It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Little Annoyances

I'm having one of those weeks where everything annoys me. In no particular order I am irritated as hell by:

My X

My Former In Laws

The Cost of Gas

My Financial Worries

My Landlords Raising My Rent 200.00 per month

The Royal Wedding  (I just couldn't care less and I'm tired of seeing it all over the TV)

My BFF's soon to be Ex Husband... man he's high on the list actually...

My Slow Weight Loss (I'm fairly close to my goal weight and it's coming off slower than I would like)

My Idiot Dogs

My X - ya he was already mentioned, but damn he irritates me so much I have to give him another slot on the list.

Add to all of this I have insomnia and my boobs are SUPER sore this week.  I have no idea why, but I want to crawl out of my skin.  The girls be hurtin!  I'm sure it's a combo of stress and hormones. 

I'm sure all of this annoyance will pass. It always does.  I tend not to hold onto things for too long.  Until it does pass however I highly recommend that everyone just avoid me like the plague.  I'm really cranky and I have the distinct impression that I have no sense of humor at the moment.  My poor kids... and BLT too.  They are all just giving me a wide berth this week.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Getting What I Asked For

In so many good ways I've gotten what I asked the Cosmos for.  I have a man who loves me. I have a stunning sex life.  My kids are happy and settled.  I have an amazing vintage cottage in a beautiful little town to live in.  I have steady employment that I enjoy. 

However, I've also gotten some of the things I asked for that turned out not so good.  See, I just kept repeating "All I want is for him to leave us alone. I wish he would ignore us, and act like we don't exist." Well I got my wish, but now I understand that I might have spoken too soon.  See... what I should have said is that I don't want to have to spend any time with him.  I don't want him to use my kids to hurt me.  I do however wish that he had to pay child support. Raising four kids alone is really hard.

My youngest needs $800.00 worth of dental care immediately.  I can't even ask my douche of an Ex-Husband for help because of the restraining orders, and because there is no child support ordered by the family courts yet I can't even send a request for help to him through lawyers.  I am totally on my own here - as usual.  I applied for Care Credit - a line of credit for medical bills and was denied due to bad credit.  My nearly 1/2 a million dollar home went into foreclosure when the X went to jail.  My once great credit is destroyed.  I can't even get a high interest credit card at this point.

I humbled myself and asked my former in-laws for help.  Even though they have a crap-load of money they declined, in a very snotty fashion to help out.  All their promises about doing anything to help the kids was a total lie.  They want to punish me by denying my kids help... it's the same shit it always was.  They have money - and they use it to control and punish the people around them. Their grandchildren are just casualties in this whole messy war that's been declared against me because I had the nerve to walk away from their precious boy.

So I don't know what to do.  I'm taking some designer handbags to a resale shop... the owner said she would be interested in them.    I have one last jewelry item I'll pawn...  and a good 50 dollars worth of books to sell to the used book store.  That gets me a little closer to my goal. 

I guess what burns me the most is that my in laws would have given my X the money in a heart beat...  no matter what it's for.  A new Xbox 360 and games? Done.  All new clothing post jail? Done.  A new car? Done.  Money for a lawyer? Done.   But they won't give it or loan it to me for our 6 year old's teeth.  Just to be cruel.

I guess that will teach me to be careful what I ask for...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I need a vacation from my life...

Anyone want to join me somewhere warm? I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I've been working a lot, and with the Easter holiday tossed in there I've run myself ragged.

There is no rest for the wicked though. I have a full work week ahead of me as well as a doctor appt for Lady Bug, an appt to get my snow tires removed, a get together at my girlfriend's house, a therapy appointment, a sleepover at my house for my 3 nieces, and I REALLY need to get my ass in gear and exercise more regularly!

Whew... I want to say "the hell with it" and run off to some tropical island for a week of sleeping in, adult beverages, and dirty hotel sex!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Conversations with the kid...

Inspired by QT Mama, I bring you "Conversations With The Kid".  A collection of recent conversations with my 8 year old.

