It's crazy how many times I've logged into the the ol' blog here and started to put all my thoughts into words, only to have it all fizzle out. I start out with a bang and slowly it gets convoluted and mixed up, and turns into nothing but a ramble of jubbled gobbly-goo with no message - no clear progression of thought. And so I hit the delete key and say, "I'll try another day. " Only the next time I put fingers to keys it still doesn't produce that witty blog post I've been hoping for.
Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's that I've lost the zest for railing about the ills of my former marriage and the trials of single parenting - especially since I'm not "single" anymore in any sense of the word. For the first time in my adult life I have a partner - and I feel totally fullfilled in that relationship. Not too many people want to hear about your bliss. Anger, frustration, and drunken mishaps are ever so much more amusing! :)
I don't have any funny quips about dating to share - no inside tips on couponing, tutorials on making your own homemade deodorant from baking soda and evergreen needles or home decor ideas (lets be honest, picking the socks and barbie shoes off the stairs is my method of decorating!) so I'm not sure if I have anything of any real value to write about these days.
What does one share when things are going right? If anyone cares my wedding is in 39 days... yep... April 28th BLT and I are tieing the ol Knot at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast location in the mountains. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am at the same time. Wedding plans are progressing nicely. Invites were mailed and RSPV's are arriving. We even received a wedding gift in the mail - I was so surprised I squeeled! The dress is being altered as we speak, and a suit ordered for BLT. Flower girl dresses were sewn by my mom and I. I built a cup cake tower. We wrote our own vows. I picked out vintage gifts for my future in laws and sisters. And I planned a surprise bachelor party for BLT back home with his best dude friends - he has no idea! It'll be GREAT!
How about legalities? The GAL was finally appointed and finished up her report just last week. As expected she recommends that my Ex go through a significant amount of therapy - alone and with the children later - before he's allowed any access. So full custody and all decision making for the children stay with me. WHEWWWW... I assumed that would be the case, but damn it's great to see it in writing. Now we just have to go to court for the final parenting plan to be written. Easier said than done since the X is still full on crazy as the Mad Hatter and won't agree to anything. So the fight goes on.... and lets be honest, I fully anticipate that the fight with him will go on until my last daughter turns 18. So a bit over ten years of dealing with his rediculous accusations, and being hauled into court on his whim. I'm still trying to navigate a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of the kids. It's hard, and sometimes it hurts so bad my heart breaks in a way I could never have anticipated. I wanted to divorce the man - not the entire family system I had grown to know and love over the years. Some days I cry a lot. Some days I can be pragmatic and understand that everything changes and all I can do is adapt.
I guess that's the theme of this post... adapting. The blog, like me, is having growing pains. All around me life is changing. I'm getting married, my kids are growing up, my X isn't growing up. I'm navigating a new relationship with former family members. Our company is growing and work is busier than ever (thank God!) All around me there are opportunities to either accept this new life and change, or to desperately cling to what is known and comfortable. I'm choosing to adapt.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Are you there blog... It's me Lucy....
Long time no see huh?
I needed a hiatus. I needed to get through the Holidays and the madness that post holiday fatigue bring to my life. I needed to focus on all the GAL bullshit that's infiltrated every corner of our lives.
The past month has brought a bit of frustration, a few tears, lots of joy, lots of fun, and LOT checked off my "to do" list. I started the PINK method diet... go ahead and google it, I'm too lazy to link this morning. I was told the first two weeks I was grumpy. I don't recall being grumpy, but it's certainly not impossible - I was going through serious caffeine withdrawal.
There is wedding prep galore going on around the BLT & Lucy abode. We are making tissue pomanders, getting dresses fitted, and trying to find a suit for BLT. Mostly though we are just worrying how we'll pay for it all. I calculated that over 45 thousand dollars, my entire life savings and a chunk borrowed from my parents, has been spent in 2 1/2 years trying to get divorced from my gun toting X and to ensure the kids safety. GAL fees are currently what is sucking me dry - and there's no end in sight. I have to fight to prove to the court why I shouldn't be financially responsible for HIS monitored visitation and court ordered therapy... REALLY?? No child support for two years while he's in jail for trying to shoot me and I'm responsible for his therapy? How the (insert filthy expletive here) is that even fair? Anyway... I digress... that's a whole different post I'm sure. For now, lets continue to catch up shall we?
Taxes are done - that's another big weight off my mind. I'll be able to give it all to my parents to start paying back the above mentioned loan. It's a drop in the bucket - but every bit counts, and my pride won't let me keep money - even to pay for the wedding - if I owe them. It's just not right to buy stuff for myself if I still owe them, know what I mean? I couldn't live with myself.
