Do you ever have those days...

Where you just can't see the good, can't find the light, can't figure out how you'll ever get the things you want most?

I'm having one of those days. I'm trying to put on a brave face, and I am not one to complain to those around me so I sort of just suffer in silence. Well except for here. Here I feel like I can say whatever is really on my mind. I mean, nobody actually reads these words, and nobody who might find them in the future has any idea who I am, so this is a safe place to lay it all out there and unburden myself.

The state sent me a letter. Since I'm working and I make a whole 2.00 more per hour now, which is still a very paltry amount to try and raise four kids on alone, they took away nearly all of our bennefits. They doubled my co payment for childcare and pretty much took away our basic food bennefits. I gained less than 400.00 per month in pay and lost nearly 800.00 in bennefits.

When I called all they had to say was sorry, if you were to "loose your job for any reason... long pregnant pause... then we could help you more" meaning, if I'm willing to not work, even though I'm able, they'll help me. Otherwise, too damn bad for me and my four kids.

There are three things I really want... REALLY REALLY WANT, with my whole heart, and I don't see any of them happening for me. I want a better place for the kids and I to live. We're safe, but all five of us are smooshed into 600 square feet. Only two bedrooms and one miniscule bathroom. We need something of our own, without psychotic neighbors who share a wall, with a yard for the kids. I could barely afford the rent I pay, and that was BEFORE they took away our bennefits. There is no way I'll ever be able to do better than this. I'm worried about not ending up living in my car. It's a very real possibility for us.

Second, I want my BLT to move here and make a serious go at this relationship. I feel like I spent all this money on plane tickets, I took time off work, I arranged child care for my herd of children. The ball is now in his court - he needs to make some effort, show that's he is just as committed as I am. He says to me "I want to be with you, you are the love of my life" but when it comes to moving up here it's always, "hopefully", "maybe", and "if I ever" that doesn't sound like someone committed to getting his ass up here and in my bed on a more regular basis. This makes me sad beyond words. I try not too think too hard on it because it tears me up inside. I want to be more than a weekend bootie call every 8 weeks, and he's never made me feel like that, but really, if we never progress past this point, isn't that all I really am?

Lastly... I want to be good and divorced from the crazy as sin man who is my X. I've made reasonable offer after reasonable offer and he won't sign the damn divorce papers just out of spite. From prison he's still controlling my future, effecting my security and happiness, and screwing over his kids. We can't get our hands on any of the money that rightly belongs to my girls. Money we could use towards clothes they need, rent, food, just basic living expenses. He doesn't pay any child support, and he's denying them the financial support he does have access too, just to punish and control me. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except go through the motions with the court. A painfull and painstakingly slow process. While we wait for the courts to decide all of this and forcably give me my divorce I'm drowning in debt... money he should be half responsible for, but he's not because he got his sorry ass tossed in jail for trying to shoot me in the head.

I'm sick to fucking death, excuse my language, of people telling me this is "God's plan" and that I'll be stronger because of it. Screw that.... I'm plenty strong thank you. How about just once, just god dammed once something go my way? Because if there is some greater good to be had, some life lesson, some "plan" in play it sucks ass. It's the worst damn plan I've ever seen.

So if you are a random stranger who happened upon this pathetic little post, well you'll have to excuse me and allow me to wallow in self pity tonight. Tomorrow I'll put on my big girl panties and bravely face whatever new horror my life with bring. For tonight I'm going to cry into my pillow.