I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him. If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.
I dislike this feeling. Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days. I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about."
HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it. It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep. What if he fell in love with someone else? What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip? What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?
Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources. I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night. I was physically and emotionally damaged. If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car.
The idea of being back in that place is very scary. I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT. I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future. I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever. I just feel like I need some kind of insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps. I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.
Mostly I think I need time. Time to finish healing. Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail. Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.
I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up. Either one would work okay for me.