Long Time No Post, GAL Meeting, and Catch Up

I think I was hiding for a little while there.  I've been a bit more stressed out than normal and I kind of crawled into a little hole and hid for a week or two.  Buuuuuut.... I'm back and feeling all chipper  not entirely insane so I figured I would blog a little and work out some of the random crap floating around in my semi full noggin.

I do have to confess that I injured poor Ethel.  Last Monday I slammed the car door on her hand and busted open her finger.  It bleed EVERYWHERE.  I have no idea why she puts up with me, I swear.  Poor girl! Go ahead, I deserve a small amount of verbal flogging for being a klutz!

Also last week I  met with our GAL - I shall call her Dr. Britt.  Not because she's British mind you, but because it sort of relates to her name and she is a Dr of the PhD variety...and I just kinda dig it.  So Dr. Britt and I get together via phone the final week in October.  I had sent in 1/2 of the required payment to her and hadn't heard anything, so I called and introduced myself.  We had a short, but pleasant conversation and she forwarded some paperwork onto me by email.  I filled in out within 24 hours and emailed it back to her.  I followed up a few days later with an email letting her know when to expect the final half of the payment.  Shortly there after my X's evil lawyer calls and accuses me of standing in the way of the reunification process and actually said, "My client has behaved PERFECTLY and your client is obstructing his attempts at establishing visitation by refusing to work with the GAL.  She better get into compliance immediately or... insert random scary legal threats here"  So my lawyer contacted Dr. Britt and asked if I had been in contact and where we were in the process.  Dr. Britt replied via email that at that time I was the only one she had heard from, I was the only one who had completed my parenting worksheet, and I was the only one who had paid.  SO SUCK THAT YOU "PERFECTLY BEHAVED" JACK WAGON!  grrrr... sorry for the anger there, but jeez I hate being accused of standing in the way or being somehow responsible for his failures.  I don't need to stand in his way - he does a good enough job of screwing up on all his crazy own!

Well last week it was time for our face-to-face meeting.  It was nice to hear before hand that Dr. Britt realized this wasn't about me at all, and that interviewing me and meeting with the kids was just a formality - and that her primary job is to establish what my X's mental condition is currently and what kind of therapy, DV treatment, and possible parenting classes he will have to submit to prior to establishing some kind of reunification plan and monitored visitation set up.   So we met for two hours and discussed my history with my ex, our current living situation and  how the kids are doing.  We talked a bit about my plans for the future, and what I would need to see from the X in order to feel safe.  It was a really good meeting.  It felt amazing to hear her say that she thinks I'm a good mom, and that I'm doing a good job. 

Lots of stuff going on this week as well.  I'm heading to court on Thursday to try and get the kid's Restraining Order renewed against the X.  He is, of course, fighting it - so there have been legal shenanigans a plenty from his camp.  That's a whole post all on it's own.  The amount of absolute bull crap being flung over the fence from Capt. Crazy and his team of Legal Hooligans is freaking amazing.  Blatant, and bold lies even when we've presented the court with proof otherwise - and he clings to those crazy stories for all he's worth.  It's just laughable to some extent - but scary too.  I think he actually believes his own lies.  He's convinced himself really and truly that he's some kind of victim of the system and an evil ex wife who masterfully has manipulated police, judges, lawyers, therapists, and the family court system to screw him over.   None of this guarantees that I'll get my motion passed and get a 3rd restraining order though - so I'm trying not to focus on the "what if" scenarios too much or I'll devolve into a blubbering pile of anxiety and stress. 

This week is also my birthday.  I'm somewhere past 35 now and not yet 40.  It's pretty hideous actually, and I plan on ignoring the day as much as possible.  Although my wonderful parents did bless me with the gift of a shiny new 12 quart, restaurant quality stock pot.  I'm stoked to make some home made chili or maybe chicken and dumplings for everyone soon!

Also this week are four parent/teacher conferences, and lots of kid "stuff" going on. I think I need a vacation people!

Waiting for a call

I'm just sitting here waiting to hear from the Guardian Ad Lidem for my kids.  Two weeks ago she sent my lawyer an email stating that she would contact me by email.

