Adapting, Changing, Growing, Learning

It's crazy how many times I've logged into the the ol' blog here and started to put all my thoughts into words, only to have it all fizzle out.  I start out with a bang and slowly it gets convoluted and mixed up, and turns into nothing but a ramble of jubbled gobbly-goo with no message - no clear progression of thought.  And so I hit the delete key and say, "I'll try another day. " Only the next time I put fingers to keys it still doesn't produce that witty blog post I've been hoping for.

Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's that I've lost the zest for railing about the ills of my former marriage and the trials of single parenting - especially since I'm not "single" anymore in any sense of the word.  For the first time in my adult life I have a partner - and I feel totally fullfilled in that relationship.  Not too many people want to hear about your bliss.  Anger, frustration, and drunken mishaps are ever so much more amusing! :)

I don't have any funny quips about dating to share - no inside tips on couponing, tutorials on making your own homemade deodorant from baking soda and evergreen needles or home decor ideas (lets be honest, picking the socks and barbie shoes off the stairs is my method of decorating!) so I'm not sure if I have anything of any real value to write about these days.

What does one share when things are going right?  If anyone cares my wedding is in 39 days... yep...  April 28th BLT and I are tieing the ol Knot at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast location in the mountains.  I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am at the same time.  Wedding plans are progressing nicely.  Invites were mailed and RSPV's are arriving.  We even received a wedding gift in the mail - I was so surprised I squeeled! The dress is being altered as we speak, and a suit ordered for BLT.  Flower girl dresses were sewn by my mom and I.  I built a cup cake tower. We wrote our own vows.  I picked out vintage gifts for my future in laws and sisters.  And I planned a surprise bachelor party for BLT back home with his best dude friends - he has no idea! It'll be GREAT!

How about legalities? The GAL was finally appointed and finished up her report just last week.  As expected she recommends that my Ex go through a significant amount of therapy - alone and with the children later - before he's allowed any access.  So full custody and all decision making for the children stay with me.  WHEWWWW...  I assumed that would be the case, but damn it's great to see it in writing. Now we just have to go to court for the final parenting plan to be written.  Easier said than done since the X is still full on crazy as the Mad Hatter and won't agree to anything.  So the fight goes on.... and lets be honest, I fully anticipate that the fight with him will go on until my last daughter turns 18.  So a bit over ten years of dealing with his rediculous accusations, and being hauled into court on his whim. I'm still trying to navigate a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of the kids.  It's hard, and sometimes it hurts so bad my heart breaks in a way I could never have anticipated.  I wanted to divorce the man - not the entire family system I had grown to know and love over the years.  Some days I cry a lot.  Some days I can be pragmatic and understand that everything changes and all I can do is adapt.

I guess that's the theme of this post... adapting.  The blog, like me, is having growing pains.  All around me life is changing.  I'm getting married, my kids are growing up, my X isn't growing up.  I'm navigating a new relationship with former family members.  Our company is growing and work is busier than ever (thank God!) All around me there are opportunities to either accept this new life and change, or to desperately cling to what is known and comfortable.  I'm choosing to adapt.