Wanted:
One good man for my dear friend Ethel.
The appropriate applicant will be moderately handsome in a rugged way. No pretty boys need apply. (Why moderately handsome? Because you can't be so hound dog homely her girly bits dry up at the sight of you, and not so drop dead gorgeous that you think your God's gift to vaginas everywhere)
He will also be honest, funny but not at the expense of others and not in any way that could be showcased on the TV show "Jack Ass". This applicant will be gainfully employed, not living with his parents unless they are elderly and/or handicapped; because the former is creepy but the latter is sweet... understand the difference? Good! He will know how to balance a check book, cook an edible meal, and understands the reason for separating the colors from the whites when doing laundry.
Mr. Perfect must have an appreciation for a lush female form. He must worship her petite "plush-ness" and love her just the way she is - and yet enjoy various recreational activities which will encourage her to maintain her path towards optimal health and happiness.
If you are between the ages of 32 - 45 and meet the above qualifications please apply in person with Lucy. Gifts of chocolate and James Rollin's novels great appreciated, and flattery will get you everywhere. Please provide proof of employment and a clean STD panel from your doctor.
No cross dressers, liars, nail biters, drug addicts, or anyone who knows all the words to any Counting Crows song need apply.
Showing posts with label Ethel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ethel. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Being Lonely Is Not the Same As Being Alone
I get these peppy little messages from the "Universe" sent to my email every morning. Just little blurbs to remind me to be thankful, to have faith in the greater good of people, or to believe in myself. Positive affirmations I guess you could call them.
Well today's email contained a simple message that struck me quite deeply. Just because one feels lonely does not mean that they are in fact alone.
I had an Ah Ha moment. One of the things my darling Ethel has been struggling with is loneliness, and the fear that she won't find someone to love her just the way that she is. She is feeling lonely.... but all that means.... are you listening dear heart? Yes YOU... the little blond one there with the funky vintage bracelet and the semi retarded Labrador...
I means that you're not paying attention to the people around you. Your loneliness comes from a place of fear. It means that you're not taking advantage of all the people who love you, and support you. You're not enjoying the company and companionship of the people in your life who enjoy YOU and want to participate in your life. Just the way you are. Every quirk, every self imagined "flaw", every strength (and there are many) and every beautiful thing that make you Ethel.
Because once you do... once you truly embrace all the love, friendship, compassion, and enjoyment of the people who choose to be in your life I can't imagine you'll have time for loneliness. And once you've opened up your heart and fully accepted how amazing you are then love - TRUE, REAL, LASTING LOVE can also enter your world.
Because really - until we love ourselves we aren't open to the love of someone else. Until we know that we are worthy we don't command the kind of respect and affection we deserve.
It's easy to say.... and harder to do. I know that. But try and be kind and patient with yourself, and if you are feeling lonely remember to look around. There are quite a few of us who love you and want to spend time with you.
Well today's email contained a simple message that struck me quite deeply. Just because one feels lonely does not mean that they are in fact alone.
I had an Ah Ha moment. One of the things my darling Ethel has been struggling with is loneliness, and the fear that she won't find someone to love her just the way that she is. She is feeling lonely.... but all that means.... are you listening dear heart? Yes YOU... the little blond one there with the funky vintage bracelet and the semi retarded Labrador...
I means that you're not paying attention to the people around you. Your loneliness comes from a place of fear. It means that you're not taking advantage of all the people who love you, and support you. You're not enjoying the company and companionship of the people in your life who enjoy YOU and want to participate in your life. Just the way you are. Every quirk, every self imagined "flaw", every strength (and there are many) and every beautiful thing that make you Ethel.
Because once you do... once you truly embrace all the love, friendship, compassion, and enjoyment of the people who choose to be in your life I can't imagine you'll have time for loneliness. And once you've opened up your heart and fully accepted how amazing you are then love - TRUE, REAL, LASTING LOVE can also enter your world.
Because really - until we love ourselves we aren't open to the love of someone else. Until we know that we are worthy we don't command the kind of respect and affection we deserve.
It's easy to say.... and harder to do. I know that. But try and be kind and patient with yourself, and if you are feeling lonely remember to look around. There are quite a few of us who love you and want to spend time with you.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Half Truth Lies
A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies. - Tennyson
When you love someone you hate to see them hurting. Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life. Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering.
Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that. She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.
He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years. When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry. She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again. She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy. She believed.... and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change. She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too. But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him. Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies. More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.
And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen. An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE! Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue. Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control. She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him. Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify. She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends. Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you? I personally don't think so.
I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married. There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation. So she tries not to make waves. I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.
Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it. I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex. I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did. Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred. What I keep asking her is "why"?
What did he do that was so loving? Did he cherish you? Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things?
If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding. I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion. I could help her end this cycle of grief. I WANT to understand. I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.
I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.
When you love someone you hate to see them hurting. Sitting back and watching someone struggling has to be one of the hardest things to do in life. Especially when you know, that in many ways, that person has contributed to their own pain and suffering.
