I'm feeling a little blue tonight. I was watching some chick flick and I've come to realize why these feel good, girly movies make me feel exactly the opposite. I feel like shit. Why? Because the last thing I want to see is some guy who loves his kids and steps up and is all excited about being married and/or being a daddy...or whatever.
I have this intense guilt over the fact that I didn't end it sooner with my X. If I had just grown a pair and left when I knew it wasn't going to work I would only have the older two kids (not that I don't adore all of my children, that's not it at all), not four kids brought into this world with a man who didn't give a crap. A man who didn't know who their dentist was, or what the name of their school teachers were. A man who told his children I was a whore, and how they should kill themselves if he didn't come home the night he tried to shoot me.
I had a horrible day to begin with. I didn't sleep well, the dogs took a crap in my car when I took them for a ride, BLT and Lady Bug are both sick, my power steering went out on my car, the kids were not nearly appreciative enough of the dinner I spent over an hour making for them, and to top it all off I feel F-A-T. I haven't had sex in a few days... that doesn't help.
So add to it all a "feel good" movie where some guy picks up his baby daughter, looking into the mother's eyes and they all profess this undying love for eachother and I just feel like a loser. I total failure as a wife and mother... I just feel craptastic in general.
I'm going to go to bed. I realize that tomorrow is a new day. I new chance to show my kids I love them. I new opportunity to do something for myself that'll make me feel good... like taking my car to the shop and emptying my savings account to get it fixed.