It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Funny Stuff

* This past week I took the kids for some Hillbilly Redneck (aka free) fun down by the river.  I tossed their life jackets on them and let them splash and play in the nice cold river near our house.  Once we were walking home my little Monkey Pants looked at me and said; "I would kiss you mommy but I have River Lips!"

* There are two bulldogs at work.  The younger of the two is shall we say "greeting" BLT with a nose right to the crotch.  Charming.   When he objects my oldest looks at BLT and says; "Hey she's just saying hello... now it's your turn.  Be polite and sniff her butt!"  I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud at BLT's horrified look.  Yep, that's one classy kid I've got there! 

* One of the fine men in my tiny town called me beautiful and offered to take me home last week.  When he smiled both of his teeth looked nice.  I was sure to send BLT a text message and let him know there was some competition for my affections.   He asked me if this fine fellow was an "Urban Camper"  lol...  nope.  Not homeless, just toothless.  Yeppers, that's my demographic.  The toothless single guys just love me.

* TNT's day care teacher is having a baby this Autumn.  She told TNT that she wouldn't be back to work after the baby was born and TNT looked her right in the eye and said; "Great... and I was just starting to like you too!"  ZOINKS.... guess we better work on that verbal filter. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What's His Motivation?

I've been thinking a lot about what my X's motivation is for the things that he does, and more so lately for the things that he doesn't do.

The family court judge told my X that he was supposed to write letters to the kids for 60 days. The goal of these letters (PLURAL) was to reintroduce himself to the children in a non threatening way, and to establish some level of communication.   He sent one letter.

The judge said that a GAL (Guardian Ad Lidem) was to be agreed upon and hired within 30 days, or the first available GAL who met specific criteria was to be hired.  It's been over 2 months and my X is still stalling, and arguing over who that GAL will be.  He is refusing to work with the GAL appointed by the court. He presented the option of a male GAL which just won't work. We present option 2 and he claims she's too expensive....  the man who hasn't had to pay a dime in child support in two years, who's legal bills are all paid for by his mommy, who lived with said Drama Momma once he got out of jail, and who's debts were cleared for him while he sat in jail so he could start fresh upon his release... ya, that guy is now complaining about having to pay half of the GAL fee. 

I'm responsible for paying the other half.  And raising the kids.  And paying for my therapy for what he did to us.  I'm the one drowning in debt and fielding calls from collection agents looking for money for the debts dumped in my lap by both the divorce and his incarceration.  Do you see me playing games with the GAL?  No.  Just the poor "victim" of an Ex-Husband I'm stuck with.

He says he wants to see his children.  He writes long weepy declarations to the court about how his children have been poisoned against him, and how he's harassed by my family and by myself.  He wears this mantle of victimization proudly and whines incessantly that he's financially strapped. 


I don't understand what he's trying to achieve.  If it was actually to see his kids wouldn't he be writing the letters, getting the court required therapy, and working like hell to get the GAL appointed?

If he was trying to save money wouldn't he avoid going back and forth to family court and dragging this out?

If he was trying to punish me wouldn't he realize that being in my life and in the kids life is the true punishment?  That by dragging this out we're all actually HAPPIER because we don't have to deal with him directly?

I hate not understanding what his goal is.  I don't know how to anticipate his next move.  I can't prepare myself  or my kids for whats to come, because I don't have any clue what he's trying to accomplish... and that makes me anxious.

Trying to understand the inner workings of a crazy man's mind is surely going to make me crazy too!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Being Lonely Is Not the Same As Being Alone

I get these peppy little messages from the "Universe" sent to my email every morning.  Just little blurbs to remind me to be thankful, to have faith in the greater good of people, or to believe in myself.  Positive affirmations I guess you could call them.

Well today's email contained a simple message that struck me quite deeply.  Just because one feels lonely does not mean that they are in fact alone. 

I had an Ah Ha moment.  One of the things my darling Ethel has been struggling with is loneliness, and the fear that she won't find someone to love her just the way that she is.  She is feeling lonely.... but all that means.... are you listening dear heart?  Yes YOU... the little blond one there with the funky vintage bracelet and the semi retarded Labrador...

I means that you're not paying attention to the people around you.  Your loneliness comes from a place of fear. It means that you're not taking advantage of all the people who love you, and support you.  You're not enjoying the company and companionship of the people in your life who enjoy YOU and want to participate in your life.  Just the way you are.  Every quirk, every self imagined "flaw", every strength (and there are many) and every beautiful thing that make you Ethel.

