It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Our first hiccup.

He's sleeping beside me, which in itself kind of pisses me off. We've had our first real "issue" so to speak and he's not nearly as upset by it as I am.

I'm insulted to be honest. In the middle of making love I realize he's not touching me really, his hands have fallen to his side, then I realize all of a god damned sudden he's FALLEN ASLEEP. For the love of God. I'm riding him like a Christmas Pony and he's snoring... ya... snoring.

I get off him, and go have a shower. When I come back in he kind of wakes up and asks me what I'm doing? I tell him not to talk to me, that I'm insulted and embarrassed. I mean shit, if he doesn't want me what the fuck is he doing in my bed?

We discuss it a little, he's more amused than anything else, and doesn't see why I'm upset. When I asked if he would be insulted had the roles been reversed he said no...that he would understand I had a really long week and was tired. All fine and dandy, if he's so tired why didn't he just say no to begin with... So here I am, no "happy ending" for either of us. I'm pissed, embarrassed, insulted, and and wide awake at 2:42 in the morning. He tried to go down and sleep on the couch because I yelled at him, I went down and apologized for yelling. So he came back up to bed.... at least that's something.

He's fast asleep beside me, and all I want to do is cry. I spent more than five years being ignored, feeling like nothing more important than a piece of furniture... I refuse to let anyone make me feel like that again. I can't do it. I don't think he understands how much he hurt and humiliated me, and I don't know how to tell him... so I won't bother.

What does this even mean? I've always known I desire him more than he does me. I can live with that...but I can't be ignored again. That hurts too much.


  1. Living with this same issue, and it does hurt ALOT!!!!!!!

  2. I think you're being WAY hard on yourself.

    He may BE tired. I can't understand how anyone could fall asleep during sex though. I mean... really?

    But I don't think there's intention to hurt you, is there?

    Go gentle on yourself. You do deserve attention and to be desired. Know that. Communicate your needs. Go from there. Don't give up on this scenario because of one incident.

    If you begin to notice a pattern, then that's something else entirely.


    Hang in there.

  3. I have a question for you. If you took the situation out of the context of having been ignored in your last relationship, would you still be this upset?

    Is it possible that what happened with him has triggered some unresolved issues?

    Isn't it possible that he simply WAS just tired and fell asleep?

    I have had things happen with CBG that has triggered some of my old feelings of insecurity...I know that I'm being triggered when I realize that I'm more upset than I probably should be in this situation.

    That being said, I totally understand why you're feeling hurt. BUT. Experience has taught me that the best way to deal with that hurt is to be honest about it, talk about it, see where the other person is coming from, and then try to just let it go. Holding on to bad feelings, or saying "I'm fine" when really I'm not doesn't do anyone any good.

    Hang in there, honey, and like T said, be gentle with yourself, okay?

    If you need to talk, I'm only an email away.