It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear.  No parole.  No monitoring.  Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together.  I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside.  I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that.   I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep.  I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center.  The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack.  I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago.  I'm really afraid to, to be honest.  I'm afraid to look at those photos.  Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls.  I'm not running away.  I'm not hiding in my bed.  But I feel anything but fearless these days.


  1. Being brave doesn't mean never feeling afraid. Being brave means feeling the fear and still doing what you have to do....which is exactly what you're doing. I know that you'll do what you need to, in order to keep your family safe.


  2. Yes, what she said.

    You're going to need an outlet for that anxiety. Take care of yourself.

  3. I fear for you sweetheart. I hope he isn't a lunatic.

    Eventually you're going to explode or feel the need to so take it easy woman and try and expel some of that energy.

    My best wishes to you.

  4. You aren't weak, you are human. Mommasunshine said it beautifully. I was hesitant to send them via email but knew you'd want to get them to the school and daycare right away. I hope you held his hand as you opened them. There is strength waiting for you....just reach out. Much love, Ethel

  5. Exactly what Mommasunshine said so beautifully. Have courage.

    Thinking of you,

  6. Thanks Sunshine... I needed to hear that!