Girl Time

Good lordy did I need some grown up time.  With the help of some baby oil, a crow bar, and a prayer I wedged my ass into some leather pants and my cute red heels.  I was feeling pretty damn good about myself actually. 

I had such a great time with my girl friends.  We hit a piano bar where the drinks and food were good...but the piano player/comedian act was not so hot.  He's one of those older guys who isn't witty, isn't handsome, and isn't overly clever.  He tried too hard.  Plus - I just don't dig Neil Diamond.  BLECH!

We left there and decided to partake of the fun at a local casino.  Plenty of restaurants, dancing without any cover charge, several bars, a sweets shop, and some slot machines.  All in all fun was ours for the taking!

That is of course until I got home all hot and sweaty from dancing and had to try and peel those pants off.... lol... not to mention the little blisters on my toes from my dancin' shoes!  Ouch... but totally worth it :)

A Letter to Ethel...

My dearest best friend.  I am afraid.  The recent events between you and Fred frighten me.  I'm worried about so many things, it's hard to figure out where your issues start and mine end.  It's all mixed up in my head... his issues, your issues.  I know your husband is not the same person as the man I was married to... but I see so many similarities it's just scary.  I want to fly instantly into protection mode.

I'm scared you'll be hurt - emotionally and physically.

I'm scared your kids will be witness to the ugliness that seems to be brewing just under the surface of this whole mess waiting to explode all over the place.

I'm scared that financial pressures will push you to make decisions that are not good for any of you.

I'm scared that you don't know your true beauty and worth.

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.

I'm scared of making it worse.

I'm scared of change.

Even more though I am scared of not seeing things change.

I love you,
Lucy

I get so angry on your behalf...

I know you're sad.

I know you're hurting and you want to try and save your marriage.

I know that you're self esteem has been beaten and battered down so hard that you can't see your own beauty and worth.

I know you want to trust him, even though he has done nothing over the past decade to deserve that trust.

But what I know more than anything else is that you deserve better. I get so pissed off when he hurts you. I get so angry that he makes you feel like you're crazy. I don't believe his stories, I don't believe he treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I don't believe this is healthy for any of you. I worry about your children and the example they see of how people in a relationship treat each other.

I worry that you still sleep with him, knowing he may not be faithful to you. Even if it's just emotional affairs (which I don't believe, it's more than that). He hurts you, and you still give that part of yourself to him. I can't even fathom that this is healthy for you.

I love you.

I support you.

I'm here for you in every way. Be strong. Believe in yourself. Lean on me.

Exhaustion and Pulling Out the Big Guns

I got back from three days at the Great Wolf Lodge with my four children and my niece. Five kids and me... and one giant headache. The kids were great actually, it's just the normal stress that goes along with keeping track of, feeding, entertaining, and transporting five kids under the age of 13 several hours from home to a water park hotel.

I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids... but damn... I was so ready to come home after 24 hours, much less three full days.

After coming home, what do I decide to do? I spend all day Saturday doing errands and today I help Ethel move! LOL, I'm obviously crazy, hehe. Actually I feel good about that part. It's a big job, and I'm her best friend. I would do anything for her. We kicked butt too! Big Motha Truckers rollin' in the Chevy - sexy! :)

Speaking of errands. I did something Saturday I never thought I would do. I purchased a hand gun and filled out my registration for a concealed carry permit. My X gets out in a little over six months, and I'm honestly afraid for my safety and for the safety of my kids. My no contact order will only go so far. He pulled a gun on me. It's been over a year and he's still sitting his crazy ass in jail taking no responsibility for what he's done. So... I won't be unprotected if he decides to violate the restraining order and he tries to hurt me.

I contact my instructor tomorrow to set up my private lessons and take my basic gun safety course. This is an empowering and still terrifying and horrifying prospect all at the same time. Up until this moment I've always been against hand guns. I am not a violent person, and I don't think you can solve violence with violence. However, he caught me unaware once, and I honestly believe he would have killed me if I hadn't gotten away. That will not happen again.

It's been an exhausting week. Emotionally and physically. Going back to work on Monday will actual be more relaxing I think!

When you can't do a thing to help... that sucks....

I'm running into this situation a lot lately. Someone I love will be in pain, or have some kind of need and I am totally, 100% unable to do a damn thing to help.

Lady Bug, the third of my four kids is hurting so very much. She's desperate for word from her father, but with the no contact order in place she won't be hearing from him for awhile. I know she's sad, I know she's missing him (God only knows why) and I would ease her pain if I could. But that's not within my power at the moment.

My bestest buddy and right hand girl Ethel and her hubs Fred are having marital issues, as well as very serious financial issues. Once again, I am powerless to offer anything of value to ease their struggles. If I had the money I would give it to them in a heart beat, but I am just barely able to keep clothes on my kids backs and food in their bellies. Were it not for the financial support I get from my family when they can I would be in trouble of my own. Ethel and Fred's car was repo'ed this morning... an embarrassing and sobering result of some poor financial decisions/layoffs etc. and sadly I can do Nada, zip, zilch to ease their struggles.

My BLT lost a good friend, and his rental all in the same month. He's recovering from the loss of his friend - but I really wish I had been there when he needed me. Another casualty of the long distance relationship. He's having trouble finding a place he can afford to rent on his own, it's VERY expensive where he lives. What I wish he would say is, "oh hell with it, I've packed my truck Doll and I'm headed north... let's make this happen!" But it's not going to work out that way, I know that.... and I can't be there once again to help him pack, or move, or just for moral support.

All in all I feel like a little bit of a failure in the mother, friend, lover department these days. I'm just not good for much other than a hug and an open ear to vent to.

Perfect Timing

In so many little ways BLT and I are in perfect sync with each other. The only other person I have that with is Ethel. These two important people in my life seem to have this 6th sense when it comes to me.

They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.

Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.

Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.

All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.

I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."

Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.

Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.