Animal Hoarders

I've been watching Animal Hoarders on TV today.

Someone explain WTF is wrong with these people! 150 chickens living inside your house?  What?  I mean, the cats and dogs peeing all over the place are gross enough... but chickens? Really?

And here's another one that puzzles the hell out of me.  The family is all, "Dad can you please give up the chickens? Will you agree to find them homes?"  etc.  It is CRAZY behavior to have 150 chickens inside your house... Dad obviously can't be counted on to make a rational decision for himself.

My method involves waiting until Dad leaves the house and then getting rid of all the freaking chickens! All I know is if he were my family he would have a clean house... and a freezer full of nuggets!

Some People Have the DUM

Ethel and I were talking about online dating tonight.  I have never had this particular experience, and she has had some funny stories to share about ads she's seen or things she's heard of happening.  I guess one of the things that's an issue in the whole online dating world are the "scammers" as Ethel called them. People who claim to be from another country and they are looking for a way into the US. I bet it's just some sweaty dude in Chicago looking to rip off horny idiots with low self esteem and fat wallets.

I just have to ask... can a man (or woman, I guess it happens to them too) really believe that someone they've never met loves them?  I guess these women/men start a conversation and them try to develope a relationship with the goal of getting money.  It starts out all "We're soulmates..." and universally ends with "Send money to get me out of the country..." and of course these people are usually beautiful.  LOL, somehow ugly people manage to get out of Russia or Asia on their own just fine, it's only the beautiful, young, nubile people who need to be rescued!

LMAO... what kind of idiot falls for this? I mean seriously...I'm going to marry BLT and I would never ask him for money!

I guess there is a sucker born every minute!

Lucy version 2.0

You know how some guys have a "type"?  Well my X has a type...it's everything I'm not.  He told me a hundred times.  He likes em' tiny, blond, blue eyed, and a little on the wholesome side.  Reese Witherspoon with big tits is his ideal.  He even said on a few occasions that he was surprised he ever asked me out, that mostly he felt sorry for me, because I'm not his type. 

Once in the middle of having sex he looked down and me and said, "you know if you went tanning, and dyed your hair blond, and looked totally different you could be really hot."  He was confused by my instant, "get the hell off of me before I castrate you."  You see he had no clue why that was insulting.

So imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of his new live in girlfriend.  Yes people... the man who has only been out of jail for domestic violence with a gun for 3 months found some woman to move in with. And holy hell batman she has KIDS. Plural.   The man who intensly dislikes children, and didn't care enough about his own kids to be a part of their lives on any more than a very base level moved in with a woman who has 3 children.

I won't lie.  I looked her up on Facebook.  Oh Em Gee... it's a total mind fuck.  Excuse the foul language but it's totally deserving in this situation.

We have the same hair color and style.  We are the same height, in fact she's a bit taller according to former Father In Law.  She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am though... she's a larger version of me! We wear the same glasses.  We have the same college degree and career path.  We have the same favorite movie, favorite book/authors.  We both are runners.  We both have several kids.  We both have prominent chins with clefts in the center.

Holy crap people I'm not imagining it... Ethel saw it too.  HE'S REPLACED ME... WITH ME! LUCY VS. 2.0  I'm not sure who should be more creeped out.  Me, because even though I was never his ideal he went out and purposefully found someone as close to me as humanly possible? Or her... because she's his ex wife's doppleganger.  He met her online according to mutual family (they vollunteered this juicy tid bit in an effort to bait me or judge my reaction, I didn't ask where they met)  so that means that he had to wade through other options to purposefully chose my twin.

Creeeeepy if you ask me....especially since his last letter about a year ago said, that he promised he would get back everything that was taken away from him. 

Good lord I wonder if that woman has any idea what she got herself into?

Shocking Truths

Several things lately have kind of shocked the crap out of me...

1.  It's so much easier to find people on the internet than one would think.  Find a FB page, or a twitter account, an email or even just have someone's personal information and BAM - I suddenly know more about you than you would like. I'm reading your personal thoughts, I'm finding out where you've been and what you've been doing. Considering my X's penchant for cyber stalking this just gives me the creeps.

2. People will say things on line that they would never say in person.  People will be ruder, more obnoxious, and in general over-share because they have the anonymity of the internet.

3. I should know this... and honestly, I should know better...  But number three is: Liars Lie.  They do it over and over. They do it even when they've been caught in the lie.  It's their "go to" problem solving skill. It's the way they avoid responsibility and accountability.  Don't EVER expect the truth from a liar. 