A week after that I had not heard from her, so I mailed in the first 1/2 of my payment due to her, and I included all my contact information, and thanked her for accepting our case.

It been another full week and as of yet I've not spoken to her.   I know that she has all my contact information, and I imagine that when she wants to speak with me I'll hear from her.   I don't want to seem anxious or pushy so I don't call.  I don't want to appear as though I'm hiding something either - so I worry about not calling.

I am just not a patient person.  This whole thing is making me nuts. I want a resolution, or at the very least a plan to work towards a resolution.  It's been over two years of waiting to see what the X will do.  I'm out of patience.  I'm out of money.  I'm out of energy to deal with all this crap anymore, and most of all - I'm tired of my own story. 

Does that make any sense?

Capt. Coo-Ka-Loo strikes again!

Today BLT said, "Well it appears that X is going to behave himself.  Maybe the worst is behind us." Why oh why didn't we knock on wood, toss salt over a shoulder... something to negate the joo joo we just unleashed?

 It wasn't more than an hour later that I got a call from my daycare provider.  It appears that X was upset by the bill he received for his half of the child care.

Somehow in the La La Land that X operates in he's decided that he should only pay 285.00 per month for two kids.  No idea where he pulled that number out of, but he decided that's his fair share and everyone else should just go along with it. His half of the bill for October is 315.00... yes folks, he's harassing someone over 30.00, what the hell is wrong with him? 

So instead of being rational and mature he starts to fixate...  then he starts to call.  Between the hours of 8 and 11:40 he called 7 times.  Who does that? He creeped out the poor girls at the center, and I feel terrible that my provider is feeling harassed. 

He didn't get the answer he wanted from the first two people he spoke with so he proceeded to call five more times and just hang up when the owner wasn't the one who answered.  They did the *69 thing, so they know it was him. Once the owner was available to call him back he makes vague references to having his lawyer deal with the "Icky Sticky Legal Issues" as he called them.  What is there to deal with? You owe half - no matter how much it is. Suck it up, and send the poor woman her payment.

The other issue at hand is the fact that on two occasions the provider has informed him that she does not want to deal with him directly. She told him once, and sent him a letter informing him that she chooses to only deal with him via email.   So he really does need to leave this poor woman alone.

For the love of baby Jesus... he can't even exhibit a little bit of self control when he knows that the GAL and therapists have his behavior under scrutiny.  Why can't he just behave himself?

Oh ya... because he's a freakin' whack job! Part man child, part deranged felon...  that's right....

The Definition of Crazy

I read a quote somewhere about how the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If that's true then my X is CRRRRAAAAZZZZY.  Oh yes, most certainly bonkers, nuts, whacked, psycho, fruity.... pick your favorite term.

He can't seem to figure out that not doing what the judge requires of you doesn't impress anyone.  He can't seem to get it through his thick skull that the only person he's screwing over is himself.  He spends all his time trying to find new ways to avoid having a mental evaluation by the GAL, and to cost me more money at the same time, and he's spent zero time doing the things required of him to see the kids.

So what's the real priority here?  I think it's plain to see that it's not reconnecting with your children.  It's all about punishing me in whatever way you can, and in general avoiding all responsibility while continuing to play the victim.

Good lord.... it's been over twice as long as the judge allowed for the GAL to be appointed and he's still causing delays and refusing to abide by her ruling in regards to his mental evaluations.  And he still seems to think that all these delays will some how ensure he looks better in the eyes of the court?  Huh?

Today my lawyer sent another firmly worded letter, sort of a "pooh or get off the pot" offer to sign the papers as we all originally agreed to back in June, or we will see you back in court on September 22nd.

I have zero faith that he'll see the light and do what he's supposed to.... but I can pray for a miracle right?!

What's His Motivation?

I've been thinking a lot about what my X's motivation is for the things that he does, and more so lately for the things that he doesn't do.

The family court judge told my X that he was supposed to write letters to the kids for 60 days. The goal of these letters (PLURAL) was to reintroduce himself to the children in a non threatening way, and to establish some level of communication.   He sent one letter.

