Being Lonely Is Not the Same As Being Alone

I get these peppy little messages from the "Universe" sent to my email every morning.  Just little blurbs to remind me to be thankful, to have faith in the greater good of people, or to believe in myself.  Positive affirmations I guess you could call them.

Well today's email contained a simple message that struck me quite deeply.  Just because one feels lonely does not mean that they are in fact alone. 

I had an Ah Ha moment.  One of the things my darling Ethel has been struggling with is loneliness, and the fear that she won't find someone to love her just the way that she is.  She is feeling lonely.... but all that means.... are you listening dear heart?  Yes YOU... the little blond one there with the funky vintage bracelet and the semi retarded Labrador...

I means that you're not paying attention to the people around you.  Your loneliness comes from a place of fear. It means that you're not taking advantage of all the people who love you, and support you.  You're not enjoying the company and companionship of the people in your life who enjoy YOU and want to participate in your life.  Just the way you are.  Every quirk, every self imagined "flaw", every strength (and there are many) and every beautiful thing that make you Ethel.

Because once you do... once you truly embrace all the love, friendship, compassion, and enjoyment of the people who choose to be in your life I can't imagine you'll have time for loneliness.  And once you've opened up your heart and fully accepted how amazing you are then love - TRUE, REAL, LASTING LOVE can also enter your world. 

Because really - until we love ourselves we aren't open to the love of someone else.  Until we know that we are worthy we don't command the kind of respect and affection we deserve.

It's easy to say.... and harder to do.  I know that.   But try and be kind and patient with yourself, and if you are feeling lonely remember to look around. There are quite a few of us who love you and want to spend time with you.

Half Truth Lies

A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies. - Tennyson

When you love someone you hate to see them hurting.  Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life.  Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering. 

Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that.  She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.

He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years.  When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry.  She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again.  She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy.  She believed....  and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change.  She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too.  But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him.  Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies.  More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.

And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen.  An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE!  Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue.  Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control.  She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him.  Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify.  She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends.  Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you?  I personally don't think so.

I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married.  There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation.  So she tries not to make waves.  I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.

Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it.  I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex.  I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did.  Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred.  What I keep asking her is "why"? 

What did he do that was so loving?  Did he cherish you?  Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things? 

If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding.  I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion.  I could help her end this cycle of grief.  I WANT to understand.  I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.

I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.

Lucy version 2.0

You know how some guys have a "type"?  Well my X has a type...it's everything I'm not.  He told me a hundred times.  He likes em' tiny, blond, blue eyed, and a little on the wholesome side.  Reese Witherspoon with big tits is his ideal.  He even said on a few occasions that he was surprised he ever asked me out, that mostly he felt sorry for me, because I'm not his type. 

Once in the middle of having sex he looked down and me and said, "you know if you went tanning, and dyed your hair blond, and looked totally different you could be really hot."  He was confused by my instant, "get the hell off of me before I castrate you."  You see he had no clue why that was insulting.

So imagine my surprise when I saw a picture of his new live in girlfriend.  Yes people... the man who has only been out of jail for domestic violence with a gun for 3 months found some woman to move in with. And holy hell batman she has KIDS. Plural.   The man who intensly dislikes children, and didn't care enough about his own kids to be a part of their lives on any more than a very base level moved in with a woman who has 3 children.

I won't lie.  I looked her up on Facebook.  Oh Em Gee... it's a total mind fuck.  Excuse the foul language but it's totally deserving in this situation.

We have the same hair color and style.  We are the same height, in fact she's a bit taller according to former Father In Law.  She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am though... she's a larger version of me! We wear the same glasses.  We have the same college degree and career path.  We have the same favorite movie, favorite book/authors.  We both are runners.  We both have several kids.  We both have prominent chins with clefts in the center.

Holy crap people I'm not imagining it... Ethel saw it too.  HE'S REPLACED ME... WITH ME! LUCY VS. 2.0  I'm not sure who should be more creeped out.  Me, because even though I was never his ideal he went out and purposefully found someone as close to me as humanly possible? Or her... because she's his ex wife's doppleganger.  He met her online according to mutual family (they vollunteered this juicy tid bit in an effort to bait me or judge my reaction, I didn't ask where they met)  so that means that he had to wade through other options to purposefully chose my twin.

