I'm not only coming from an economical standpoint either. Of course in this economy most people who have a job are thankful for it... This is about how much I enjoy coming to work. I realize that I was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with my four kids for 12 years, but I thank God on a regular basis that I have a job now. I love the schedule. I love the responsibility. I love the security of earning my own pay check. I love getting to spend time with grown up people. Working with my family is fun!
The last couple years I was home I used to joke with Ethel that I was going to light my hair on fire and run up and down my road just for something new to do. Your house can only get so clean... you can only attend so many PTA functions. You can only watch so much home decorating television. At least that was the case for me. I loved the time I could spend with my kids - hell it was even worth being married to that ass of an X I had to dedicate those years to my kids. And I'll be honest, I really do feel like I was good at it.
I managed a large house hold pretty damn well. I participated in my kid's schools, and we had a lot of fun!
However I'll can't see myself ever willingly going back to being a stay at home mom. Even if BLT and I got married and he earned the kind of money that made it possible. I don't want to be financially dependant on anyone ever again. I don't want to give up the social interaction, the mental stimulation, and the pleasant routine that going to work each day provides.
It's a balancing act of course. Learning to work full time and keep my house up to the standards I'm comfortable with was a learning experience. But in a good way I think. Moving to the tiny town we live in certainly has helped. There aren't a lot of the distractions available to us that some people probably deal with. We cook our meals at home because it's less expensive, but also because we have extremely limited options near us. We use Netflix and watch movies together at home, we walk to the library, or the store, or to friends houses because we have that option and we enjoy spending time together. All that time at home means we make doing chores a routine.
It's about priorities too. I want a career AND a nice house to live in, and I feel like I've gotten that for myself. I feel really settled and blessed in that regard. Life is good. You can't ask for much more than that!
Okay... I regularly ask for a tree to fall on my X... but other than THAT I have what I need!
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Lucy Left Alone...2.0
It seems as though it's my lot in life to have partners who travel. Now BLT being away feels totally different than when my X traveled for work - but still, I feel a tad jealous to be honest.
On the outside I'm supportive. I listen to the stories about the restaurants enjoyed, or the schmoozing and the night life activities that come along with business conventions, but deep down I want to shout, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FIVE COURSE GOURMET MEAL.... I MADE GRILLED CHEESE AND SOUP - AGAIN! YOU WENT TO A CONCERT AND A BALL GAME. I SPENT FRIDAY NIGHT PICKING GUM OUT OF A 6 YEAR OLD'S HAIR!"
Does that make me a bad person? I hope not, I know it sounds petty so I bite my tongue, smile, nod, and listen.
When I was married my X traveled Monday - Friday, came home long enough to do his laundry, complain about things I hadn't managed to get done while I was raising the children essentially alone, nag at me about our non-existent sex life, ignore us for awhile and play World of Warcraft, and then repack his clean skivvies and take off for another round of meetings and expensive hotels. I can't remember a single time he ever called to check in on us. He just assumed I had everything under control - and for the most part I did. It burned me though to hear him describe how exhausting his job was, and how horrible it was to be away from home so much. What a freaking phony!
I know it's not all glamorous. I know that it's exhausting sometimes having to be on your A-Game when you're not sleeping well, or you're traveling while not feeling great. And I know, at least for BLT he does genuinely miss the kids and I when he's away. But even knowing all that I would love, just once to trade places. I would love to only be responsible for dressing myself for a week. I would like to be the one in the hotel room with clean sheets, a never ending supply of hot water for the shower, and a newspaper at the door each morning. I would like to be the one ordering meals in restaurants instead of cooking. I would like to be the one who has an excuse to dress in something nicer than my ratty jeans and bleached out David Bowie concert tee. I want someone else to stay home alone with the kids - to go to work all day long, come home at night and make dinner, help with homework, referee arguments, play taxi driver, get everything ready for the next day and then be there to listen to my funny stories about the people I met or the places I ate at.
BLT will be home from another trip in about four hours... and of course I'm looking forward to his return. I miss him very much when he's away - something totally new for me. When my X traveled it was more of a relief. Our marriage was in the toilet and when he was around it was even more stressful. So I'll do my hair, put on a clean shirt, dig the graphite and grime out from under my nails and get my game face on...
On the outside I'm supportive. I listen to the stories about the restaurants enjoyed, or the schmoozing and the night life activities that come along with business conventions, but deep down I want to shout, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FIVE COURSE GOURMET MEAL.... I MADE GRILLED CHEESE AND SOUP - AGAIN! YOU WENT TO A CONCERT AND A BALL GAME. I SPENT FRIDAY NIGHT PICKING GUM OUT OF A 6 YEAR OLD'S HAIR!"