The judge said that a GAL (Guardian Ad Lidem) was to be agreed upon and hired within 30 days, or the first available GAL who met specific criteria was to be hired.  It's been over 2 months and my X is still stalling, and arguing over who that GAL will be.  He is refusing to work with the GAL appointed by the court. He presented the option of a male GAL which just won't work. We present option 2 and he claims she's too expensive....  the man who hasn't had to pay a dime in child support in two years, who's legal bills are all paid for by his mommy, who lived with said Drama Momma once he got out of jail, and who's debts were cleared for him while he sat in jail so he could start fresh upon his release... ya, that guy is now complaining about having to pay half of the GAL fee. 

I'm responsible for paying the other half.  And raising the kids.  And paying for my therapy for what he did to us.  I'm the one drowning in debt and fielding calls from collection agents looking for money for the debts dumped in my lap by both the divorce and his incarceration.  Do you see me playing games with the GAL?  No.  Just the poor "victim" of an Ex-Husband I'm stuck with.

He says he wants to see his children.  He writes long weepy declarations to the court about how his children have been poisoned against him, and how he's harassed by my family and by myself.  He wears this mantle of victimization proudly and whines incessantly that he's financially strapped. 

Why?

I don't understand what he's trying to achieve.  If it was actually to see his kids wouldn't he be writing the letters, getting the court required therapy, and working like hell to get the GAL appointed?

If he was trying to save money wouldn't he avoid going back and forth to family court and dragging this out?

If he was trying to punish me wouldn't he realize that being in my life and in the kids life is the true punishment?  That by dragging this out we're all actually HAPPIER because we don't have to deal with him directly?

I hate not understanding what his goal is.  I don't know how to anticipate his next move.  I can't prepare myself  or my kids for whats to come, because I don't have any clue what he's trying to accomplish... and that makes me anxious.

Trying to understand the inner workings of a crazy man's mind is surely going to make me crazy too!

Fool me once...

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  I have nobody to blame for my current predicament except myself.  See, someone I trusted lied to me. They had the best of intentions at the time, and I would like to think they honestly believed what they were saying... but when push came to shove they caved under pressure and sided with my X instead of doing what is right and standing firm. And by going back on their word to me they've put my kids in danger.

I should have known better.  This person did this once before. They laid out an edict that said, "I don't support him, I won't let him live in my house unless he does X, Y, and Z... etc and so forth." But when the time came they didn't keep their word.  They caved...  standing firm was too hard in the face of my ex and all my former in laws (and their money).

Knowing this I let this person back into my life... I listened to their promises.  I believed them. I shared and was honest and vulnerable with them, and I made declarations to the court in a legally binding statement because of the information this person gave me... and now I look like a liar.  I look like a fool.  I look like the kind of person that makes up things.  I look like a flake.

I am hurt and I feel betrayed, not only by this person - but by myself as well.  I didn't listen to my little inner voice that was shouting "don't trust... don't believe."  I'm very scared of going to court tomorrow.  I haven't seen my ex since that night when he brought the gun to my house. I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  I'm afraid if things don't go our way that my girls will feel like I let them down. I feel like we've lost another member of our family to this disaster - because, no matter what the outcome is I'll never be able to trust this person again.  I'll never let them close to us again.  There's too much at stake.

And worse of all... I feel like my kids are in danger.  If my X has half a chance I absolutely believe that he'll make good on his threats to steal my children in order to punish me.

We will be in court at 1:30.  If you're so inclined, say a little prayer for my children and their safety and let the judge see all the lies and excuses for what they are.

Happy Divorce-a-Versary to Me!

Yesterday was the one year anniversary.... or Divorce-a-Versary if you will... from my psychotic X.  I celebrated in style with beer and Nachos at my favorite Mexican restaurant with Ethel and BLT. Not extravagant, and quick like, as it's a week night - but it was fun to toast to the future and not so fondly remember Capt. Cookaloo.

I've come a long way in a relatively short period of time, and as hard, and horrible as it's been at times I don't regret it.

