D Day

Tomorrow is the day, the big "D" will be finalized. I have to be in court by ten am... and the court is three hours away with rush hour traffic, so I get to haul my rear end out of bed at the butt crack of dawn.

What's weird is that I'm not feeling anything remarkable tonight. I'm not nervous, I'm not excited, I'm not worried about seeing the X (no idea if he'll arrange to be there or not, coordinating court visits when you're in prison is very difficult), I'm not feeling anything to be honest. It's like, I don't know... just another day I guess.

Is that weird? I mean, shouldn't I feel SOMETHING? Scared, worried, sad, happy... something? It's like the total apathy I felt for my X at the end of our marriage. I didn't hate him, or love him. I didn't think much about him at all...it was like our relationship just died and I didn't even mourn it's passing.

In a way I'm thankful it's all going to finally be over. Well over until next year when he is released from prison and I have to go back to court and fight to keep him away from our kids. Or at the very least I've been assured he will be given monitored visitation for a very long time. So we have some time to calm down and settle in, to live our lives and make some new memories.

Maybe tomorrow when I'm in the midst of it all I'll feel something profound. Maybe once it's over and I hear the judge pass down his ruling I'll get the sense of closure.