Does that make me a bad person? I hope not, I know it sounds petty so I bite my tongue, smile, nod, and listen.
When I was married my X traveled Monday - Friday, came home long enough to do his laundry, complain about things I hadn't managed to get done while I was raising the children essentially alone, nag at me about our non-existent sex life, ignore us for awhile and play World of Warcraft, and then repack his clean skivvies and take off for another round of meetings and expensive hotels. I can't remember a single time he ever called to check in on us. He just assumed I had everything under control - and for the most part I did. It burned me though to hear him describe how exhausting his job was, and how horrible it was to be away from home so much. What a freaking phony!
I know it's not all glamorous. I know that it's exhausting sometimes having to be on your A-Game when you're not sleeping well, or you're traveling while not feeling great. And I know, at least for BLT he does genuinely miss the kids and I when he's away. But even knowing all that I would love, just once to trade places. I would love to only be responsible for dressing myself for a week. I would like to be the one in the hotel room with clean sheets, a never ending supply of hot water for the shower, and a newspaper at the door each morning. I would like to be the one ordering meals in restaurants instead of cooking. I would like to be the one who has an excuse to dress in something nicer than my ratty jeans and bleached out David Bowie concert tee. I want someone else to stay home alone with the kids - to go to work all day long, come home at night and make dinner, help with homework, referee arguments, play taxi driver, get everything ready for the next day and then be there to listen to my funny stories about the people I met or the places I ate at.
BLT will be home from another trip in about four hours... and of course I'm looking forward to his return. I miss him very much when he's away - something totally new for me. When my X traveled it was more of a relief. Our marriage was in the toilet and when he was around it was even more stressful. So I'll do my hair, put on a clean shirt, dig the graphite and grime out from under my nails and get my game face on...
Friday, July 29, 2011
Things I've learned this week
This was a ... hmm... odd week. Odd sums it up. It was stressful, and busy, and we've all been a bit cranky. We've had some personnel changes at work that were difficult, and we're all pulling a few extra hours to cover our collective asses.
This week I've learned the following:
1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it. It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure. The maternal unit, however, is more creative. She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds.
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them. No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em. Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.
*Sigh...* So that was my week.
Tell me what YOU learned this week!
This week I've learned the following:
1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it. It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure. The maternal unit, however, is more creative. She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds.
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them. No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em. Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.
*Sigh...* So that was my week.
Tell me what YOU learned this week!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
It came... and went....
Today was the day. His release from prison. At this moment he's at his mom's house, all comfy and being coddled like some prodigal son.
And you know what? I didn't really think about it all day. I've been working my ass off at a local trade show. I spent all week last week prepping for it. I spent all day Friday setting up my booth and attending the trade show banquet. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday hawking my wares, smiling until my cheeks hurt, and making nice with the show attendees. Not once during the day did he cross my mind. No panic attacks. No hysterics or paranoia.
The next week is going to be VERY busy. This was, by far, one of our most successful trade shows ever. BLT and I kicked some major butt - today alone we took in over 3K in orders... that's right... THREE THOUSAND dollars baby! We did at least a thousand the day before as well. Some of our products sell for only 13 - 15 dollars each - so that's a LOT of product ordered and moved this weekend. Next weekend will be spent cutting, packing, and shipping those orders.
The following week I'm off to Disneyland with my four kids for five days of fun in the sun!
I don't have the time to worry about him. And you know what? I don't WANT to worry about him. I know he's out there somewhere. I know that he may try and come around. I refuse to change my life. I refuse to be terrified. I refuse to let him win by not enjoying my life and my well earned successes. Screw him.
Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support. I thought this was going to be a very anxiety inducing weekend, and it turns out that it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Having good friends, and my family around me has made all the difference. Whewww... I'm exhausted! Off to bed, because next week is going to be a killer!
And you know what? I didn't really think about it all day. I've been working my ass off at a local trade show. I spent all week last week prepping for it. I spent all day Friday setting up my booth and attending the trade show banquet. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday hawking my wares, smiling until my cheeks hurt, and making nice with the show attendees. Not once during the day did he cross my mind. No panic attacks. No hysterics or paranoia.
