It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I want him in my space.

The BLT called me just now. His request for time off was approved through work. He will be purchasing his plane ticket in the next day or two, he'll be here the third week of March.





This is big for me, huge actually. The idea is both scary and thrilling. On one level I really needed this from him. I needed him to take this step, to come to me instead of having me come to him again. I need to spend more than 48 hours with him.

I need to see him in my space - smell him on my pillow, to get an idea of what that is like. I've always been the guest, never the host. I've never had any other man in my personal space/bedroom other than my X. I want to make love to him in my own bed, make his breakfast in my kitchen, show him my town and where I work. I want to take him to my favorite restaurant, and show off the mountain view from my window over morning coffee. I want to share all these small unexplored parts of my life with him.

But at the same time I'm scared. His opinion of me means everything. On some level I don't want him to see where I live, how I'm struggling here in this very tiny little duplex. I'm embarrased that I can't do better for my girls on my own. If he were to be disappointed in me it would hurt like hell.

What if's start creeping in... What if he hates where I live? What if he hates my dogs? What if he's not comfortable here? What if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, What if he doesn't like what I cook him for dinner?

Do I pull out all the stops, hoping to impress? Or does that look silly and desperate?

Good God, did he have all these same worries when I came to him the first time? Or as a man, does his brain just work differently?

No matter how many "what if's" come knocking at my door, he's coming. He'll be here in a month... and ready or not, my heart just about beats out of my chest just thinking about it. In a good way, a tickly-nervous in the belly, anticipation sort of way.

I guess in a month we'll find out...

Friday, February 26, 2010

A User Manual...

I wish I could type up a user manual for the BLT. A little list of the do's and don'ts I wish I had the guts, or the words, or the ability to express to him.

Here is a User Manual for your new 1970's model "L.O.M" (Little Ol' Me)

1. Your new LOM is all bark and no bite. Do not be put off by any ranting you may hear at other drivers, inconsiderate family members, and horrible waiters. She tends to make a bit of noise and then settle down as soon as it's out of her system.

2. Your LOM does NOT expect or want for you to solve all her problems. She tells you about her struggles because she trusts you. All she wants you to do is listen, and if she asks for your opinion give it to her honestly. She is not a child, she doesn't need a Knight in Shining Armor... she just wants a partner who will support her when she's having a hard time.

3. Your model of LOM is slightly neurotic. Yes she likes her movies alphabetized, yes she likes to color code her clothing in the closet and only uses one specific type of hanger. If you're going to be a part of her life, don't make fun of her for this, just accept it. In other areas of her life she's a total wreck and his gives her some sense of control and order. It makes her happy.

4. Your LOM has had a horrible, HORRIBLE, time with giving / receiving gifts in the past. She doesn't hold you to the same low standards, but gift giving makes her distinctly uncomfortable and she's not sure what the rules are, as you are her first boyfriend since she was in High School. Help her out, give her ideas. Be aware that she'll make mistakes. She wants the types of gifts from you that say you know who she is as a person. That you find her interesting, sexy, and fun. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GIVE YOUR L.O.M. PEACH BATH OR BODY PRODUCTS. It doesn't even really matter why...just don't do it.

4. Your LOM may come across as sexy and self confident, but inside she's shaking in her boots. She NEEDS to hear that you desire her. She needs you to reach out and hold her hand in public. She needs to know you think about her during the day. Tell her... show her... be present and verbal, because her X was neither of those things and she really needs that reassurance right now.

5. Your LOM is very bad at asking for help. She'll struggle, and suffer before she asks for help. Don't let her get away with this. If you know she needs you... step up. Be the man she needs in her life, the one who just gets done what needs to get done without having to be asked all the time, because she won't ask...she'll just seeth inside about it. Right or wrong, call it a design flaw if you want, that's just how this model of female works.

6. The following things will turn off your LOM faster than anything else: Whining about not getting enough sex. Tighty Whities. Cigarette Breath. Mean Drunks. Any porn featuring Ron Jeremy, and last but not least the scent of peach body products (see warning above)

7. It is the little things that matter most to your LOM. She was not treated with respect or much kindness in the past. Hold the door for her, make her dinner, mix her a CD for the car of music you know she loves, watch a movie with her and get her a bag of peanut m&m's. She does not respond as well to large, lavish gestures as she will to something personal and heartfelt.

