Some times I don't know what to say to BLT. He takes my breath away with this absolute acceptance of me. I've never felt that from anyone except my best friend. In so many ways the BLT is similar to Ethel. They think somewhat alike, they feel deeply and express themselves well, they push me out of my comfort zone and they call "bullshit" when I'm full of it - keeping me honest with myself when I really just want to hide from life.
I feel like he's the first man who's ever seen all of me. The good, bad, crazy, and even the boring little bits I try to keep hidden. He sees them, and he relishes in the good, accepts the bad, laughs at the crazy, and embraces the boring little weird things that make me unique.
He has this amazing knack for saying exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. And not in some fake, cheesy, I'm just hoping to get into your panties type of way. Because let's be honest, he doesn't even have to work at that. One look, one kiss, one finger running across my collar bone and I'm jello. No, it's more like he can see inside my head and he knows what I need at any given moment. I'll be thinking about him, or worrying about something and he'll call at that exact moment when I really need to hear his voice. Maybe it's simply that I always need to hear his voice, at least more so lately than ever before.
He'll be here in 16 days, and I'm nervous. He wants to meet my parents - which is only fair I've met his parents several times now. He wants to meet my kids. Also only fair, since we've spent time with his child. He wants to be introduced to that part of my life and it scares the hell out of me. What if the circus I call my life is too much for him? What if this is all more than he bargained for, what if he runs? What if I'm not worth it?
I expressed these fears to him...well an abridged version... last night. After listening patiently, he said; "For the record, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in my entire life. If I can't make it with you doll then I'm not going to keep looking, because I love you and you are the very best thing that's ever come into my life. I have faith that we will work this out. This is our plan right? You and me."
And I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that this was OUR plan. Not my plan, not my hope. I needed to hear that he has faith we can work this out and find a way to be living in the same state so we can make an honest go of this relationship. He told me that he's thankful for me... thankful. It's an amazing thing to hear.
There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish that I could just open up and have all the things I'm feeling come out the way I mean them and not the mumbled, garbled mess that usually spews forth when I try and tell him how I feel.
I'm so afraid that my crazy schedule, my kids, my messy financial situation, the fact that I live way out in the boonies, my insane family... all of it. Well I'm afraid it'll be too much for him. I didn't want to fall in love with him, God help me I didn't, and I'm scared to think about what will happen if he walks away. How do I pick myself up from that one, especially on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this past year? Like a fool I gave him my heart, in ways I never have before.
All I can do is hold onto the fact that he has faith in us, in a possible future for us. I have to hold onto the fact that he's well aware that I'm a package deal and he hasn't run yet. Faith is hard for me right now. I'm trying, but it's scary and hard, and sometimes it's just not there.