It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Monday, September 27, 2010

A Letter from the Convict...

My oldest child received a letter today from the X. While he is in prison he is only allowed to communicate with them via letter, and there are rules he's supposed to follow. First I want to say that perhaps there is nothing at all wrong with this letter... I understand that I'm not a good judge in this situation. EVERYTHING related to my X feels like a threat. I see danger in every word, and every action.

That being said, I feel there is a blatant threat being made, directed at me. He knows that every letter he writes to the children is first read by me and edited in case I object to the content. There is no way the words he wrote weren't meant for my eyes.

And so here it is... Let me know if you think I'm crazy. For privacy I'm removing any names.

Dear Chef,
I can't even tell you how much I wish I could be there for your birthday. I wish I could call you and tell you how much I love you and your sisters and how I think about you all every day. Even your mom is still on my mind every hour of every day. I haven't given up Chef, I promise you that. One day soon I'll be able to hug you again and everything else that was taken away from me.

The letter goes on to describe what he asked for on his 13th birthday and goes on to promise that whatever Chef doesn't get for Christmas or Birthday he will "find a way to get them for you when I get out". So damn typical, him trying to buy affection with expensive gifts, but I digress. Back to the letter.

He then tells Chef that there are photos of the kids on his wall (wonderful... all the lovely felons can stare at my four young children, this makes me feel just dandy) and that "You and your sisters should never have had to suffer because of the decisions your mom and I made."

HUH?? He decided we were getting divorced. Then he decided to start stalking me, hack into my computer and read all my private email, have me followed, break into my cell phone account to monitor my calls and texts, and finally to bring a gun to my house and cause me physical harm. I'm pretty sure the more accurate sentence is, "You and your sisters should never have had to suffer because the decisions I made" but again... he's still sitting his crazy ass in jail not taking responsibility for what he's done.

I'm sorry, but the LAST thing I want is for him to be thinking of me every hour of every day... can we say Obsession? Unhealthy Fixation? Scary Stalker Behavior? And then the line about him promising Chef he hasn't given up. On what? Getting me back? Getting back AT me? Finishing what he set out to do and kill me then kill himself? What is he promising exactly, when he knows I'm reading these letters?

It concerns me when he uses phrases like, "and everything else that was taken away from me" It's no ones fault but his own that he lost his job, his family, and his freedom. Yet even now, a year after going to jail he still puts the blame on everyone else.

This letter scares me. I swear one day he'll try to kill me again. If I suddenly go missing at any time after March 11, 2011 then you all know what happened to me. He didn't give up, and he finally got what he wants.

So tell me friends, am I over reacting? Is my fear getting the better of my common sense? Once before I didn't listen to that nagging voice in the back of my head that said, "protect yourself, this is getting out of control" I let him bully me. I let someone I didn't know convince me that getting a restraining order would make things worse. I didn't follow my gut, or listen to the advice of friends and family and he proved himself to be both crazy and dangerous.

I don't trust myself anymore. I don't know what is a reasonable amount of caution versus hysterical fear, because honestly thinking about him at all makes me slightly hysterical. All I know is that after reading this letter tonight I'm feeling very vulnerable and I don't like it one bit.


  1. Ugh. I'm biased. I think it is important to go with your instincts. I'm a broken record "he lost his right to benefit of the doubt"

    Hindsight has kept me up way to many times to count. There were, of course, so many things we could've maybe done differently. Keep in mind though that you did what you thought was best at the time. All you can do is use what you've learned to watch out for yourself and your kids in the future. None of us can change the past.

    You are taking healthy precautions for safety, and you are seeking assistance in dealing with the fear and anxiety. Keep a copy, bring it to the attention of your lawyer and counselor. Keep working through this in any way that helps.

    Love ya,

  2. I would be concerned. Don't give up on pursuing that restraining order or extension of the existing order. Do what ever you need to do to feel safe. I have to believe you'd be better off erring on the side of being too safe.

  3. Dang girl. It's difficult to be unbiased based on what we've heard here.


    I still think you should do whatever you have to do to keep him far away. And still seek some help for you, too.

    What does BLT think of all of this?


  4. BLT is out of town on a business trip, and since there is nothing he can do to "fix" it or to help I'm not going to burden him with all of this until he returns on Thursday night.

    Plus he's made it very clear that as far as he's concerned the X is crazy and dangerous and if he comes around me at all then he'll be lucky if the cops get there to arrest him before BLT gets his hands on him. He's more than a little protective of me and the girls where my X is concerned and he'll agree that it's a threat.

    *sigh* this just doesn't ever get any easier it seems.

  5. Sending you love and strength, as always.

  6. Holy crap! That would freak me out as well! While my ex wasn't as bad as yours sounds he still did this ALL the time with the kids - this subtle manipulation! Most upsetting!!!!