I don't regret my relationship with BLT, my divorce, or the struggles the kids and I have endured because we're stronger for it. We are closer, and we are all so happy with our little blue cottage, our sleepy little town, and our family.

My only wish would be that my X would suffer a traumatic brain injury and get total amnesia, or get eaten by a Velociraptor.  But since that doesn't look like it'll happen I'll just have to fight him through legal means.  Not fun, but necessary.  I have faith that we'll all be OK in the end.... we just might need to lean on friends and cry on a few shoulders as we go.

Thank God Ethel and BLT excel at the supporting and hand holding thing...  whew... what would I do without them?

Lovers, Liars and Lawyers

Well I've been a busy girl...

As you read in my previous post my Mother's day pretty much sucked ass.  There's no other way to put it.  My kids were...well they were kids. They don't have their own money, they don't drive, and nobody was around to remind them it was Mother's Day.  BLT didn't mean any disrespect, and once he realized my feelings were hurt he felt like a jerk.  He told me that he remembered his mother, and even my mother- but he's never had a girlfriend who was a mother.  He said, "I'm an ass, I didn't even think about you that way and I dropped the ball." Being gone three days prior to Mother's day on a business trip didn't help any.

He offered to take me to dinner and a movie - and I'll cash in when we get paid again in another week.  So in the end no harm, no foul...I'll survive.  Plus he felt so bad we had the most amazing make up sex EVAH! Whoo hoo, I'm talkin' bone melting hot.  Dang that man of mine can turn on the tasty charm when he's motivated!

A couple days later I had an unpleasant surprise.  I was served papers by my X's scummy lawyer. He's hauling me into court demanding shared custody and get this... he wants child support FROM ME!!!  Oh ya, someone is smokin' crack in that camp.  It is a 33 page motion full of lies, excuses, and bullshit.  There is no other way to put it.  Ethel read it all and I swear she nearly gagged on some of the crap he was shoveling.  It's pathetic.

There were ridiculous stipulations about me being cooperative in his efforts to get the kids passports (uhhh... NO you are not taking my kids out of the country Capt. Crazy Pants!) and about me giving up the rights provided in my Restraining Order and providing him with my home address and phone numbers so that he could have access to the kids.  Again I said, "hell to the no...but thanks!"

I was especially fond of the two pages of rambling poor me story line that detailed how he was a victim, and since his release he's bonded with his grandfather over the death of his grandmother, and how their mutual grief and loss of beloved spouses resonates within his soul.  I would like to mention that his grandparents dislike him greatly and I've been assured by my former Father In Law that this is still the case.

So anyway, it's back to court we go.  He - with a box of tissues and a barrel of lies.  Me, armed with 911 tapes, police reports, declarations by family members, friends, therapists, and medical records.  I feel secure in my position that he won't get what he wants.  But I don't have the money to fight the good fight for long so I really hope he doesn't drag this out.  Of that I have no faith at all. 

I do worry about the uber liberal retards in the family court system though.  This state has this moronic statute that basically says that parents have a right be a part of their kids lives as long as there is only a minimal amount of harm caused.  You know, it's okay to mess up your kids... just a little...  as long as it salvages a bad parents rights.  We wouldn't want to trample on that drug dealing, meth head, hooker mom's right to influence her young children now would we?  Or in my X's case - we wouldn't want to get in the way of an irresponsible, absent, half crazy, abusive gun toting a-hole's attempts to emotionally manipulate his children in order to punish his ex-wife would we?  *sigh*

I'm going to have to just admit that I don't have control here. I can prepare the best I can.  I can arm myself with facts and depositions.  I can even bring in specialists and doctors.  But in the end it will be up the judge and I have to have faith that the judge is not going to put my kids lives in danger.  I have to have faith in that or I'll never make it through all this without loosing my mind.

Getting What I Asked For

In so many good ways I've gotten what I asked the Cosmos for.  I have a man who loves me. I have a stunning sex life.  My kids are happy and settled.  I have an amazing vintage cottage in a beautiful little town to live in.  I have steady employment that I enjoy. 

