It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Cutting Ties

When do you say enough is enough and sever ties with members of your X's family? I don't want to do this, but it may become necessary for the emotional well being of my children.

My X's mother is an enabler to say the least. He's the way he is because, in part, of the way she lives and breaths to do for him. Cooking and cleaning and being a virtual slave to him as a child.... and as an adult she would still buy his clothes, pay his bills, and excuse his bad behavior. She never has, and never will, expect him to take responsibility for his actions.

I've given her fair warning that I do not want her discussing the children's' father with them. Do not tell them what it's like for him in prison. Do not discuss his struggles, or anything else that will hurt or confuse them. They are so shell shocked from all of this. At least two of them miss him - Lady Bug especially. They are scared for him. Not a single day goes by that they don't think about where he his, his actions that got him there...not a single day. I would bet my life on it.

Today, Easter Sunday of all days, she tells the children that their father called and was crying because he misses them so much. That he's scared and sad, etc. etc. They do not need to hear that. They are confused, feeling anger and then guilt at the same time.

Lady bug retreated to the back of the house, hid away, refused to eat, refused to interact and was in a very blue mood after that. I can't have them upsetting her like that. It's not fair. It's not kind, and it's very avoidable.

It's not like we can pretend it didn't happen... but we don't have to remind them. We can focus on the positive. We can avoid hurting them, by avoiding the topic whenever possible. I don't want this to be the focus of their lives for the next year. Let's discuss school, friends, hobbies, movies they've seen, the books they are reading, plans for summer vacation, favorite foods... ANYTHING but their father in prison.

I gave my former Father in Law a final warning. I will not allow them to put my children through this again. I'm willing to give second chances - but at some point I'll have to say that it is in my children's best interest not to spend time with their paternal grandparents.

I don't want to do that. They love their grandma and poppa very deeply - and they've lost so much. Home, school, friends, stability, father, full time stay at home mother, belongings and material possessions. I don't want to start taking away their extended family. But I truly believe it's my job as their mother to protect them.

I'm really torn on this one. There is only so much forgiveness I can dish out.


  1. Have you ever thought about discussing it with them? Allowing them to feel what they feel about it? Yes, I agree that it doesn't have to be rubbed in their faces all of the time but they shouldn't have to avoid the topic altogether. This is very real to them. It makes them feel so much sadness. You can't avoid that. They can't hide it away or it will come out later. Maybe they need to talk to a grief counselor about it. I'm not sure complete avoidance is a good idea.

    Just my .02.

  2. The girls and I talk about it, and we're pretty matter of fact, and the kids have spoken to the couselors at their schools.

    I don't mind them discussing it, what I mind is the whole "your poor suffering daddy" business.

    He did this, he got himself where he is. The kids don't need to hear all the terrible details. I don't want to pretend it doesn't exist, I just don't want the discussions to be tramatic, if that makes sense.

    I agree with you T, complete avoidance of something this significant in their lives isn't a healthy option.

  3. I so wish I had some great advice here, but I suck and do not. I think T made an excellent point (per the norm) however. I hope it comes to a resolution you are happy with. HUGS