Because once you do... once you truly embrace all the love, friendship, compassion, and enjoyment of the people who choose to be in your life I can't imagine you'll have time for loneliness.  And once you've opened up your heart and fully accepted how amazing you are then love - TRUE, REAL, LASTING LOVE can also enter your world. 

Because really - until we love ourselves we aren't open to the love of someone else.  Until we know that we are worthy we don't command the kind of respect and affection we deserve.

It's easy to say.... and harder to do.  I know that.   But try and be kind and patient with yourself, and if you are feeling lonely remember to look around. There are quite a few of us who love you and want to spend time with you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Watching your parents get older

It's hard to watch your parents age.  I recently found a photograph of my parents from about 11 years ago.  My mom looks trim and her hair is solid black.  My dad is smiling, and he has my daughter on his shoulders.

My dad is living with Lupus.  Every day is a battle.  His kidney's don't work efficiently so his hands and feet get enormously swollen.  His face and tongue have areas of numbness.  He has to drink with a straw, and he won't eat in front of other people.  He recently went to his 40th year reunion and he was too embarrassed to have dinner at the restaurant with everyone else.  He waited and ate alone in his hotel room after the event.  It makes me sad to know he's self conscious.  It's hard to know he's in physical pain a lot.

My dad is a good man.  He's a hard working man.  Even with all of his health problems he works at our business six days a week to help ensure a good future for the kids and I.  He is acutely aware that one day I'll take over the business and that my ability to take care of my children is all wrapped up in the success of our business.

My mother is also struggling with severe health problems of her own.  This past weekend while my dad was at his reunion, BLT pitched in to watch all the kids so that I could stay out at my parents house with my mother.  She's had total knee reconstructions, a titanium rod and pins inserted in her spine, a blood clot in her lungs at one point, she's had more surgeries than anyone I know.  And now it appears as though she's got a herniated disc in her back and she can barely walk around with the aid of two canes.  She needs someone to help with the laundry, the cleaning, and to cook for her.  Not to mention they have two dogs that need care if my dad isn't around.

It's weird to me to think that in just over a decade my parents went from active, vivacious people who enjoyed RVing and camping to... well... old people.  

It scares me to think they they won't always be here.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I need them.  My kids need them. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Animal Hoarders

I've been watching Animal Hoarders on TV today.

Someone explain WTF is wrong with these people! 150 chickens living inside your house?  What?  I mean, the cats and dogs peeing all over the place are gross enough... but chickens? Really?

And here's another one that puzzles the hell out of me.  The family is all, "Dad can you please give up the chickens? Will you agree to find them homes?"  etc.  It is CRAZY behavior to have 150 chickens inside your house... Dad obviously can't be counted on to make a rational decision for himself.

My method involves waiting until Dad leaves the house and then getting rid of all the freaking chickens! All I know is if he were my family he would have a clean house... and a freezer full of nuggets!

Monday, August 22, 2011


I'm not one to spend a lot of time thinking about the things I don't have.  I'm more of a "here and now" kinda girl.  That being said, I have a little wish list started of things I want for myself.  They aren't all things, some of them are experiences, or less tangible - more intrinsic type things.

I want to see NYC
I want to go on an Alaskan Cruise
I want to learn to cook authentic Italian food
I want to loose 15 lbs (hmmm... might be harder with that Italian food... lol)
I want to repair my credit and buy a house of my own
I want to see the Smithsonian
I want to take a photography class
I want to learn relaxation techniques and/or Yoga in an effort to manage my PTSD symptoms
I want to plant a vegetable garden
I want to have a hot tub

See... It's not a big list.  It's not a glamorous list.  It doesn't involve luxury vacations or fame and fortune.  It's simple things - but they are all things that feel very far away right now.  Due to time, energy, money, focus, lifestyle... so many reasons...  it just feels like all these things will be sitting on the back burner waiting for awhile.

I guess that's the good thing about dreams.  They don't have expiration dates.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

And that's what I pay her for!

Every now and then it surprises me just how damn freaking AMAZING my lawyer is.  My X just won't get on board with the GAL for the kids that was mandated by the family courts last month.

See, X was given 60 days to communicate with his kids via letters in order to introduce himself to them. After which he was supposed to meet with a GAL for a DV and Mental Evaluation, and a plan was to be developed after the GAL's investigation so that some monitored visitation could be established in a visitation center.  This is supposedly what he wants... but all he's done is be obstructive and defiant.