4. Nothing you own is worth what you think it is.  Not your house, not your car, not your most prized possessions. 

5. I should also know this... Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I forget this one often, but damn it's so true.  I like to call this the peopleofwalmart.com theory.  I actually went to ol' Wally World recently and saw this principle in action. 

Anything shock the hell out of you recently?

2 steps forward, 1 step back

Apparently the X's skeezy, sleazy lawyer convinced a judge that my children are in emotional distress because I'm keeping them from a father they are desperate to see.  For the record, none of them want to see him and I've got a therapist who will attest to as much under oath, who will in fact testify that it's not in the kids best interest to have anything other than very limited, and monitored access to him at this point. They aren't ready yet.

However, apparently I'll be in court in three weeks so that my X can plead his case to the judge for visitation. 

All I can do is hope that the judge recognizes how dangerous he still is and keeps my kids safety in mind.  I also hope she/he sees through all the lies and poor me victimization that the X is throwing around in an attempt to seem more sympathetic.

While I'm making wishes I'll toss one in there for control of my PTSD symptoms and anxiety during  all of this.   When we show up in court next month I want to appear calm, cool, and collected.  No tears - no outbursts, no anxiety.  I don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me in distress.

Breathing Deeply,
Lucy

Raising Teenagers

Raising teens, and tweens is such a joy...  and yes, I'm being sarcastic.

My oldest is just being a pain in the ass.  The conversation we had tonight was long, and loud.  I ended up taking her cell phone away.  While I'm holding it a text comes through from a friend.  Not really thinking about it I look down...

BOOM baby, just a whole lotta ugliness unleashed about what a horrible mom I am. How much she hates BLT and I, and how we have no right to tell her what to do, and all I should be worried about is that she gets straight A's so I should just butt out of her life.  Lovely...

After a while I went back down to her room. I told her:  "I love you, unconditionally. But I will not be abused.  I will not let you talk to me like this, or treat me like garbage. I did not have children so that I could be your slave.  I have expectations of you that you WILL meet.  You WILL change your attitude, and you will treat everyone in household with respect.  Otherwise I will drive you to school, pick you up in the afternoon and you will have absolutely no life other than school, chores, and homework.  You WILL participate in this family, and you WILL be a good role model for the younger kids. If you ever talk to me like that again you'll be grounded so long that you'll have grey hair before you see your friends again."

I told her that I'm it.  I'm the only parent she has.  I'm the one that works to feed her.  I'm the one that supports her. I'm the one that loves her unconditionally.  I'm the one who wants what's best for her.  I'm the one who sacrifices for her....  out there, in the real world, nobody gives a rats ass about your issues.  They want to know what you can do for THEM, not the other way around.  I told her that there is a statute of limitations on teenage moodiness and she's just about reached it.  After that people stop overlooking your bad behavior as an indicator of teenage angst, and then you know what you are?  You're just a bitch... and you don't want to be that kind of girl.  You don't really want to be an eye rolling, dismissive, rude, judgemental, pain in every one's ass... because that's not who you really are. 

Her answer was that she doesn't try to be rude.  My answer?  Well you sure as heck aren't trying NOT to be rude now are you... so how about we go at this from another angle.  For the foreseeable future you try NOT to be rude and we'll see how that works.

God help me...  I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated. I'm at my wits end.  I just want to understand what's going on with that kid.

Crappy Teachers, and Possession is 9/10th of the Law

First I'm just going to sum up a long and frustrating week by saying that my child has several amazing teachers...and one very lazy, ridiculously ridged one.  My middle child has severe ADD and needs a few modifications to enable her to be successful. She can't be expected to remember what she's supposed to do for all six classes when she gets home.  She just doesn't retain instructions and multi-step processes at all.  She needs written instructions, or a Syllabus for each class.  She needs to be able to take notes in class, and I need the teachers to communicate with me if she's missing several assignments in a row.  Four days before the end of the quarter I find out she's failing three of her six classes.  Why?  She does the work, but she doesn't remember what to turn in, and to whom (if she even remembers to take it back to school, it really is an issue we struggle with all the time.)  They never once contact me until it's too late.  SO...  after lots of blame and finger pointing we are going forward with a 504 plan that will help give her some extra assistance.

