There are certain areas of my life where I am, admitedly, a wee bit of a control freak. And by wee bit I mean huge (of course).
I think it's because I have a total lack of control in several areas of my life. I can't control when the X is released from prison. I can't control my financial situation, and the struggles I'm having due to the divorce. I can't control if the X is going to violate my Restraining Order and try to hurt me. I can't control the distance between the BLT and I, and I can't even really control whether my relationship with the BLT will last. I can't control that all my kids have to share one small bedroom or that they don't love where we live.
What I can control is the order of my closets, the tidyness of my pantry. I can alphabetize my dvd's, I can pay my bills on time (those I can afford to pay!) I can fold my towels into precise thirds and make three very even stacks. I can make my bed each morning and clean my room each evening so that when come home at night I have a peacefull oasis to retreat into. I can control those small areas of my life, and by doing so I feel calmer, safer, less frantic.
So for now, while I'm doing this whole mom thing alone, while I'm struggling in all these other areas of my life, I'm going to hold onto whatever shred of self control, financial control and environmental control I have.
It might seem silly...but it really does make me feel better.