Ethel has been in a cycle of sadness and regret that I'm just not able to help her out of, and I hate that. She's really going through what I can only describe as grief over the ending of her marriage, and I think a part of what makes it so hard for her is that all along Fred told half truths. The cruelest of all lies is a half truth because it gives people false hope.
He gave her just enough encouragement, just enough truth, just enough honesty to keep her hanging on for years. When any other woman would have called it quits after finding out about the lies before they married Ethel believed it when he said he was sorry. She believed it when he said it wasn't going to happen again. She believed him over the years when he promised he would go to therapy. She believed.... and then I think she stopped believing, and she stopped hoping for change. She stopped asking the questions she didn't want the answers too. But in a vicious cycle she couldn't stop checking up on him. Her 6th sense would kick in, and she would find out, again... more lies. More excuses followed the lies. More deflecting and defending followed the excuses.
And the kicker is... and Ethel knows this...she allowed it to happen. An article she shared today on FB said it best, "When you accept the unacceptable you invite the unacceptable." Wow... SO TRUE! Every time she put up with those behaviors she invited, hell she guaranteed, that it was going to continue. Damn that has to sting right? I know I personally HATE it when I'm the cause of my own pain and grief, but it happens to all of us at one time or another. The thing is... she still gives him this control. She catches him in lies, and she doesn't confront him. Those well developed Spidey senses tell her he's not being honest, but she doesn't force him to verify. She is still allowing him - in small ways to mistreat her by telling half truths. Those cruel half truths that give her hope that one day they'll be able to be friends. Only, you can't be friends with people who are not honest with you, can you? I personally don't think so.
I think a part of it is the fact that they are still legally married. There isn't the buffer of divorce, she's not even protected by a legal separation. So she tries not to make waves. I understand that... but I know it's causing her additional pain, grief and stress... and it can't last forever. Change is hard, but changes will have to be made soon for her own mental well being.
Now she's hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make this better... because in all honesty I don't really understand it. I don't (and never did ) grieve over the end of my marriage because it was more of a relief to me to be out from under the controlling disrespect of my Ex. I didn't love him - and realize that I don't think I ever really did. Ethel on the other hand genuinely loved... maybe in a way she still does love Fred. What I keep asking her is "why"?
What did he do that was so loving? Did he cherish you? Did he treat you with respect? Did he support your wishes and dreams? Did he honor you with honesty and fidelity? Did he follow through when he told you he would do things?
If I understood the grief I think I could be more supportive, more understanding. I would be able to offer more comfort and compassion. I could help her end this cycle of grief. I WANT to understand. I WANT to help. It doesn't seem to be getting easier for her, in reverse in fact. It's seeming to get harder and my heart is breaking for her.
I want so much more for her than she's given to herself over all these years.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Passive Aggressive Is Just Gross..
Wrong, bad, icky, sick, and oh so very Douche-Waffle-Ly
It appears that Ethel's soon to be- sort of is - future ex-husband is back to his old tricks. I'm not even sure it's conscious. I think being passive aggressive is how he's learned to treat her, and how he's managed to get what he needs or wants from those around him.
That being said... damn that is REALLY f'ing annoying!! His newest move is more of the begging and "why won't you promise to let me back into your life, because it's not about what YOU need it's about what I WANT!?" that he's been famous for lately. But he's added a new trick into his repertoire of manipulation. See Mr. Fred and Ms. Ethel are both participants in a message board/forum/online support group for people and their spouses who struggled with Sexual Addiction. Well Mr. Fred has used this forum to push his agenda in a not so subtle fashion and for the most part Ethel has chosen to ignore his pointed jabs, pushing, and obvious attempts to persuade her to take him back.
Instead she focused on herself, her online journaling, and reading/participating in the forums when it was applicable to her. Well she recently posted on her personal online journal about a relationship she's having and Mr. Fred just can't seem to realize that it's not about HIM anymore. She's traveling her own path now, independent from him and his many, varied issues.
Recently Mr. Fred made a very obvious attempt to make Ethel feel guilty by posting that he's leaving the forum because what he's reading is "just too painful" for him. Okay, that's your prerogative. Why do you have to be a drama llama and make a big post about it? Both of you have only been participants in the forum for 2-3 months... you don't have any long term friends or anyone that you have to explain yourself to. Why not just decided that for your own personal well being it's time to stop reading and move on? Oh ya... that's right... that's not how emotionally abusive and manipulative people operate. See it's not about you leaving or staying, it's about getting any kind of attention from Ethel that you can... it's about attempting to make her feel guilty for YOUR CHOICE to remove yourself from the support group instead of simply not reading her private journal.
Once again though he's the victim.... and really, I've been his friend for more than 15 years and I care about him, but this whole passive aggressive thing is so very... VERY... unattractive. He's got to stop.
Be strong Ethel... Lucy Loves You!
It appears that Ethel's soon to be- sort of is - future ex-husband is back to his old tricks. I'm not even sure it's conscious. I think being passive aggressive is how he's learned to treat her, and how he's managed to get what he needs or wants from those around him.