So I apologize for my long absence. I haven't read my favorite blogs even to keep up with everyone. I've just sort of tuned out and focused all my attention on the kids, the bills, and BLT. But I'm ready to rejoin the land of living...
Say Hi and let me know if anyone is still out there! :)
I needed a hiatus. I needed to get through the Holidays and the madness that post holiday fatigue bring to my life. I needed to focus on all the GAL bullshit that's infiltrated every corner of our lives.
The past month has brought a bit of frustration, a few tears, lots of joy, lots of fun, and LOT checked off my "to do" list. I started the PINK method diet... go ahead and google it, I'm too lazy to link this morning. I was told the first two weeks I was grumpy. I don't recall being grumpy, but it's certainly not impossible - I was going through serious caffeine withdrawal.
There is wedding prep galore going on around the BLT & Lucy abode. We are making tissue pomanders, getting dresses fitted, and trying to find a suit for BLT. Mostly though we are just worrying how we'll pay for it all. I calculated that over 45 thousand dollars, my entire life savings and a chunk borrowed from my parents, has been spent in 2 1/2 years trying to get divorced from my gun toting X and to ensure the kids safety. GAL fees are currently what is sucking me dry - and there's no end in sight. I have to fight to prove to the court why I shouldn't be financially responsible for HIS monitored visitation and court ordered therapy... REALLY?? No child support for two years while he's in jail for trying to shoot me and I'm responsible for his therapy? How the (insert filthy expletive here) is that even fair? Anyway... I digress... that's a whole different post I'm sure. For now, lets continue to catch up shall we?
Taxes are done - that's another big weight off my mind. I'll be able to give it all to my parents to start paying back the above mentioned loan. It's a drop in the bucket - but every bit counts, and my pride won't let me keep money - even to pay for the wedding - if I owe them. It's just not right to buy stuff for myself if I still owe them, know what I mean? I couldn't live with myself.
So I apologize for my long absence. I haven't read my favorite blogs even to keep up with everyone. I've just sort of tuned out and focused all my attention on the kids, the bills, and BLT. But I'm ready to rejoin the land of living...
Say Hi and let me know if anyone is still out there! :)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Protests, Pre-teens, and Permission Slips
Just a few random thoughts for today...
1. I don't really have a desire to discuss politics here, but I will share that after Therapy on Tuesday night Chef and I passed three lonely little Protesters outside a tiny branch of US Bank in a residential neighborhood. One was clearly drunk, one was looking bored, and one was yelling angry Anti-Wall Street rhetoric. My 14 year old asks why they were there. We had a brief discussion about the issues at hand and protesting in general. Chef, in the very matter of fact way she sees the world says, "So somehow drinking in front of a closed bank at nine o'clock at night is going to get you a job? What is wrong with people... go home... Oh, and why was his sign so ugly? I mean, he obviously has time on his hands. Couldn't he make a nicer sign?"
I guess when you're 14 the aesthetics of your message are as important as the message itself, *giggle* and she does have a bit of a point. Manning a protest of three (well really 2 and a half since the one dude was so obviously more interested in whatever was in the brown paper bottle he was swiggin' than the injustices of the world) outside a teeny tiny bank in the middle of nowhere isn't going to accomplish much.
2. I got a call at work today. It was a cacophony of screaming and squealing. See... Thing 1 had hidden a book from Thing 2. Thing 2 wanted said book, as well as to raid Thing 1's herb supply. Why? Well obviously is was because Thing 2 intended to perform some kind of magical spell... ??.... confused? Yes I was too. Thing 1 apparently tackled Thing 2 during the whole bizarre exchange and embarrassed Thing 2 in front of a friend.
My answer... "Are you on fire? No... okay. Are you being abducted? No... well that's good. Now go do your homework. Stay out of the freaking Oregano, clean your room, and when that's done you can log onto Netflix and find some movie with teen aged vampires sucking on each other. Don't call me back unless it's an actual emergency. LOOOOOVE YOU!!!"
3. Can someone explain to me why my four kids wait until I'm leaving for work to all bombard me with papers to sign? I ask the night before. I swear I do, and nobody needs me for anything. But by the light of day - and at the point that my car is started and I've got one foot out the door - suddenly everyone need a permission slip to go to the petting zoo, their reading log signed, or a note to excuse them from swimming because my teen aged daughter is under the impression that tampons are the work of the devil.
Some days I just wonder if I'm the only one with a life like this....