Creeeeepy if you ask me....especially since his last letter about a year ago said, that he promised he would get back everything that was taken away from him. 

Good lord I wonder if that woman has any idea what she got herself into?

So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.

Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago.  Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head.  See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily.  Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.

But alas... no.  Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here)  see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist.  Everything is about her.  Her feelings.  The work she does, the ways she suffers.  That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out. 
*****************************
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess.  It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven  to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?

How exactly would you like me to suffer?  What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation?  Did I terrorize your son with a gun?  No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain.  Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?

So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do.  PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper.  Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?

Lets see... what else have we got? 

Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation...  no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?

So where are we?  Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares...  and those are just the biggies.  There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I.  There was a difficult job change.  There is the daily struggle to parent four kids.  There are questions to which I may never have answers.

So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma?  Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state?  Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?

Because, as far as I can tell...  beyond everything else I listed,  just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough.  Now I'm getting on with my life.  I don't care to placate you any longer.  I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues.  I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.

I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists.  It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye.  No it's not me... it's you.  I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends.  Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.

With my head held high,
Lucy

*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better....  I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***

A Real Man...

A real man will hold your hand in public, even if you're not looking your best.

A real man will help you clean vomit off the floor when your kids get sick - even when they aren't his kids.

A real man knows how to laugh at himself.

A real man pushes you to do things that scare you when he knows its in your best interest.

A real man will help comfort a small child who just found out their grandmother died.

I will NEVER take my man for granted.  Today he held my hand.  Today he laughed at himself.  Today he held my baby and dried her tears when she found out her Great Grandmother passed away. 

Today I fell in love with him all over again.

Healing from the Inside Out

I saw a show on t.v. last night that made me think.  Pssst...not ALL television rots your brain. This was a medical drama / solve the mystery / based on real events kinds of thing where a beautiful, young, up and coming model drops dead.  It's not until her autopsy that they find out she's riddled with disease.  What was perfect on the outside was full of rot and decay on the inside.

That's exactly what my marriage was like - Pretty on the outside.  It made me think about other marriages I've seen break up lately.  It's a perfect euphemism for the cancer that grows inside some relationships, and how insidiously it can spread.  You just never can tell what's really going on sometimes.  Ethel called me earlier in the week to tell me about a family member getting divorced.  This woman went to amazing lengths to have children - only to realize it's much harder than she anticipated.  She moved out of her house and will pay her husband child support while he becomes the full time parent...  WOW.  I just can't imagine ever making that choice. 

I'm sure there are many, varied issues going on that led to the divorce.  There always is.  It just seemed so out of the blue to people on the outside.

Which caused me to spend some time considering my own divorce, and the time since then I've spent trying to heal.  I think I've been going about this the wrong way...  I've always been highly aware of my "image" while I was married. It became very important to me to maintain the perception that everything was perfect.  That has followed me into this new phase of my life.  I've spent a lots of time and energy trying to make sure neighbors, friends, family, teachers, and former in laws see the "right things".  I've forced the kids to participate in events they didn't want to for appearances.  I've made mistakes and choices I'm not proud of to present the image of a happy, well adjusted, family.

I was going by the old saying, "Fake it till you make it." only it isn't working....  and if I was honest with myself up front I would have accepted that it's a bullshit excuse for not doing the hard work of dealing with our problems head on.

I think it's time to try a new tactic, I think it's time to start working from the INSIDE out.  I think the issues my oldest child and I are having partially result from not dealing with the anger, fear, and level of disrespect that was rampant in our home prior to the divorce.  I have to work on  all of these issues inside our house, and inside our relationship and ourselves and not worry about how it looks to outsiders. 

So our life isn't as pretty and glossy as it used to be - so what! At least we'll be healthy. In the end there is one universal truth...  Beauty fades, you can't maintain the image of perfection forever.  We can't pretend everything is okay if it's not.  I'm not willing to live a lie like that anymore.  I want better for myself and my kids.

I guess I AM that kind of girl....

