It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Some days it's just too much to handle.

The past couple of days have been rough. To be honest, the past week has been hell. With the 13th being the one year Anniversary of the crime I've been very edgy. September 10th would have been my 16th wedding anniversary as well, and while I didn't actively think about that...something had been nagging at me the whole day. Like some important that I forgot, and about two o'clock in the afternoon I looked hard at the calender for a bit and realized what it was.

Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.

Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.

And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!

Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.

I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.

So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.

To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.

So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.

I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.

I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.


  1. Cognitive behavior therapy for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

    Just sayin'.

    You are going to feel however you feel until YOU can fix it. They (family, BLT) just don't know what to do to help you. AND THEY WANT TO HELP YOU.

    Seriously. See if you can talk to someone about this. It is being used on soldiers too. (I hate that I know this...)

  2. First not everyone thinks you should just be over it. Secondly I agree and have felt since the beginning that you need professional help to get through this. I know you weren't ready and I know that money is a roadblock but ther are therapists with sliding scales, there are support groups. Your folks, BLT, your friends all love you and want the best for you.....but damn it you are stubborn and this is uncharted territory. I know that this loss of control is tearing you apart. I sense you are trying to rebuild your privacy, trying to find that balance between letting people help you and being independant. Trying to live a normal life. You have a right to your feelings. We all love you. I don't have to have a gun pointed to my head to know that what you went through and are recovering from isn't doesn't have a magic stopwatch..... PSTD is real and I know I've mentioned it before. I'll bet there are support groups online even.

    Maybe saying these things here is wrong but my communication skills suck as of late. I'm not much but I'm here.

    Love you.

  3. Oh and I know you are saying "pot or kettle?" To me calling you stubborn.

  4. I am no good at all at offering advice or opinions, so I usually don't, but I am listening. All I have for you, for what it's worth, is just a hug.
    Hang in there.