That being said... damn that is REALLY f'ing annoying!! His newest move is more of the begging and "why won't you promise to let me back into your life, because it's not about what YOU need it's about what I WANT!?" that he's been famous for lately. But he's added a new trick into his repertoire of manipulation. See Mr. Fred and Ms. Ethel are both participants in a message board/forum/online support group for people and their spouses who struggled with Sexual Addiction. Well Mr. Fred has used this forum to push his agenda in a not so subtle fashion and for the most part Ethel has chosen to ignore his pointed jabs, pushing, and obvious attempts to persuade her to take him back.
Instead she focused on herself, her online journaling, and reading/participating in the forums when it was applicable to her. Well she recently posted on her personal online journal about a relationship she's having and Mr. Fred just can't seem to realize that it's not about HIM anymore. She's traveling her own path now, independent from him and his many, varied issues.
Recently Mr. Fred made a very obvious attempt to make Ethel feel guilty by posting that he's leaving the forum because what he's reading is "just too painful" for him. Okay, that's your prerogative. Why do you have to be a drama llama and make a big post about it? Both of you have only been participants in the forum for 2-3 months... you don't have any long term friends or anyone that you have to explain yourself to. Why not just decided that for your own personal well being it's time to stop reading and move on? Oh ya... that's right... that's not how emotionally abusive and manipulative people operate. See it's not about you leaving or staying, it's about getting any kind of attention from Ethel that you can... it's about attempting to make her feel guilty for YOUR CHOICE to remove yourself from the support group instead of simply not reading her private journal.
Once again though he's the victim.... and really, I've been his friend for more than 15 years and I care about him, but this whole passive aggressive thing is so very... VERY... unattractive. He's got to stop.
Be strong Ethel... Lucy Loves You!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A Letter to Ethel...
My dearest best friend. I am afraid. The recent events between you and Fred frighten me. I'm worried about so many things, it's hard to figure out where your issues start and mine end. It's all mixed up in my head... his issues, your issues. I know your husband is not the same person as the man I was married to... but I see so many similarities it's just scary. I want to fly instantly into protection mode.
I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.
I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.
I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.
I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.
I'm scared of making it worse.
I'm scared of change.
Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.
I love you,
Lucy
I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.
I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.
I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.
I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.
I'm scared of making it worse.
I'm scared of change.
Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.
I love you,
Lucy
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...
This is one I'll never understand. A few people in my life are going through this same thing. A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship. This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear. Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.
Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation. For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best. He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't. Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together. She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible. I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.
My X decided we were getting divorced. I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact! Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together. When I refused he got...well, crazy. At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me? I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together." His reply? "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built." NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.
Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us? Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things? I personally don't get it at all. I want to be wanted. I need to be wanted.
I've been ignored and it feels terrible. And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed. I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive. My ego couldn't handle it.
I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse. I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!" is the best way to reach either of them. And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth! So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.
That's all I've got to offer.
Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation. For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best. He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't. Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together. She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible. I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.
My X decided we were getting divorced. I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact! Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together. When I refused he got...well, crazy. At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me? I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together." His reply? "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built." NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.
Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us? Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things? I personally don't get it at all. I want to be wanted. I need to be wanted.
I've been ignored and it feels terrible. And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed. I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive. My ego couldn't handle it.
I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse. I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!" is the best way to reach either of them. And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth! So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.
That's all I've got to offer.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Coffee, Cake, and Clarity...
Okay, it was actually Coffee, PIE and Clarity - but I just dig repetitive sounds so there ya go!
I met with Ethel on Friday night for some coffee and pie and conversation. I'm trying hard to be a good friend to both her and Fred, her Mister, but it's a tenuous place to be at. It's also really hard for me to understand all the dynamics of what's going on. I also just don't do the "lie to make you feel better" kind of thing. It's just not me. If you ask for my input you'll get it. Not to be cruel - I just don't think real friends lie to each other, even if it's something you don't really want to hear.
Ethel found out that Fred is, once again...or perhaps better described as STILL, telling lies and doing shady things behind her back. He always has an excuse. He always denies and deflects, and hides what's really going on - and in the past it's always worked. For whatever reason Ethel decided she wanted to salvage her marriage. She forgave. She overlooked the obvious. She made excuses to herself and others. She went to counseling. She bought self help books. She allowed herself to be bullied. She prayed, and cried, and wrote about her feelings on her blog.
So now we are - once again at a Cafe late in the evening while I hear Ethel say that she knows her marriage is sick and she doesn't have it in her to fight anymore. She's doesn't care enough to keep hurting, and she wants to get a separation. But it's still there... this guilt, this co-dependence that makes her want to please him, to tell him that they might be able to work it out with space and time. Just hearing her say, "I just don't know what I want. Maybe in a year or two I would be willing to let him back into my life but I doubt it." is kind of horrifying to be honest. How in the hell can you consider letting someone who treats you like this have any part in your life? How do you not hate, with every breath, someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally abused you, physically intimidated you, made you doubt your value and your appeal? How do you still have room in your heart for that person? It sounds warped to me. I want to be a good friend and I want to be supportive, but I'm just not able to comprehend it on any level. Those are not behaviors you would accept from a co-worker, casual friend, or distant relative...but you'll accept it from the person that stood before family, friends, and god and promised to love, cherish, and honor you? What???