Now to the possession part of this frustrating week.  When my ex and I split we had several verbal agreements. In my opinion all of them became null and void when the asshole showed up at my door with a gun.  Now he wants to sit back in his jail cell and pick and choose which of these agreements he wants to observe.  For example we had owned a Maytag duet washer and dryer set, top of the line worth several thousand dollars.  The "verbal agreement" was that the washer and dryer would go with the kids.  Whomever had the kids, got the keep the washer and dryer.  When negotiating the final divorce decree he demanded the return of the washer and dryer.... even though he was in prison, and once getting out of prison he would live with his mother, and the children will NEVER reside with him again.  Okay, fine.  Be an ass.  I won't fight over stuff.  I let him have them.  I cleared out my savings account and bought a new washer and dryer even though I really couldn't afford it.  I followed the letter of law and gave in to every one of his ridiculous demands just so that he would sign the divorce papers and I could get one with my life.   Now, nine months later he wants me to return the X-Box 360.  The children are under the impression that the video game system was bought FOR THEM.  They have spent their own birthday money and allowance on games and accessories.  I've spent my own money on things for the system.  The kids use it every day because it's their video game system, DVD player, and access to Netflicks shows/movies on instant download.  I'm not telling them they have to give it back to their dad...  not gonna happen.  The fact that the jerk-off even asked for it back shows he doesn't care about disappointing his kids.  He's a total douche...  UGH!!

So ya... possession being nine tenths of the law and all that means he can kiss my butt if he thinks I'm taking one more thing away from my kids. He bought it for them, or at least he told them he did...  he's going to honor at least one promise he made whether he likes it or not.

Yes people I am a klutz...

I'm well known in my social circle for being a klutz.  If there is a unique way to hurt myself in any given situation I'll find it. If there is a rare virus I'll catch it. If there is an accident waiting to happen then it will happen to me.

I rolled down a hill once while carrying a giant stock pot of hot chili and got lodged under a parked Buick, dislocating my shoulder, burning my boobs, and taking all the skin off my knees and hands.

I managed to roll my Chevy three times and land back on the tires, facing traffic.

I nearly died from a severe kidney infection.

I woke up one day and half of my face was paralyzed.  After testing it was determined that I caught a virus called Bells Palsy.  The paralysis lasted 8 weeks.

I broke my wrist tripping over my own feet and landing with my hand in a metal bucket of hot, soapy mop water while working at the mall in high school.

And today...  today I nearly drowned myself in my own cup of coffee. How does one do this?  Well first you have to take a big, unlady like gulp of hot coffee.  Then at the exact moment you are going to swallow it you have to sneeze.  Voila - you suck all that coffee into your lungs... Then you start turning pink, so violet, to lovely shades of blue as your significant other is pounding on your back and you are desperately trying to suck air into your burning, gurgling lungs.  Sound like fun?  Wanna give it a try? 

That was 6 hours ago and I'm still coughing, and when I do I have the faint taste of coffee in the back of my throat... lovely... 

I wonder what new and imaginative way I'll manage to damage myself next.

Blizzards, Birthdays, Bonuses and Bitches

It's been a busy, CRAZY busy week. We got 20+ inches of snow, and are expecting a bit more to come tomorrow. I spent well over an hour with a snow shovel, as BLT doesn't own boots and it's in the teens here temp. wise. I dug us out - the snow was as high as my knees! Today we only had to work a half day, so we went and bought that man some winter gear!

Today is Monkey Pants' 6th birthday. We celebrated with her favorite dinner - mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. LOL, weird combo I know, but hey...that's what you get when you offer to make a six year old anything they want to eat! Grandma got her a Pillow Pet and embroidered her name on it for her. BLT picked up a stuffed monkey and a Rapunzel doll - both were quite the hit. She woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn to say, "isn't there something you want to say to me?" Heh, yes she's precocious!

The boss man at work called BLT and I into the office and told us that being such a tiny company they can't afford to give us any kind of holiday bonus in cash, but we did each get a 50.00 gift certificate to our local butcher shop (mmm, and out here that means it's FRESH and usually Organic, like "get that cow out of the field because LoM wants steak tonight!) and we'll be closed from December 23 - January 3rd, but we'll get paid for all the days we are closed! NICE!! We are both very excited... we were just happy to have the time off to spend together, and for BLT to drive home to see his family for a couple days. Getting paid for it wasn't expected at all!

