One good man for my dear friend Ethel.
The appropriate applicant will be moderately handsome in a rugged way. No pretty boys need apply. (Why moderately handsome? Because you can't be so hound dog homely her girly bits dry up at the sight of you, and not so drop dead gorgeous that you think your God's gift to vaginas everywhere)
He will also be honest, funny but not at the expense of others and not in any way that could be showcased on the TV show "Jack Ass". This applicant will be gainfully employed, not living with his parents unless they are elderly and/or handicapped; because the former is creepy but the latter is sweet... understand the difference? Good! He will know how to balance a check book, cook an edible meal, and understands the reason for separating the colors from the whites when doing laundry.
Mr. Perfect must have an appreciation for a lush female form. He must worship her petite "plush-ness" and love her just the way she is - and yet enjoy various recreational activities which will encourage her to maintain her path towards optimal health and happiness.
If you are between the ages of 32 - 45 and meet the above qualifications please apply in person with Lucy. Gifts of chocolate and James Rollin's novels great appreciated, and flattery will get you everywhere. Please provide proof of employment and a clean STD panel from your doctor.
No cross dressers, liars, nail biters, drug addicts, or anyone who knows all the words to any Counting Crows song need apply.