I want her to know her value. I want both of them to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and to be good examples to their kids. I want happiness for both of them. I just have NO faith that they can do that together as a couple. Whatever his issues are, plus whatever her issues are equal one giant dysfunctional mess.
I'm worried. I've actually been up several nights worrying about her safety - physical and emotional. Mr Fred declares that he finally understands how she feels. Now he wants to work on their marriage. Now that Ethel told him he has to move out in two weeks, and now that she isn't crying anymore, or telling him she wants to work on this... NOW he decides he can't do this alone. He's in desperation mode. Desperate people do unpredictable things. He refuses to believe it's too late. He can't see that he's caused so much damage. I've tried explaining this - as kindly as possible, while being totally honest with him. But he doesn't hear it yet. He's not at that place yet, and he might not be for a really long time.
That leaves Ethel and Fred stuck in the same house together until they have the money for him to move out. That means that Ethel is under constant stress and pressure from Fred to "try again". That means that there is a very good chance (looking at their history together) that Ethel will give in to her co-dependency and let Fred stay. I honestly think it's 50/50 as to whether or not she'll really make him move out, much less follow through with a separation and not let him beg his way back into the house in a short period of time. They've ridden this twisted little carousel ride before and she didn't follow through - and here they are again.
I wish life weren't so confusing and messy. I wish I had the ability to make this easier on all of them - especially their kids. It has to be confusing to have dad move out, come right back, have all this stress in the house, then move back out again.... It's hard on all of them and I'm pretty much powerless to make it any better.
This whole thing just sucks ass.
I met with Ethel on Friday night for some coffee and pie and conversation. I'm trying hard to be a good friend to both her and Fred, her Mister, but it's a tenuous place to be at. It's also really hard for me to understand all the dynamics of what's going on. I also just don't do the "lie to make you feel better" kind of thing. It's just not me. If you ask for my input you'll get it. Not to be cruel - I just don't think real friends lie to each other, even if it's something you don't really want to hear.
Ethel found out that Fred is, once again...or perhaps better described as STILL, telling lies and doing shady things behind her back. He always has an excuse. He always denies and deflects, and hides what's really going on - and in the past it's always worked. For whatever reason Ethel decided she wanted to salvage her marriage. She forgave. She overlooked the obvious. She made excuses to herself and others. She went to counseling. She bought self help books. She allowed herself to be bullied. She prayed, and cried, and wrote about her feelings on her blog.
So now we are - once again at a Cafe late in the evening while I hear Ethel say that she knows her marriage is sick and she doesn't have it in her to fight anymore. She's doesn't care enough to keep hurting, and she wants to get a separation. But it's still there... this guilt, this co-dependence that makes her want to please him, to tell him that they might be able to work it out with space and time. Just hearing her say, "I just don't know what I want. Maybe in a year or two I would be willing to let him back into my life but I doubt it." is kind of horrifying to be honest. How in the hell can you consider letting someone who treats you like this have any part in your life? How do you not hate, with every breath, someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally abused you, physically intimidated you, made you doubt your value and your appeal? How do you still have room in your heart for that person? It sounds warped to me. I want to be a good friend and I want to be supportive, but I'm just not able to comprehend it on any level. Those are not behaviors you would accept from a co-worker, casual friend, or distant relative...but you'll accept it from the person that stood before family, friends, and god and promised to love, cherish, and honor you? What???
I want her to know her value. I want both of them to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and to be good examples to their kids. I want happiness for both of them. I just have NO faith that they can do that together as a couple. Whatever his issues are, plus whatever her issues are equal one giant dysfunctional mess.
I'm worried. I've actually been up several nights worrying about her safety - physical and emotional. Mr Fred declares that he finally understands how she feels. Now he wants to work on their marriage. Now that Ethel told him he has to move out in two weeks, and now that she isn't crying anymore, or telling him she wants to work on this... NOW he decides he can't do this alone. He's in desperation mode. Desperate people do unpredictable things. He refuses to believe it's too late. He can't see that he's caused so much damage. I've tried explaining this - as kindly as possible, while being totally honest with him. But he doesn't hear it yet. He's not at that place yet, and he might not be for a really long time.
That leaves Ethel and Fred stuck in the same house together until they have the money for him to move out. That means that Ethel is under constant stress and pressure from Fred to "try again". That means that there is a very good chance (looking at their history together) that Ethel will give in to her co-dependency and let Fred stay. I honestly think it's 50/50 as to whether or not she'll really make him move out, much less follow through with a separation and not let him beg his way back into the house in a short period of time. They've ridden this twisted little carousel ride before and she didn't follow through - and here they are again.
I wish life weren't so confusing and messy. I wish I had the ability to make this easier on all of them - especially their kids. It has to be confusing to have dad move out, come right back, have all this stress in the house, then move back out again.... It's hard on all of them and I'm pretty much powerless to make it any better.
This whole thing just sucks ass.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
He Said, She Said
I met with Fred yesterday for breakfast. He wanted to explain his side of things, and we needed to clear the air.