The next week is going to be VERY busy. This was, by far, one of our most successful trade shows ever. BLT and I kicked some major butt - today alone we took in over 3K in orders... that's right... THREE THOUSAND dollars baby! We did at least a thousand the day before as well. Some of our products sell for only 13 - 15 dollars each - so that's a LOT of product ordered and moved this weekend. Next weekend will be spent cutting, packing, and shipping those orders.
The following week I'm off to Disneyland with my four kids for five days of fun in the sun!
I don't have the time to worry about him. And you know what? I don't WANT to worry about him. I know he's out there somewhere. I know that he may try and come around. I refuse to change my life. I refuse to be terrified. I refuse to let him win by not enjoying my life and my well earned successes. Screw him.
Thanks to everyone for your kind words and support. I thought this was going to be a very anxiety inducing weekend, and it turns out that it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Having good friends, and my family around me has made all the difference. Whewww... I'm exhausted! Off to bed, because next week is going to be a killer!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Broken Hearts and Bad Dreams
I'm broken hearted for my co-worker. Just a few days before Christmas her daughter was struck by a car while she was fleeing her abusive boyfriend. She was so severely injured they made the decision to take her off life support and donate her viable organs two days before Christmas. Her families generosity means that several other people got a second chance at life.
I can't imagine this kind of loss. Bea came into work for the first time since the accident and I've never seen a human grieve like this before. It's never been so close to me before - so palpable. The air around her is actually heavy, if that makes any sense - as though you can actually feel her pain and loss. You can almost close your eyes and smell it, taste it like bitter fruit in the back of your throat.
I wish I had the right kinds of words to offer comfort. I know that nothing I could say would help. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her that we love her.
Ever since I heard about the accident I've had bad dreams off and on about something happening to my kids. I can't imagine it... it really is the stuff of nightmares.
I can't imagine this kind of loss. Bea came into work for the first time since the accident and I've never seen a human grieve like this before. It's never been so close to me before - so palpable. The air around her is actually heavy, if that makes any sense - as though you can actually feel her pain and loss. You can almost close your eyes and smell it, taste it like bitter fruit in the back of your throat.
I wish I had the right kinds of words to offer comfort. I know that nothing I could say would help. All I could do was give her a hug and tell her that we love her.
Ever since I heard about the accident I've had bad dreams off and on about something happening to my kids. I can't imagine it... it really is the stuff of nightmares.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Blizzards, Birthdays, Bonuses and Bitches
It's been a busy, CRAZY busy week. We got 20+ inches of snow, and are expecting a bit more to come tomorrow. I spent well over an hour with a snow shovel, as BLT doesn't own boots and it's in the teens here temp. wise. I dug us out - the snow was as high as my knees! Today we only had to work a half day, so we went and bought that man some winter gear!
Today is Monkey Pants' 6th birthday. We celebrated with her favorite dinner - mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. LOL, weird combo I know, but hey...that's what you get when you offer to make a six year old anything they want to eat! Grandma got her a Pillow Pet and embroidered her name on it for her. BLT picked up a stuffed monkey and a Rapunzel doll - both were quite the hit. She woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn to say, "isn't there something you want to say to me?" Heh, yes she's precocious!
The boss man at work called BLT and I into the office and told us that being such a tiny company they can't afford to give us any kind of holiday bonus in cash, but we did each get a 50.00 gift certificate to our local butcher shop (mmm, and out here that means it's FRESH and usually Organic, like "get that cow out of the field because LoM wants steak tonight!) and we'll be closed from December 23 - January 3rd, but we'll get paid for all the days we are closed! NICE!! We are both very excited... we were just happy to have the time off to spend together, and for BLT to drive home to see his family for a couple days. Getting paid for it wasn't expected at all!
And now to the "bitch" section of this post. Neither of my psychotic X's parents sent Monkey Pants a gift for her birthday. Both asked when they could see her. I told both of them the same thing, that their therapist and I both agree that it's not in their best interest to have anything more than limited contact with family or friends who are actively supporting and/or excusing the X. I gave both parties my mailing address and asked them to mail any gifts or cards to her and I would make sure she got them on her birthday. In true narcissistic fashion they're more worried about their hurt feelings than my poor child, and neither of them ended up mailing her anything. And I made the damn fool mistake of telling Monkey Pants a gift was in the mail from Grandma because we couldn't get together with them right now, so she's been waiting and she was disappointed today. I feel like an ass for assuming they wouldn't punish the child because they are upset with me. What a couple of twat waffles...
