It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Feeling Vulnerable

I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him.  If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.

I dislike this feeling.  Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days.  I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about." 

HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it.  It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep.  What if he fell in love with someone else?  What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip?  What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?

Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources.  I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night.  I was physically and emotionally damaged.  If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car. 

The idea of being back in that place is very scary.  I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT.  I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future.  I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever.  I just feel like I need some kind of  insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps.  I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.

Mostly I think I need time.  Time to finish healing.  Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail.  Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.

I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up.  Either one would work okay for me.


  1. I think the important thing to remember (and this is meant to be a comfort, not a further worry) is that NONE of us have any guarantees in life. The future isn't promised to anyone....all we can do is keep pressing forward and hope for the best.

    I do understand your anxiety, though....and my only advice is for you to do your best to manage it, not allow it to control you.


  2. I think a lot of that anxiety is part of and parcel of the PTSD that you are working through. But who am I to be handing out a diagnosis? No one *watery smile*. Some of it could be related to, hang on with me here, how long you stayed with X in order to maintain financial security. You've gone from being controlled by the threat of financial insecurity, to homeless, to a shaky financial independance, to this place you are now where to an exent you need BLT's income to maintain your current lifestyle. Who wouldn't have psychological whiplash? It's been a really short amount of time all things considered?

    I think, and this is a theme, that you need to keep working on your patience and gentleness with yourself as you heal.

    I've always known you to be a capable, independant woman. This is difficult to type. When you were with X so much of that fire got snuffed. On one hand he had you believing that you wern't worthy, capable,etc and yet he relied so heavily on your capabilities. You ran that household, handled the budget, and did EVERYTHING. To borrow a term from another was one big MINDFUCK. Verbally and non verbally he said, "here, you do everything so I don't have to be responsible when it goes wrong." BUT, "oh wait, you aren't as important as I am, you are nothing without me, you don't make any money so your contribution isn't as important...." etc and so on. MINDFUCK.

    Just keep working on it, be patient, love that man who is so awesome by your side and yeah, be a bit vulnerable. You have a safety net, non of us who love YOU are going anywhere.

    And yeah, hopefully this all makes sense later this morning.

  3. So make a plan.

    While you're there, while he's with you, while it's rumbling in your head, make a plan. Get a budget together to pay off the debt. Get a life insurance policy on BLT if you can. Work out what plan will bring you peace.

    Then let it go.

    That's all that you can do. Breathe. Learn to live with the uncertainty. If I spent time thinking about it, I'd be stressed too!

    Instead I try to control what I can and let God handle the rest. Honestly.

    Love to you!

  4. T has some great ideas. And I think you;re right about needing time too. You clearly don't have closure on the X situation. Maybe focus on how BLT is different and stronger and NOT manipulative and really loves you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship.

    Believe what Ethel is telling you too. who knows you better than her?

  5. I felt the same what if's with my now husband almost 9 years ago when we met. I felt I wasn't worthy of being happy and who was I to be happy? I didn't want him just up and leaving me, I wanted him to be certain he wanted to be with me for the right reasons and not for the reasons that every other douchebag before him broke my heart.

    When we argue, I sometimes revert back to the old me and wonder why the hell he's with me, why the hell do I deserve to be happy.

    It's something that you'll probably always have to work out in your own time and space, but it gets better. Slowly, you surrender and realise that not everyone is out to get you and hurt you.

    I'm so very sorry all the shit you went through with your ex, it all sounds so surreal, almost like a movie, but to you, a fucked up terrifying movie that you were in. xoxoxxo my very best wishes dear!

  6. I'd say it's reasonable to feel the way you're feeling given the circumstances. You don't want to feel like you have to lean on that crutch but your past is part of who you are. And you're right, time heals (most) all wounds. If I were in a relationship and my partner was concerned about the 'future' from a monetary perspective I'd like to think I'd be open to discuss ways to mitigate that angst.

  7. Thank you all for taking a few minutes to reply. I have decided to see a financial planner when I get back from my vacation next week.

    I'm going to make a plan to get some money into savings and pay off all my debts. This is something I can control that will make me feel less vulnerable. This is something that I can do to take back my power.

  8. Kudos to you on taking practical steps to feel in control. I have a "kind" of post traumatic stress thingy going on as well. I tend to call it abandonment issues. Having been left, I'm afraid it could happen again like getting rear ended...once it happened I flinched every time I heard breaks for a good long while. But with time comes trust. And knowing you have resources helps a lot. Thank you for visiting my blog. I will keep reading yours!