While reading my favorite blogs today I came across this post by T: The Quest for T: Reconciliation Day
It really got me thinking about the players in the little soap opera that has become my life. So many people have been effected. So many lives changed forever. There are several people I'm going to have to forgive, and come to terms with their decisions - starting with myself.
So here it is... I forgive myself. I accept that I made mistakes, that I wasn't honest - with myself or others. I take responsibility for getting involved with another man before my marriage was over. I admit that I knew my marriage was over years before I was brave enough to do something about it. I accept the disappointment I see in my parents' eyes and I forgive myself.
Now, the forgiveness of others is going to take some time. In no particular order I will work on forgiving:
My Former Mother In Law: For paying for his divorce lawyer. For paying for the X's defense lawyer. For being manipulative and emotionally needy. For putting her son before her grandchildren. For discussing the personal aspects of my divorce and my sexuality with other people. For invading my privacy.
My Former Father In Law: For being a rampant gossip, and for trying to share intimate details of my life with my parents of all people. For telling me that I needed to invest in a Nun Habit and a vibrator because no man will ever want me once he finds out I'm a single mom with four kids.
Good Time Friends: For disappearing when the going got tough. For saying they cared and wouldn't pick sides, and in lieu of taking sides they just drifted off onto the ether.
Convenient Christians: For pretending to care about my kids. For telling me that my marriage could be fixed if I prayed hard enough...and then once they heard about the gun "incident" having the balls to tell me to pray for the X's soul. Both the good time friends and convenient Christians who were nowhere to be found when my kids and I found ourselves essentially homeless.
The Land Lady: For being cold hearted and kicking us out when she knew what happened and that I couldn't pay the rent without child support. She gave me two weeks to move all my stuff out, and then kept the entire damage deposit even though I had only lived there 30 days.
Last, but most certainly not least...
X: For being a useless father, a crappy lover, a selfish and lazy husband. For tell all our personal business to anyone who would listen, friends, coworkers, neighbors, the Schwan's guy for craps sake. For cyber stalking, being a liar and a general nutcase. For being a control freak. For bringing a gun to my house, pointing it at my head and saying four horrifying words, "This Won't Take Long" For calling me a whore in front of our daughters. For telling our two impressionable pre-teens exactly how they should go about killing themselves if he didn't come home.
All of these people I think I can forgive with time.... with the exception of the X. I'm not sure his sins are forgivable. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to forgive him. The anger keeps me motivated, it keeps me focused, it gives me an outlet for my anger. I'm not ready to give that up yet... I'm not sure if I can.