It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I feel stuck

I feel like my life is on hold, which is crazy - because in reality it's moving full speed ahead whether I'm ready for it or not.

My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.

But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.

When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.

There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.

Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.

And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.


  1. Okay so here is the thing. The divorce is a piece of paper and a judgment by a judge. That's it.

    So what you're feeling, yes, it's normal. But what you can do about it is to stop being so hard on yourself sweets. You can have anything, and I do mean ANYTHING you want. If you let yourself.


  2. I agree with qtmama - the divorce decree is a piece of paper. Is everything else resolved with your ex - parenting agreement? division of assets?

    The absence of the divorce decree will stop you from getting married but it's only stopping you from enjoying BLT because you're letting it.

    Is there a way your divorce could be final by default, by non-response?


  3. QT is right, you know. A divorce is a piece of paper just like a marriage is a piece of paper, too. It's the emotions involved that make it official.

    I know what you're talking about, though. I'm still officially married, too (although hopefully not for long - waiting on him to sign papers as well) and part of me does feel guilty about that. I'm really looking forward to the day when I'm a completely "free woman"!

    Hang in there, sweetie. Sometimes there are things that are beyond our control. Letting go of those things is tough, but oh so therapeutic...

  4. Thanks guys, it does help that I'm not alone.

    He's in jail for trying to kill me. He is fighting everything from financial issues to parenting. He will only get limited contact with the kids and he disagrees with that.

    It will all play out in court eventually. He's just trying to continue to control me through any means possible, and I know that, it's just so frustrating.