It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

75 days

In 75 days my more than slightly psychotic ex-husband will be released from jail.  No parole, no monitored group home, no restrictions on his behavior other than the restraining orders in place for the kids and I.

As of September he was still talking like a crazy, bitter, angry man.   He was still blaming me for his decision to try and shoot me.

He was promising to get back "everything that was taken from him" and claiming to be thinking about me every hour of every day.... delightful... just what you want to hear when someone has gone to jail for stalking you, trying to shoot you, and then having you followed while he was in prison. 

I'm doing everything I can to control my fear, and my anxiety.  Some days I'm successful, some days I'm horribly, pathetically incapable of keeping the fear under control.  I don't like that he has the ability to frighten me.  I don't like that I'm not strong enough to live my life without anxiety attacks and psycho therapy.  I don't like any of this.

I'm glad Ethel moved while he was a guest of the state - at least he can't find her and her family in an effort to find me.  Not that he won't find me...I'm sure his Drama Momma has already told him what town we are in, and he'll just hire another detective to find me.  In this day and age it's nearly impossible to hide - I accept that.

I just have to hope his desire to remain out of jail is stronger than his desire to punish me, but hope is a fragile thing that brings me very little comfort of sense of security these days.


  1. I've never had something like this happen so I can say "I know how you feel" I just wish you the strength to be strong for your children and the willingness to do whatever it takes to keep you and your family safe.
    It must be very difficult at times but I have a feeling you have it in you to keep yourself well and safe.

    Sending strong thoughts and Karma you're way.
    May this we your happiest NEW YEAR EVER!


  2. Yes, I'm with KC. Sending lots of strength your way.


  3. **hugs**

    Here's hoping that things aren't as bad as you're expecting them to be. It's good to prepare yourself...but I hope that you're finding ways to deal with these feelings as well. I also hope that with some time and distance he's been able to cool off so he can see the situation for what it is, and do what's best for his children.

  4. It must be an awful feeling living with this hanging over you. Stay strong, believe in yourself and please, do whatever is necessary to stay safe.

    Thinking of you,