8. Your LOM went for years without hearing she was beautiful or desirable. She is trying to discover that part of herself again, and hearing it from your lips sends a little thrill up her back. Tell her if you think she looks good, smells good, hell even if you just like the color of her shirt. She craves this reassurance from you.

9. This model of female is not your "typical" L.O.M. She does not love to shop and try on clothes, she doesn't love kittens and puppies, and more than anything she hates crying. The fact that she's willingly shed tears in front of you means that she has the highest level of trust in you. She doesn't cry often, and almost never in front of anyone. Don't make her regret opening up to you like that, or she'll never forgive either of you. Your LOM does not know how to be vulnerable, at least not very well. Help her to know it's okay for her to be soft, to not always have the answers, to cry, to hurt, to want, to fear, and to express it all to you if possible now and then.

10. Your Little Ol' Me wants to make you happy. She craves your laughter. She loves spoiling you in little ways and wants to do what she can to make you happy every day. Tell her what you need/want to be happy. Include her in your wishes, goals, and dreams. Let her in, let her love you

11. Your LOM has a high sex drive. Enjoy it. She wants new experiences with you, she needs you to tell her what you do and don't like. Silent sex turns her off immensely. Be vocal, be honest, be adventurous, and you'll both have a good time.

12. Last, but certainly not least... be patient with her. She's been through a LOT this past year. She feels unsteady sometimes. She worries about everything, she sleeps very little and works very hard. She wants you in her life more than anything, she just isn't very good at talking about her feelings. Don't let her shy away from the truth, make her be honest about her feelings.

So there it is in a nutshell. Now if the BLT just knew about this blog, or if somehow he could just absorb this from the atmosphere, that would be amazing. I don't have the guts to say this stuff out loud.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Do you ever have those days...

Where you just can't see the good, can't find the light, can't figure out how you'll ever get the things you want most?

I'm having one of those days. I'm trying to put on a brave face, and I am not one to complain to those around me so I sort of just suffer in silence. Well except for here. Here I feel like I can say whatever is really on my mind. I mean, nobody actually reads these words, and nobody who might find them in the future has any idea who I am, so this is a safe place to lay it all out there and unburden myself.

The state sent me a letter. Since I'm working and I make a whole 2.00 more per hour now, which is still a very paltry amount to try and raise four kids on alone, they took away nearly all of our bennefits. They doubled my co payment for childcare and pretty much took away our basic food bennefits. I gained less than 400.00 per month in pay and lost nearly 800.00 in bennefits.

When I called all they had to say was sorry, if you were to "loose your job for any reason... long pregnant pause... then we could help you more" meaning, if I'm willing to not work, even though I'm able, they'll help me. Otherwise, too damn bad for me and my four kids.

There are three things I really want... REALLY REALLY WANT, with my whole heart, and I don't see any of them happening for me. I want a better place for the kids and I to live. We're safe, but all five of us are smooshed into 600 square feet. Only two bedrooms and one miniscule bathroom. We need something of our own, without psychotic neighbors who share a wall, with a yard for the kids. I could barely afford the rent I pay, and that was BEFORE they took away our bennefits. There is no way I'll ever be able to do better than this. I'm worried about not ending up living in my car. It's a very real possibility for us.

Second, I want my BLT to move here and make a serious go at this relationship. I feel like I spent all this money on plane tickets, I took time off work, I arranged child care for my herd of children. The ball is now in his court - he needs to make some effort, show that's he is just as committed as I am. He says to me "I want to be with you, you are the love of my life" but when it comes to moving up here it's always, "hopefully", "maybe", and "if I ever" that doesn't sound like someone committed to getting his ass up here and in my bed on a more regular basis. This makes me sad beyond words. I try not too think too hard on it because it tears me up inside. I want to be more than a weekend bootie call every 8 weeks, and he's never made me feel like that, but really, if we never progress past this point, isn't that all I really am?