However, I've also gotten some of the things I asked for that turned out not so good.  See, I just kept repeating "All I want is for him to leave us alone. I wish he would ignore us, and act like we don't exist." Well I got my wish, but now I understand that I might have spoken too soon.  See... what I should have said is that I don't want to have to spend any time with him.  I don't want him to use my kids to hurt me.  I do however wish that he had to pay child support. Raising four kids alone is really hard.

My youngest needs $800.00 worth of dental care immediately.  I can't even ask my douche of an Ex-Husband for help because of the restraining orders, and because there is no child support ordered by the family courts yet I can't even send a request for help to him through lawyers.  I am totally on my own here - as usual.  I applied for Care Credit - a line of credit for medical bills and was denied due to bad credit.  My nearly 1/2 a million dollar home went into foreclosure when the X went to jail.  My once great credit is destroyed.  I can't even get a high interest credit card at this point.

I humbled myself and asked my former in-laws for help.  Even though they have a crap-load of money they declined, in a very snotty fashion to help out.  All their promises about doing anything to help the kids was a total lie.  They want to punish me by denying my kids help... it's the same shit it always was.  They have money - and they use it to control and punish the people around them. Their grandchildren are just casualties in this whole messy war that's been declared against me because I had the nerve to walk away from their precious boy.

So I don't know what to do.  I'm taking some designer handbags to a resale shop... the owner said she would be interested in them.    I have one last jewelry item I'll pawn...  and a good 50 dollars worth of books to sell to the used book store.  That gets me a little closer to my goal. 

I guess what burns me the most is that my in laws would have given my X the money in a heart beat...  no matter what it's for.  A new Xbox 360 and games? Done.  All new clothing post jail? Done.  A new car? Done.  Money for a lawyer? Done.   But they won't give it or loan it to me for our 6 year old's teeth.  Just to be cruel.

I guess that will teach me to be careful what I ask for...

I need a legal eagle

I'm frustrated, scared, and more than a little on edge this week.  Ever since my X showed up at the kids school two weeks ago, a blatant violation of the restraining order, I've been trying to contact my lawyer.  I've left messages and emailed numerous times and haven't been able to get a hold of her.

The one thing I hate more than anything else is being ignored.  This is the one thing that is sure to raise my anxiety level. When I'm scared and stressed out I need to know what the next step is.  I need to be able to plan, and prepare myself for what's coming up. Obviously I can't do that if she won't communicate with me.

I received a call today from my X's new attorney.  Apparently she has paperwork for me and has been unable to contact my legal council either.  I looked up my X's new attorney online and found out she's been fined and cited by the Bar Association for unethical behavior.  Her website claims that she specializes in domestic violence and custody battles.

Explain to me why he got a lawyer who specializes in DV when he's the one who went to prison for assault?  Never mind, I know the answer.  He threatened all along to sue me for custody, take my kids, and disappear so that I can never see them again.  He's been making lots of noise about getting the kids removed from the TRO (temporary restraining order) because his version of reality is that the only reason he went to jail was because I lied, and he's the real victim.

Oh yes... that six hour stand off with the SWAT team and that loaded shot gun were all just one big misunderstanding.  And me running through the streets naked in the wee hours of the morning?  What was that?  My new exercise plan?

Can you feel my blood pressure rising?  Because it is... My heart is pounding, I'm sweating.  I feel faintly nauseous, and I'm trying hard to keep my cool.  PTSD is a bitch.  I'm going to breath.  I'm going to focus on what I can control this very minute.  I wish it worked better - but it's what I've got to work with.

Well today I finally got an email from my current lawyer.  She's having serious health issues and promised to answer calls and emails when she could.  I decided to let her know that I made an appointment for a consultation with another lawyer.  I explained that my X is claiming that BLT and I are junkies, and that he's trying to get the TRO lifted.