It was interesting hearing his side of things. His perception of the events that lead up to their brief separation, and his view of the current situation is quite a bit different than mine, or Ethel's even. I don't think he realizes how his behavior is perceived by others. He's very much wrapped up in himself right now, which probably isn't uncommon in this situation. Unhappy people tend to focus on their own misery and not see how they've affected others. He is still a very angry person, still feeling persecuted on some level. There was a glimmer of acceptance that he did in fact do things on purpose to hurt Ethel emotionally, but it was almost as though he felt it was reactionary - as though Ethel "started it" and his behavior was proportional to her neediness. That also may be true. Ethel may not realize when she's asking more from him than he can give...she's an emotional creature by nature.
I still don't think he understands why his relationship with his "friend" in Arizona was wrong. Since it wasn't sexual he can't see that he was sharing a vital part of himself with someone else. My only answer to this was, "it was wrong...period. In a marriage you don't get to have "friendships" with people of the other sex if it makes your significant other uncomfortable. That's one of the sacrifices you make in a marriage, and you should be willing to do this." You just don't have a relationship of ANY kind and lie about the nature of that relationship to your spouse...period. The fact that he still doesn't seem to really get it is disconcerting.
Ethel on the other hand sees the situation differently. Her perception is that she's made a distinct effort NOT to pick and pry, not to be needy, and not to push him to talk when they aren't in therapy. Her view of their interactions is different in many ways. So where is the middle ground there? I suppose that's why you seek help from a professional therapist. I can't see how you get from here to there and both come out unscathed?
How do you rebuild trust, much less love and affection when there is no middle ground in common? What about intimacy? Fred hinted that their personal life was severely lacking...which I didn't bother to address other than to say, "well we're women, you can't expect us to flip a switch like that. Sexuality and intimacy and safety and respect are all tied up together. When you start fixing the broken things in your marriage that will work itself out in time." I know in my own case that aspect of my marriage had died out long before I left my marriage. It was a symptom of the sickness growing within our relationship. I guess it's a slow process. Ethel said that she understands that it didn't take a month to create these issues, so it won't take a month to resolve them... it's a long, arduous process. Does Fred understand his too?
I'm not sure I would have it in me. I know in my case I stayed in my marriage as long as I could and then I was just done. By the time I was ready to throw in the towel my marriage was too far gone, therapy wasn't an option. I didn't hate him, I didn't feel anything at all towards him. At least with hate there's some kind of emotion there... there is no recovery from total apathy.
At least both Ethel and Fred professed love for each other, so there is some kind of emotion there to build on. I hope they figure this out, or if they can't fix it that they have the strength to walk away and treat each other with respect. It's an awfully big job. I just want them both to be happy, with or without each other.
It was interesting hearing his side of things. His perception of the events that lead up to their brief separation, and his view of the current situation is quite a bit different than mine, or Ethel's even. I don't think he realizes how his behavior is perceived by others. He's very much wrapped up in himself right now, which probably isn't uncommon in this situation. Unhappy people tend to focus on their own misery and not see how they've affected others. He is still a very angry person, still feeling persecuted on some level. There was a glimmer of acceptance that he did in fact do things on purpose to hurt Ethel emotionally, but it was almost as though he felt it was reactionary - as though Ethel "started it" and his behavior was proportional to her neediness. That also may be true. Ethel may not realize when she's asking more from him than he can give...she's an emotional creature by nature.
I still don't think he understands why his relationship with his "friend" in Arizona was wrong. Since it wasn't sexual he can't see that he was sharing a vital part of himself with someone else. My only answer to this was, "it was wrong...period. In a marriage you don't get to have "friendships" with people of the other sex if it makes your significant other uncomfortable. That's one of the sacrifices you make in a marriage, and you should be willing to do this." You just don't have a relationship of ANY kind and lie about the nature of that relationship to your spouse...period. The fact that he still doesn't seem to really get it is disconcerting.
Ethel on the other hand sees the situation differently. Her perception is that she's made a distinct effort NOT to pick and pry, not to be needy, and not to push him to talk when they aren't in therapy. Her view of their interactions is different in many ways. So where is the middle ground there? I suppose that's why you seek help from a professional therapist. I can't see how you get from here to there and both come out unscathed?
How do you rebuild trust, much less love and affection when there is no middle ground in common? What about intimacy? Fred hinted that their personal life was severely lacking...which I didn't bother to address other than to say, "well we're women, you can't expect us to flip a switch like that. Sexuality and intimacy and safety and respect are all tied up together. When you start fixing the broken things in your marriage that will work itself out in time." I know in my own case that aspect of my marriage had died out long before I left my marriage. It was a symptom of the sickness growing within our relationship. I guess it's a slow process. Ethel said that she understands that it didn't take a month to create these issues, so it won't take a month to resolve them... it's a long, arduous process. Does Fred understand his too?
I'm not sure I would have it in me. I know in my case I stayed in my marriage as long as I could and then I was just done. By the time I was ready to throw in the towel my marriage was too far gone, therapy wasn't an option. I didn't hate him, I didn't feel anything at all towards him. At least with hate there's some kind of emotion there... there is no recovery from total apathy.