1. I don't really have a desire to discuss politics here, but I will share that after Therapy on Tuesday night Chef and I passed three lonely little Protesters outside a tiny branch of US Bank in a residential neighborhood. One was clearly drunk, one was looking bored, and one was yelling angry Anti-Wall Street rhetoric. My 14 year old asks why they were there. We had a brief discussion about the issues at hand and protesting in general. Chef, in the very matter of fact way she sees the world says, "So somehow drinking in front of a closed bank at nine o'clock at night is going to get you a job? What is wrong with people... go home... Oh, and why was his sign so ugly? I mean, he obviously has time on his hands. Couldn't he make a nicer sign?"
I guess when you're 14 the aesthetics of your message are as important as the message itself, *giggle* and she does have a bit of a point. Manning a protest of three (well really 2 and a half since the one dude was so obviously more interested in whatever was in the brown paper bottle he was swiggin' than the injustices of the world) outside a teeny tiny bank in the middle of nowhere isn't going to accomplish much.
2. I got a call at work today. It was a cacophony of screaming and squealing. See... Thing 1 had hidden a book from Thing 2. Thing 2 wanted said book, as well as to raid Thing 1's herb supply. Why? Well obviously is was because Thing 2 intended to perform some kind of magical spell... ??.... confused? Yes I was too. Thing 1 apparently tackled Thing 2 during the whole bizarre exchange and embarrassed Thing 2 in front of a friend.
My answer... "Are you on fire? No... okay. Are you being abducted? No... well that's good. Now go do your homework. Stay out of the freaking Oregano, clean your room, and when that's done you can log onto Netflix and find some movie with teen aged vampires sucking on each other. Don't call me back unless it's an actual emergency. LOOOOOVE YOU!!!"
3. Can someone explain to me why my four kids wait until I'm leaving for work to all bombard me with papers to sign? I ask the night before. I swear I do, and nobody needs me for anything. But by the light of day - and at the point that my car is started and I've got one foot out the door - suddenly everyone need a permission slip to go to the petting zoo, their reading log signed, or a note to excuse them from swimming because my teen aged daughter is under the impression that tampons are the work of the devil.
Some days I just wonder if I'm the only one with a life like this....
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Fraggle Time
BLT went back home to visit his parents and spend time with Fraggle. While he was there he had a long talk with the grandparents about Fraggle coming to stay with us for an extended visit. He also made it clear that this was the first step towards her coming to live with us for good.
They were cooperative. They were receptive. They were actually really supportive! YAY!! We now have a plan. Forward momentum feels SO good! They love Fraggle to death, but they are in their 60's raising a 3 year old. It's exhausting!
BLT is starting school this month. He's going to be taking some networking and computer classes at night so that he can more easily play "I.T." nerd here at work and maintain our network and website for us. We won't be able to get down there for a visit for several months between school and trade shows.
In December BLT, all four of my girls and I will be going down to spend the week of Christmas with BLT's family. When we come back we will bring Fraggle with us for the entire month of January! We are all really excited!
In April Fraggle with have another extended visit with us after the wedding, and we will then decide the best way to transition her here with us full time at that point.
I'm so happy that we're going to all be a family together. Fraggle goes from being an only child to having four siblings. She goes from living in a fairly quiet, adult only home with her grandparents to a busy household of kids and dogs too! It's going to be a transition for everyone.... we know that. Five kids is a lot of work. But it's also a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of opportunity for growth for all of us.
Whew... I heard a quote once; "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." That seems to apply here pretty damn well!
They were cooperative. They were receptive. They were actually really supportive! YAY!! We now have a plan. Forward momentum feels SO good! They love Fraggle to death, but they are in their 60's raising a 3 year old. It's exhausting!
BLT is starting school this month. He's going to be taking some networking and computer classes at night so that he can more easily play "I.T." nerd here at work and maintain our network and website for us. We won't be able to get down there for a visit for several months between school and trade shows.
In December BLT, all four of my girls and I will be going down to spend the week of Christmas with BLT's family. When we come back we will bring Fraggle with us for the entire month of January! We are all really excited!
In April Fraggle with have another extended visit with us after the wedding, and we will then decide the best way to transition her here with us full time at that point.
I'm so happy that we're going to all be a family together. Fraggle goes from being an only child to having four siblings. She goes from living in a fairly quiet, adult only home with her grandparents to a busy household of kids and dogs too! It's going to be a transition for everyone.... we know that. Five kids is a lot of work. But it's also a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of opportunity for growth for all of us.
Whew... I heard a quote once; "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." That seems to apply here pretty damn well!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
So much to say, not enough energy to say it.