And now to the "bitch" section of this post. Neither of my psychotic X's parents sent Monkey Pants a gift for her birthday. Both asked when they could see her. I told both of them the same thing, that their therapist and I both agree that it's not in their best interest to have anything more than limited contact with family or friends who are actively supporting and/or excusing the X. I gave both parties my mailing address and asked them to mail any gifts or cards to her and I would make sure she got them on her birthday. In true narcissistic fashion they're more worried about their hurt feelings than my poor child, and neither of them ended up mailing her anything. And I made the damn fool mistake of telling Monkey Pants a gift was in the mail from Grandma because we couldn't get together with them right now, so she's been waiting and she was disappointed today. I feel like an ass for assuming they wouldn't punish the child because they are upset with me. What a couple of twat waffles...

So I went to the store and bought an extra gift today. If on Monday there isn't anything in the mail I'll wrap it up and pretend it's from Grandma. At least it will make her feel better, and I'll know not to make promises I'm not sure they'll keep. It's not her fault her grandparents are useless, spineless, self obsessed a-holes. I feel guilty. I feel like if I just sucked it up, and dealt with the anxiety and bit my tongue, or just let them keep abusing me then they wouldn't be punishing the kids. I just can't believe anyone would punish a small child like that...it's their own grandchild for craps sake! Who does that? Either way I guess they've shown their true colors. Now I have to figure out how to explain it to the little ones when they ask why.

Even when you win you lose

At least that's how it felt today. It's still a little too raw to go into all the details, but I'll hit on the high and low lights of the day.

1. I found out his mother and the X both wrote declarations to the court. In the X's he called the kids liars. Nicely legally worded of course, but the gist of it is that the man called his children liars. He claimed that he never said anything inappropriate to the children and never discussed suicide with them.

I questioned both of them again and they both gave me the same basic details, but in their own words. My 11 year old cries every time we discuss it, she can't fake this level of grief and fear. I'm their mother, I know their heart, I know when they lie.... they are telling the truth and that rat bastard perjured himself to make himself look better.

2. In an attempt to ambush me and make me feel weak his Mother, Father (who up until this moment has been totally uninvolved so why show up now?) and his Step Father all showed up en masse in court to object on his behalf. They have ZERO legal say in this and were told flat out that they don't have to like it, it's going to happen anyway.

My mother and Bestie, Ethel , ran into his Mommy Dearest in the ladies room and gave me advanced warning so I wasn't taken by surprise. No words were shared between us and I kept my back to them the entire time. There is no chance for any kind of decent relationship between us now... I've tried too many times to keep the peace and have had them shit all over me time and time again. I'm not putting myself or the kids through that anymore. They picked a side. They want to excuse the X's psychotic behavior, want to call myself and my children liars, and want to support his delusions and finance his crazy attempts to have access to the kids he's damaged so much.

3. So I "won" in that the restraining order was granted and all letters will go to the kids therapist who will decide when/and if it's ever in their best interest to have them. But I had to question my kids honesty to be sure (I hate that I had to do that, I had no doubts but I wanted to cover all bases)

The judge said, "it only makes sense that the restraining order stays in effect until he can get out of jail and all the appropriate steps are taken to follow the parenting plan."

But you know what? I still feel like a loser. I feel like the kids have lost out more than anyone else. A crazy father, grandparents who call you a liar and don't care about your safety, a truck load of emotional and trust issues, and their sense of security.

Some days it's just too much to handle.

The past couple of days have been rough. To be honest, the past week has been hell. With the 13th being the one year Anniversary of the crime I've been very edgy. September 10th would have been my 16th wedding anniversary as well, and while I didn't actively think about that...something had been nagging at me the whole day. Like some important that I forgot, and about two o'clock in the afternoon I looked hard at the calender for a bit and realized what it was.

Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.

Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.

And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!

Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.

I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.

So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.

To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.

So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.

I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.

I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.

And the drama goes on...

I got a lovely call today. A collection agent - which, to be honest, is nothing new. A fantastically fun byproduct of my divorce. He gets to walk away debt free because mommy and daddy paid off his debts while he sits in jail and I get saddled with credit card bills, car payments, student loans, collection agents, a foreclosed house, the entire cost of raising four kids AND... drum roll please....

Medical bills.

When X brought that gun to my house I got away with a separated shoulder and my foot was broken in two places. The medical bills were supposed to be paid by Labor and Industries from a victims relief fund. I was told the bills were paid. I come to find out tonight that they never were and I've been sent to collections for a total of over $3000.00 in hospital bills.