Lastly... I want to be good and divorced from the crazy as sin man who is my X. I've made reasonable offer after reasonable offer and he won't sign the damn divorce papers just out of spite. From prison he's still controlling my future, effecting my security and happiness, and screwing over his kids. We can't get our hands on any of the money that rightly belongs to my girls. Money we could use towards clothes they need, rent, food, just basic living expenses. He doesn't pay any child support, and he's denying them the financial support he does have access too, just to punish and control me. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except go through the motions with the court. A painfull and painstakingly slow process. While we wait for the courts to decide all of this and forcably give me my divorce I'm drowning in debt... money he should be half responsible for, but he's not because he got his sorry ass tossed in jail for trying to shoot me in the head.

I'm sick to fucking death, excuse my language, of people telling me this is "God's plan" and that I'll be stronger because of it. Screw that.... I'm plenty strong thank you. How about just once, just god dammed once something go my way? Because if there is some greater good to be had, some life lesson, some "plan" in play it sucks ass. It's the worst damn plan I've ever seen.

So if you are a random stranger who happened upon this pathetic little post, well you'll have to excuse me and allow me to wallow in self pity tonight. Tomorrow I'll put on my big girl panties and bravely face whatever new horror my life with bring. For tonight I'm going to cry into my pillow.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Home Again, Home Again...

Whew, it's been a few days since I took time to write down my thoughts. Work is crazy... C-R-A-Z-Y busy. My whole body aches from packing, hauling, cutting, wrapping, and being a most excellent and multi talented employee. LOL, I've spent a lot of time out in the warehouse, and I actually like it. It's exhausting, but I like to stay busy and I can listen to the radio out there.

I went to visit my BLT last weekend. I cried when it was time to leave. I HATE crying in front of other people, but I just couldn't help it. I really have just gotten all stupid and in love with him, and I miss him so much when I leave. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he holds me at night while we sleep, I miss the fact that he totally gets my quirky sense of humor and he keeps me in stitches laughing so much. I like that he cooks for me, opens doors for me. I like that I make him happy. I like that I get HIS quirky sense of humor and I also keep him laughing his ass off all weekend, I like that when I'm there he can't take his eyes off me, and vice versa.

The leather pants and silk bustier combo was a hit. He pulls up at the airport and his mouth just falls open... then he gets this silly cheshire cat grin (like a little boy with a shiny new toy) and says, "holy shit baby, you look amazing!!" he just keeps staring at me the whole ride home. I felt very girly and my effort wasn't in vain. He showed his appreciation in my very favorite ways! I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

I haven't exercised in almost two weeks. I tried last week, I just got so busy working late and getting my stuff together for my weekend away that it fell to the wayside, and this week I'm working 12+ hour days - and honestly I just have ZERO ambition or energy when I get home. There is always next week!

Monday, February 15, 2010


Oh how I both love and hate it when I only have a few days left in the countdown to seeing my BLT. I love that sense of anticipation, I love the prep. The excuse to get a pedicure, a hair cut, and see my waxer for that oh so silky feeling I so love.

What I hate is the actual waiting. It's like time slows down in these last few days. I can't sleep well, I just ache to get on that plane and head out.

96 hours... 4 days... so close and yet so far away!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Failure at Life

I'm just in a "mood". I feel pissy, angry, unappreciated. All I asked the kids to do was clean their room. It should have taken them 10 minutes tops, 15 if they vaccumed it. After three hours of begging, and asking, and finally just yelling at them they still hadn't cleaned it up. For the love of freakin' god...WHY can't they just do what I ask them to do, just once. Just once.

There is no respect, no healthy fear of my maternal wrath, lol. It's not like this is new either, it's just that it's gotten so much worse since X and I seperated. It's like there is no attempt on their part to follow the house rules (of which there really are very few) or to follow through with their promises.

I hate being the nagging shrew. I hate that it has to come to me yelling at them to get them to realize I'm serious and to do what they are told. I hate that they don't seem to have even a tiny amount of respect for me.

And then the guilt sets in, and I hate myself for yelling. I hate that I'm not a more effective mother, I hate that I'm exhausted all the time. I hate that I can't provide the kids with a better place to live and that we're all crammed in here on top of one another.

I failed at marriage, I fail at motherhood, I just feel like a failure at life today.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Salsa, it's not just for chips!

I lost my mind and decided to take a Salsa dancing class.