Several years ago, had you asked me to describe myself I would have told you that I'm rather unfeminine. I would have told you I don't cry...ever.  I cried at my grandma's funeral, and then went about 8 years without shedding a tear.  I would have told you I don't participate in public displays of affection, and that I detest pet names. I would have told you that I hate to snuggle.  I would have made it very clear that I have no use for displays of excess emotion and I really don't know how to deal with them.

Fast forward three years....go through an affair and a separation.  Get a job for the first time in 12 years.  Survived having your ex husband try to kill you.  Become nearly homeless if it weren't for the love and support of dear family and friends.  Spend some time falling in love for the first time in your life. Spend some time being a single parent of four young children.  Have your home foreclosed on and your credit destroyed. There is no way I could be the same person after all of that.

It hit me like lightening the other day.  BLT asked me a question, "Hey babe can we..." and I replied, "of course my love."  HUH?  Pet names? Me?  I AM that girl now.  I am so very fundamentally different in my own eyes from the person I was a few years ago. I'm softer in a way.  The thing I look forward to most is crawling into my bed at night and being held by him.  We're always looking for moments to snatch a kiss or a cuddle. We walk hand in hand, we talk about our feelings and our dreams for the future. 

I've cried more tears in the year and a half since my Ex brought that gun to my house than I've cried in my entire previous 30 odd years on this planet.  I feel things very deeply now, and I know that part of that is the PTSD, the fear, and the resulting the frustration and the helplessness that this situation brought about. Part of it is feeling safe, and cherished though too.  I don't carry around this weighty judgement and ridicule on my back  any longer.  I don't feel like I HAVE to be tough to get respect. I KNOW I'm respected.

It just hit me all at once that maybe I've always been this kind of woman...I just wasn't with the right kind of man who could bring out this softer side.  Maybe it wasn't ME at all, but instead it was him, or at the very least the dynamic between us that made me so much less affectionate and emotional when I was married to my Ex.

I used to think people didn't change... and maybe our core values and personality traits don't.  But I'm starting to believe that the people we surround ourselves with and the people we build a life with have a much greater impact on who we are and how we behave than I ever realized.

I thought we already dealt with this issue...

The past three days my TNT has had a REALLY hard time at the day care center. Her teacher said she was weepy, and anti-social. TNT is normally very social, but the past few days she has refused to participate and spent the whole time (two days in a row) crying and hiding. Then Monkey Pants, being protective of her sister, got into the act too.

I sat TNT down tonight for a long talk to get to the bottom of this behavior. It turns out that TNT and Monkey Pants decided that BLT left and would never come back. She said, "BLT left and HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!" Monkey pants said, "I miss his hugs, I'm sad."

You see, when my X lost his mind and brought that gun to my house he first tucked the kids into bed at his house, and then he never came back. He was arrested after a six hour stand off with the police, and they haven't heard from or seen him since - as he is now a guest of the state.

In their world, when someone leaves while you're asleep they just don't come back. BLT had to leave for the airport at 4:00 am, so they woke up to his absence. Instead of talking to me about it TNT got sad and then defiant. I didn't put the two together instantly because we spent months working on their separation issues. It took a long time to convince them that I would ALWAYS come back, no matter what. I thought we had worked through those fears, but apparently there are still some lingering doubts in their mind, or some fear of being abandoned.

BLT called tonight, and after I described her behavior, and what she said to me he asked to talk to both of them - he assured them that he was coming home. He told them that he missed them. It was like all the sadness just disappeared in an instant. Tonight they are painting pictures and so much more settled and content.

Apparently I'm not the only one missing him.

Two sides to every story...

One of the things I'm working on in therapy is remembering that there are two sides to every story. There are multiple viewpoints. There are past experiences and relationships that influence people's decisions.

It's not easy, because everything from "them" feels like an attack. Everything feel like there are ulterior motives. It's hard to be open minded.

I'm trying... for my kids sake. Not in regards to the X - he's dog meat as far as I'm concerned and crazy dog meat at that. I'm talking about the family - cousins, sister in law, friends etc. I'm trying to be open to hearing their side of things - but it's hard.

Just having these conversations makes me extreamly anxious.