I'll use bullet points here because it's just been a hell of a week.
* My Ex sent a nasty letter through his lawyer threatening to have me sued for parental interference. He is claiming that I am coaching my children to tell the judge that they don't want to see him. This is, I swear on my life, 100% false.
This same letter claims that I am harassing him... and that I've arranged for my family to harass him. That he has been under surveillance, that my family are "conduits of information" between us and that I'm trying to trick him into violating his restraining order. Not a single bit of it is true. But in order to defend myself I have to send in copies of phone records to prove no calls have been made. I have to gather statements from therapists that the kids aren't coached, and I have to pay my lawyer to defend RIDICULOUS allegations. I want nothing more in this life than to have that man as far away from me as possible. My family has had zero contact with him. It's all just lies and vague accusations w/o any proof to back it up. But I'm bankrupting myself trying to defend against his stupid lies and that in turn hurts my kids.
* Lady Bug turns 12 on Thursday. We are having a little birthday BBQ for her tomorrow. We are also heading to the movies to see the new X men.
* Lady Bug also has to have her tonsils and adenoids removed the day before her birthday. She won't be a very happy camper this year... poor kid. We are working like crazy to get all her school work done and turned in ahead of time since she'll miss the last week of school.
* We are CRAZY busy at work
* Monday I have to go to the Kindergarten graduation ceremony for Monkey Pants. I can't believe Kindergarten is over already!
* I started running again this week. I managed to fit in two runs, 3.3 miles and then 3.65 miles. I'm slow as hell, but I got it done. I also got in a bike ride tonight. It was a perfectly cool night, and it's so relaxing to go around my sweet little town on my bike to relax after dinner.
* I've sketched out some quilting projects I want to get started soon. This will give me plenty of time to get them done before Christmas.
* I found out Friday that my health insurance was accidentally canceled...BACK IN APRIL!! Not a single notice that there was a problem until June 10th. Good Lord, way to be on top of things! It took nearly an hour on the phone to figure out what had happened and get the auto payment set back up. It should be retroactive once they get the payment situation smoothed out, but it was stressful dealing with the ridiculous insurance company.
* I bought my dad and BLT tickets to a Mariner's game in July. They will be their Father's Day gifts. My mom went in on them with me. We got them 25 rows back from the field, right over 1st base. Should be great seats! I think they'll like them since they had a great time at a game in Arizona when they were traveling on a business trip. I like that my two favorite men enjoy spending time together.
There have been tons of little issues this week... some good, some bad... it's all just blurred together into one long, exhausting week that I was happy to see the end of.
Onto bigger and better things...
* My Ex sent a nasty letter through his lawyer threatening to have me sued for parental interference. He is claiming that I am coaching my children to tell the judge that they don't want to see him. This is, I swear on my life, 100% false.
This same letter claims that I am harassing him... and that I've arranged for my family to harass him. That he has been under surveillance, that my family are "conduits of information" between us and that I'm trying to trick him into violating his restraining order. Not a single bit of it is true. But in order to defend myself I have to send in copies of phone records to prove no calls have been made. I have to gather statements from therapists that the kids aren't coached, and I have to pay my lawyer to defend RIDICULOUS allegations. I want nothing more in this life than to have that man as far away from me as possible. My family has had zero contact with him. It's all just lies and vague accusations w/o any proof to back it up. But I'm bankrupting myself trying to defend against his stupid lies and that in turn hurts my kids.
* Lady Bug turns 12 on Thursday. We are having a little birthday BBQ for her tomorrow. We are also heading to the movies to see the new X men.
* Lady Bug also has to have her tonsils and adenoids removed the day before her birthday. She won't be a very happy camper this year... poor kid. We are working like crazy to get all her school work done and turned in ahead of time since she'll miss the last week of school.
* We are CRAZY busy at work
* Monday I have to go to the Kindergarten graduation ceremony for Monkey Pants. I can't believe Kindergarten is over already!
* I started running again this week. I managed to fit in two runs, 3.3 miles and then 3.65 miles. I'm slow as hell, but I got it done. I also got in a bike ride tonight. It was a perfectly cool night, and it's so relaxing to go around my sweet little town on my bike to relax after dinner.
* I've sketched out some quilting projects I want to get started soon. This will give me plenty of time to get them done before Christmas.
* I found out Friday that my health insurance was accidentally canceled...BACK IN APRIL!! Not a single notice that there was a problem until June 10th. Good Lord, way to be on top of things! It took nearly an hour on the phone to figure out what had happened and get the auto payment set back up. It should be retroactive once they get the payment situation smoothed out, but it was stressful dealing with the ridiculous insurance company.
