I bought new sexy lingerie yesterday when I was out with Ethel. It's been awhile since I wore something sexy and lacy just for BLT's enjoyment.
My efforts were well appreciated. I'm an extremely satisfied woman this morning.
BLT had gotten used to receiving this sort of special attention when we were doing the long distance relationship thing. Every time I flew down to see him I made sure I had something sexy for him. I became the queen of the quick change artists in the airport bathroom. There happened to be a woman's rest room right outside of the gate I flew into.
Once he picked me up and I was in my red trench coat with a very naughty black number and thigh high stockings underneath and nothing else.
The last time I flew down I wore my black leather pants and stiletto heels. I changed into a dark purple and black silk bustier top laced up the back so tight I could hardly breath... but damn that hour-glass was turning heads. His eye nearly popped out of his head when he pulled up in his truck to get me. *giggle* I still hear about that one, he was VERY impressed and we ended up stopping at a deserted orchard on the side of the road because we couldn't wait to get home.
So - a precedent has been set. He was used to me making a special effort of look sexy for him. Since he lives with me now he's had a little dose of reality and he's more likely to come home to me in one of his shirts than a lacy, racy bit of sexy nothing....so he was due for a little treat.
YUMMY... I just love the gift that keeps on giving!
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
I've made a big decision.
I'm going to call my former in laws and tell them about BLT. I've been putting it off for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's none of their business. My private life should be none of their concern. Also I know that everything gets passed onto my X in prison. Will he start trying to make my life difficult? More lawyers? False claims filed with social services about abuse or neglect? His mother and step-father punishing my children emotionally? There are a lot of possibly unpleasant outcomes.
However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.
The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.
I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.
Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.
Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.
The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.
Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.
I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."
The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!
So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.
Wish me luck!
However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.
The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.
I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.
Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.
Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.
The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.
Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.
I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."
The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!
So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Dear Former In-laws...
Dear former in-laws,
Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.
You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.
When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.
Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.
Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.
What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.
I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.
I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.
I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.
I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.
Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me
Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.
You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.
When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.
Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.
Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.
What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.
I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.
I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.
I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.
I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.
Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Our sexy, swanky weekend
I've been trying to think of something special to do for BLT. He is a musician, and a huge Sinatra fan, so when I heard Steve Tyrell was playing at Jazz Alley I knew I had to get tickets. His bio listed him as "a Grammy award winning, Sinatra-esque style" performer.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Romantic Getaway
Tomorrow I'm dropping the kids off at my former in laws house for an overnight visit. BLT and I will be going to Jazz Alley to have dinner and see a "Sinatra-esque" style, grammy award winning singer. BLT loves him some Sinatra, and this is a nice swanky place for a date. I've picked up a pretty, strapless dress on clearance to wear, and something a tad naughty to go underneath it. I think he'll approve ;)
I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.
Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!
I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.
Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perfect Timing
In so many little ways BLT and I are in perfect sync with each other. The only other person I have that with is Ethel. These two important people in my life seem to have this 6th sense when it comes to me.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Distance and Acceptance
There had been this odd sort of emotional distance between BLT and I the past week. There's has also been distance with the girls since Easter Sunday, both with me, and with each other. It's been tense in the L.O.M household.
BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.
BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.
I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.
We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.
I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".
Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.
The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.
For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.
BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.
BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.
I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.
We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.
I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".
Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.
The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.
For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The voice inside my head...
We all have one at some point in our lives. That nagging annoying little voice of doubt. The one that says, "you aren't worth it." "You aren't pretty enough." "He doesn't really want you, he got smart and moved on."
The BLT is going through a lot right now. Moving to a new place 45 minutes from his current house, his good friend dieing suddenly and the following memorial services / plans, his daughter, our relationship... just a lot to deal with emotionally. He's been a little distant this week, uncommunicative. He's not responding to texts with anything more than a short one line response. I asked him to call me... nothing yet today. I poured out my heart in a very long email and he didn't write back. He called me later that night and basically said; "I feel the same way you do, I hear what you're saying and I want all the same things. But I need patience from you so that I can get things moving on this end. That will take time."
I have to accept that this is not a fundamental problem with me. It's not that he doesn't love me anymore. He had a funeral today, he has friends over and I'm sure they are consoling each other in their time of grief. I wish I was there, I wish I had the ability to be the one he leaned on and talked to today. But I can't be there. For all I know he went and got piss faced drunk with all his buddies after the service and they are busy crying in their beer... I mean, to be honest, that's exactly what I would do.
So there is this part of me, the rational part, that understands his lack of communication this week is not about me, not about our relationship, not about his love for me.
Then the voice chimes in, "Oh ya... so why did he get so distant the day after he left here? I bet he didn't really like your kids or your family. I bet he decided you are SO not worth moving two states away to be with. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you that he hates your tiny, crappy duplex, and the rain, and hasta la vista baby."
It's tragically bad timing, that his friend died right before he came out to see me. That he has all this heavy emotional crap running amok in his life right now, and that all this shit happens right after we have these deep talks and I introduce him to my family. It's not me... it's not us... it's him processing his grief and the changes he's going through.
So why can't the rational part of my brain beat the shit out of that snarky little voice and shut it up?
The BLT is going through a lot right now. Moving to a new place 45 minutes from his current house, his good friend dieing suddenly and the following memorial services / plans, his daughter, our relationship... just a lot to deal with emotionally. He's been a little distant this week, uncommunicative. He's not responding to texts with anything more than a short one line response. I asked him to call me... nothing yet today. I poured out my heart in a very long email and he didn't write back. He called me later that night and basically said; "I feel the same way you do, I hear what you're saying and I want all the same things. But I need patience from you so that I can get things moving on this end. That will take time."
I have to accept that this is not a fundamental problem with me. It's not that he doesn't love me anymore. He had a funeral today, he has friends over and I'm sure they are consoling each other in their time of grief. I wish I was there, I wish I had the ability to be the one he leaned on and talked to today. But I can't be there. For all I know he went and got piss faced drunk with all his buddies after the service and they are busy crying in their beer... I mean, to be honest, that's exactly what I would do.
So there is this part of me, the rational part, that understands his lack of communication this week is not about me, not about our relationship, not about his love for me.
Then the voice chimes in, "Oh ya... so why did he get so distant the day after he left here? I bet he didn't really like your kids or your family. I bet he decided you are SO not worth moving two states away to be with. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you that he hates your tiny, crappy duplex, and the rain, and hasta la vista baby."
It's tragically bad timing, that his friend died right before he came out to see me. That he has all this heavy emotional crap running amok in his life right now, and that all this shit happens right after we have these deep talks and I introduce him to my family. It's not me... it's not us... it's him processing his grief and the changes he's going through.
So why can't the rational part of my brain beat the shit out of that snarky little voice and shut it up?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Disapproval of My Father
When do we become old enough that we no longer need our parents approval? Does that ever happen? Apparently my father disapproves of my relationship with BLT. He thinks my priorities are mixed up and that I have no business dating anyone right now, that my only concern should be work and my children.
In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.
And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.
Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.
So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.
If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.
My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.
I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.
In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.
And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.
Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.
So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.
If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.
My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.
I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.
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