TNT:  Grandma... is Papa or BLT here tonight?

Grandma:  No honey, it's just us girls tonight

TNT: COOL... we can watch movies, hang out in in our underwear... *giggle* AND GET TATTOOS!

TNT: Mommy I don't want to eat the tomatoes, I don't like them.

Mom:  Come on, they're good for you...  They'll make your boobies grow!

TNT: I don't want boobies... I just want nipples!

BLT:  Come here and brush your hair, you look like a little hobo!

TNT: I'm not a Hobo.  I'm Home Free

Lady in the grocery store:  Oh what a cute stuffed kitty you have there!

TNT:  Don't stare at her, she's going Comando today!!

Yes folks... my kid is weird.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Things you never want to see at the Goodwill

The other day Ethel and I were joking about things you just don't want to see for sale at the thrift store. It got me thinking of some of my recent bargain hunting trips and the truly odd, useless, and just yucky stuff you can find. 

Sex Toys, Lube, Massage Oils and other adult play things - Really this is just self explainatory.

Lingerie - Scary, but we actually see this all the time.  Like anyone wants used skivvies, just EWW.

BAAAAD Art - While it's true beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some stuff is just so ugly it's trash worthy, no way around it. 

Dot matrix printers - yes I actually saw one.  I mean who is going to use that?

Depends or Toiletries - these items aren't that expensive.  I can't imagine buying half a bottle of lotion that's God only knows how old, or a package of six tampons.  And used combs and hairbrushes? Another YUCK, thank you very much.

Mismatched shoes - yep, I was in a small, independantly owned thrift store once and they were selling bags of mis matched shoes.  HUH?  I mean, if I was one legged maybe that would be quite the bargain, but as I have been blessed with two feet I kind of like to wear shoes in a matched set!

Last, but not least...  Yes I found this once...

Dentures.  Yep...  someone else's teeth.   They were in a little box.  I don't think whoever priced the box realized they were in there, because the dope fiends that price things at my local thrift stores would charge WAY more than the 2.99 they were asking for the box had they known there were some primo canines and molars inside.  I mean, they ask five bucks for a shirt from Walmart that only cost six dollars brand new... teeth with some nice yellow staining have to be worth at least 10.00 right?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Letter to Ethel...

My dearest best friend.  I am afraid.  The recent events between you and Fred frighten me.  I'm worried about so many things, it's hard to figure out where your issues start and mine end.  It's all mixed up in my head... his issues, your issues.  I know your husband is not the same person as the man I was married to... but I see so many similarities it's just scary.  I want to fly instantly into protection mode.

I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.

I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.

I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.

I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

I'm scared of making it worse.

I'm scared of change.

Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.

I love you,

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Lawyer and the Landlord

I hired a new lawyer today.  She's pretty fierce -  kinda scary actually.  She's perfect!  She also understands that I'm broke, and she asked for a micro-scopic retainer.   We've decided that our best course of action at this point is inaction.  We've receive no summons to appear in court - the Order of Protection for the kids is in full effect still, and I have full custody with no change in sight.  We are not going to do a thing.  I don't want anything from him other than to be left alone - so we will wait and see how he proceeds.  Should I be contacted again by his slimy dirt bag lawyer then my council will take over.  Should we receive a summons we will respond accordingly.

I feel good about this tactic.  You see my X makes lots, LOTS of threats and noise... but he only acts on a quarter of what he spews forth.  So there is a good chance that he's doing just that, making noisy threats.  If it becomes more than that then we have a plan of attack and my lawyer knows what my end goals are in regards to the kids.  So I'm totally broke now, all of my meager savings went into the retainer...but it was worth it.  A fresh set of eyes on my case, a solid plan, and someone located closer to home to handle everything.  WHEWWWW is that a load off my mind.

