I recently got into contact with an old friend from High School. L.L is fantastic, and she's the only person I know with more kids than myself, LOL! She's also divorced, and has met someone new and moved on with her life in a grand fashion. She gives me hope that it possible to make a loving, happy life with someone new after divorce. L.L. also went through something traumatic - the death of a child, and she's been able to move on with her life.
L.L. is having her third daughter tomorrow. I'm pretty freaking excited about this, and I'm dying to get my hands on that baby! I'm really having a bad case of Baby Fever lately. Its like when you buy a certain car, and everywhere you look you see the same car. Every time I turn around there is a baby of some kind. Kittens, puppies, babies oh my!
It doesn't help any that I'm crazy in love at the moment. It doesn't help that my kids are all in school now and I don't have any babies or toddlers to focus on. It doesn't help that I'm turning 36 soon and I feel my biological clock ticking away. It doesn't help that I really loved being pregnant, and nursing... I just loved sitting with my babies, nursing them, rocking them, rubbing their soft heads and feeling their tiny hands wrap around my pinkie finger. I loved feeling my babies move inside me. I loved the first giggle, the first tooth, the first words.
I know logically I can't have another baby. I'm struggling right now to give my four kids everything they need emotionally and financially. I'm in love, but not married - and I don't plan on changing that any time soon. I have a psychotic ex husband who may very likely attempt to kill me again if he can find me and/or get me alone. I'm getting too old to have a baby without greatly increasing my chances of having a child with Down Syndrome. I don't have the time or money to care for another baby.
So why doesn't my heart want to listen to my head? Why is it that I see a newborn in a stroller and I get a hitch in my breath and a crazy urge to scoop up that baby and breath in that special newborn scent? Why is it that I have vivid dreams of nursing my babies, and childbirth? Why is it that I can picture in my head what BLT and my wee one would look like?
Maybe this is just some crazy hormonal surge and it'll pass. I hope so...