At least both Ethel and Fred professed love for each other, so there is some kind of emotion there to build on. I hope they figure this out, or if they can't fix it that they have the strength to walk away and treat each other with respect. It's an awfully big job. I just want them both to be happy, with or without each other.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Gonna have to let it go...
** Ethel this post is about you and Fred, and is not meant to be hurtful, but I'll give you heads up that I'm expressing some honest emotion here, so feel free to skip it if you would like. I won't be offended and neither should you as I'm just musing here and working things out in my head. **
______________________________________________________
I've had a lot of issues rumbling around inside my head in the past twenty-four hours. It appears that Ethel's husband, Fred, has decided to unfriend me in Facebook. Apparently he feels like we're no longer friends. After nearly 20 years we're not friends? Because why? Because I don't agree with his choices and behavior? I understand that as friends, as humans, we don't always agree... we don't always understand each other and we are not always going to get along. That doesn't mean I would force him out of my life. Why? Well because I don't think it's reasonable or mature. Why does this bother me? Should it matter? How does or doesn't this effect my relationship with Ethel?
One part of me says that you just don't do this. You just don't alienate the closest friend of your spouse. Especially when the general opinion of you over the past six months is that you're a disrespectful, bullying jerk who's treated your wife like crap.. I mean really... is alienating me the best way to make yourself appear more understanding and reasonable? Me thinks not. Another part of me feels like it's his right to be friends, in real life and via social media with whomever he wants.
I am not one of those friends that will lie to you, or pat you on the back and say, "oh gee it's okay if you've had emotional affairs. It's alright if you've lied to your wife over and over and spent years being selfish and disrespectful. No problem buddy...as long as you say you won't do it again, all is well." I will be honest with you if I think you've been mistreating my friend. However I AM the kind of friend who believes that actions speak louder than words, and that redemption is possible if you want it hard enough. I AM the kind of friend who will allow you to come to my home for Thanksgiving dinner, even when you've been hurting my friend because it's in the best interest of your kids...and because in all honesty she chose you, for some reason she wants you, and because you guys are a family.
I let him come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I bought a gift card for him for Christmas and sent it home with Ethel (he was at work) so that he didn't feel as though I was upset with him and feel left out. I have not yelled, been rude, nor have I expressed any of my private opinions to him. In fact, since Ethel came clean about letting him move back home after she kicked him out I haven't said one word about him one way or another.
Ethel and Fred have to figure out their own relationship. It's none of my business. My goal is for Ethel to be happy, to be healthy, and to be treated with respect. I don't ask for details because it doesn't matter what I think. Ethel chose him, and some part of their relationship obviously works for her - and that's all that matters.
So why the hell does her husband have to treat me so rudely? After almost 20 years he has the nerve to think we're not friends because I didn't lie to him and blow sunshine up his ass when he was behaving so poorly? What right does he have to be offended because I reacted in a negative way to HIS behavior and choices? I mean really? You make horrible choices that hurt the people around you and then you get offended when someone doesn't just roll over like an obedient dog and lavish you with praise and forgiveness because you convince your wife to take you back?
How will this effect my relationship with Ethel? As it is I was horribly uncomfortable on Saturday when we spent the day carpooling to a friends party and back. Obviously if her husband has decided we're no longer on speaking terms then I can't, and won't, ask about what's going on between them. If we're not friends then I'm not welcome in their home, and in turn they won't feel comfortable coming to mine...so where does that leave us? This is all ridiculous beyond belief. All these years of friendship tossed aside like so much trash... and for what?
I'm honestly not sure where we go from here... I can't explain how hurt my feelings are. I assumed that with enough time he would redeem himself in my eyes when I saw him making an effort to treat Ethel with love, respect, and kindness. Now? I don't know where we stand or what will happen. It's not like Ethel is going to choose our friendship over her husband. I totally would never expect that. I'm so conflicted about this.
______________________________________________________
I've had a lot of issues rumbling around inside my head in the past twenty-four hours. It appears that Ethel's husband, Fred, has decided to unfriend me in Facebook. Apparently he feels like we're no longer friends. After nearly 20 years we're not friends? Because why? Because I don't agree with his choices and behavior? I understand that as friends, as humans, we don't always agree... we don't always understand each other and we are not always going to get along. That doesn't mean I would force him out of my life. Why? Well because I don't think it's reasonable or mature. Why does this bother me? Should it matter? How does or doesn't this effect my relationship with Ethel?
One part of me says that you just don't do this. You just don't alienate the closest friend of your spouse. Especially when the general opinion of you over the past six months is that you're a disrespectful, bullying jerk who's treated your wife like crap.. I mean really... is alienating me the best way to make yourself appear more understanding and reasonable? Me thinks not. Another part of me feels like it's his right to be friends, in real life and via social media with whomever he wants.