I'm happy to report that the yearly inspection with my landlord was a success.  My rent went up 200.00 since she found out BLT moved in, and honestly she had lowered it for me when I was raising four kids on a single income. That increase is going to be hard on the budget, but there's nothing we can do about it.  So the new lease is signed and we got permission to put raised garden beds in the back yard.  The kids and I are looking forward to getting these in as soon as possible.  I would love to get some fruits and veggies planted, as well as sunflowers and some herbs for cooking.

It's been a good couple of days, but exhausting ones.  I ended up working on Sunday to get caught up on some big orders at work.  I'm ready for a weekend... and it's only Monday!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I need a legal eagle

I'm frustrated, scared, and more than a little on edge this week.  Ever since my X showed up at the kids school two weeks ago, a blatant violation of the restraining order, I've been trying to contact my lawyer.  I've left messages and emailed numerous times and haven't been able to get a hold of her.

The one thing I hate more than anything else is being ignored.  This is the one thing that is sure to raise my anxiety level. When I'm scared and stressed out I need to know what the next step is.  I need to be able to plan, and prepare myself for what's coming up. Obviously I can't do that if she won't communicate with me.

I received a call today from my X's new attorney.  Apparently she has paperwork for me and has been unable to contact my legal council either.  I looked up my X's new attorney online and found out she's been fined and cited by the Bar Association for unethical behavior.  Her website claims that she specializes in domestic violence and custody battles.

Explain to me why he got a lawyer who specializes in DV when he's the one who went to prison for assault?  Never mind, I know the answer.  He threatened all along to sue me for custody, take my kids, and disappear so that I can never see them again.  He's been making lots of noise about getting the kids removed from the TRO (temporary restraining order) because his version of reality is that the only reason he went to jail was because I lied, and he's the real victim.

Oh yes... that six hour stand off with the SWAT team and that loaded shot gun were all just one big misunderstanding.  And me running through the streets naked in the wee hours of the morning?  What was that?  My new exercise plan?

Can you feel my blood pressure rising?  Because it is... My heart is pounding, I'm sweating.  I feel faintly nauseous, and I'm trying hard to keep my cool.  PTSD is a bitch.  I'm going to breath.  I'm going to focus on what I can control this very minute.  I wish it worked better - but it's what I've got to work with.

Well today I finally got an email from my current lawyer.  She's having serious health issues and promised to answer calls and emails when she could.  I decided to let her know that I made an appointment for a consultation with another lawyer.  I explained that my X is claiming that BLT and I are junkies, and that he's trying to get the TRO lifted.

If you knew me you would laugh.  You'll have to believe me when I tell you that I don't smoke, I drink very lightly and only socially.  I'm such a control freak that I chose natural child birth FOUR times instead of filling my body with pain killing drugs.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  This is just an attempt to mess with me and make my life difficult.  I need someone who is able to deal with this issue right away.... plus my current lawyer's office is a three hour drive from my new house.  It's too hard to spend the entire day in traffic to sign papers or have a meeting.   I'm hoping she understands, because I really do like her and I don't want any hard feelings between us.  She's done so much for the kids and I already... but I have to look out for our best interests and there is an immediate threat to our happiness and safety.

The thing that scares me the most is that I don't know how he could possibly have a leg to stand on - but if this dirty lawyer took his case she must have some reason to think that my X stands a chance of getting either visitation or custody.  The idea is terrifying to be honest, and I'm choosing not to discuss this with the kids right now. All of them have told their therapist that they don't want to see him, and I've told his family this - but they don't care.  It's not about us, or what's best for the kids... it's all about my X and what he wants.

Life just started to settle down for us.  We're happy, we're all healing emotionally, and life has been really good lately.  Now he's going to mess everything up.  His mommy's deep pockets ensure that he has the resources to keep me tied up in court for years while I go bankrupt trying to protect us.  He isn't working, so he has plenty of time to devote to making our lives hell. 

It all feels very threatening and scary right now.  It's times like these that I want to pull the covers over my head and eat my way into a chocolate coma.  It's just my luck that I chose last weekend to join Weight Watchers with Ethel so that I can get the 20 lbs off I packed on during my divorce.  Isn't that just Murphy's Law?

