to be honest.  How in the hell can you consider letting someone who treats you like this have any part in your life?  How do you not hate, with every breath, someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally abused you, physically intimidated you, made you doubt your value and your appeal?  How do you still have room in your heart for that person?  It sounds warped to me. I want to be a good friend and I want to be supportive, but I'm just not able to comprehend it on any level.  Those are not behaviors you would accept from a co-worker, casual friend, or distant relative...but you'll accept it from the person that stood before family, friends, and god and promised to love, cherish, and honor you?  What??? 

I want her to know her value.  I want both of them to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and to be good examples to their kids.  I want happiness for both of them.  I just have NO faith that they can do that together as a couple.  Whatever his issues are, plus whatever her issues are equal one giant dysfunctional mess.

I'm worried.  I've actually been up several nights worrying about her safety - physical and emotional.  Mr Fred declares that he finally understands how she feels.  Now he wants to work on their marriage.  Now that Ethel told him he has to move out in two weeks, and now that she isn't crying anymore, or telling him she wants to work on this... NOW he decides he can't do this alone.  He's in desperation mode.  Desperate people do unpredictable things.  He refuses to believe it's too late.  He can't see that he's caused so much damage.  I've tried explaining this - as kindly as possible, while being totally honest with him.  But he doesn't hear it yet.  He's not at that place yet, and he might not be for a really long time. 

That leaves Ethel and Fred stuck in the same house together until they have the money for him to move out.  That means that Ethel is under constant stress and pressure from Fred to "try again".  That means that there is a very good chance (looking at their history together) that Ethel will give in to her co-dependency and let Fred stay.  I honestly think it's 50/50 as to whether or not she'll really make him move out, much less follow through with a separation and not let him beg his way back into the house in a short period of time.   They've ridden this twisted little carousel ride before and she didn't follow through - and here they are again.

I wish life weren't so confusing and messy.  I wish I had the ability to make this easier on all of them - especially their kids.  It has to be confusing to have dad move out, come right back, have all this stress in the house, then move back out again....  It's hard on all of them and I'm pretty much powerless to make it any better.

This whole thing just sucks ass.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Feeling Vulnerable

I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him.  If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.

I dislike this feeling.  Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days.  I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about." 

HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it.  It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep.  What if he fell in love with someone else?  What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip?  What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?

Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources.  I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night.  I was physically and emotionally damaged.  If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car. 

The idea of being back in that place is very scary.  I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT.  I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future.  I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever.  I just feel like I need some kind of  insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps.  I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.

Mostly I think I need time.  Time to finish healing.  Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail.  Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.

I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up.  Either one would work okay for me.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

It came... and went....

Today was the day.  His release from prison.  At this moment he's at his mom's house, all comfy and being coddled like some prodigal son.

And you know what?  I didn't really think about it all day.  I've been working my ass off at a local trade show.  I spent all week last week prepping for it.  I spent all day Friday setting up my booth and attending the trade show banquet.  I spent all day Saturday and Sunday hawking my wares, smiling until my cheeks hurt, and making nice with the show attendees.    Not once during the day did he cross my mind.  No panic attacks.  No hysterics or paranoia.

The next week is going to be VERY busy.  This was, by far, one of our most successful trade shows ever. BLT and I kicked some major butt - today alone we took in over 3K in orders... that's right... THREE THOUSAND dollars baby!  We did at least a thousand the day before as well.  Some of our products sell for only 13 - 15 dollars each - so that's a LOT of product ordered and moved this weekend.  Next weekend will be spent cutting, packing, and shipping those orders. 

The following week I'm off to Disneyland with my four kids for five days of fun in the sun!

I don't have the time to worry about him.  And you know what?  I don't WANT to worry about him.  I know he's out there somewhere.  I know that he may try and come around.  I refuse to change my life.  I refuse to be terrified.  I refuse to let him win by not enjoying my life and my well earned successes.  Screw him. 

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support.  I thought this was going to be a very anxiety inducing weekend, and it turns out that it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.  Having good friends, and my family around me has made all the difference.  Whewww...   I'm exhausted!  Off to bed, because next week is going to be a killer!