Raising Teenagers

Raising teens, and tweens is such a joy...  and yes, I'm being sarcastic.

My oldest is just being a pain in the ass.  The conversation we had tonight was long, and loud.  I ended up taking her cell phone away.  While I'm holding it a text comes through from a friend.  Not really thinking about it I look down...

BOOM baby, just a whole lotta ugliness unleashed about what a horrible mom I am. How much she hates BLT and I, and how we have no right to tell her what to do, and all I should be worried about is that she gets straight A's so I should just butt out of her life.  Lovely...

After a while I went back down to her room. I told her:  "I love you, unconditionally. But I will not be abused.  I will not let you talk to me like this, or treat me like garbage. I did not have children so that I could be your slave.  I have expectations of you that you WILL meet.  You WILL change your attitude, and you will treat everyone in household with respect.  Otherwise I will drive you to school, pick you up in the afternoon and you will have absolutely no life other than school, chores, and homework.  You WILL participate in this family, and you WILL be a good role model for the younger kids. If you ever talk to me like that again you'll be grounded so long that you'll have grey hair before you see your friends again."

I told her that I'm it.  I'm the only parent she has.  I'm the one that works to feed her.  I'm the one that supports her. I'm the one that loves her unconditionally.  I'm the one who wants what's best for her.  I'm the one who sacrifices for her....  out there, in the real world, nobody gives a rats ass about your issues.  They want to know what you can do for THEM, not the other way around.  I told her that there is a statute of limitations on teenage moodiness and she's just about reached it.  After that people stop overlooking your bad behavior as an indicator of teenage angst, and then you know what you are?  You're just a bitch... and you don't want to be that kind of girl.  You don't really want to be an eye rolling, dismissive, rude, judgemental, pain in every one's ass... because that's not who you really are. 

Her answer was that she doesn't try to be rude.  My answer?  Well you sure as heck aren't trying NOT to be rude now are you... so how about we go at this from another angle.  For the foreseeable future you try NOT to be rude and we'll see how that works.

God help me...  I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated. I'm at my wits end.  I just want to understand what's going on with that kid.

What is a "good father"?

I've been thinking about this a lot.  One of the things that keeps coming up over and over in the book I discussed in my previous post is that women will often stay with a man who is unkind, and even down right abusive, if he is also a "good father" to their children.  Basically - treating me like crap is fine, as long as you don't beat the kids.

But the weird thing is that if you think about it a man can't be both.  He can't be an abuser and a good father.  How we live, how we treat those around us teaches our children more than the words we say.  How can you tell if a man is going to be a good father? Had I known the answer to this question 15 Years ago I could have saved the five of us so much pain and suffering.

On the outside my X probubly did look like a good father. He was a good provider, bringing home a nice big pay check which allowed me to stay home with the kids. We were fed, well dressed, the kids were involved in tons of activities (none of which he bothered to attend) and were generally in good spirits.  The thing is - behind closed doors he was rude, abrasive, demanding, demeaning, and generally uninvolved. He did not make requests - he made demands.

Had I known what kind of father he would be I would have made different choices - at least I would like to think that I would have... the truth is I had four children with a man who was uninvolved from day one.  That's a choice I'll have to live with.

If I could make a laundry list of "good dad" traits I would have to start with:

Patience
Kindness
An interest in knowing who my children are as people
A good sense of humor
Hardworking
Involved
Playful
Loving
Supportive

Is that asking too much? Is that unrealistic?

I know there are men out there like that.  My father is one of them.  He doesn't say much, but he tells me he loves me.  He shows me in a million different ways.  He can be hard-headed, but he's fair.  He's hardworking and he's honest. 

I'm hoping that one day my children can say that they've had that kind of father figure in their life as well.  Things with BLT are still new - and while he has all of those qualities, I'm not foolish enough to assume that we'll be together forever. I'm not sure "forever" exists, I want to believe it can - I just don't know for sure.

The things we'll do for our children...

I prepped the kids for at least two weeks before we went to see Santa on Friday night.  I thought I knew what they would ask the big guy to bring them.  See - I made the mistake of setting it up so that each year the kids asked Santa for the one thing they wanted most, and I made sure they got it.  In the past it's always been easy to obtain items for the most part.

This year the Chef asked for art supplies.  Lady Bug wants an electric guitar.  TNT took my suggestion and asked Santa for a surprise ( because "Santa" found a screaming deal on a huge, soft Teddy Bear so this works perfectly).  Last but not least was Monkey Pants who was saying for weeks, and being encouraged by mommy, to ask for a Silvermist Doll - said Silvermist doll being already purchased and well hidden. 

The kids hop up on Santa's lap and sure enough - "art supplies please", "an electric guitar would rock!", "I love you Santa, bring me a surprise!" and then it's Monkey Pants' turn.  What does the kid ask for?  "Santa, I was really good so I want a Go Go Walking Puppy, a blue one!"

WHAT?  That wasn't the plan!  I've spent my allotted holiday budget and I certainly did not purchase a Go Go Walking Puppy! What's a mom to do?  Of course I go online and look for the Go Go puppy.  Target, Walmart, and Toys R Us all sold out.  Perseverance pays off however and I find one at a local Walmart store.

Well last night Monkey Pants informs me, very seriously, that she asked for a BLUE go go puppy, and that Santa is magic and can do anything.  GREAT... okay...  So here's my plan;  said Go Go puppy is going to be smuggled to work with mom on Friday after I drop the kids off at Daycare.  Grandma and I are going to get a misting bottle and some pretty blue Rit Dye.  We'll mist down the doggy and fluff with an ionic hair dryer on a cool setting.  Then a big blue satin ribbon tied around it's little electronic neck and Voila... Blue Go Go Walking Puppy.

Whew... the things we'll go through for our kids.  I'm bringing a teddy bear from the house this week to practice my misting technique on before I try my hand at coloring her Santa gift.  Wish me luck!

His parents met my parents

BLT's family came into town recently. They came out to our business on a Friday and met my family.





The following Saturday we had a late lunch and birthday party for TNT at our place. The dad's fired up the BBQ and discussed politics and meat.


The mom's chatted politely about the grand kids, pets, and compared scars from knee surgeries.

All in all it went well and my parents asked when they would see each other again. They seem to like BLT's family (and it's hard not to, to be honest. They are really warm people) so that's a great sign.


My father told my mother "you know what that was? That was "meet the in-laws" right there." LOL, my mother told him to cool his jets and not read too much into it. She's a smart one my mom.