Friday, April 8, 2011

A Tasty Blog

Love this baking blog... take a peek if you're also an enthusiast of all things warm and fresh from the oven.

BEAUTIFUL photos too!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...

This is one I'll never understand.  A few people in my life are going through this same thing.  A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship.  This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear.  Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.

Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation.  For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best.  He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't.  Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together.  She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible.  I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.

My X decided we were getting divorced.  I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact!  Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together.  When I refused he got...well, crazy.  At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me?  I don't love you.  I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together."  His reply?  "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built."  NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.

Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us?  Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things?  I personally don't get it at all.  I want to be wanted.  I need to be wanted.  

I've been ignored and it feels terrible.  And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed.  I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive.  My ego couldn't handle it.

I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse.  I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!"  is the best way to reach either of them.  And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth!  So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.

That's all I've got to offer.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Let the dance begin...

I knew in my heart that it was only a matter of time before my X violated the restraining order that was issued for my children and I. I just hoped that going to prison was enough of a deterant to delay the inevitable for awhile. That was wishful thinking on my part.

You see my X is a narcissist, he believes he's the smartest man in the room, and he's usually right. But his downfall is that he has no people skills. He is anti-social and conceited. He doesn't feel as though he did anything wrong, so the rules don't apply to him. Only that conceit makes him predictable, and his total lack of interpersonal skills makes it hard for him to predict others behavior. He assumes people will do what he wants, or give him what he thinks he is owed, and when that doesn't happen he doesn't adjust his plans accordingly, he just can't.

That's how he ended up in prison. He never imagined I would stand up to him and call the police. He assumed I would roll over and beg for my life when I saw the gun. He didn't think I would run.

Well my therapist called it when she gave him 30 days before he violated the restraining order. Friday, 26 days after his release he was seen by two separate witnesses at my kid's school. The police were called. The school went into lock down, and a search was made of the entire town. Only they couldn't find him so they can't to a thing about it. It's frustrating, they have to catch him in the act or they can't send him back to jail.

So here we go again. I've heard this music before, and I've done this sick little dance with him. It starts with the phone calls, Check. Then it's coming around where he's not supposed to, Check. Next will be the cyber stalking or following us around. He can't help himself.

And so the dance begins until he messes up and gets caught. Or until he shows up at my house again with a gun. Only this time I'm not running. This time I'm prepared and capable of defending myself. Either way this ends, it won't be good for any of us. Any way this plays out my kids suffer. They don't have their father in thier life.  They don't get any child support and financially things are hard for us. Worse case sceanario has me shooting the idiot when he shows up at my house in order to defend us. It kills me knowing that the lesser of two evils is my only option when dealing with my X, because there is no good outcome possible.  He's put this in motion by not getting counseling, by not working, and by defying the judges orders and coming near us.

I'm just so frustrated and angry about all of this I can hardly talk about it without having a massive headache or anxiety attack. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I honestly wish he would just do what he's supposed to do and leave us alone, get a job, pay his child support, and for one nano-second take into consideration what is in their best interest.

Friday, April 1, 2011

It's just a piece of paper.

I am acutely aware that the restraining order against my X is nothing more than a piece of paper. My X was released from prison on the 6th of March. Starting on the 9th I began receiving calls at work where someone just breaths on the other end. No speaking, no other noises. In less than a month I have received 10 of these calls.

Last night I received the same kind of call on my cell phone. That number is unlisted. I just changed carriers and got a new number a few days before his release. How did he get my number?

Why won't he leave me alone? I can't go through this again. I know it's him, and it's a viation of my restraining order, but he's smart enough to use a blocked or unavailable number. I can't prove it, so there is nothing I can do except sleep with my .38 under my pillow and pray to God that tormenting me via the phone gives him a big enough thrill that he doesn't come looking for me or my kids.

I have a sinking feeling thatvthis is the beginning of something very bad.