I am not one of those friends that will lie to you, or pat you on the back and say, "oh gee it's okay if you've had emotional affairs. It's alright if you've lied to your wife over and over and spent years being selfish and disrespectful. No problem buddy...as long as you say you won't do it again, all is well." I will be honest with you if I think you've been mistreating my friend. However I AM the kind of friend who believes that actions speak louder than words, and that redemption is possible if you want it hard enough. I AM the kind of friend who will allow you to come to my home for Thanksgiving dinner, even when you've been hurting my friend because it's in the best interest of your kids...and because in all honesty she chose you, for some reason she wants you, and because you guys are a family.
I let him come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I bought a gift card for him for Christmas and sent it home with Ethel (he was at work) so that he didn't feel as though I was upset with him and feel left out. I have not yelled, been rude, nor have I expressed any of my private opinions to him. In fact, since Ethel came clean about letting him move back home after she kicked him out I haven't said one word about him one way or another.
Ethel and Fred have to figure out their own relationship. It's none of my business. My goal is for Ethel to be happy, to be healthy, and to be treated with respect. I don't ask for details because it doesn't matter what I think. Ethel chose him, and some part of their relationship obviously works for her - and that's all that matters.
So why the hell does her husband have to treat me so rudely? After almost 20 years he has the nerve to think we're not friends because I didn't lie to him and blow sunshine up his ass when he was behaving so poorly? What right does he have to be offended because I reacted in a negative way to HIS behavior and choices? I mean really? You make horrible choices that hurt the people around you and then you get offended when someone doesn't just roll over like an obedient dog and lavish you with praise and forgiveness because you convince your wife to take you back?
How will this effect my relationship with Ethel? As it is I was horribly uncomfortable on Saturday when we spent the day carpooling to a friends party and back. Obviously if her husband has decided we're no longer on speaking terms then I can't, and won't, ask about what's going on between them. If we're not friends then I'm not welcome in their home, and in turn they won't feel comfortable coming to mine...so where does that leave us? This is all ridiculous beyond belief. All these years of friendship tossed aside like so much trash... and for what?
I'm honestly not sure where we go from here... I can't explain how hurt my feelings are. I assumed that with enough time he would redeem himself in my eyes when I saw him making an effort to treat Ethel with love, respect, and kindness. Now? I don't know where we stand or what will happen. It's not like Ethel is going to choose our friendship over her husband. I totally would never expect that. I'm so conflicted about this.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces (OFFICIAL VIDEO) HQ
This one is for you Ethel... listen with an open heart. I love me some you...
Monday, October 25, 2010
23 Years and Counting
Ethel has been my "better half" in regards to friendship for over 23 years now. She knows what I'm saying when I can barely eek out a coherent sentence. She knows what will make me happy. She knows when I'm stressed and when I need to talk.
My dear best friend gives without expecting anything in return. She loves my kids like they are her own. She is honest when I need it - but always tempered with kindness and love. She was their for every major event in my life. Births, deaths, cross country re-locations, job loss, divorce, graduations, birthdays, and several (I mean a LOT) of moves to various cities.
She was the first person I told about the loss of my virginity, each time I got pregnant, my new job, the death of my grandmother, and falling in love with BLT. Ethel was the only person I told of my unhappiness in my marriage.
Sweet Ethel is one of the most forgiving and understanding people I know and is the first person who comes to mind when I hear the term gentle soul. I love you Ethel. You're my best friend, my sister, my confidant, and the Auntie of my children. I would jump in front of a bullet for you dear heart.
Please remember your worth. Please revel in your beauty - both inside and out. Please know, in your heart that you are worthy of adoration and respect. Please be kind to yourself and expect better than you've received from someone who promised to love and cherish you.
My dear best friend gives without expecting anything in return. She loves my kids like they are her own. She is honest when I need it - but always tempered with kindness and love. She was their for every major event in my life. Births, deaths, cross country re-locations, job loss, divorce, graduations, birthdays, and several (I mean a LOT) of moves to various cities.
She was the first person I told about the loss of my virginity, each time I got pregnant, my new job, the death of my grandmother, and falling in love with BLT. Ethel was the only person I told of my unhappiness in my marriage.
Sweet Ethel is one of the most forgiving and understanding people I know and is the first person who comes to mind when I hear the term gentle soul. I love you Ethel. You're my best friend, my sister, my confidant, and the Auntie of my children. I would jump in front of a bullet for you dear heart.
Please remember your worth. Please revel in your beauty - both inside and out. Please know, in your heart that you are worthy of adoration and respect. Please be kind to yourself and expect better than you've received from someone who promised to love and cherish you.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Watching things crumble
You know what it's like when you drive past a car accident and you just HAVE to look? How you know it will upset you, but you can't pull your eyes away?
That's kind of what it feels like watching Fred and Ethel struggle through their marital issues and now a trial separation. Since Ethel is my bestest of best friends, my soul sister no less, I am participating on a peripheral level. I love them both like family and it hurts to see them hurting each other.
Well... let's be honest people. Fred is the major issue here, he says he wants his wife - but he can't stop participating in inappropriate behaviors with other women. There have been lies, and half truths for years, as well as a total refusal to get to therapy and do the work it takes to rebuild the lost trust.
