It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Letting go

I have to learn to let go of all the negative feelings I have left over from my previous relationship, IE disastrous marriage.

Sunshine was right... one hundred percent. I was more upset than I needed to be. This wasn't about him doing something purposeful to hurt me. He wasn't trying to insult me, and his ego was bruised in this whole thing as well.

I reacted so negatively, instead of seeing the humor in the situation, because in my marriage I wasn't desired. I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't treated as though my company was anything more than a convenience, and doing so made me insecure about my sexuality and made me feel like nobody would ever truly desire me. All these horrible insecurities came rushing back, and I felt so unwanted. It's such a terrible feeling.

But I realize it's not a feeling caused by BLT. He didn't do anything to cause those doubts, he has never made me feel unwanted, or undesirable - in fact the exact opposite.

It was an off night. We've worked long hours this past week. We've driven hundreds of miles picking him up a new car and getting things done for the kids and the house. We've just been emotionally and physically spent and it was bad timing on our part to try and make love so late at night.

So, I'm letting it go. I'm going to recognize where the hurt comes from. Acknowledge it but don't let it continue to effect our relationship. We discussed it, he's apologized and done what he can to reassure me that he wants me, in every facet of the word. That he wants me sexually, that he wants my company, he wants to share my home and be a part of my life... and that in NO way was last night about anything other than being exhausted.

So this is me...letting go. Not letting the way my X treated me effect my new relationship. I know that there will be issues from time to time. I have to accept that who I am, all my past experiences both good and bad make up the person that he loves. And I know in my heart that he loves me just as I am, and that he accepts me flaws and all.

My hope is that in time, all the good ways he treats me will change the way I feel about myself. It will replace all the negative ways I see myself and I'll be less insecure. I have faith that time is all it will take. He's a good man, and I love him.

1 comment:

  1. Good. :-) I'm glad to see that you've taken some time to think about this...your relationship will be stronger for it.

    One other thing that I have learned (I have LOTS of baggage left over from marriage and believe me, it definitely still crops up from time to time!) is that the most powerful person to change your perception of yourself needs to be YOU. It's great that you have BLT to reassure you and love you just the way you are, but all that love and reassurance isn't going to mean a thing unless YOU work on making changes to how you perceive yourself. It's gotta stop and end with you.

    Have faith, like you said, and hang in there.