Letters, Ground Rules, Good Friends, and the Holidays

Letters: Drama Momma (former mother in law) sent the kids cards. I assumed they were Christmas cards and let the kids open them without looking at them first. A mistake on my part. They were "wish you were here" and "miss you so much" kinds of things that just made the kids feel bad. I'm sure she meant well - but she just never thinks about how her actions effect the kids. What a dolt...

Ground Rules: The kids will be going to Drama Momma's house on Christmas day for a few hours to visit with family that is in town and to exchange gifts. Their therapist thinks that it's a good idea to keep one or two of the kids most beloved traditions, so I'm going to allow this. I'm going to have to have a firm talk (again) with the in-laws and go over the ground rules - not that I have any faith she'll follow my requests. Ugh, I hate this.

Good Friends: I spent Sunday with a good friend. We shall call her Goldilocks. We took a long walk, we baked cookies, we talked. Goldie is great because she's very no nonsense. She'll tell you exactly what she thinks. She is also the kind of mom that makes sure her kids help clean up before she leaves. She'll wash her own dishes or bring over a nice treat...she's just considerate. I used her impending visit as a motivator for my youngest two kiddo's to get their room all organized and cleaned before the holidays. It looks SO nice and when Goldie and her kids left it was still all organized - WIN!

Holidays: I'm lacking the holiday spirit big time this year, but I'm going with the theory - Fake it until you make it. I'm hosting a cookie and gift exchange. I've decorated the house and wrapped all my holiday gifts. I'm playing the Christmas tunes... I figure the spirit has to come over me at some point right?

That Inbreeding Will Get'cha Every Time...

Part of the whole dysfunction that is my extended family is the result of some interesting marrying in between my X's family and my own. Not necessarily in a Hillbilly Shotgun wedding sort of way... but I'll totally admit that my Great Grandparents were second cousins. Seriously... weird I know.

Well it works like this. Mr In-Law started out as my Uncle. He was married to my father's sister and divorced for about 15 years. My senior year in high school he met my X's mother - we'll call her Drama Momma. Well Mr. In-Law and Drama Momma hit it off and several years later they were married. So my Uncle became my Father in Law, and my Cousin became my Sister in Law.
What I can't wrap my mind around is how the X commits the horrible crime that he does against me, he says and does all the terrible and irresponsible things to the children... and in the end I'm the one who's loosing her friends and family. I'm the one who gets letters in the mail asking me to beg God for forgiveness for my sins so that he'll repair my marriage because my X "is a good man who lost his way". I'm the one who's Uncle, who knew her for her entire life, chose the X's family over her. I'm the one who's cousin is barely speaking to her because, even though she doesn't like the X, she feels the need to protect Mr. In Law, her father.

All my cousins and extended family from that side are blaming me for all of this. I was told that I wasn't welcome in their home during Christmas. They said I should plan on dropping off the kids and leaving. Even though I haven't seen my cousins in three years, and they'll be up for the holidays, I'm not welcome. I can't come by and spend time with them.... I'm not wanted and it hurts.

I know that when the X and I got divorced I was also, in a way, divorcing his family. I just didn't realize I would be divorcing my own as well. Like a fool I assumed that our long standing relationship would withstand this, that I would always have their love and support. I should be strong enough and self sufficient enough to say, "to hell with you then" - but I'm not.

It hurts.

It's confusing and frustrating.

I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it but hope it stops breaking my heart some day soon because sometimes I feel like I've lost so much I can't take loosing anything else.

Bigger Isn't Always Better

The joy of simplicity is a new lesson for me. In the past, I admit that I was a gluttonous consumer. I bought into the suburban ideal of bigger, better, fancier, and more expensive as the road to happiness.

I pushed my ex husband to buy bigger houses each time we had another child on the way. I was convinced we needed bigger cars, or better cars with more features. Somehow I thought if I lived in a "better" neighborhood, in a bigger house I would be happy. If I could have those cherry hardwood floors and granite counter tops I could feel satisfied. If I hosted Thanksgiving for 20 and bankrupted myself buying the perfect table ware and decorations then I would prove what a good wife and mother I was. I would be worthy... I would be lovable if I could be a cross between Martha Steward and Mary Poppins. I made napkin rings and place cards for goodness sake.