* I bought my dad and BLT tickets to a Mariner's game in July. They will be their Father's Day gifts. My mom went in on them with me. We got them 25 rows back from the field, right over 1st base. Should be great seats! I think they'll like them since they had a great time at a game in Arizona when they were traveling on a business trip. I like that my two favorite men enjoy spending time together.
There have been tons of little issues this week... some good, some bad... it's all just blurred together into one long, exhausting week that I was happy to see the end of.
Onto bigger and better things...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Happy Divorce-a-Versary to Me!
Yesterday was the one year anniversary.... or Divorce-a-Versary if you will... from my psychotic X. I celebrated in style with beer and Nachos at my favorite Mexican restaurant with Ethel and BLT. Not extravagant, and quick like, as it's a week night - but it was fun to toast to the future and not so fondly remember Capt. Cookaloo.
I've come a long way in a relatively short period of time, and as hard, and horrible as it's been at times I don't regret it.
I don't regret my relationship with BLT, my divorce, or the struggles the kids and I have endured because we're stronger for it. We are closer, and we are all so happy with our little blue cottage, our sleepy little town, and our family.
My only wish would be that my X would suffer a traumatic brain injury and get total amnesia, or get eaten by a Velociraptor. But since that doesn't look like it'll happen I'll just have to fight him through legal means. Not fun, but necessary. I have faith that we'll all be OK in the end.... we just might need to lean on friends and cry on a few shoulders as we go.
Thank God Ethel and BLT excel at the supporting and hand holding thing... whew... what would I do without them?
I've come a long way in a relatively short period of time, and as hard, and horrible as it's been at times I don't regret it.
I don't regret my relationship with BLT, my divorce, or the struggles the kids and I have endured because we're stronger for it. We are closer, and we are all so happy with our little blue cottage, our sleepy little town, and our family.
My only wish would be that my X would suffer a traumatic brain injury and get total amnesia, or get eaten by a Velociraptor. But since that doesn't look like it'll happen I'll just have to fight him through legal means. Not fun, but necessary. I have faith that we'll all be OK in the end.... we just might need to lean on friends and cry on a few shoulders as we go.
Thank God Ethel and BLT excel at the supporting and hand holding thing... whew... what would I do without them?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Quirks... I has em...
I'll be honest- I am aware that I have, shall we say, Quirks.
I can only stand one kind of hangers in my clothing closet.
All of my clothes are organized by color, tank tops followed by short sleeves, followed by long sleeves. Anything out of place bugs the hell out of me.
When I load the dishwasher I separate all the silverware into their own areas of the basket. Forks together, butter knives, small spoons, etc I tell myself it's because it makes it easier to put it away when it's clean...but honestly I just like how orderly it looks.
My towels in the linen closet are folded with military precision (but I could care less about the sheets... weird I know) It is one of the simple joys in Ethel's life to come and refold a few of my towels just to make me twitch. I know, I know.... it's fun to mess with the anal retentive, I can't blame her.
I have food texture issues. I don't eat anything slimy. No jello, no pudding, no cream pies etc. I HATE anything squishy. I don't eat seafood (allergies), I prefer all meat removed from the bone, I can't choke down iced or even room temperature coffee - it has to be very hot, and last but not least I detest cream sauces, tempura, white gravy, and cottage cheese.
The only part of my body that is ticklish is my back, it's also my biggest erogenous zone. A finger lightly run up my spine makes me swoon. A kiss on the shoulder blade and I'm all yours. People have accidentally touched my back in a crowd and made me groan out loud (that can be embarrassing...)
I refuse to wear ugly shoes for comfort. I would rather ache all day and wear cute shoes. I'm very tall and I adore my stiletto heels. I consider it my job as a woman to extend some effort to look nice for my man on a daily basis. Vain? Sure. I'm okay with that.
I will only wear matching bra and pantie sets. I only buy things in sets and will not mix and match. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE lingerie and take great pride in my pretty matching sets. Like shoes... I just see no reason for any female under the age of 80 to wear cotton panties you can purchase in a bulk pack. No way, never, uh uhhh No self respecting woman should buy panties that come in a plastic package. There is something exquisitely feminine about opening that box and pulling aside the tissue to see your lacy bits of girlyness waiting for you.
Lastly... It's silly I know, but I can't sleep with the closet door open. I don't care what anyone says, there are monsters in there....
So fess up... what are YOUR weird quirks?
I can only stand one kind of hangers in my clothing closet.
