I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.
11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear. No parole. No monitoring. Complete freedom.
I'm trying really hard to keep it together. I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside. I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it. I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that. I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.
The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep. I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.
Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center. The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack. I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago. I'm really afraid to, to be honest. I'm afraid to look at those photos. Does that make me weak?
I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls. I'm not running away. I'm not hiding in my bed. But I feel anything but fearless these days.