And you know what? I didn't feel more loved. I wasn't satisfied with my ginormous house that took forever to clean. I felt put out and exhausted, and mostly unappreciated.

This year I hosted a smaller dinner for my parents, Ethel's family, BLT, the kids and I. I used a table cloth and dishes I already had. I asked for help. I nixed the heels and fancy dress and chose instead to wear jeans and pulled my hair back in a pony tail. I laughed, I cried a little, I said a genuine prayer of gratitude for the people I love and for the blessings in my life. For the first time in longer than I can remember I felt HAPPY as I sat down to eat my Thanksgiving meal. I felt appreciated and loved.... and I didn't have to have a fancy house or new dishes, or handmade napkin rings to get it.

This lesson of simplicity and appreciation is a long time coming. I'm enjoying this new way of life.

Controling the Anxiety, Standing Up For Myself, and Not Making Plans

I've had several pretty massive panic attacks lately. I've also had several smaller, more easily controlled bouts of anxiety as well. I'm working on removing the things from my life that cause those anxious feelings, and dealing with the ones that I can't remove. What causes me the most stress is finding myself in situations where I don't have control, especially in regards to my former husband's family. I don't know what information they are funnelling to him and/or his bulldog lawyers. I can't handle having them minimize my feelings or what the kids are going through. Dealing with them at all is a huge trigger for me.


To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.


As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.


I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.


Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."


Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.

Divorce Shouldn't Make You Depressed...

I saw this post today over at The Huffington Post.


"Divorce shouldn't make you depressed; it's being unhappily married that does that." Sascha Rothchild.


True enough. I know I spend a lot of time here lamenting all the bull shit my X puts me through, and sharing my fears and my struggles. But I realize that these are things I have to deal with now - they aren't going to be my whole life. They aren't what defines me. I don't want anyone to think I regret my divorce, and I don't want anyone to think I'm not a happy person.

Honestly - I wouldn't change my decision to divorce him. Even with all the crap going on I'm still happier, healthier, and in general a truer, better version of myself now that I'm not married to him.

I'm stronger, and a lot wiser. I learned a lot during my marriage and divorce. I've learned what I want in a partner and what I'm not willing to compromise on. I'm better at communicating my needs and standing up for myself. I think, most importantly, I'm a better role model for my four children.

The Art of Doing Nothing

Saturday and Sunday were do nothing days. I'm emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, broke, and in near constant pain with my shoulder and foot problems from the injuries obtained that night.


So I was lazy. I slept in (REALLY slept in, like past 10 am both days) I laid in bed. I worked on a stitching project for Christmas. I watched movies, napped, and didn't cook a single meal.


I went for one walk with BLT. I cleaned my house and checked my email. I let my kids eat sandwiches for lunches and heat up left overs for dinners...they survived just fine. I didn't accomplish much, but I feel pretty good about my decision to just "be" for a whole weekend. I really needed to get myself together after the past week and the emotionally charged call to the in-laws yesterday.


Ahhh... now I get to kick my butt into gear for the rest of the week!

Therapy, Kids, and Court

Therapy for the kids and I is going well. It's hard for me to hear their pain described in their own words - but it's so beneficial for all of us.

Chef has discussed her self inflicted vomiting and the use of continued self harm to manipulate people with her therapist, and I've seen a big improvement with her attitude and a reduction in the number of angry silent bouts of depression.

Lady Bug is working with the therapist to try and decide if she even wants to see or have contact with the X when he's released. Not that she'll have much of a say - but for her own piece of mind and mental health she should come to a decision to alleviate all this anxiety. She feels better knowing that it's okay and normal to feel conflicted. It's okay for her to still love her dad, but to be afraid of him and disappointed in him. It doesn't make her a bad kid. She really struggles with that.

My own therapy is more exhausting than anything else. I'm working on retraining my body and mind to not have a huge adrenaline rush every time something startling happens. It's like my body goes to instant "fight or flight" at the slightest provocation. I've been told it's a pretty typical PTSD symptom, but that I can re-train my body to react differently.

