Are you there blog... It's me Lucy....

Long time no see huh?
I needed a hiatus.  I needed to get through the Holidays and the madness that post holiday fatigue bring to my life.  I needed to focus on all the GAL bullshit that's infiltrated every corner of our lives. 

The past month has brought a bit of frustration, a few tears, lots of joy, lots of fun, and LOT checked off my "to do" list.  I started the PINK method diet... go ahead and google it, I'm too lazy to link this morning.  I was told the first two weeks I was grumpy.  I don't recall being grumpy, but it's certainly  not impossible - I was going through serious caffeine withdrawal. 

There is wedding prep galore going on around the BLT & Lucy abode.  We are making tissue pomanders, getting dresses fitted, and trying to find a suit for BLT.  Mostly though we are just worrying how we'll pay for it all.  I calculated that over 45 thousand dollars, my entire life savings and a chunk borrowed from my parents, has been spent in 2 1/2 years trying to get divorced from my gun toting X and to ensure the kids safety. GAL fees are currently what is sucking me dry - and there's  no end in sight.  I have to fight to prove to the court why I shouldn't be financially responsible for HIS monitored visitation and court ordered therapy... REALLY??  No child support for two years while he's in jail for trying to shoot me and I'm responsible for his therapy? How the (insert filthy expletive here) is that even fair?   Anyway... I digress... that's a whole different post I'm sure.  For now, lets continue to catch up shall we?

Taxes are done - that's another big weight off my mind.  I'll be able to give it all to my parents to start paying back the above mentioned loan.  It's a drop in the bucket - but every bit counts, and my pride won't let me keep money - even to pay for the wedding - if I owe them.  It's just not right to buy stuff for myself if I still owe them, know what I mean? I couldn't live with myself.

So I apologize for my long absence.  I haven't read my favorite blogs even to keep up with everyone.  I've just sort of tuned out and focused all my attention on the kids, the bills, and BLT.  But I'm ready to rejoin the land of living...

Say Hi and let me know if anyone is still out there! :)

God I was a bitch today

I have to admit that I was feeling so put out and bitchy today, I know I wasn't pleasant to be around.

I can blame the heat. Or the fact that my kids called me six times at work screaming and fighting on the phone expecting me to play referee. I can blame my former in-laws for continuing to piss me off. Or the bank for making it impossible for me to get my X off my automobile title without jumping through the most ridiculous steps. (Honestly, why do they need proof of the weight of my car to print a new title with just my name on it? Why the hell does how much it weighs affect anything?)

I suppose I have plenty of fairly legitimate reasons to feel pissed off at the world, and I think in some ways it was a combination of all those things. But it wasn't any one thing that triggered this enormous melt down.

I saw myself in one of those bank camera / tv things today and I look fat. Like REALLY fat. I've gained back 20 pounds of the 60 I lost several years ago. I can't believe I'm letting myself go... I'm slipping back to that hideous mess I was. And you know what? I was pissed at myself.

Then add in the phone calls, the heat, the bullshit with the bank and POW... mega bitch mode kicks in.

I have had a headache since two o'clock this afternoon. I need to just take a cool shower and go to bed. Maybe I'll be nicer to myself and everyone else in the morning light.

Good News / Bad News / No News

1. Good News: X is totally, 100% unable to sue me. First of all his lawyers filed a notice that they are no longer representing him - and since he's out of money, he no longer has his 500.00 per hour bulldogs to do his bidding from jail Second, since the kids are still protected by a no contact order I am under absolutely no obligation to tell him anything... so go suck an egg Mr. X!! If you want to make my life difficult from prison you'll have to beg, borrow, or steal another retainer, hire another law firm, and start from scratch. Since you're possibly the laziest creature that ever walked this planet I'm not going to loose sleep over your threats any longer!

2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.

Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.

3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.

Gotta get my butt in gear

I've been putting on weight the past few months. I'm not eating particularly well and I slowed WAY down on the running / exercise since moving in May. I'm spending time working on the house, or playing with the kids, or - lets be honest - snuggling in bed with BLT watching movies. I'm not complaining, those are all fantastic things, but I hate how I'm looking these days, I have no energy, and my clothes don't fit anymore.

All I know is the clothing that either fit a few months ago, or was roomy is T-I-G-H-T.. and I don't have the budget or the desire to purchase bigger duds.... so what's a girl to do?

I can step up the exercise, cut back the calories and hope for the best I guess. I've contemplated joining Weight Watchers online. I went to WW several years ago and lost about fifty lbs. I've kept it off really well until recently. I figure in the past six months I've gained a minimum of 15-20 lbs...it's just packing on faster than you can imagine!!

I know that WW works for me, because I do well with the whole tracking and list making thing. Also, when I'm accountable for weighing in I tend to do better than when I'm left to my own devices.... the down side however is that the closest meeting to me (I live in the boonies) is about an hour away and they only offer one meeting choice a week.

So... should I attempt it on my own for awhile and see if I can keep at the good choices and exercise on my own? Or just say "hell with it" and do what I know works for me?

One way or another this extra padding is coming off. I refuse to let all that hard work I did before go to hell and have to start over. I'm getting a handle on this situation right now. I've been telling myself for two months, "okay, on Monday you'll start your diet" and then Monday rolls around and we end up BBQing and I overeat. Then Tuesday comes and we go out for dinner and I give in and share a dessert with the kids. Wednesday I'll go running, and Thursday we'll have something delish like pasta and garlic bread for dinner, or I'll hit the bakery with the kids and have a scone and latte for breakfast. I'll run on Friday - but then go for late drinks and appetizers with BLT for "date night", and the weekends are always a free for all - lol, no time to exercise and we end up either eating out or grilling burgers or steaks - Gosh I'm hungry thinking about it.

I don't over indulge every day, but enough that it's catching up to me. I'm only getting a run in about twice per week, I'm just so dang busy, and after work there is a hundred and one things to do at home...excuses, excuses, I know.

I just need to make myself take a little walk at lunch and then have some fruit and something light... skip the pastry for breakfast and stick with my old friend the banana and hard boiled egg combo. More water, less diet soda. I know what to do, it's just getting my ass motivated to do it. Also, no more excuses.... I need to run three days per week and get some other kind of exercise in a couple other days. I have a membership to my local club. They are open until 7pm, I can go do some reps of light weights, or walk on the treadmill, or get my flabby gut toned up with some crunches...something.

So here is me, making myself accountable. I will give it a week or so on my own, but if I'm not successful then I'm going to join WW again. Summer is upon us and I want to look the way I did last year!