If you knew me you would laugh.  You'll have to believe me when I tell you that I don't smoke, I drink very lightly and only socially.  I'm such a control freak that I chose natural child birth FOUR times instead of filling my body with pain killing drugs.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  This is just an attempt to mess with me and make my life difficult.  I need someone who is able to deal with this issue right away.... plus my current lawyer's office is a three hour drive from my new house.  It's too hard to spend the entire day in traffic to sign papers or have a meeting.   I'm hoping she understands, because I really do like her and I don't want any hard feelings between us.  She's done so much for the kids and I already... but I have to look out for our best interests and there is an immediate threat to our happiness and safety.

The thing that scares me the most is that I don't know how he could possibly have a leg to stand on - but if this dirty lawyer took his case she must have some reason to think that my X stands a chance of getting either visitation or custody.  The idea is terrifying to be honest, and I'm choosing not to discuss this with the kids right now. All of them have told their therapist that they don't want to see him, and I've told his family this - but they don't care.  It's not about us, or what's best for the kids... it's all about my X and what he wants.

Life just started to settle down for us.  We're happy, we're all healing emotionally, and life has been really good lately.  Now he's going to mess everything up.  His mommy's deep pockets ensure that he has the resources to keep me tied up in court for years while I go bankrupt trying to protect us.  He isn't working, so he has plenty of time to devote to making our lives hell. 

It all feels very threatening and scary right now.  It's times like these that I want to pull the covers over my head and eat my way into a chocolate coma.  It's just my luck that I chose last weekend to join Weight Watchers with Ethel so that I can get the 20 lbs off I packed on during my divorce.  Isn't that just Murphy's Law?

Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...

This is one I'll never understand.  A few people in my life are going through this same thing.  A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship.  This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear.  Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.

Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation.  For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best.  He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't.  Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together.  She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible.  I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.

My X decided we were getting divorced.  I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact!  Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together.  When I refused he got...well, crazy.  At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me?  I don't love you.  I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together."  His reply?  "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built."  NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.

Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us?  Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things?  I personally don't get it at all.  I want to be wanted.  I need to be wanted.  

I've been ignored and it feels terrible.  And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed.  I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive.  My ego couldn't handle it.

I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse.  I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!"  is the best way to reach either of them.  And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth!  So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.

That's all I've got to offer.

Let the dance begin...

I knew in my heart that it was only a matter of time before my X violated the restraining order that was issued for my children and I. I just hoped that going to prison was enough of a deterant to delay the inevitable for awhile. That was wishful thinking on my part.

You see my X is a narcissist, he believes he's the smartest man in the room, and he's usually right. But his downfall is that he has no people skills. He is anti-social and conceited. He doesn't feel as though he did anything wrong, so the rules don't apply to him. Only that conceit makes him predictable, and his total lack of interpersonal skills makes it hard for him to predict others behavior. He assumes people will do what he wants, or give him what he thinks he is owed, and when that doesn't happen he doesn't adjust his plans accordingly, he just can't.

That's how he ended up in prison. He never imagined I would stand up to him and call the police. He assumed I would roll over and beg for my life when I saw the gun. He didn't think I would run.

Well my therapist called it when she gave him 30 days before he violated the restraining order. Friday, 26 days after his release he was seen by two separate witnesses at my kid's school. The police were called. The school went into lock down, and a search was made of the entire town. Only they couldn't find him so they can't to a thing about it. It's frustrating, they have to catch him in the act or they can't send him back to jail.

So here we go again. I've heard this music before, and I've done this sick little dance with him. It starts with the phone calls, Check. Then it's coming around where he's not supposed to, Check. Next will be the cyber stalking or following us around. He can't help himself.

And so the dance begins until he messes up and gets caught. Or until he shows up at my house again with a gun. Only this time I'm not running. This time I'm prepared and capable of defending myself. Either way this ends, it won't be good for any of us. Any way this plays out my kids suffer. They don't have their father in thier life.  They don't get any child support and financially things are hard for us. Worse case sceanario has me shooting the idiot when he shows up at my house in order to defend us. It kills me knowing that the lesser of two evils is my only option when dealing with my X, because there is no good outcome possible.  He's put this in motion by not getting counseling, by not working, and by defying the judges orders and coming near us.