In the past 30 days there has been one letter sent to each child.  That's it.  He's objected (through his lawyer) to the GAL appointed by the judge.  Then he objected to both of the following GAL's we found who met the judges criteria. There is never any basis for his objection.  Just a flat refusal to sign the papers.

He recently sent a totally inappropriate choice to us, with a snotty little note from his lawyer that she was going on vacation so we should just "check Dr. D out and see when he can start."  Assuming of course that I would just fall in line with what he wants. Like I'm going to pay my lawyer to do HIS homework.  No thanks... plus this person doesn't meet the judges criteria of being an expert in Domestic Violence, and he's a male.  My four children if you haven't guessed by now are all female.  They went through a traumatic event at the hands of their own father.  They have male trust issues, especially the youngest and the oldest.  The fact that he doesn't understand this is further proof that he just doesn't accept the ramifications of his actions.

So my lawyer... being the kick ass legal bulldog that she is just sent him what is essentially a "shit or get off the pot" letter.  He has until the 26th of August to sign the papers appointing the GAL we've found that was approved by the courts - or we'll end up back in front of the judge.  He can explain to the commissioner why he's being such an ass.

It's just nice to know that she's taking care of business for me, and that she keeps the best interest of my kids in mind at all times.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Half Truth Lies

A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies. - Tennyson

When you love someone you hate to see them hurting.  Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life.  Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering. 

Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that.  She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.

He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years.  When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry.  She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again.  She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy.  She believed....  and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change.  She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too.  But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him.  Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies.  More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.

And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen.  An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE!  Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue.  Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control.  She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him.  Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify.  She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends.  Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you?  I personally don't think so.

I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married.  There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation.  So she tries not to make waves.  I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.

Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it.  I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex.  I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did.  Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred.  What I keep asking her is "why"? 

What did he do that was so loving?  Did he cherish you?  Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things? 

If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding.  I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion.  I could help her end this cycle of grief.  I WANT to understand.  I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.

I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

HCG Diet

I'm considering trying the HCG diet.  I need to do some more reasearch... anyone have any experiences they want to share?

I need to loose about 15 pounds before the wedding and I'm having a hell of a time doing it the old fashioned way so I need some assistance.

What do you guys think!?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Some People Have the DUM

Ethel and I were talking about online dating tonight.  I have never had this particular experience, and she has had some funny stories to share about ads she's seen or things she's heard of happening.  I guess one of the things that's an issue in the whole online dating world are the "scammers" as Ethel called them. People who claim to be from another country and they are looking for a way into the US. I bet it's just some sweaty dude in Chicago looking to rip off horny idiots with low self esteem and fat wallets.

I just have to ask... can a man (or woman, I guess it happens to them too) really believe that someone they've never met loves them?  I guess these women/men start a conversation and them try to develope a relationship with the goal of getting money.  It starts out all "We're soulmates..." and universally ends with "Send money to get me out of the country..." and of course these people are usually beautiful.  LOL, somehow ugly people manage to get out of Russia or Asia on their own just fine, it's only the beautiful, young, nubile people who need to be rescued!

LMAO... what kind of idiot falls for this? I mean seriously...I'm going to marry BLT and I would never ask him for money!

I guess there is a sucker born every minute!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Getting the kid to talk


I'm so damn frustrated with my oldest.  We've been working with a therapist for over a year and it's still like pulling teeth to get that kid to discuss anything related to feelings.

It's just so hard.  The therapist has made it clear that if Chef doesn't become more forthcoming there is no chance that Chef will get a choice in regards to visitation. Chef will be forced to spend time with X if there is no open dialogue to prove that there is trauma there that needs to be acknowleged and dealt with.

What am I going to do with this kid?  It's all, "I'm fine, and everything is okay. I don't want to talk about it." etc.  I feel like I can only push so hard before Chef will start to shut me out too.  I don't want that to happen.  We have a really good relationship, and I don't want to damage that.

This parenting thing is hard sometimes...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

ABC (stole that MeMe)

I took out questions that required a name be given as an answer for anonymity.