I don't have three grand. I don't have a grand. I don't have a spare twenty bucks. I also don't have the desire to keep messing with this crap day in and day out. I just want some god damned peace. I want one freaking day where I don't have some new and hideous fall out to deal with. One day without finding out there's something else coming around to bite me on the ass.

I'm not sure what my options are. The collection agent was very kind. She made notes, took down my identification number and case number and said she would work on it on her end. I may have to contact the state and try to reopen a case with them. She wanted to be honest with me though that these cases, once denied are seldom paid after the fact.

So once again... I get screwed. Screwed by the X. Screwed by the system. Screwed by the in-laws. I'm ready to cry.

Just when you get a handle on things...(warning this is NOT a p.c. feel good post)

the rug is pulled out from under you. I guess that's kind of universal for a lot of us single parents, but that sure doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm going to vent, and I feel no need to kiss any one's ass or be politically correct. I'm going to say exactly what's on my mind. If this offends you then I'm sorry.

DSHS has decided that I should be capable of meeting all my children's needs on my own without their assistance. The system I helped pay into for years with our exorbitant taxes is no longer available to me when I find myself in need of it. For craps sake, I make 15.00 per hour, who the hell can raise four kids on their own - w/o child support - on that? Are these bureaucratic nimrods on crack?

I sat there last week, feeling defeated and pathetic, with my pay stubs, my utility bills, and my ridiculous excel spreadsheet showing how much I'm short each month. I plead my case and laid out exactly why I need help with things like childcare and medical insurance for my children. It doesn't matter. They don't care. It has to be a hard job being a social worker - but the total apathy these people have towards other humans in need makes me want to spit in their holier than thou faces.

I was actually told that if I was "unemployed" i.e. "If you quit your job" then there would be plenty of services available. WTF? You're encouraging someone to quit their job and go on welfare? Really? This is your idea of "help"? When I was making $13.00 per hour they told me I was too poor for low income housing. Yes you read that right... TOO POOR. I wasn't going to be able to afford my utilities so they wouldn't even put me on the waiting list. All they would do was give me a list of shelters to try (none of which would take a family of five, I would have had to separate my kids up and send the older two alone to a youth shelter and keep the younger two with me.) So I get a better job and whoa Nelly now on two bucks more an hour I should be able to meet all our needs, no problem. Does anyone else see a problem here? Am I the only one with a look on confusion on their face?

I know it sounds horrible, and I try not to make this a race issue but the teenage girl with the THREE children under the age of five, the neck tattoo, and the interpreter sure didn't leave with a frown on her face. I have the impression from her smile that they didn't cut HER services... so EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME for being born in this country and having a JOB. Excuse me for finding myself in a situation - not by my own making - where I'm a single mother. They actually said, "well you went to college, you have a degree. Why can't you make more money?" In this economy? What the hell? The system is broken. Backwards, demented, retarded, and just plain broke as hell.

So I put in my paperwork to start a formal appeal. I'm hoping that at the very least they'll put me on the sliding scale for reduced cost medical and childcare. They took away my free birth control so I will have to figure out what to do about that. I can't afford to pay for my Depo shots - and I certainly can't afford to have another baby. Maybe that's the trick... I just keep pumpin' out babies until I pass the threshold and qualify for help again. What a fantastic idea!! (insert dramatic eye roll here)

They also took away my food stamps - which was a pathetic meager amount to begin with that was only 1/4 what it actually costs me to feed my family. I'll tighten my belt and make my food budget stretch. The kids will learn to live without snack foods and we can certainly cut out some of the more expensive cuts of meat we enjoy. Like my dad said, "hey kiddo - we lived on ham, rice and beans when I was growing up - there are ways to feed a family on the cheap. You'll be okay!"

It's infuriating that services are available if you come here from another country, if you just pump out one kid after the other from the time you hit puberty, or if you choose not to work even though you're able to - but someone who needs temporary help until they can get on their feet, someone whose taxes have paid into the system for years, someone who is willing to work; well that person is just shit outta luck.

I guess what really frustrates me is that I had gotten myself to a place where I was able to pay my bills on my own with a small amount of assistance from the state. Now I HAVE to depend on BLT to help pay the bills - and I promised myself I wouldn't be financially dependant on anyone ever again. If a year from now he decides he doesn't love me anymore, or if this life isn't what he really wants... I could lose everything. I feel insecure and the lack of control makes me feel like a failure. Others manage to do this on their own. I'm the kids' only parent. I should be able to put food on the table and pay for their basic needs and I can't. There isn't a way to make those dollars stretch enough. I've looked at it every which way possible. I've had another set of eyes on it....it's impossible on my own with my bills.