So I went to the store and bought an extra gift today. If on Monday there isn't anything in the mail I'll wrap it up and pretend it's from Grandma. At least it will make her feel better, and I'll know not to make promises I'm not sure they'll keep. It's not her fault her grandparents are useless, spineless, self obsessed a-holes. I feel guilty. I feel like if I just sucked it up, and dealt with the anxiety and bit my tongue, or just let them keep abusing me then they wouldn't be punishing the kids. I just can't believe anyone would punish a small child like that...it's their own grandchild for craps sake! Who does that? Either way I guess they've shown their true colors. Now I have to figure out how to explain it to the little ones when they ask why.
Today is Monkey Pants' 6th birthday. We celebrated with her favorite dinner - mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. LOL, weird combo I know, but hey...that's what you get when you offer to make a six year old anything they want to eat! Grandma got her a Pillow Pet and embroidered her name on it for her. BLT picked up a stuffed monkey and a Rapunzel doll - both were quite the hit. She woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn to say, "isn't there something you want to say to me?" Heh, yes she's precocious!
The boss man at work called BLT and I into the office and told us that being such a tiny company they can't afford to give us any kind of holiday bonus in cash, but we did each get a 50.00 gift certificate to our local butcher shop (mmm, and out here that means it's FRESH and usually Organic, like "get that cow out of the field because LoM wants steak tonight!) and we'll be closed from December 23 - January 3rd, but we'll get paid for all the days we are closed! NICE!! We are both very excited... we were just happy to have the time off to spend together, and for BLT to drive home to see his family for a couple days. Getting paid for it wasn't expected at all!
And now to the "bitch" section of this post. Neither of my psychotic X's parents sent Monkey Pants a gift for her birthday. Both asked when they could see her. I told both of them the same thing, that their therapist and I both agree that it's not in their best interest to have anything more than limited contact with family or friends who are actively supporting and/or excusing the X. I gave both parties my mailing address and asked them to mail any gifts or cards to her and I would make sure she got them on her birthday. In true narcissistic fashion they're more worried about their hurt feelings than my poor child, and neither of them ended up mailing her anything. And I made the damn fool mistake of telling Monkey Pants a gift was in the mail from Grandma because we couldn't get together with them right now, so she's been waiting and she was disappointed today. I feel like an ass for assuming they wouldn't punish the child because they are upset with me. What a couple of twat waffles...
So I went to the store and bought an extra gift today. If on Monday there isn't anything in the mail I'll wrap it up and pretend it's from Grandma. At least it will make her feel better, and I'll know not to make promises I'm not sure they'll keep. It's not her fault her grandparents are useless, spineless, self obsessed a-holes. I feel guilty. I feel like if I just sucked it up, and dealt with the anxiety and bit my tongue, or just let them keep abusing me then they wouldn't be punishing the kids. I just can't believe anyone would punish a small child like that...it's their own grandchild for craps sake! Who does that? Either way I guess they've shown their true colors. Now I have to figure out how to explain it to the little ones when they ask why.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
So much good stuff...
I got the house! I sign papers tomorrow and get my keys. Ethel and a few other good friends will help me move this weekend. I'm SO Excited! To celebrate I went and bought us a new welcome mat for the front door. It's blue and has little birds on it... so cute!
BLT was offered the job and he took it. He'll be here in two and half weeks.
I got all light headed when I told him the news today. We're both so excited it's rediculous! He is turning in his two weeks notice in the morning when he goes into work. He has to tie up loose ends, get his stuff packed up and get his very fine tight ass up here to keep me warm at night!
So many amazing, welcome changes happening all at the same time, I can't wait to get movin' on with my happy little life. I am having a house warming party to celebrate!
BLT was offered the job and he took it. He'll be here in two and half weeks.
I got all light headed when I told him the news today. We're both so excited it's rediculous! He is turning in his two weeks notice in the morning when he goes into work. He has to tie up loose ends, get his stuff packed up and get his very fine tight ass up here to keep me warm at night!
So many amazing, welcome changes happening all at the same time, I can't wait to get movin' on with my happy little life. I am having a house warming party to celebrate!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Patience? I aint gots none!
I'm playing the waiting game. All these great things are on the verge of happening for me...I just have to be patient and let them all play out as they will. I'm possibly the most impatient person alive, I know this about myself. It's one of my issues that I struggle with on a regular basis. So I think I'm a little hard to live with these days. I apologize family and friends, I'm honestly not trying to be difficult and weird.
I want what I want, yesterday please!
