God I can be a judgemental ass sometimes

I have a confession to make. I can really be a judgemental jackass sometimes. I don't mean to, and when I catch myself doing it I try to step back and look at my judgements/assumptions/feelings more critically and kindly.  Sometimes I fail though...  it's a flaw I'm working on.

Case in point.  TNT has made a friend I'll call Baby.  Baby and her younger sister seem quite nice, very pleasant kids and they've been over before for play dates.   TNT and Monkey Pants have been to their house for play dates.  I've met Baby's mom on several occasions- and here the judgemental part of me rears it's ugly head.

See Baby's mom has facial piercings, crazy, perpetually disheveled hair, and neck tattoos.  I have no moral objection to any of these things - but I admit the pierced tongue, eyebrow, and lip really creep me out, I just REALLY dislike facial piercings.  *shudder*  The whole package just screams to me, "I MAKE BAD CHOICES!"  Baby's mom is very pleasant though.... she seems friendly and is kind to my kids.  But she gives off  haphazard party girl vibe that makes me leery.... 

Last time I dropped her girls off at her house there was a big ol' Vodka bottle propping up the garage door.  Okay....my first thought...  "lush".  Not nice, I know I know.  I backtracked and had a little talking to with myself, "hey listen, I have no idea how long they had that bottle, if it was a gift, or from a big celebration.  Don't be so quick to judge. I have no proof she drinks too much!"

On another occasion TNT was invited to stay for dinner, and when  I picked her up she mentioned casually that they had noodles.  "oh Spaghetti, or Lasagna or something like that?" I ask.  "No, just noodles and salt, sometimes at the end of the month they don't have much food in their house."   Certainly not a crime, we struggle here too, to be honest, and frequently we resort to inexpensive dinners once a week of scrambled eggs and toast, or soup and biscuits.   But the last time I was over there they had a brand new flat screen TV on the wall...  do you hear the judgemental voice I'm trying to control?  I really am trying.  It's not my business how they spend their money, but Vodka and TV's seem odd choices if you're eating plain noodles - know what I mean?

So I've promised myself that I'm going to continue to be polite, and the kids like each other so there is no reason why they can't play together.  However if money is that tight I can't let my kids eat over at her house.... they need to use their resources for their own three kids. That's only fair and right. I won't make a big deal about it, I'll just make sure if she's invited that we have something else we have to do.  That way nobody has any hurt feelings.  

In an effort to help out a little I am taking a winter coat over that my 12 year old out grew. It's too big for TNT, and Baby is much taller and broader - so while it's going to be a size or two too big I think she'll be able to use it. It's a very good quality coat. 

I am going to refuse to let my inner cynic convince me that there is something wrong here unless or until I have all the facts.  I mean, I know I'm making judgements based on appearances, and on only having a small amount of interaction with this family.  That's growth right?  Being aware of my own short coming and acting differently?

Growth...  I'm working on it....

When you can't do a thing to help... that sucks....

I'm running into this situation a lot lately. Someone I love will be in pain, or have some kind of need and I am totally, 100% unable to do a damn thing to help.

Lady Bug, the third of my four kids is hurting so very much. She's desperate for word from her father, but with the no contact order in place she won't be hearing from him for awhile. I know she's sad, I know she's missing him (God only knows why) and I would ease her pain if I could. But that's not within my power at the moment.

My bestest buddy and right hand girl Ethel and her hubs Fred are having marital issues, as well as very serious financial issues. Once again, I am powerless to offer anything of value to ease their struggles. If I had the money I would give it to them in a heart beat, but I am just barely able to keep clothes on my kids backs and food in their bellies. Were it not for the financial support I get from my family when they can I would be in trouble of my own. Ethel and Fred's car was repo'ed this morning... an embarrassing and sobering result of some poor financial decisions/layoffs etc. and sadly I can do Nada, zip, zilch to ease their struggles.

My BLT lost a good friend, and his rental all in the same month. He's recovering from the loss of his friend - but I really wish I had been there when he needed me. Another casualty of the long distance relationship. He's having trouble finding a place he can afford to rent on his own, it's VERY expensive where he lives. What I wish he would say is, "oh hell with it, I've packed my truck Doll and I'm headed north... let's make this happen!" But it's not going to work out that way, I know that.... and I can't be there once again to help him pack, or move, or just for moral support.

All in all I feel like a little bit of a failure in the mother, friend, lover department these days. I'm just not good for much other than a hug and an open ear to vent to.

The Disapproval of My Father

When do we become old enough that we no longer need our parents approval? Does that ever happen? Apparently my father disapproves of my relationship with BLT. He thinks my priorities are mixed up and that I have no business dating anyone right now, that my only concern should be work and my children.

In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.

And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.

Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.

So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.

If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.

My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.

I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.

Maybe the Tides Have Turned

Today was an amazing day. At work we signed a new Warehouse up in Canada to carry our product. They've agreed to a place an initial order of 26k... yes, as in thousand. That's HUGE for us. HUGE. My father has been working for over two years to get this Warehouse to carry our line. Hallaluja they can continue to pay my salary!!

When I got home after work there was a message on my phone from my lawyer. She received a notice that a nice sized sum of money I've been owed for 6 months has finally been paid out. I should have it by next week at some point. Oh My Freakin' God...thank you, thank you, thank you. I need this money in the very worst way. I have bills to pay and I owe my parents a large sum for helping the girls and I get into our rental.

I have a cracked molar that needs repair, but w/o any insurance there was no way I could afford it until now. My kids all need clothes and new shoes, badly. I need to license my pets so they are legal. Just...well life. I need to finance our life.

Without any child support bills have been piling up. I'm so excited to get a few monkeys off my back. It's such a relief!!