All of my clothes are organized by color, tank tops followed by short sleeves, followed by long sleeves. Anything out of place bugs the hell out of me.
When I load the dishwasher I separate all the silverware into their own areas of the basket. Forks together, butter knives, small spoons, etc I tell myself it's because it makes it easier to put it away when it's clean...but honestly I just like how orderly it looks.
My towels in the linen closet are folded with military precision (but I could care less about the sheets... weird I know) It is one of the simple joys in Ethel's life to come and refold a few of my towels just to make me twitch. I know, I know.... it's fun to mess with the anal retentive, I can't blame her.
I have food texture issues. I don't eat anything slimy. No jello, no pudding, no cream pies etc. I HATE anything squishy. I don't eat seafood (allergies), I prefer all meat removed from the bone, I can't choke down iced or even room temperature coffee - it has to be very hot, and last but not least I detest cream sauces, tempura, white gravy, and cottage cheese.
The only part of my body that is ticklish is my back, it's also my biggest erogenous zone. A finger lightly run up my spine makes me swoon. A kiss on the shoulder blade and I'm all yours. People have accidentally touched my back in a crowd and made me groan out loud (that can be embarrassing...)
I refuse to wear ugly shoes for comfort. I would rather ache all day and wear cute shoes. I'm very tall and I adore my stiletto heels. I consider it my job as a woman to extend some effort to look nice for my man on a daily basis. Vain? Sure. I'm okay with that.
I will only wear matching bra and pantie sets. I only buy things in sets and will not mix and match. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE lingerie and take great pride in my pretty matching sets. Like shoes... I just see no reason for any female under the age of 80 to wear cotton panties you can purchase in a bulk pack. No way, never, uh uhhh No self respecting woman should buy panties that come in a plastic package. There is something exquisitely feminine about opening that box and pulling aside the tissue to see your lacy bits of girlyness waiting for you.
Lastly... It's silly I know, but I can't sleep with the closet door open. I don't care what anyone says, there are monsters in there....
So fess up... what are YOUR weird quirks?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thankful
In no particular order, I'm thankful for:
Cashmere Sweaters
Full Time Employment
Ethel
Good Kisses
Clear Skin
Sexy Undies
Hot Coffee
BLT
My Running Shoes
Netflix
Nice Fingernails
Ben & Jerry's
Healthy Kids
A Dependable Car
My Parents
Sleeping In
A Fantastic Sex Life
My Blue Cottage
Waterproof Mascara
Restraining Orders
Thrift Store Bargains
Quality Teachers
Warm Pajamas
Birth Control
Kindle Books On My Blackberry
Facebook
Vintage Table Cloths
Diet Coke
Blogging, and Blogger Comments
SPANX
My Crock Pot
A Man Who Cooks
Health Insurance
A Hot Shower
Long, Sexy Hair
My Therapist
My Lawyer
Disneyland
My King Size Bed
Quilts
Veterans
Second Chances
Cashmere Sweaters
Full Time Employment
Ethel
Good Kisses
Clear Skin
Sexy Undies
Hot Coffee
BLT
My Running Shoes
Netflix
Nice Fingernails
Ben & Jerry's
Healthy Kids
A Dependable Car
My Parents
Sleeping In
A Fantastic Sex Life
My Blue Cottage
Waterproof Mascara
Restraining Orders
Thrift Store Bargains
Quality Teachers
Warm Pajamas
Birth Control
Kindle Books On My Blackberry
Vintage Table Cloths
Diet Coke
Blogging, and Blogger Comments
SPANX
My Crock Pot
A Man Who Cooks
Health Insurance
A Hot Shower
Long, Sexy Hair
My Therapist
My Lawyer
Disneyland
My King Size Bed
Quilts
Veterans
Second Chances
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Making a house a home...
BLT and I spent the weekend putting wood laminate flooring in TNT and Monkey Pants' bedroom. Last weekend Ethel and I pulled up the carpet and pad. Then I painted the room two different colors.
This weekend it's the wood flooring. Next weekend hopefully it's changing out the ugly light fixtures to something fun, to be followed by handmade curtains for the three windows with some matching bed pillows.
The last job I have for this room is going to require the use of a carpenter/handyman I know. There is no closet in this room and with two, eventually three young ones in that big ol' room a closet is a necessity. Once that's done it's onto one of my many other projects for this little blue cottage.
I can't even explain how nice it was to do a home improvement job with BLT. He was calm, patient, worked with a sense of humor I found refreshing, and best of all he told me when I was nit-picking and being bitchy. I know it sounds weird, but I love that he's secure enough in "us" that he can tell me when I'm out of line and I need to just step back and stop being a bitch.