I'm just so frustrated and angry about all of this I can hardly talk about it without having a massive headache or anxiety attack. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I honestly wish he would just do what he's supposed to do and leave us alone, get a job, pay his child support, and for one nano-second take into consideration what is in their best interest.

It's just a piece of paper.

I am acutely aware that the restraining order against my X is nothing more than a piece of paper. My X was released from prison on the 6th of March. Starting on the 9th I began receiving calls at work where someone just breaths on the other end. No speaking, no other noises. In less than a month I have received 10 of these calls.

Last night I received the same kind of call on my cell phone. That number is unlisted. I just changed carriers and got a new number a few days before his release. How did he get my number?

Why won't he leave me alone? I can't go through this again. I know it's him, and it's a viation of my restraining order, but he's smart enough to use a blocked or unavailable number. I can't prove it, so there is nothing I can do except sleep with my .38 under my pillow and pray to God that tormenting me via the phone gives him a big enough thrill that he doesn't come looking for me or my kids.

I have a sinking feeling thatvthis is the beginning of something very bad.

Bitter Divorcee Poetry

I'm having one of those weeks where I'm so pissed off at my Ex-Con loser of an Ex Husband. So in his honor I present Bitter Divorcee Poetry.

I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have a buzzard peck his eyes out tonight.

Or the ever classy;

Roses are Red
His eyes are blue
I hope he gets Herpies
And genital warts too.

Hey I claimed to be bitter, not that my poetry would be any good!

Feeling Vulnerable

I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him.  If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.

I dislike this feeling.  Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days.  I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about." 

HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it.  It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep.  What if he fell in love with someone else?  What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip?  What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?

Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources.  I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night.  I was physically and emotionally damaged.  If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car. 

The idea of being back in that place is very scary.  I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT.  I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future.  I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever.  I just feel like I need some kind of  insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps.  I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.

Mostly I think I need time.  Time to finish healing.  Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail.  Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.

I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up.  Either one would work okay for me.

It came... and went....

Today was the day.  His release from prison.  At this moment he's at his mom's house, all comfy and being coddled like some prodigal son.

And you know what?  I didn't really think about it all day.  I've been working my ass off at a local trade show.  I spent all week last week prepping for it.  I spent all day Friday setting up my booth and attending the trade show banquet.  I spent all day Saturday and Sunday hawking my wares, smiling until my cheeks hurt, and making nice with the show attendees.    Not once during the day did he cross my mind.  No panic attacks.  No hysterics or paranoia.

The next week is going to be VERY busy.  This was, by far, one of our most successful trade shows ever. BLT and I kicked some major butt - today alone we took in over 3K in orders... that's right... THREE THOUSAND dollars baby!  We did at least a thousand the day before as well.  Some of our products sell for only 13 - 15 dollars each - so that's a LOT of product ordered and moved this weekend.  Next weekend will be spent cutting, packing, and shipping those orders. 

The following week I'm off to Disneyland with my four kids for five days of fun in the sun!

I don't have the time to worry about him.  And you know what?  I don't WANT to worry about him.  I know he's out there somewhere.  I know that he may try and come around.  I refuse to change my life.  I refuse to be terrified.  I refuse to let him win by not enjoying my life and my well earned successes.  Screw him. 

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support.  I thought this was going to be a very anxiety inducing weekend, and it turns out that it wasn't as bad as I anticipated.  Having good friends, and my family around me has made all the difference.  Whewww...   I'm exhausted!  Off to bed, because next week is going to be a killer!

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear.  No parole.  No monitoring.  Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together.  I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside.  I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that.   I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep.  I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center.  The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack.  I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago.  I'm really afraid to, to be honest.  I'm afraid to look at those photos.  Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls.  I'm not running away.  I'm not hiding in my bed.  But I feel anything but fearless these days.