I feel beat up. I know it will pass...but tonight I feel like someone ran me over and left me for dead.

Well that was an unwelcome surprise!

I go to the Dr. today to get my Depo shot, and low and behold they inform me that I need a pap... nice. I didn't realize when I made the appointment I was signing on to be poked, prodded and invaded by cold, foreign objects while wearing a paper dress.

For craps sake I didn't even shower people! I mean, I showered the night before, but you know how it is... when you know someones going to be wrist deep in your girly parts you make sure you're spring fresh beforehand!!!

Now that I've been violated by a perfect stranger I think I'll use the rest of my weight watchers points for the day and have myself a beer and a skinny cow truffle bar... because damn it, I deserve it! (said in my best bat shit crazy Mel Gibson voice)

You've got to be kidding me...

According to a reliable source my bat shit crazy ex husband is now going to try and sue me for contempt of court. Apparently he feels that since he hasn't lost his parental rights I'm in contempt for not telling him where the girls are living, going to school and daycare.

The problem I have... well okay, there are many... but lets start with the fact that if he finds out where THEY are, then he finds out where I am. Since he attempted to shoot me, and I have a five year no contact order I'm thinking I don't have to inform him of shit. Also, as of right now the kids are still on an order of protection. He's not even allowed near their school or day care...so this all stinks of just being another attempt to cost me legal fees I don't have and punish me any way he can.

Who knows if his nearly as crazy mother will finance this new little bit of insanity. I'm thinking I have a fifty-fifty shot she'll say no. He pretty much bankrupted her with his uber expensive defense lawyer who got him his cherry of a deal and then his ridiculously expensive divorce lawyer that pretty much did nothing, but sucked his mother's bank account dry and keep him from loosing everything but the prison issue underwear he's using.

On a related, but slightly different topic. I've as of yet still not heard a word from f'ing Prudential who holds the 401K funds. I was awarded 85% of those funds, and it said in the divorce papers that they were required to contact me "in a timely manner" to let me know how to get those funds. No contact yet via phone, mail, email or through my lawyer. So I have no clue what to do.

I don't have any phone or account numbers to reference and I'm pretty sure I can't just call Prudential up and say "hey, twat waffle...where's my money?" although that would be just a wee bit satisfying, if juvenile. If I can't get those funds I have no idea how I'm going to buy school clothes for all four kids, plus supplies, back packs, winter coats, shoes etc. Without any child support I can barely just squeak by paying my bills and covering rent etc. Those kinds of extras just aren't in the budget.

So... life marches forward. Just a little more crazy today than yesterday. But honestly at this point I should expect these things to pop up from time to time. For the next 13 years I'm going to have to deal with Capt. Crazypants and whatever ridiculous way he can come up with to make my life difficult. God help me I hope I don't end up on an episode of Snapped one day.

Craptastic

I'm feeling a little blue tonight. I was watching some chick flick and I've come to realize why these feel good, girly movies make me feel exactly the opposite. I feel like shit. Why? Because the last thing I want to see is some guy who loves his kids and steps up and is all excited about being married and/or being a daddy...or whatever.

I have this intense guilt over the fact that I didn't end it sooner with my X. If I had just grown a pair and left when I knew it wasn't going to work I would only have the older two kids (not that I don't adore all of my children, that's not it at all), not four kids brought into this world with a man who didn't give a crap. A man who didn't know who their dentist was, or what the name of their school teachers were. A man who told his children I was a whore, and how they should kill themselves if he didn't come home the night he tried to shoot me.

I had a horrible day to begin with. I didn't sleep well, the dogs took a crap in my car when I took them for a ride, BLT and Lady Bug are both sick, my power steering went out on my car, the kids were not nearly appreciative enough of the dinner I spent over an hour making for them, and to top it all off I feel F-A-T. I haven't had sex in a few days... that doesn't help.

So add to it all a "feel good" movie where some guy picks up his baby daughter, looking into the mother's eyes and they all profess this undying love for eachother and I just feel like a loser. I total failure as a wife and mother... I just feel craptastic in general.

I'm going to go to bed. I realize that tomorrow is a new day. I new chance to show my kids I love them. I new opportunity to do something for myself that'll make me feel good... like taking my car to the shop and emptying my savings account to get it fixed.