I've made a big decision.

I'm going to call my former in laws and tell them about BLT. I've been putting it off for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's none of their business. My private life should be none of their concern. Also I know that everything gets passed onto my X in prison. Will he start trying to make my life difficult? More lawyers? False claims filed with social services about abuse or neglect? His mother and step-father punishing my children emotionally? There are a lot of possibly unpleasant outcomes.

However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.

The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.

I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.

Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.

Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.

The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.

Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.

I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."

The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!

So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.

Wish me luck!

Being content with what is...

I would not describe myself as malcontent, but I will be honest and say that I need to practice being content with the life I have built. I need to focus on the positives and stop using phrases like, "except for" and "other than" when I'm describing my life.

I tend to focus on the negative, to get wrapped up in the minutia of day to day life and loose sight of all the fun, amazing, and beautiful things around me. While my blessings are many - so are my stresses, and frequently those things that stress me out seem to over shadow the good things. I don't know why I'm like this. I want to be a positive, happy, self actualized and fulfilled person, and I know that it starts with being aware of all the blessings in my life.

So in no particular order, here are the things that are currently making me happy:

I was able to pay all my bills this month and have a little left over for the savings account.
I have a man who loves me, and some day I might just be brave enough to marry him. If I'm not brave enough, then we'll have a hell of a time living in sin!
I have a great job with tons of personal freedom.
I have a beautiful home to live in. I might even be able to purchase this home in the future if I do things just right.
I have four happy, healthy, headstrong children.
I haven't lost a lick of weight, and even though I'm struggling my man tells me every single day that I'm beautiful and sexy and desirable.
I have true friends who accept me just as I am.
I have six months before the X is out of jail.

One of the things that causes me the most stress are my former in-laws. I'm going to have to draw a line in the sand and stand firm. I let them walk all over me, say things that upset me, and pressure me with money/withholding money for my children. I need to just learn to be firmer with them and stand up for myself. I need to remember those blessings I listed above and keep my in-laws at arms length.

I think that alone will go a long way to helping me feel more content and less stressed out on a daily basis.

What's New Pussycat?

Hello bloggidy friends! I've been away a little while. Lots of fun and not so fun stuff going on in my world.

First...KIDNEY STONES ARE THE SUCK... and yes, I'm yelling! Since Saturday evening I've been suffering with what I'm thinking are kidney stones. I've looked it up online and all the symptoms match, and today I'm finally feeling a bit better (but peeing out gravel is NOT even remotely comfortable.) but even feeling better leaves me weak, shaky, and feeling like I've been sucker punched in the back.

I spent the weekend with Ethel at the Farm Chicks show in Spokane. It was amazing!! I picked up a vintage mirror, an old desk fan, a tiny Baby Ben clock, some hankies, a train case for TNT, a quilted bed spread for Monkey Pants, a mirrored vanity tray for Chef, and a necklace made from an old scrabble tile for Lady Bug. I also found a giant wooden letter from my name in chippy white paint that I love ever so much! Add to that a few other odds and ends and it was a very successful thrifting expedition! Too bad it ended with me thinking I was going to die on the way home Sunday!

Well I got my divorce papers in the mail. While reading over them my parents noticed the part X wrote in about wanting the washer and dryer back. My parents were outraged, and they decided to help me get a new washer and dryer right away. This will avoid him being able to try and use this against me, to cause trouble, or god forbid if they broke while in my "custody" he could try and sue me for a new set. So it's done. I called his family and let them know a friend was headed their way with his stupid washer and dryer and it was their problem to store it for the next nine months until Capt. Crazypants gets out of jail. I mean really... they were willing to pay for the divorce lawyer who wanted to screw me over, I think they can pay for the storage unit to put his appliances in. Seems fair to me! My new set is AMAZING, and it's sooo quiet. In the end I'm happier and it's one less thing he has to try and manipulate me with later. He can't claim I didn't follow the letter of the law and return them, in working order, in a timely fashion.... screw him. He can have the dumb things.

Speaking of my parents, they decided that the kids and I deserved a little weekend away someplace fun, and they got us a very generous gift certificate for a weekend away at a local lodge and water park. It is someplace the kids have always wanted to go, so we are really looking forward to the adventure once school is out.

So life moves forward... BLT and I are great. I am thrilled to wake up to him each morning. I don't know what I would have done w/o him here the past couple of days. He's fixed the kids dinner, taken care of the yard work and helped out putting the little kids' beds together for me. He's been a real trooper through it all. I love him just a little more each day when I see his kindness to my kids, or his sense of humor with my parents, or his amazing work ethic.

The kids are ready for summer vacation. I'm ready for some sun finally. We are happy, we are all healthy, and we are looking forward to having some new adventures this year!

In the Beginning...

Friday was the "day". He arrived several hours before expected and there I was in the kitchen, barefoot, sweaty, my hair a mess, makeup sort of smeared...by far not the fairy tale version I had in my head of what my appearance would be like when he pulled up to the door.

He walks right into the house, and without saying a word pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly to him for several wonderful minutes. I whisper, " Welcome home" and he kisses me on the forehead.

The kids all rush around him, the little two hugging his legs, the older two offering help to unload the truck. We tell them we need a few minutes before he's ready to tackle that job. He's been in the car 11 hours straight, he's hot. He's tired, and a little frayed around the edges too... but he's glad to be here. I can feel it pouring out of him. Gratitude and affection and excitement all at the same time.

While the kids rush off to do their own thing I give him the grand tour of his new house. Once we get to our room it's hurried kisses and a more proper welcome home. Dear God it's been six long weeks and it's a blessing my children were all off with friends or playing video games downstairs. As is the norm for us we pulled our clothes of frantically and fell into bed. The first time we're together after an extended separation is always amazing. Heat, and passion, and intensity that just can't be described accurately.

When we're done with our heated "quickie" we hold each other and say all the things we've been waiting to say until we could say them face to face. He's glad to be here, I'm so nervous the house isn't perfect, don't worry Doll as long as you're here everything IS perfect, I love you.... a hundred little things, a few big things, a lot of just being happy to be together.

The past few days have rushed by. We are all feeling each other out. The kids are learning to knock on our door before they rush in (thankfully we've been really good about keeping it locked for our privacy) and we are all getting used to having a whole new person in the house.

We had a long talk last night while we were headed to a party. We both know that there will be rough patches ahead of us with the kids. We know that there will be times we don't agree, that we may say something hurtful on accident, and that there is going to be some adjusting necessary on all our part. It's a part of merging your life with someone else's...especially once there are children involved.

This is just the beginning for us, and we are all going to be just fine... we're going to be great. I have such a good feeling about having him here, and I have faith in all of us.