I wish I had the words to ease their pain. I wish I was smarter, or more relationship savvy - but the truth is I failed at making my own marriage work. I have no business giving anyone else advice, except to say that you can find happiness after divorce. That I do know.
Speaking of things crumbling - on a personal note, I get to be hauled back into court by the X. At the last minute my lawyer received an email from the most expensive divorce lawyer in town. He's now representing the X (AGAIN) and they filed for an extension until November for the judge to hear my request to continue the restraining order against the X for my children. They apparently are preparing their "rebuttal arguments" and need more time.
So once again my character will be drug through the mud and I need to prove that I'm a good mother, and that he is a dangerous and obsessed man who has refused all form of counseling while in prison for trying to shoot me.
When and how did this become my life? Please someone tell me that there are good marriages still out there.
That's kind of what it feels like watching Fred and Ethel struggle through their marital issues and now a trial separation. Since Ethel is my bestest of best friends, my soul sister no less, I am participating on a peripheral level. I love them both like family and it hurts to see them hurting each other.
Well... let's be honest people. Fred is the major issue here, he says he wants his wife - but he can't stop participating in inappropriate behaviors with other women. There have been lies, and half truths for years, as well as a total refusal to get to therapy and do the work it takes to rebuild the lost trust.
I wish I had the words to ease their pain. I wish I was smarter, or more relationship savvy - but the truth is I failed at making my own marriage work. I have no business giving anyone else advice, except to say that you can find happiness after divorce. That I do know.
Speaking of things crumbling - on a personal note, I get to be hauled back into court by the X. At the last minute my lawyer received an email from the most expensive divorce lawyer in town. He's now representing the X (AGAIN) and they filed for an extension until November for the judge to hear my request to continue the restraining order against the X for my children. They apparently are preparing their "rebuttal arguments" and need more time.
So once again my character will be drug through the mud and I need to prove that I'm a good mother, and that he is a dangerous and obsessed man who has refused all form of counseling while in prison for trying to shoot me.
When and how did this become my life? Please someone tell me that there are good marriages still out there.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Exhaustion and Pulling Out the Big Guns
I got back from three days at the Great Wolf Lodge with my four children and my niece. Five kids and me... and one giant headache. The kids were great actually, it's just the normal stress that goes along with keeping track of, feeding, entertaining, and transporting five kids under the age of 13 several hours from home to a water park hotel.
I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids... but damn... I was so ready to come home after 24 hours, much less three full days.
After coming home, what do I decide to do? I spend all day Saturday doing errands and today I help Ethel move! LOL, I'm obviously crazy, hehe. Actually I feel good about that part. It's a big job, and I'm her best friend. I would do anything for her. We kicked butt too! Big Motha Truckers rollin' in the Chevy - sexy! :)
Speaking of errands. I did something Saturday I never thought I would do. I purchased a hand gun and filled out my registration for a concealed carry permit. My X gets out in a little over six months, and I'm honestly afraid for my safety and for the safety of my kids. My no contact order will only go so far. He pulled a gun on me. It's been over a year and he's still sitting his crazy ass in jail taking no responsibility for what he's done. So... I won't be unprotected if he decides to violate the restraining order and he tries to hurt me.
I contact my instructor tomorrow to set up my private lessons and take my basic gun safety course. This is an empowering and still terrifying and horrifying prospect all at the same time. Up until this moment I've always been against hand guns. I am not a violent person, and I don't think you can solve violence with violence. However, he caught me unaware once, and I honestly believe he would have killed me if I hadn't gotten away. That will not happen again.
It's been an exhausting week. Emotionally and physically. Going back to work on Monday will actual be more relaxing I think!
I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids... but damn... I was so ready to come home after 24 hours, much less three full days.
After coming home, what do I decide to do? I spend all day Saturday doing errands and today I help Ethel move! LOL, I'm obviously crazy, hehe. Actually I feel good about that part. It's a big job, and I'm her best friend. I would do anything for her. We kicked butt too! Big Motha Truckers rollin' in the Chevy - sexy! :)
Speaking of errands. I did something Saturday I never thought I would do. I purchased a hand gun and filled out my registration for a concealed carry permit. My X gets out in a little over six months, and I'm honestly afraid for my safety and for the safety of my kids. My no contact order will only go so far. He pulled a gun on me. It's been over a year and he's still sitting his crazy ass in jail taking no responsibility for what he's done. So... I won't be unprotected if he decides to violate the restraining order and he tries to hurt me.
I contact my instructor tomorrow to set up my private lessons and take my basic gun safety course. This is an empowering and still terrifying and horrifying prospect all at the same time. Up until this moment I've always been against hand guns. I am not a violent person, and I don't think you can solve violence with violence. However, he caught me unaware once, and I honestly believe he would have killed me if I hadn't gotten away. That will not happen again.
It's been an exhausting week. Emotionally and physically. Going back to work on Monday will actual be more relaxing I think!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perfect Timing
In so many little ways BLT and I are in perfect sync with each other. The only other person I have that with is Ethel. These two important people in my life seem to have this 6th sense when it comes to me.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
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