I'm waiting to get the signed papers from X. I'm waiting to get the papers to sign for my lovely cottage so I can move it. I'm waiting to see when BLT will be able to come up here and be with me. I'm waiting to see if TNT will respond well to her new ADHD meds, and if life will be easier together. I'm waiting for the amazing Farm Chicks Show in June that Ethel and I will be going to.
On the BLT front there's been a recent, exciting development. My family owns a business, and they've asked to see BLT's resume. When he came up last month he went to work with me for the day, and he liked it. He would love to leave the company he's currently working for, and learn a trade skill that will enable him to have a different type of career. Plus we can afford to pay him a little more, he would have weekends off, and well, to be honest, I think he's hoping I'll sexually harass him at work...just a bit! :)
So anyway, he's sending in his resume tomorrow morning to the big boss man (my dad) and he'll make a decision as to whether or not he wants to do a phone interview with BLT or not after he calls his references and checks him out. I'm thinking it's going to work out, they would work well together. Plus we desperately need help, full time strong manly man type help.
SOOOO... waiting, waiting, waiting. And trying not to make everyone around me nuts while I do it. I need to learn to meditate or something. Not sure it would help though. I think being an impatient ass is part of my particular charm! LOL!
I want what I want, yesterday please!
I'm waiting to get the signed papers from X. I'm waiting to get the papers to sign for my lovely cottage so I can move it. I'm waiting to see when BLT will be able to come up here and be with me. I'm waiting to see if TNT will respond well to her new ADHD meds, and if life will be easier together. I'm waiting for the amazing Farm Chicks Show in June that Ethel and I will be going to.
On the BLT front there's been a recent, exciting development. My family owns a business, and they've asked to see BLT's resume. When he came up last month he went to work with me for the day, and he liked it. He would love to leave the company he's currently working for, and learn a trade skill that will enable him to have a different type of career. Plus we can afford to pay him a little more, he would have weekends off, and well, to be honest, I think he's hoping I'll sexually harass him at work...just a bit! :)
So anyway, he's sending in his resume tomorrow morning to the big boss man (my dad) and he'll make a decision as to whether or not he wants to do a phone interview with BLT or not after he calls his references and checks him out. I'm thinking it's going to work out, they would work well together. Plus we desperately need help, full time strong manly man type help.
SOOOO... waiting, waiting, waiting. And trying not to make everyone around me nuts while I do it. I need to learn to meditate or something. Not sure it would help though. I think being an impatient ass is part of my particular charm! LOL!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sleeping, Eatting, and a Workout Routine
I'm sleeping well these days, deeply and without bad dreams. I got my head shrunk a bit and realized that I just had to face a few fears head on, work them all out of my head. I had to allow myself to be okay with being afraid and talk out all the "what if" situations. I'm actually doing a lot better.
Eatting, now there is a something I'm struggling with a lot. I do well during the day: Coffee and Fruit for breakfast, fiber bar for a snack a few hours later, a Slimfast shake and more fruit or raw veggies for lunch. Then evening rolls around. I get home, and I'm hungry... then I exercise and I'm even more hungry. I end up eatting way too many calories and going to bed with a full stomach. BAD BAD BAD I know, but I seem stuck in this rut. I work twelve hour days and come home exhausted...ugh...
I need to get back into a normal workout routine. I was working out every day before the whole "divorce/moving/husband going nuts and trying to kill me/homeless/job change/moving again" thing that has been going on the past six months. We are settled into a house now. I need to get back on the wagon. I've been jogging every now and then... and doing the occasional work out tape. I need to get back to working out daily or at least several times per week. I've gained 12 lbs since July of last year, and it needs to come off... there is a statute of limitations on using "stress" as an excuse.
Eatting, now there is a something I'm struggling with a lot. I do well during the day: Coffee and Fruit for breakfast, fiber bar for a snack a few hours later, a Slimfast shake and more fruit or raw veggies for lunch. Then evening rolls around. I get home, and I'm hungry... then I exercise and I'm even more hungry. I end up eatting way too many calories and going to bed with a full stomach. BAD BAD BAD I know, but I seem stuck in this rut. I work twelve hour days and come home exhausted...ugh...
I need to get back into a normal workout routine. I was working out every day before the whole "divorce/moving/husband going nuts and trying to kill me/homeless/job change/moving again" thing that has been going on the past six months. We are settled into a house now. I need to get back on the wagon. I've been jogging every now and then... and doing the occasional work out tape. I need to get back to working out daily or at least several times per week. I've gained 12 lbs since July of last year, and it needs to come off... there is a statute of limitations on using "stress" as an excuse.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Good News / Bad News
Good and bad news keeps flowing my way. In the ebb and flow of life I can't really say if the tide is in or out...if I'm up or down. I am a little lost in the whirl, and I feel like I'm rowing a tiny boat in a great, big turbulent ocean.