Crappy Teachers, and Possession is 9/10th of the Law

First I'm just going to sum up a long and frustrating week by saying that my child has several amazing teachers...and one very lazy, ridiculously ridged one.  My middle child has severe ADD and needs a few modifications to enable her to be successful. She can't be expected to remember what she's supposed to do for all six classes when she gets home.  She just doesn't retain instructions and multi-step processes at all.  She needs written instructions, or a Syllabus for each class.  She needs to be able to take notes in class, and I need the teachers to communicate with me if she's missing several assignments in a row.  Four days before the end of the quarter I find out she's failing three of her six classes.  Why?  She does the work, but she doesn't remember what to turn in, and to whom (if she even remembers to take it back to school, it really is an issue we struggle with all the time.)  They never once contact me until it's too late.  SO...  after lots of blame and finger pointing we are going forward with a 504 plan that will help give her some extra assistance.

Now to the possession part of this frustrating week.  When my ex and I split we had several verbal agreements. In my opinion all of them became null and void when the asshole showed up at my door with a gun.  Now he wants to sit back in his jail cell and pick and choose which of these agreements he wants to observe.  For example we had owned a Maytag duet washer and dryer set, top of the line worth several thousand dollars.  The "verbal agreement" was that the washer and dryer would go with the kids.  Whomever had the kids, got the keep the washer and dryer.  When negotiating the final divorce decree he demanded the return of the washer and dryer.... even though he was in prison, and once getting out of prison he would live with his mother, and the children will NEVER reside with him again.  Okay, fine.  Be an ass.  I won't fight over stuff.  I let him have them.  I cleared out my savings account and bought a new washer and dryer even though I really couldn't afford it.  I followed the letter of law and gave in to every one of his ridiculous demands just so that he would sign the divorce papers and I could get one with my life.   Now, nine months later he wants me to return the X-Box 360.  The children are under the impression that the video game system was bought FOR THEM.  They have spent their own birthday money and allowance on games and accessories.  I've spent my own money on things for the system.  The kids use it every day because it's their video game system, DVD player, and access to Netflicks shows/movies on instant download.  I'm not telling them they have to give it back to their dad...  not gonna happen.  The fact that the jerk-off even asked for it back shows he doesn't care about disappointing his kids.  He's a total douche...  UGH!!

So ya... possession being nine tenths of the law and all that means he can kiss my butt if he thinks I'm taking one more thing away from my kids. He bought it for them, or at least he told them he did...  he's going to honor at least one promise he made whether he likes it or not.

75 days

In 75 days my more than slightly psychotic ex-husband will be released from jail.  No parole, no monitored group home, no restrictions on his behavior other than the restraining orders in place for the kids and I.

As of September he was still talking like a crazy, bitter, angry man.   He was still blaming me for his decision to try and shoot me.

He was promising to get back "everything that was taken from him" and claiming to be thinking about me every hour of every day.... delightful... just what you want to hear when someone has gone to jail for stalking you, trying to shoot you, and then having you followed while he was in prison. 

I'm doing everything I can to control my fear, and my anxiety.  Some days I'm successful, some days I'm horribly, pathetically incapable of keeping the fear under control.  I don't like that he has the ability to frighten me.  I don't like that I'm not strong enough to live my life without anxiety attacks and psycho therapy.  I don't like any of this.

I'm glad Ethel moved while he was a guest of the state - at least he can't find her and her family in an effort to find me.  Not that he won't find me...I'm sure his Drama Momma has already told him what town we are in, and he'll just hire another detective to find me.  In this day and age it's nearly impossible to hide - I accept that.

I just have to hope his desire to remain out of jail is stronger than his desire to punish me, but hope is a fragile thing that brings me very little comfort of sense of security these days.

Controling the Anxiety, Standing Up For Myself, and Not Making Plans

I've had several pretty massive panic attacks lately. I've also had several smaller, more easily controlled bouts of anxiety as well. I'm working on removing the things from my life that cause those anxious feelings, and dealing with the ones that I can't remove. What causes me the most stress is finding myself in situations where I don't have control, especially in regards to my former husband's family. I don't know what information they are funnelling to him and/or his bulldog lawyers. I can't handle having them minimize my feelings or what the kids are going through. Dealing with them at all is a huge trigger for me.


To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.


As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.


I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.


Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."


Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.