I know I get stressed when a project doesn't go exactly right...and in a house that is 90 years old there is never going to be anything that goes as planned, lol, I need to just accept that one right now or I'll make myself and everyone else nuts! BLT, in his infinate understanding of what makes me tick kissed me and told me to chill out or he wasn't going to be able to help me finish the job. I needed to hear it. I don't always realize - mid hissy fit - that I'm being unpleasant. It takes someone to lovingly put it into perspective for me, and he does that without any blame or unneccesary critisism.
So... job nearly done. There are some really complicated cuts necessary for the last row since the walls in this old place are not anywhere close to level or square! The handyman I mentioned will come in and finish that last row, as well as instal the moulding - again, lots of odd angles and little nitches so I'm going to have a professional take care of that part to save myself the time, money, and aggrivation of doing it myself.... sometimes you should just know when to cut your losses and call in the professionals - know what I mean?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Men and Woman Do NOT Speak the Same Language!
Wow... maybe that whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing has some merit. Last night on the drive home from work BLT says that he's thinking of taking a drive. From there on we had an evening that was one big, giant miscommunication.
As I mentioned he was acting like some kind of bug flew up his ass, and he was short with the kids and with me. I went to the store, he apparently came upstairs and took a nap. Once I got home and got the kids fed he came down and said he was going to get a beer.
That turned into him disappearing for two hours, no call, no nothing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was unhappy. I took his disappearance and his mood personally. All the signs I were reading lead me to believe I had done something wrong and he was angry with me, or the kids, or simple just regretting his decision to move here with us.
In man land he felt like he had already told me he wanted a drive, so when he went for a beer he decided to drive for awhile first. He didn't turn on his phone because the point of a long drive for him is to be left alone so he can decompress and work stuff out in his head. It didn't occur to him that I was sitting at home wondering if he hit a deer and was in a ditch someplace, or that he found some hot little (childless) thing to spend the evening with and he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn't coming home! (Insecurity is NOT sexy, I know this. Trust me, I hate myself for feeling this way from time to time...)
I think part of my insecurity about BLT deciding I'm not worth it comes from my X. When we were splitting he asked me if I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted someone who was happy with his life, who was interesting and fun, and had a rich life he wanted to share with me... not someone who needed me to make him happy. My X looked at me and said, "why would someone like that want to share their life with YOU?" and you know what, that was the way he always made me feel. He never made me feel smart, or sexy, or worthwhile. It's like he wanted me feel thankful that he was willing to put up with me despite my shortcomings. There's a part of me, no matter how hard I try, that still feels like that sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough, or funny enough, or sexy enough for BLT to stick around.
So he comes home, sees me seething at my computer and asks me what's wrong. He's honestly confused, which kind of just makes me more upset. So I do that girl thing... I say, "nothing, everything is just fine" but I don't mean it, and he knows it.
Long story short... after about an hour of conversation he explains his side, I tell him I can't take it if he just disappears, he has to tell me, give me a basic timeline like; "Baby, I'm going for a drive to cool off, I'll be back in an hour or two. Don't worry if I don't answer my phone." I can deal with that, I can understand a need to be alone. I won't worry if I know you're coming home soon.
I explained my fears, he held me. He said the right things... he always says the right things. He loves me, he likes the kids. It's just an adjustment for him and he needs some quiet. He's used to being alone, and this is a busy, noisy house...something very new for him. He apologized and we both promised to be better at communicating with each other. The only thing he asked of me was that I never say things are fine when they aren't.
He would rather have me yell at him than be fake. I can deal with that.
As I mentioned he was acting like some kind of bug flew up his ass, and he was short with the kids and with me. I went to the store, he apparently came upstairs and took a nap. Once I got home and got the kids fed he came down and said he was going to get a beer.
That turned into him disappearing for two hours, no call, no nothing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was unhappy. I took his disappearance and his mood personally. All the signs I were reading lead me to believe I had done something wrong and he was angry with me, or the kids, or simple just regretting his decision to move here with us.
In man land he felt like he had already told me he wanted a drive, so when he went for a beer he decided to drive for awhile first. He didn't turn on his phone because the point of a long drive for him is to be left alone so he can decompress and work stuff out in his head. It didn't occur to him that I was sitting at home wondering if he hit a deer and was in a ditch someplace, or that he found some hot little (childless) thing to spend the evening with and he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn't coming home! (Insecurity is NOT sexy, I know this. Trust me, I hate myself for feeling this way from time to time...)