1. I think I broke my butt muscle...seriously, it feels like I pulled every muscle in my big round bootie.

2. I'm sure I looked like an idiot. I've always fancied myself a proficient dancer, really, I've got skills. However, I was having the hardest time keeping up, and remembering the order the moves were to be done in. At least I wasn't alone, we all kinda looked like LOL :)

3. The class was made for partners (this I didn't realize) so there were only a few of us singles there and I ended up being partnered with a 60 year old woman with smokers cough and a pair of overalls. Who wears overalls to Salsa dance in?

4. The BLT said he would love to take a Salsa dance class with me! I was floored. I think that's the best offer I've had in..well, that's I've ever had. What could be better than learning a sexy dance with someone who makes your blood boil just by giving you "the look"? I'm SO holding him to this offer if he ever moves up here.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Feelin' Sassy

I bought leather pants... ya leather. What am I thinking? I am going to visit the BLT for the weekend in a couple weeks and I like to get the whole "jaw dropping" effect when I walk off the plane. So far it's worked.

He told me the other night, "I love to see you come down that escalator, it's like a gift you can't wait to unwrap but you don't wanna rip the paper all at the the same time"

LoL I even showed up once in nothing but a red trench coat with some hubba hubba lingerie underneath. Of course I had clothes on while on the plane,lol, I changed in the rest room before I went down to meet him. He was suitably impressed by this - cliche or not.

Well this time I have the HAWTEST purple and black silk bustier and a pair of black leather pants with my favorite stiletto heels. Being a guitarist in a metal band, I think he'll totally dig the sexy rock and roll vibe I've got going on. And I won't lie...I look damn freakin' sexy all cinched into that bustier.

I'm feeling all girly and excited to see him, I think this should be a winner!

Monday, February 8, 2010

To Valentine, or not to Valentine

I can't believe how long I labored over the decision to either send the BLT a little something for Valentine's Day or not. I didn't really celebrate Vday with my X, and I don't want BLT to think he needs to send me something, that I'm sitting here EXPECTING something.

We will be seeing each other, but the weekend after the "holiday". I don't want to seem pushy, or seem like I expect gifts from him. In all honesty I get really uncomfortable with the idea of him buying me things. I don't let him pay for my meals when I visit. I don't let him purchase my plane tickets. I don't want to be that girl who demands things, and I'm determined to be self sufficient. I don't have a good history with the whole gift giving / receiving thing. With the X there were always strings attached. If he gave me anything he made me feel guilty later. He gave me a trip, but for months afterwards he called me selfish for going and leaving the kids with him. It just got to the point where we didn't exchange gifts. Not for birthdays, Christmas, Vday or anything like that. I did stuff for the kids of course, but not for each other.

So... I decided to send something, because I don't know if he was expecting or hoping for something. BUT, I didn't want it to be some grand, romantic, cheesy gesture that would make him uncomfortable. I decided to send him the "Big Book of Star Wars Coloring Pages" lol. He's a star wars junkie, and he went to art school. Plus he's kinda a big kid at heart. I sent a Dora the Explorer one for his little girl and a set of crayons for both of them. I added in his favorite chocolate covered espresso beans and some candies for the Fraggle too.

HE LOVES IT!! Yay, I got it right, just the right combo of something thoughful and something fun, but not expensive. I got a call, "you're the sweetest thing ever" He didn't realize that he told me once about the espresso beans. He was impressed I remembered and he loves that I sent him something to do with the Fraggle. Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Monday, February 1, 2010

The joys of dealing with Social Services

I told my mother that dealing with DSHS (dept. of social and health services) is like smacking your head against a concrete wall in hopes of getting a free bandaid.

I just want health insurance for my kids. One of them has asthma, the other needs monthly meds I can't afford. I qualify since the X lost his mind, lost his freedom, lost his job, and no longer provides them with squat, much less with health insurance.

So I've been on the phone all day... trying to figure out why the medical cards I just got in the mail say that my prefered provider is over an hour and a half from my house. WTF? Why would they assign us there?

Plus I have gotten paperwork today that says they'll take away all our bennefits if they don't get this information back by the 10th. But when you call the number they provide you it says they have too high of call volumes and you have to call back, then it disconnects me. How do I get the information to them then?

UGH... I just feel beaten up by the system. Not assisted by it in any way.