Last week I got good news about the money I need... this week I hear that it will take at least two weeks for the check to "clear" according to the X's lawyers. So they won't send me my money until after the first of next month. I'm sorry...it's more stall tactics, it doesn't take anyone two weeks to get a check to clear in this day and age. It's total bullshit and it makes me very angry that they are still trying to manipulate and/or punish me through financial means.
Good news this week... Soon I'll officially be a DIVORCED WOMAN!! My X's mother finally grew a pair and told her psycho son that she wouldn't pay for this divorce to to go court. None of us can afford it. I sent him a very reasonable offer...he told his mother he refused to sign any offer that included him having monitored visitation... monitored visitation is going to be mandatory due to the fact that HE IS A CONVICTED FELON OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ASSAULT WITH A GUN!! And yes, yes I am yelling.
I'm so fed up with his excuses, his manipulations, his absolute refusal to see the truth in any given situation. The fact that his desire to punish me outweighs his desire to care for his children infuriates me to no end.
Well his lawyers must have made his see that he will have no choice in the matter, or maybe it's just the fact that mommy cut him off financially - finally. I don't care what it is, the fact of the matter is that he counter-offered and I accepted.
The kicker is that his offer was a simple rewording of my offer. He only changed one tiny thing, which I think is perfectly fair. I accepted in a heart-beat and told my lawyer to get the paperwork started immediately.
I'm terrified, absolutely terrified that he'll change his mind and retract the offer, if that's even legal, and I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing. I won't be able to sleep until I know for sure it's a done deal. I want to have my relationship severed from him for good, and I'll be able to feel like I can move on with my life once that's done. I'll really be free.
So good news is I'll be getting the lion's share of the retirement fund in lieu of child support while he's in the pokey. Bad news is that it will take several months for the company to pay that out, and I'll loose 30% in early withdrawal penalties, another 25% in taxes... I'll get less than half of what the amount is. Which sucks ass, but even that 45% can be used to pay off more of my debt, can get some things for the house we really need, can get the kids summer clothes and hopefully have enough left over for school supplies come next fall and a new windshield for my poor car.
It's been a bumpy ride this week, and it didn't help that I worked very long, very busy days and came home too exhausted both emotionally and physically to do any exercising at all.
I think I'll get up in the morning and take a nice jog in the sunshine. I need the release, and the exercise, and the peace and quiet after this roller coaster I've been on!
Last week I got good news about the money I need... this week I hear that it will take at least two weeks for the check to "clear" according to the X's lawyers. So they won't send me my money until after the first of next month. I'm sorry...it's more stall tactics, it doesn't take anyone two weeks to get a check to clear in this day and age. It's total bullshit and it makes me very angry that they are still trying to manipulate and/or punish me through financial means.
Good news this week... Soon I'll officially be a DIVORCED WOMAN!! My X's mother finally grew a pair and told her psycho son that she wouldn't pay for this divorce to to go court. None of us can afford it. I sent him a very reasonable offer...he told his mother he refused to sign any offer that included him having monitored visitation... monitored visitation is going to be mandatory due to the fact that HE IS A CONVICTED FELON OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ASSAULT WITH A GUN!! And yes, yes I am yelling.
I'm so fed up with his excuses, his manipulations, his absolute refusal to see the truth in any given situation. The fact that his desire to punish me outweighs his desire to care for his children infuriates me to no end.
Well his lawyers must have made his see that he will have no choice in the matter, or maybe it's just the fact that mommy cut him off financially - finally. I don't care what it is, the fact of the matter is that he counter-offered and I accepted.
The kicker is that his offer was a simple rewording of my offer. He only changed one tiny thing, which I think is perfectly fair. I accepted in a heart-beat and told my lawyer to get the paperwork started immediately.
I'm terrified, absolutely terrified that he'll change his mind and retract the offer, if that's even legal, and I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing. I won't be able to sleep until I know for sure it's a done deal. I want to have my relationship severed from him for good, and I'll be able to feel like I can move on with my life once that's done. I'll really be free.
