It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Rethinking his Christmas Gift

I'm seriously rethinking one of the gifts I got for BLT.  I bought him a ring.  When I saw it my only thought was that it looks very much like the watch he picked out for himself.  It's made of Tungsten, which is supposed to be harder and more scratch resistant than Silver or Titanium even, so he can wear it at work. It has a center ring of black carbon that looks so cool.  It's very masculine and fashionable.

I just thought it was a really attractive piece of men's jewelry that he could wear on his off hand and it would look great with his watch....   but I don't want him thinking it means something other than that, or that it's some kind of passive aggressive non-verbal expectation for him to buy me a similar type of gift.

Honestly, I have gift "issues" related to my disastrous previous holidays and birthdays with my ex husband.  I have all this anxiety about whether or not he'll like it, or if there are expectations about how much we should have or shouldn't have spent?  What if I spent way more than he did, or vice-versa, and the other person feels awkward afterwards?

In my past, gifts were tools of manipulation. Used to "buy" desired behaviors or withheld to punish.  There were expectations and strings attached to EVERYTHING.  He would give me a trip to Vegas with my best friend but then for months afterward would tell me I was a selfish person and a horrible mother for going.  He would give me a gift certificate to a salon and then complain about having to watch the children so that I could use it, so it would sit useless until it expired. Then there was the banner year that he gave me a bathroom scale for Christmas... I had just had a baby in November...

Mostly we just didn't exchange gifts.  We had gotten to the point in our marriage that we bought things for the children and then just bought something for the house that everyone could use - like a TV or a Wii or something like that.  It was just easier that way and less stressful.

But now, BLT and I are starting our own traditions, and we're celebrating holidays doing things our own way.  This means I don't know what to expect. I don't know what his expectations are...  I don't want to either disappoint him or make him uncomfortable either.  UGH... I hate this... 

So I've pulled the ring out from under the tree... I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not.  I just don't know what to do.


  1. It's okay not to know. :) Also you have such a great relationship with him, when you are ready, you can tell him everything you just told us and your heart will feel instantly lighter. That seems to be what has happened in the past. That's pretty cool.

  2. It sounds like an amazing piece of jewelry! I say give it to him. And then... share your heart with him. Tell him how confused you were and what your fears are. He will understand. He loves you so much. Give him the benefit of the doubt for Christmas. :)

  3. Maybe it is something you can give and explain when you are alone together. After you return from your trip? I think that all of your concerns are valid and maybe sorrounded by family and kids ripping off packaging isn't the best time for something that you have so much concern and confusion around. The art of buying gifts is so lost on some people. You saw it, you thought of him, it's his style, its not to fragile for the type of work he does....all of these things say that you bought the gift for him and that it wasn't something hastily purchased with no thought or worse purchased to make you feel better in some way or to control like you've experienced in the past. It isn't peach body wash ;).

    I honestly think he'll get it and understand where you are coming from. I don't think he'll feel this pressure or misunderstand the meaning like you are worried about BUT it is important that you feel comfortable so if you need to wait or prep yourself more that's ok too. Breath.

  4. I like the idea of giving it to him during a quieter time - after the carnage of the kids opening their gifts. Not knowing BLT, I can't say whether or not he'll like it, but being a GUY, I can say that I would understand and appreciate all the things you said and could see myself accepting something like that free of expectations.

    Just don't be afraid to share how you feel because that's the important stuff. Guys need to hear it, it might even help them to share a bit more of their own feelings (my own experience here). You just gotta keep it under 50 words at a whack. You know - like I did here. (heh heh!)

  5. I with T - give it to him. It's a gift chosen with thoughtfulness, honesty and love and I'm sure he'll appreciate it for that.

  6. No ideas, just hope you figure it out.