I head back to court the first week in November. I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm trying to remove his rights to send letters to the kids, and to extend the Order of Protection for another year. This will allow him to get out of jail, and then have 7 months to get his life together, and to get some counseling of his own before he has access to the kids. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to get mental health treatment - I mean the kids and I are all getting help, why shouldn't the person who caused all this be required to do the same? I'm hoping the court sees the wisdom in this request.

Part of me is very worried because his uber pricey law team requested a continuance in order to "formulate their rebuttal". What in the word could they possibly rebut? I have the threatening letter he sent, there is proof that he's refused all mental health counseling while in prison. He made threats to take the children and disappear on several occasions. I can't imagine what they possibly have up their sleeves, and that not knowing makes me nuts.

I guess all I can do is show up and plead my case to the best of my ability and pray for the best.

We Are Family

The issue of exactly what is a family has been raised by my children. Last week Monkey Pants asked BLT if he was a part of our family. He asked if the kids wanted him to be a part of our family and they all gave a resounding "yes" so he said, "then it's settled...we're a family" and that seemed to make them happy.

Several times over the past few months Lady Bug asked if we would get married. I told her that mommy has no plans to get married any time soon. She seems okay with this, but excited about the possibility of a future wedding for her to take part in. I think it's her dreams of wearing a fancy bridesmaid dress more than a need for the adults in her life to be legally wed that brings on these questions.

This week BLT's parents and his two year old, Fraggle, came to visit. BLT has a complicated shared custody arrangement with Fraggles maternal grandparents. Fraggles mother isn't in the picture for the most part. This is something that worked out really well while he lived in the same state, but is going to have to change soon - we are going to wait until the X gets out of jail and see if life settles down a bit before we bring a toddler into the mix and we start doing the legal work to get her up here with us.

Having the Fraggle here has felt like it was meant to be. The kids all adore each other. Chef babysat this evening so that the adults could have a grown up dinner together. Fraggle has been sleeping in our bed between us - and it's just like when my own babies were toddlers. It just feels right.

When Fraggle looked at me today and said, "I love you" it melted my heart.

No matter how unconventional, and no matter what anyone else might think we ARE a family. And I'm madly in love with the loud, busy, slightly odd family we are becoming.

Simple Pleasures

A hot shower, home made Sheppard's pie for dinner, a soft kiss on my neck from the man I love, a good book, warm flannel pajamas, and tired muscles from a good workout.

Simple pleasures.

The past couple of weeks have been really emotional. Really hard. I get caught up sometimes in this big ocean of anger, guilt, and stress that I'm swimming in and I lose focus on the small things that give me such pleasure.

I don't want anyone, especially my kids and BLT, to think that I don't recognize or appreciate my blessings. I do, I honestly and truly do. If there is anything the past year has taught me it's that "things' are transitory and unimportant. I had a 400K dollar home. I had new cars, fancy vacations, expensive jewelry - even a housekeeper for awhile. None of it made me happy.

Now I have my little blue cottage, my kids, the love of a good man, and a job I'm proud of. I have the support and love of family and friends and I'm surrounded only by the things that are near and dear to my heart.

Vintage table clothes, a comfy garage sale chair, jeans that fit just right, Chef's chocolate chip cookies. Simple pleasures and someone to share them with. That's all I really need.

Okay, the pity party is over

I picked myself up by my bootstraps today, put on my big girl panties and spent the day with Ethel.

I have my kids.
I have BLT.
I have good friends.

I'll make it through this in the end. If there is anything this past year has taught me, it's that I'm resilient. I bounce back. I recover.

Back to my regularly scheduled, ass-kicking life. Now where did I put those gold stilettos?

Some days it's just too much to handle.

The past couple of days have been rough. To be honest, the past week has been hell. With the 13th being the one year Anniversary of the crime I've been very edgy. September 10th would have been my 16th wedding anniversary as well, and while I didn't actively think about that...something had been nagging at me the whole day. Like some important that I forgot, and about two o'clock in the afternoon I looked hard at the calender for a bit and realized what it was.

Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.

Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.

And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!

Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.

I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.

So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.

To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.

So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.

I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.

I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.