There had been this odd sort of emotional distance between BLT and I the past week. There's has also been distance with the girls since Easter Sunday, both with me, and with each other. It's been tense in the L.O.M household.
BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.
BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.
I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.
We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.
I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".
Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.
The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.
For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.