So good news is I'll be getting the lion's share of the retirement fund in lieu of child support while he's in the pokey. Bad news is that it will take several months for the company to pay that out, and I'll loose 30% in early withdrawal penalties, another 25% in taxes... I'll get less than half of what the amount is. Which sucks ass, but even that 45% can be used to pay off more of my debt, can get some things for the house we really need, can get the kids summer clothes and hopefully have enough left over for school supplies come next fall and a new windshield for my poor car.
It's been a bumpy ride this week, and it didn't help that I worked very long, very busy days and came home too exhausted both emotionally and physically to do any exercising at all.
I think I'll get up in the morning and take a nice jog in the sunshine. I need the release, and the exercise, and the peace and quiet after this roller coaster I've been on!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Maybe the Tides Have Turned
Today was an amazing day. At work we signed a new Warehouse up in Canada to carry our product. They've agreed to a place an initial order of 26k... yes, as in thousand. That's HUGE for us. HUGE. My father has been working for over two years to get this Warehouse to carry our line. Hallaluja they can continue to pay my salary!!
When I got home after work there was a message on my phone from my lawyer. She received a notice that a nice sized sum of money I've been owed for 6 months has finally been paid out. I should have it by next week at some point. Oh My Freakin' God...thank you, thank you, thank you. I need this money in the very worst way. I have bills to pay and I owe my parents a large sum for helping the girls and I get into our rental.
I have a cracked molar that needs repair, but w/o any insurance there was no way I could afford it until now. My kids all need clothes and new shoes, badly. I need to license my pets so they are legal. Just...well life. I need to finance our life.
Without any child support bills have been piling up. I'm so excited to get a few monkeys off my back. It's such a relief!!
When I got home after work there was a message on my phone from my lawyer. She received a notice that a nice sized sum of money I've been owed for 6 months has finally been paid out. I should have it by next week at some point. Oh My Freakin' God...thank you, thank you, thank you. I need this money in the very worst way. I have bills to pay and I owe my parents a large sum for helping the girls and I get into our rental.
I have a cracked molar that needs repair, but w/o any insurance there was no way I could afford it until now. My kids all need clothes and new shoes, badly. I need to license my pets so they are legal. Just...well life. I need to finance our life.
Without any child support bills have been piling up. I'm so excited to get a few monkeys off my back. It's such a relief!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I feel stuck
I feel like my life is on hold, which is crazy - because in reality it's moving full speed ahead whether I'm ready for it or not.
My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.
But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.
When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.
There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.
Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.
And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.
My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.
But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.
When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.
There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.
Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.
And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Things to be thankful for
I'm going to try and be more aware of the simple gifts in my life. I'm going to make an effort to recognize the blessings. I think I'll get a small notebook and keep it in my purse, that way when I notice something, or I become aware of something that makes me happy or brings a smile to my face I can write it down right away.
I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.
The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!
When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.
I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.
The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!
When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Busy Hands
We are insanely busy at work, which is amazing, WONDERFUL really. I work for my family business, and a small family business is either feast or famine. Right now there is no money coming in, but we are frantically filling orders faster than we can process them. I can't hardly make enough product to fill each days orders before UPS gets there to ship it all out.
So that means that in 30 days we will start seeing checks, nice big, fat juicy checks! This is a great thing!
But I'm on my 11th straight day of work. Some of my days are more manual labor than anything else. I'm hauling material around, packing, shipping, wrapping, using the industrial presses to cut materials, building the fire up...shoot, on Monday I built a fence to keep our shop mascots from running off. Whatever needs to be done, I do it.
In a small business we all wear a lot of hats. We are all order takers, janitorial crew, maintenance, shipping/packing, and general shop "monkey" as the need arises. You have to be flexible, and you have to realize that no job is beneath any of us. When it needs to be done you deal with it, without being asked, and without complaining. That's the nature of the beast.
That being said, I have so much personal freedom in this job. I make my schedule pretty much. I drop my kids off at school, go to work, pick them up when school is over and they come to work with me for the evening to finish up my shift. The days are long, well over 8 hours - but if I need a day off to deal with sick kids, or a field trip at the kid's school I have the ability to do that. No questions asked. As a single mom I can't trade that for the world.
So I'm busy... busier than I ever thought I would be. Doing this mommy gig alone is amazingly tough some days, and I'm sure I'm not excelling. We are all struggling and adjusting. But I'm doing the very best I can. I'm kicking ass at work, and I'm still finding time to cook meals, help with homework, and keep my house fairly clean. It's amazing. It helps that I don't sleep much, lol.