I think part of my insecurity about BLT deciding I'm not worth it comes from my X. When we were splitting he asked me if I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted someone who was happy with his life, who was interesting and fun, and had a rich life he wanted to share with me... not someone who needed me to make him happy. My X looked at me and said, "why would someone like that want to share their life with YOU?" and you know what, that was the way he always made me feel. He never made me feel smart, or sexy, or worthwhile. It's like he wanted me feel thankful that he was willing to put up with me despite my shortcomings. There's a part of me, no matter how hard I try, that still feels like that sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough, or funny enough, or sexy enough for BLT to stick around.
So he comes home, sees me seething at my computer and asks me what's wrong. He's honestly confused, which kind of just makes me more upset. So I do that girl thing... I say, "nothing, everything is just fine" but I don't mean it, and he knows it.
Long story short... after about an hour of conversation he explains his side, I tell him I can't take it if he just disappears, he has to tell me, give me a basic timeline like; "Baby, I'm going for a drive to cool off, I'll be back in an hour or two. Don't worry if I don't answer my phone." I can deal with that, I can understand a need to be alone. I won't worry if I know you're coming home soon.
I explained my fears, he held me. He said the right things... he always says the right things. He loves me, he likes the kids. It's just an adjustment for him and he needs some quiet. He's used to being alone, and this is a busy, noisy house...something very new for him. He apologized and we both promised to be better at communicating with each other. The only thing he asked of me was that I never say things are fine when they aren't.
He would rather have me yell at him than be fake. I can deal with that.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Ready to Make My Move
I'm going to start looking for a new place to rent. The girls and I can't take much more of this tiny place with crazy neighbors. It's worked, and it's sure better than a camper trailer - but the kids are starting to snark at each other and get on everyone's nerves. Four kids in one room is just not working.
I called on three places today. There is VERY little to rent in the tiny town I live in. And of what there is, half is out of my price range.
I'm hoping one of these three will pan out. One is a small house. One is a mobile home. One is a townhouse.
The house is my first preference because we would have a yard for the doggies, it's not in a mobile home park, and we wouldn't share a wall.
Only one bathroom...but that's workable.
Wish me luck!! I'm really hoping one of them calls me back tomorrow.
I called on three places today. There is VERY little to rent in the tiny town I live in. And of what there is, half is out of my price range.
I'm hoping one of these three will pan out. One is a small house. One is a mobile home. One is a townhouse.
The house is my first preference because we would have a yard for the doggies, it's not in a mobile home park, and we wouldn't share a wall.
Only one bathroom...but that's workable.
Wish me luck!! I'm really hoping one of them calls me back tomorrow.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perfect Timing
In so many little ways BLT and I are in perfect sync with each other. The only other person I have that with is Ethel. These two important people in my life seem to have this 6th sense when it comes to me.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
This is the type of Sunday I remember
Today wasn't perfection or anything, but it was the first weekend since August that I felt was normal. It was as close as we've gotten in the past several months to a normal, stress free, drama free family Sunday.
We all over slept to begin with. Something I never do. I have a very hard time sleeping in general. I fell asleep some time after 3am, and I was dead to the world until 11 am. 8 whole hours is double what I normally get, and I'm a light sleeper too.... not today. I was in a coma, dead to the world until I woke up.
We walked to the video store to return a movie, then over to the park. It was cool out, but we had fun playing on the big toy, playing with the dogs, jogging a little bit around the paths. Then we took the dogs home and walked back to the video store to pick up Planet 51 we had on reserve. Back home for sub sandwiches for dinner, our movie, and then we played a couple games of Clue.
Laundry, and getting ready for school the next day, then bed for the kiddies. All in all, very normal. Normal feels amazing after all the upheaval and craziness we've had in the past 7 months. Normal feels like a gift.
We all over slept to begin with. Something I never do. I have a very hard time sleeping in general. I fell asleep some time after 3am, and I was dead to the world until 11 am. 8 whole hours is double what I normally get, and I'm a light sleeper too.... not today. I was in a coma, dead to the world until I woke up.
We walked to the video store to return a movie, then over to the park. It was cool out, but we had fun playing on the big toy, playing with the dogs, jogging a little bit around the paths. Then we took the dogs home and walked back to the video store to pick up Planet 51 we had on reserve. Back home for sub sandwiches for dinner, our movie, and then we played a couple games of Clue.
Laundry, and getting ready for school the next day, then bed for the kiddies. All in all, very normal. Normal feels amazing after all the upheaval and craziness we've had in the past 7 months. Normal feels like a gift.
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