A – Age: 36
B – Bed size: King
C – Chore you hate: Laundry
D – Dinner: BBQed Pork Chops, Rice Pilaf and Sweet Corn
E – Essential start your day item: Hot Shower, Coffee... Morning Kiss
F – Favorite color: Red or Aqua
G – Gold or Silver: Silver
H – Height: 5’ 10"
I – Instruments you play(ed): Violin
J – Job title: Gasket Girl
K – Kids: 4
L – Living arrangements: Living in my cottage with BLT, four kids and two idiot dogs
M –  Music you love: Classic Rock and Country, Folk Songs from my childhood.  Pink and Prince.  I'm eclectic
N – Noise you hate: The 6 am knock on my door on the weekends... why can't my kids sleep in on Saturday just once?
O – Overnight hospital stay other than births: Car Accident, Kidney Infection, Asthma/Respiratory Infections, Gall Stones
P – Pet Peeve: Lazy People
R – Right or left handed: Right but I eat with my left. 
S – Siblings: Just 1, but we don't have a relationship right now.
T – Time you wake up: 6 am
U- Underwear:  I'm a pantie snob.  Bras and panties must match.  No cotton.  I prefer silky fabrics and dark colors. Boy short style are comfy, but I dig a sexy thong set with a push up bra.
V – Vegetable you dislike: Eggplant
W – Ways you run late: Forgetting my GPS, or I can't find the kids shoes, it's always the shoes.
X – X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, arm, foot, shoulder, lungs, ribs, tailbone, fingers,
Y – Yummy food you make: Home made pizza
Z – Zoo favorite: Otters and the Gibbons Monkeys.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Lucy version 2.0

You know how some guys have a "type"?  Well my X has a's everything I'm not.  He told me a hundred times.  He likes em' tiny, blond, blue eyed, and a little on the wholesome side.  Reese Witherspoon with big tits is his ideal.  He even said on a few occasions that he was surprised he ever asked me out, that mostly he felt sorry for me, because I'm not his type. 

Once in the middle of having sex he looked down and me and said, "you know if you went tanning, and dyed your hair blond, and looked totally different you could be really hot."  He was confused by my instant, "get the hell off of me before I castrate you."  You see he had no clue why that was insulting.

So imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of his new live in girlfriend.  Yes people... the man who has only been out of jail for domestic violence with a gun for 3 months found some woman to move in with. And holy hell batman she has KIDS. Plural.   The man who intensly dislikes children, and didn't care enough about his own kids to be a part of their lives on any more than a very base level moved in with a woman who has 3 children.

I won't lie.  I looked her up on Facebook.  Oh Em Gee... it's a total mind fuck.  Excuse the foul language but it's totally deserving in this situation.

We have the same hair color and style.  We are the same height, in fact she's a bit taller according to former Father In Law.  She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am though... she's a larger version of me! We wear the same glasses.  We have the same college degree and career path.  We have the same favorite movie, favorite book/authors.  We both are runners.  We both have several kids.  We both have prominent chins with clefts in the center.

Holy crap people I'm not imagining it... Ethel saw it too.  HE'S REPLACED ME... WITH ME! LUCY VS. 2.0  I'm not sure who should be more creeped out.  Me, because even though I was never his ideal he went out and purposefully found someone as close to me as humanly possible? Or her... because she's his ex wife's doppleganger.  He met her online according to mutual family (they vollunteered this juicy tid bit in an effort to bait me or judge my reaction, I didn't ask where they met)  so that means that he had to wade through other options to purposefully chose my twin.

Creeeeepy if you ask me....especially since his last letter about a year ago said, that he promised he would get back everything that was taken away from him. 

Good lord I wonder if that woman has any idea what she got herself into?

Monday, August 8, 2011

So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.

Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago.  Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head.  See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily.  Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.

But alas... no.  Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here)  see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist.  Everything is about her.  Her feelings.  The work she does, the ways she suffers.  That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out. 
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess.  It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven  to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?

How exactly would you like me to suffer?  What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation?  Did I terrorize your son with a gun?  No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain.  Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?

So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do.  PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper.  Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?

Lets see... what else have we got? 

Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation...  no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?

So where are we?  Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares...  and those are just the biggies.  There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I.  There was a difficult job change.  There is the daily struggle to parent four kids.  There are questions to which I may never have answers.

So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma?  Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state?  Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?

Because, as far as I can tell...  beyond everything else I listed,  just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough.  Now I'm getting on with my life.  I don't care to placate you any longer.  I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues.  I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.

I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists.  It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye.  No it's not me... it's you.  I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends.  Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.

With my head held high,

*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better....  I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***

Friday, August 5, 2011

Thank You Universe!

The entire world will be a richer place once you marry an amazing man and have a beautiful future and have your romantic love affair.

We knew this when we helped you pick your dreams.

So let's get cracking,
    The Universe