Being busy also has another side benefit, I don't have time to stew. No time to worry about bills, or what will happen between the BLT and I, or when I'll be able to fix that crack in my windshield, or whether or not the X will violate his restraining order and try to find me when he gets out. When I'm busy at work I can just let that all go and focus on the job at hand.
I am learning to appreciate this aspect of my life a lot. I didn't know if I could do this job. But I'm learning so much, and I'm enjoying it. I'm really very thankful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it!
So that means that in 30 days we will start seeing checks, nice big, fat juicy checks! This is a great thing!
But I'm on my 11th straight day of work. Some of my days are more manual labor than anything else. I'm hauling material around, packing, shipping, wrapping, using the industrial presses to cut materials, building the fire up...shoot, on Monday I built a fence to keep our shop mascots from running off. Whatever needs to be done, I do it.
In a small business we all wear a lot of hats. We are all order takers, janitorial crew, maintenance, shipping/packing, and general shop "monkey" as the need arises. You have to be flexible, and you have to realize that no job is beneath any of us. When it needs to be done you deal with it, without being asked, and without complaining. That's the nature of the beast.
That being said, I have so much personal freedom in this job. I make my schedule pretty much. I drop my kids off at school, go to work, pick them up when school is over and they come to work with me for the evening to finish up my shift. The days are long, well over 8 hours - but if I need a day off to deal with sick kids, or a field trip at the kid's school I have the ability to do that. No questions asked. As a single mom I can't trade that for the world.
So I'm busy... busier than I ever thought I would be. Doing this mommy gig alone is amazingly tough some days, and I'm sure I'm not excelling. We are all struggling and adjusting. But I'm doing the very best I can. I'm kicking ass at work, and I'm still finding time to cook meals, help with homework, and keep my house fairly clean. It's amazing. It helps that I don't sleep much, lol.
Being busy also has another side benefit, I don't have time to stew. No time to worry about bills, or what will happen between the BLT and I, or when I'll be able to fix that crack in my windshield, or whether or not the X will violate his restraining order and try to find me when he gets out. When I'm busy at work I can just let that all go and focus on the job at hand.
I am learning to appreciate this aspect of my life a lot. I didn't know if I could do this job. But I'm learning so much, and I'm enjoying it. I'm really very thankful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
And the crazy keeps on coming...
My neighbor is insane. A crazy boy child in a hairy man's body. Whenever he feels we are being too loud he resorts to pounding on the walls and stomping loudly up and down the hallway. Nuts-0 huh?
He also likes to wash and dry what sounds like landscape pavers after 11 pm at night. The same man that will curse at me and my children for watching TV at 9:3o pm on a Saturday night sees nothing wrong with doing laundry in the wee hours of the morning or singing to the Eagles at the top of his lungs. Now I have nothing against the Eagles... but really... at midnight?
We share a wall, I live in a duplex, there is going to be some cross over noise, I get that. I've never called the landlord and complained when Hillbilly Deluxe and his lady friend with tres' chic mullet start screaming at each other, or when they wash their little midnight load of rocks and gym socks, or when they park in my spot in front of my house. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let his rock-a-billy girlfiend (and I use the term "girl" lightly here...she's about fiftey years old) call my kids, "little f-ing brats" and scream at me.
We had another run in recently. I was taking my holiday decorations to the garage last night, and she's there, doing god knows what and she says, "what are you doing NOW?" in this pissy tone. I just smiled and told her I was looking for the kids drum and trumpets"
Maybe that'll give her something to worry about for a day or two.
He also likes to wash and dry what sounds like landscape pavers after 11 pm at night. The same man that will curse at me and my children for watching TV at 9:3o pm on a Saturday night sees nothing wrong with doing laundry in the wee hours of the morning or singing to the Eagles at the top of his lungs. Now I have nothing against the Eagles... but really... at midnight?
We share a wall, I live in a duplex, there is going to be some cross over noise, I get that. I've never called the landlord and complained when Hillbilly Deluxe and his lady friend with tres' chic mullet start screaming at each other, or when they wash their little midnight load of rocks and gym socks, or when they park in my spot in front of my house. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let his rock-a-billy girlfiend (and I use the term "girl" lightly here...she's about fiftey years old) call my kids, "little f-ing brats" and scream at me.
We had another run in recently. I was taking my holiday decorations to the garage last night, and she's there, doing god knows what and she says, "what are you doing NOW?" in this pissy tone. I just smiled and told her I was looking for the kids drum and trumpets"
Maybe that'll give her something to worry about for a day or two.
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